Hello everyone! I'm back! I'm sorry I haven't updated in like 6 months, but I've been really, really tired… ok that was a bad excuse. But I really am sorry. It's not my fault; the dog ate my computer – yes… that should hold.

Ok, so, on with the story, eh! Please keep up the reviews they are very encouraging. Plus could someone please explain to me what a flame and Mary Sue is? My vocabulary needs updating.

Disclaimer: No, I don't (currently) own any of the characters in this story. If I do make one up, I will say so so you can all appreciate my genius.

Gandalf: Pippin's bodyguard

Legolas: Cooking

Aragorn: Grooming

Boromir: Counseling

Frodo: Stalking

Pippin: Shelter

Sam: Defense

Merry: Cleaning

Gimli: Tracking

So, after weeks of trekking around New Zealand the company finally arrives at Caradras. It is cold, wet and cold, and the company is getting restless. Especially Pippin.

'Gandaaallff… I'm cold, wet and cold! Can I have a piggyback?'

Gandalf rolled his eyes for the 200th time that day. 'Guess what Pippin…'

'Oh! A guessing game! This should take my mind of the cold! What?'

'WE ALL ARE! And guess what else?'

'…what?'

'If you had built us some shelter we wouldn't all be cold and wet and cold.'

Pippin took some offence to this and pointed out that if they had have followed Gandalf's advice instead of Boromir's, they wouldn't be in this mess at all. Sam then pointed out that Boromir was the group counselor, and they had to follow his counsel. Frodo then pointed out that Sam shouldn't be pointing out anything, as he should be at the back of the group looking out for danger. Legolas then pointed out that an avalanche was about to fall on top of them all and that they should probably all move out of the way. Aragorn then pointed out that Legolas was right, but by the time he said this it was a bit late and they were all hurtled down the mountain.

When they all arrived at the bottom, they found themselves in a small clearing covered in snow. They got up and had a look around and it wasn't long before they realized that they had fallen into a hole. After a long time, Sam spoke.

'Well, the shelter isn't going to build itself, Pippin. Get to work. Legolas, get some sort of a dinner going. Aragorn, find a way to get all of this dirt out of our hair and Merry, get all this dirt off the floor instead of just standing there.'

Everyone looked at Sam as though he had just escaped from Mussolini's training camp. Then Legolas spoke.

'Sam, did you just escape from Mussolini's training camp?' Sam, however, was less than amused.

'Now listen everyone. I am in the same situation as you are and there's nothing we can do about it, so I suggest that we all get to work and start making this place as comfortable as possible. Now,' he clapped his hands. 'Get to work!'

Everyone must've seen reason in this because they all began to rouse from their spots and start working. Sam, they concluded, was very good at making people see reason.

2 hours later, everything was starting to take shape. Pippin had some sort of an igloo going, Merry had gotten most of the dirt off the snow, Gimli had found something to track, Boromir was giving Gandalf some advice, Frodo was following his own footsteps, Aragorn, apparently, had found a way to remove dirt from even the thickest hair and was helping Legolas get the dirt out of his blonde locks, Gandalf was looking after Pippin and Legolas, supposedly, was preparing a smorgasbord for dinner that night. On the whole, Sam was please with their progress, although he hadn't actually seen any of their work on account of he was patrolling, Gimli had been reporting to him every hour, so Sam was content.

2 more hours later and Sam had had enough patrolling and decided to go and check up on the rest of the company. The first thing he noticed was Pippin hard at work.

'Hello Pippin. I see you have finished the shelter and are allowing your efforts to be put to more leisurely activities.'

'No, not really. I'm still making the shelter. How's it looking?'

Sam stared at the bits of snow in front of him.

'Pippin, that's not an igloo.'

'What is it?'

'A snowman.'

'…Shit…. Um, sorry?

Sam rolled his eyes and moved on the next victim.

'Hello Merry. Wow! You've done a great job here. Where did you put all the dirt?

Merry blushed. 'I…. um… ate it…' Suddenly a gust of wind blew off a thin layer of snow, revealing all the dirt that Merry had buried.

'…Shit… Um, sorry?

Sam rolled his eyes. 'Merry, if you're going to do a job, do it properly or not at all. And remember, there is never time to do it properly, but there is always time to do it again. Get to work.' Before Merry could say that none of that made sense, Sam had gone to check up on Aragorn, but, seeing him carrying a massive sack over his shoulders towards a hole, decided against it and moved on Frodo, who had timely fainted.

He sighed and went to find Gimli who was creeping along on all fours with his buttocks high in the air.

'Hello Gimli. How's the tracking coming along?'

Gimli turned around with a sudden, unexpected speed.

'SSSSSSSHHHHHH! You stupid hobbit! Do you want to scare it away?'

Sam looked around. 'Scare what away?'

Gimli pointed at the ground half a foot in front of him. 'Him!'

Sam took one look at the grey slug on the ground and kicked Gimli up the bum. He turned now to Boromir for comfort and found him trying, unsuccessfully, to convince Gandalf that he could fly. Sam couldn't take it anymore. He was just about to cry when he remembered something. Legolas. He was cooking a smorgasbord! Just the thing he needed! Remembering all the cooking lessons he had given Legolas on Caradras, he allowed himself to be surprised and went to prepare the dinner table.

It was dinnertime. After all the waiting, Sam may just get a reward for all the trouble he had been put through in the past few hours. He closed his eyes and tried to smell the food, but he couldn't. Oh well, he thought. So long as it tastes alright and has some sort of nutritional value to it.

'Dinner is served.'

Sam still didn't open his eyes, but instead reached forward and grabbed the nearest thing to him. Still no aroma, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. He focused all of his thoughts on the dinner in front of him and his mind filled with images. Potatoes, chicken, carrots, chocolate pudding, lobster, pork, hot chips…

He picked up his fork, still with his eyes shut, and picked up some food. He opened his mouth, placed the fork inside it, and allowed the taste to take him away.

It didn't.

In shock, Sam spat out the contents of mouth and looked down at his plate.

'Legolas, what is this?'

Legolas looked rather taken aback. 'I told you before didn't I?'

'Yes, you did, but I thought we were having a smorgasbord.'

'A snowgasbord, stupid, don't you listen?'

Everyone else, who was busy saying grace, opened their eyes and saw the plates of snow and Soya sauce before them, all delicately moulded into perfect shapes of potatoes, carrots, chicken, chocolate pudding, lobster, pork and hot chips.

At first everybody simply stared at the food, then thought, what the hell, and began to eat. It was too much for Sam, though. He ran off, crying. Legolas stared after him.

'What did I do? I did it all properly. I even wore the chef's cap and everything!' In distress he tore off his big white hat and threw it on the ground. 'I can never do anything right!' Now everyone's gaze was fixated at Legolas, who took this as a complement and kept going.

'He never appreciates anything I do! It's always cry, cry, cry! Boo hoo, hoo! I have it soooooo bad!' He stopped talking and when everyone still stared at him, he looked around, glared in Sam's direction, and walked off. Everyone continued to stare with their mouths open until he was out of sight, then everyone slowly turned to look at Aragorn who looked a little guilty.

'Hey, he'll never know. So long as nobody tells him, he doesn't look in the mirror of find my sack, then nobody will get hurt.'

Thud.

It was a long time before Legolas' hair grew back.