A/N: Hey, thank you everyone for your support! :-D

BTW, Aragorn is my favorite character… then why am I bashing him so and making him an idiot? Because it's fun! -

Disc: See chapter one.

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Chapter Three: Dareth Thee Cross thy Bridge?

After King Elessar rode away from the strange couple, he came upon the wide Anduin but a few moments later. In years long past, Osgiliath used to be on both sides of the river. Unfortunately, huge flooding problems after the War of the Ring made it impossible to rebuild the city on the banks of the river, so there only remain ruins of majesty long forgotten.

However, they did manage to build a sturdy bridge that went from one side of the river to the other. Amazingly, it has actually lasted for the last ten years.

Aragorn came to the edge of the bridge, and saw a startling sight. On the middle of the bridge was one of his own captains, clad in the armor of the White Tower, and another soldier, clad in black, and on his helmet painted the Eye of Sauron. They were in a furious battle, sword against sword. The King watched, impressed, as the black knight dodged a blow from his own soldier, and then watched his own soldier dodge a blow to the head.

Of a sudden, the black knight swung around his sword and sliced off the other's head. Aragorn raised his eyebrows, very impressed, and nodded as he saw his captain's body being thrown into the river. The head the black knight kicked up in the air like a soccer ball, and he kicked it in Aragorn's direction. Aragorn dodged the head, and took a glimpse at it as it rolled down the bank and into the river. Giving a nod to Patsy, he rode up to the black knight.

Aragorn looked at the black knight with curiosity. He seemed a very familiar face… oh, it didn't matter. The King, head held up high, started to speak.

"You fight my own men in their own lands, alone, and with much bravery. You fought one of my greatest captains, and defeated him. My congratulations to you."

The man stood still and silent. His eyes could not be seen.

"I be Aragorn, so of Arathorn, Elessar Telcontar, the Elfstone, the Envinyatar, the-"

"Doeseth thee dareth speaketh to me?" the man interrupted.

"Yea, dareth I do," responded Aragorn. "I be, after all, thy King."

"Nay, no man mayeth be my King," he responded.

"Whyeth then, lord, doeseth thee have the Eye painted on thy helmet?"

"He be-eth not thy King."

"Iseth that proper Middle English?"

"English doeseth not exist in Middle-earth, fool be thee. This be a mere translation of Westron."

"There be-eth only one man thateth speaketh Middle English in Middle-earth… and dareth call me a fool… the Mouth of Sauron, you be!"

"Yea, he I be," the Mouth of Sauron replied.

"Theneth why not thee speaketh in normal English-"

"Westron."

"-Westron?" Aragorn asked.

"Thee doesest not know?"

"Nay."

"Well, I shall explaineth to thy's simple mindeth. Talking in Middle English-"
"Westron." Aragorn interrupted.

"-Westron maketh me seem much moreth intelligent and Middle-earth like."

"It make thee sound liketh a fool."

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Well… it makes you sound like a fool too!" the Mouth of Sauron said, sticking out his tongue.

"Then let's stop speaking like fools!"

"We have stopped!"

"Then let's get to the point!"

"Ok, what's your point?"

Aragorn held himself up right. "I seek the bravest of lords to come and join me in Minas Tirith for my Parallelogram Table. Will you join me?"

The Mouth remained silent. There was more silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Yes, more silence.

Aragorn raised an eyebrow.

Patsy twitched.

A bird looked down at them and crashed into a tree.

Someone reading this yawned.

And finally, the Mouth of Sauron said, "No."

Aragorn woke up, and looked at him. "Oh, well, you sadden me. Come along, Patsy-"

"None shall pass."

"What?"

"None shall pass."

"I have no quarrel with you, lord-"

"Actually, you do. Remember the Black Gates ten years ago?"

"No, actually-"

"Sauron?"

"What?"

"What about Sauron? I was his Mouth."

"Sauron had a mouth?"

"You don't remember me?!"

"No… well, yes, I did a minute ago, but the silence made me forget. Who are you?"
"I'm the Mouth of Sauron!"

"Oh, really?"

The Mouth of Sauron fumed, and finally snapped. He pulled out his sword and went for Aragorn. Aragorn jumped out of the way, and the sword hit the stone bridge.

"Now, couldn't we-" The Mouth of Sauron swiped for him again, and he jumped away. Patsy ran down the bridge and hid behind a well-placed tree. "Couldn't we settle this-" Another jump. "-like civilized-" A duck. "-people?" He ducked again. "Well, then, so be it!" Aragorn pulled out his sword, and swiped for the Mouth of Sauron.

A 34.3 second battle more furious than anything any reviewer here has ever seen took place. Unfortunately, it was so furious that we have to skip over it and go to the less-than-furious parts.

Aragorn sliced off the Mouth of Sauron's left arm. The Mouth of Sauron looked at it with curiosity.

"Now stand aside, worthy adversary! I need to cross the bridge," said Aragorn, moving to pass him.

"I said none shall pass, and I mean it!"

"I have defeated you, and since I have, I get to pass!"

"Have not!"

"Have too!"

"How?"

"Look at your arm!"

The Mouth of Sauron looked at his arm. "'tis but a scratch!"

"Is not! Your arm's cut off!"

"I've had worse."

"Have not!"

"Come on, you pansy!" the Mouth charged at him.

A battle of 11.6 seconds took place, but too terrifying to put into words. Then Aragorn cut off his right arm, and both the sword and arm fell to the ground.

Aragorn stood himself upright. "Victory is mine!" He then kneeled, and started to chant, "I thank the Valar and Eru for giving me… hey!" The Mouth of Sauron had just kicked him. "What think you are doing?"

"Come on then, let's get to it!" The Mouth started circling him.

"Get to- ouch! Stop kicking me!"

"What, had enough?"

"You stupid bastard, your arms are off!"

"'tis but a flesh wound." He kicked him again.

"Stop it, or I'll have your leg!"

He is kicked again.

"You asked for it!" Aragorn chopped off his left leg, and the Mouth of Sauron bounced around, trying to keep his balance.

"I'll give you that," said the Mouth.

"You'll what…?"

"Come on, let's get to it!"

"What are you going to do, bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible!"

"You're a loon."

"The Mouth of Sauron always triumphs! Have at you!"

Aragorn rolled his eyes and chopped off the other leg. The Mouth of Sauron's body stands upright.

"Alright, we will call it a draw," he said.

Aragorn rolled his eyes again. "Come, Patsy."

The Mouth of Sauron turned his head as they crossed the bridge. "What, running away? You cowardly bastard! Come back here! I will bite off your legs!"

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RESPONSE TO REVIEWS:

Lindsey: Yay! I hope you enjoy it :D Yes, Edith is Tolkien's wife.

Vilya: Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed :-D

The Noble Platypus: Oh, I really hope so. I just can't get to it. I started a new document today, and just stared blankly at the screen for five minutes -- Yes, these are the only three that I am going to be working on for now (and not even PotR, really), so hopefully I will get one of these done before summer's end. Nope, not Lurtz!

Paul Frank is MY friend: … sure… :-P Thanks!

Eleclya111: You know who John and Edith are, right? :-P I'm glad you enjoyed

Orliey: I've seen a couple of those stories… haha, he is probably rolling in his grave, the poor guy :-P

BubbleBubbleGumGum: Thanks! -

ShakiraCrazy: Yes, he should! Legolas comes in a couple of chapters… hehehehe… it's good to be the author - And I did do it- it's the computer's fault --