Title: Whispers of the mind
Author: fazy
Pairing: Haldir/ Elrond.
Rating: PG
Summary: 1st person narrative. 21st century Scotland, Haldir feels his husband is neglecting him.
Warnings: Mpreg, fatalism, depression, self-harm, eventual character deaths.
When I next focus my eyes, it is morning, and Elrond is beside me. "We have to watch your alcohol intake," he says frowning. I blink and stretch the sleep out of my system. I am in my bed, and it is morning. I must have fallen asleep the night before. I would not be surprised. The day before had been exhausting for me, emotionally. I tell Elrond that but he is not convinced. He blames it on the wine. It cannot be the wine. I am not alcohol intolerant, I never have been.
"But you're -- at the moment," he says firmly. "Who knows what changes might be going on in your body. We have to be careful about what you eat." He frowns at me and again the weight of the unsaid descends, forcing my chest to constrict. I turn away. I do not like to have my weaknesses mentioned, and he knows it, but he would not let the matter rest. "You have to be careful, Haldir, you're not just looking out for yourself anymore."
And there it was. The slap in the face.
I roll over so that I am no longer facing him and let a tear slide down my cheek. He is not even flustered about my well-being. All he thinks about is Baby. And suddenly I feel objectified, as if I were nothing more than a vassal for a greater purpose. That I do not exist in his eyes. That all he sees when he looks at me is my function as the bearer of his child. The thought overwhelms me and I start to sob into the pillow.
"Haldir…" he says softly, laying a placating hand on my shoulder. His voice is gentle, and yet I feel an undercurrent of irritation which he cannot conceal from me. He thinks I'm overreacting. He thinks I'm being silly and unreasonable. He puts it down to a chemical imbalance, that I am upset simply because my body is unstable. It breaks my heart that he thinks that. It kills me to think he does not take my emotions seriously. He does not recognize what drives me to think and feel the way I do. He does not realize how real my pain is.
I shrug his hand off and pull the covers over my face, and I hear a hiss of frustration from him. He does not know what to do. He is lost. I bite the back of my hand feeling sorry for myself that my own husband does not know how to comfort me, and later, when I feel him pull away, I sob some more, telling myself that he does not even bother if I am upset. It breaks my heart, and I feel like dying. My own husband does not care.
I hear a shuffling at the side of the bed. I know it is Ivan by the sound of his breathing. It is human, not elven, and the seneschal is the only man bold enough to approach me when I am in one of my moods. Somehow the thought upsets me even more, that my own husband has given up and left, while a complete outsider stands supportively by my side.
"Master Haldir?" he says tentatively. I throw back the covers of the duvet and look up at him listlessly.
"Where is Elrond?" I ask weakly, even though I already know the answer.
"He is working in his study," he says quietly. I close my eyes and shudder into tears. I know how pathetic I must look, curled up around my bolster like that, but it doesn't bother me that Ivan is there to witness it. I trust Ivan completely. He sighs sadly and sits down on the bed. Slowly, gently, he draws my head into his lap and massages my shoulder.
"Why do I do this," I whisper between sobs. "Why do I put myself through this?"
"Hush now," he chides me gently. "Master Elrond loves you… so very much," he says. "It's just that he doesn't know how to show it at times."
"I don't feel it," I say miserably. "I don't feel it." And there is nothing Ivan can say. He sits in silence, massaging my shoulder and rubbing my back. I am touched at his concern. I only wish it were Elrond who was here now, patiently rubbing my back as I pour my heart out to him. It kills me that he does not care enough to sit with me this way. Even when we sit together in the evenings, I often get the sense that he is more interested in the book he is reading than in me. Sometimes I wonder if he would even sense my absence if I were to slip out of the room.
Perhaps he wouldn't.
Perhaps I might slip out of the house on one of these occasions and it would be hours before he realizes I'm gone. Not Ivan though. Ivan will always be there at the door to try to talk me out of it, or to reluctantly hand me my coat if i insist on leaving. But Elrond… he would not know. He would be quietly oblivious in the comfort of his study.
TBC...