Lo all! I am real sorry this chapter took so long, but I just deleted a heap of stuff on the computer so now it actually works! :-D I'm so happy! Point is, our computer sucks… I just hope I haven't lost my touch :-[
Disclaimer: I'm not really sure how many times I have to write this, so I'll just say it all now… I don't own any of the characters in the following chapters at all. All of them belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. If I ever do invent a character, I will say so at the start of the chapter. I do, however, own Boris, he is my guinea pig's cousin.
P.S. Thanx to emerald of long cleeve for the guinea pig idea!
P.P.S Hey, check this out…
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Groovy, eh? Not original, but. Wish it was!
P.P.P.S Guess what! I got my first official babysitting job tonight! Go Me!
Gandalf: Pippen's bodyguard
Frodo: Stalking
Legolas: Cooking
Aragorn: Grooming
Sam: Defence
Gimli: Tracking
Merry: Cleaning
Pippen: Shelter
Boromir: Counseling
So, we now find the company atop a hill of some sort (if you can call it a hill, big rock more like it) with Sam watching Boromir's attempt to teach the Hobbits how to defend themselves. By now, most of the travelers have really picked up on their jobs.
'Boromir! How do you clean your sword, it's filthy!' Merry said, disgusted as Boromir dropped his sword for the 5th time. 'You really should take better care of it. I'll lend you some polish. Oh! And you guys have GOT to listen to this great album Sam gave me! It's so uplifting, especially when this girl is singing to her true love! No idea of the artist though… I think it's Mariah Carey? Who is it Sam?' Sam looked over. 'Yeah, it's a various artist one. The Backstreet Boys are in there too, it think.' Pippen looked over at Merry. 'Think you could burn it for me? OW! BOROMIR! You got my furry foot! GANDALF!!!!!!!!'
Meanwhile, Gandalf was watching Legolas' attempt at potato cakes. 'So… I need… batter. Yes. And oil, I think… but what goes in the middle…? I've forgotten… I bet you it's something really obvious and when someone tells me I feel really stupid.' Gandalf looked up. 'Um, potatoes?' Legolas shook his head. 'Nah, that's not it… I bet it's something really obvious, though, and when someone tells me I feel really stupid.' Gandalf rolled his eyes. 'Po-ta-toes.' Legolas pondered this for a while then… 'Nah, that's not it.'
Gimli popped up from behind a rock. 'At least you have something to do. What am I supposed to track on a rock? Have you seen Aragorn? I need some advice.' Leggie folded his arms and went all snobby. 'No and I don't plan to.'
Gandalf and Gimli exchanged looks. "Why" The elf turned around impatiently. 'Because he's looking for a Guinea pig to teat his new hairstyle ideas on! And guess who's the guinea pig?'
'Um, you?'
Legolas lost it completely. 'BORIS! He wants to test hairdos on BORIS!'
'And who is Boris?'
'MY GUINEA PIG!' He said, in anger. 'AFTER THE QUEST HE'S GOING BACK TO MIRKWOOD TO GUINEAPIGNAP BORIS!' Gandalf looked up at Legolas. 'Um, I think he means guinea pig as in a willing volunteer. I.e. You.'
Silence, then…
'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!'
Aragorn came out from behind his "study" 'Hey, Legolas check out the sketches I did for hair cuts!' He held up some sheets of paper, all with Legolas' face on it all consisting of very, very short and spikey hair cut. The last one had the elf with shoulder length green hair with pink and orange streaks.
Thud.
Aragorn's face spread into a smile. 'At last! A willing volunteer!'
'ARAGORN!' Gimli burst out from behind a bush. 'Aragorn, how do you track something on a rock? I've taken Sam's advice and tried to track birds and fish, but I can't do it. The birds here don't poop, and the fish are all dry! This job sucks!' Aragorn stood with his arms folded. 'Did Sam also tell you that with the right attitude your job can be fun? He told me that, and I had the time of my life figuring out how to make Legolas' face explode in pimples. Now you go out there and track something. And do it with attitude!' Gimli sulked off. Aragorn turned around. 'Now, where is my willing volunteer? Hey! Where's the elf?'
Meanwhile, Legolas was crawling around on the ground in a way that resembles Golum at the end of the Two Towers. Looking back all the time to make sure Aragorn wasn't following, he bumped into Boromir. 'Boromir! You gotta help me! I need a protector! Will you protect me?! NO! Where's Sam? He will help me! I know he will! WHERE IS SAM!'
Boromir surveyed Legolas from behind his half moon spectacles. 'It's time I told you what I should've told you 4 years ago. Please sit down, Legolas. I am going to tell you everything.' Leggie looked up at the man. 'What was that?' Boromir looked rather sheepish. 'I read it somewhere. Seemed like a cool line.'
'Where'd ya get the glasses?' Boromir shrugged. 'I found them.'
Thud.
Both men looked around.
'What happened to Frodo?' Boromir shrugged again. 'He's been spinning around in circles for hours. Guess he got tired.' He got up and threw a glass of grog at Frodo who got up instantly. 'Mmm, ale. Um, I don't think I'm quite awake yet, Boromir, do you got any more grog? Mmm, that's a very good year.' He got up. 'By the way… mmm! What smells good? Oh, that's it. Nothing! Leggie, where's dinner?'
Legolas looked at his feet. 'I, um, forgot the recipe for potato cakes. I could cook stone soup again… oh, I forgot.' He crossed his arms 'You don't like it!'
'Don't like it? I choked on the stone!'
'Well, sooo-rrry.'
'Now, my friends.' Said Boromir. 'Let us not fight, but resolve our problems together, quietly.' Suddenly, Sam came running up. 'What's that?' Gimli rolled his eyes. 'It's just cloud.' Merry squinted at it. 'A cloud that needs cleaning.' Suddenly Legolas screamed. 'TALKING BIRDS!!' Aragorn took up the cry. 'HIDE!!' The fellowship ran around looking for places to hide.
Merry caught up to Pippen who had constructed a shelter somewhat similar to Eeyore's house. 'Hurry, Pippen! There's talking birds chasing us! Come on!' After the birds had gone past the company crept out of their hiding spots. Pippen stared in dismay at the pile of sticks laying on the ground. 'My shelter!!! NOOOOO!' Boromir put an arm around his friend. 'It's Ok. You can talk about your feelings. I'm here for you. It's Ok.' Pippen looked uncomfortably at Boromir. 'Gaandalf…'
'Yes?'
'A little help, please?'
'Ok. If it helps, your shelter was useless anyway, cause I've just decided to go over the mountain up there. The messengers of Sauruman will return.'
Frodo came out from under a rock. 'So?'
'What?'
'So? Why is that bad? I mean, there's only so much they can tell him. I mean, if he finds out that we're near the mountain and then finds out we're near the mountain, I mean… so what? And who is Sauruman anyway? Did you two have a fight or something?'
The company look at Frodo then Legolas hits him over the head with a frying pan.
Gandalf continues. 'So we must go over the mountain, where he will never find us. Now go pack.' Everyone scatters around trying to find their stuff. They meet up later, everyone carrying a few priced and personal possessions. Gandalf looked around at them all. 'Ok, now we must walk for about a month or so over that big mountain over there. Now, the road will be long and weary, so I suggest you take as little as possible… where's Sam?'
Everyone starts examining under rocks until Sam turns up with about 50 kilos of stuff on his back. 'Ok!' he says. 'Lets get going!' Aragorn stares at him.
'Sam, what's actually in there?'
'Err, stuff…'
Gimli pulls out a bulky book. '"A million and one ways to cook rabbit"?' He continues to grab stuff at random. "A medium, small and large pot… a wooden spoon… herbs, spices… (gasps) "Cookery the Hobbit Way"!' He looks up at Sam accusingly. 'Traitor!' Sam looks around guiltily. Legolas walks up to him.
'How could you? I trusted you! And this is how you repay me? I'm disgusted!'
Aragorn pipes in. 'Sam, I expected better of you. I am highly disappointed in you. I don't see my self carrying around a sword and dagger because I know you can't defend us, do I? And even though Boromir is a terrible counselor, I fail to see Gandalf steal his glasses and adopt his counseling ways.'
Frodo stood up. 'I am indeed shocked, Sam.'
With that, the company turned on their heels and began to walk towards the mountain, leaving Sam standing alone on the hill. He sat down and began to cry, then Gandalf turned around. 'Hurry up, you idiot. We're not going to leave you.'
So, joyfully, the Fellowship of the Ring trudged along the road to Caradras.
The End.
(of the chapter)