How to catch wild Pokemon

(or 'It was late one night and I was tired')

Prologue

The crescent moon shone brightly in the night sky. Hoot hoot, Zubat, and other nocturnal Pokemon lurked in the shadows. No diurnal Pokemon dared to roam, for fear of the blood sucking Crobats. Only one brave day Pokemon had the courage to go into the night. It could not see, but it was not afraid. This brave Pokemon was Poliwhirl.

Chapter 1 Some ping-pong balls have been used in crochet, and knitting

"I'm sorry, but nothing is wrong with it. It's flame is fine, no physical or mental damage, I don't see anything wrong with your Charmander! What was the problem again?"

"Well you see, Charmander refuses to battle a Sandslash if there is a stuffed Indian fruit bat in the same room. He will only battle it if there also are exactly three hundred sixty four trillion, nine hundred seventy two billion, six hundred eighty three million, one hundred five thousand, two hundred sixty four and two hundred sixty four billion trillionths tennis balls in the room!"

"Ah. How exactly did you get into this situation?"

"I don't know."

"I see. Well, my advice is that when you battle a Sandslash; make sure that there are no stuffed Indian fruit bats in the room."

"Oh wow, thanks Nurse Joy! You sure are smart!" Charles the Pokemon Trainer said. Nurse Joy rolled her eyes.

"Well, you better get to sleep, it's three A.M. in the morning," she said.

"OK." Charles crawled onto and fell asleep on the Pokemon Center couch.

Geodude floated happily along his way.

"Geodude!" It said with a smile. It floated through the mountains and into the city. It made itself comfortable in the middle of the road, and went to sleep. Four hours later, the first person walked on him.

"Geodude!" It said, and picked up the person and seismic tossed them away. Geodude did this to every person who tried to step on him, which were a lot because Geodude was sitting in the most stepped on space in the Poke universe. He had marked it with an X. Geodude did this every day, why he got satisfaction from it is unknown. After a long day, Paprika City closed down, and the crowd died down. Geodude floated into the largest Pokemart in the world, two to the power of 736,132,863,510,346,527 times the size of Celadon City's Pokemart and Goldenrod's Pokemart put together. Geodude floated up the stairs into the spray paint section, and spray-painted itself white.

"Geodude!" It said happily, and floated out the window. Geodude floated back to its mountain, waiting for the next day. Geodude counted how many people he had seismic tossed by seeing how much paint had been scratched off when the day was done. Geodude was happy, because this day he had broken his record.

"What I need to do is get another Pokemon," Charles said to himself. He walked around in Embellish City, looking for wild Pokemon. He walked uninvited into someone's house.

"Hi, do you have any Pokemon I can use?" He asked the terrified old man who was drinking tea.

"AHHH! THE END HAS COME! IT IS ARMAGEDDON!" The frightened man took out a sign that read,

'Help, the world is ending!' and ran outside yelling like a maniac.

"Hmm. He must not have any. I have to find a Pokemon so I can battle the gym leader with more than just a Charmander!" Charles searched the room, but found nothing interesting, so he walked out. What Charles did not know, is that there was something interesting in the house, and that was a 1952 design Hallway Incorporated refrigerator; a real collectors item. There was only one left in the world. It was a shame that Charles didn't take it before the house blew up for no apparent reason.

Geodude floated to Paprika City for another day of seismic tosses. Geodude saw an interesting species of beetle on a twig he passed, but he didn't bother to pick it up. Geodude floated into the city, and saw a trainer kneeling down and petting a Bulbasaur.

"Good Bulbasaur. Nice Bulbasaur," The person said.

"Bulba..." Bulba purred. Geodude decided to move from the most stepped on spot to see the Bulbasaur.

"Oh my, an ugly old Geodude! Don't let it hurt you Bulbasaur!" Bulbasaur extended a vine to the floating Geodude.

"Bulba," it said. Geodude shook the vine.

"Dude!" It said. They both looked at the trainer, and fell into a fit of laughter. The trainer, named Diane, returned the Bulbasaur, and ran off.

"What is the world coming today with white Geodudes the same color as the pavement in Paprika City...," Diane muttered to herself. Geodude shrugged, and continued to seismic toss people.

Charles wandered around the town in circles. A middle aged man sat outside of a house, relaxing on summer vacation. After the fifteenth time Charles walked by him, the man asked,

"Hey kid! Why are you walking around in circles?"

"I'm looking for wild Pokemon," answered Charles. "Do you have any for me?"

"I'm sorry, but no one here will give you a free Pokemon, but I can tell you how to find one," the man said.

"How?" Charles asked.

"I will open and close my mouth in different shapes, vibrating my voice box, making sounds your ears are able to understand."

"Ah. How can I find a wild Pokemon?"

"Go into the forest."

"OK." Charles walked off into the forest, and a Metapod dropped out of a tree.

"Metapod!" It said.

"No I'm sorry, but I haven't," Charles answered Metapod.

"Tapod! Tapod!" Metapod said, wanting to battle.

"Oh, you have a stuffy nose, ay? Well thanks for the advice. I have met one, and there were many Pokemon in it. That's a good idea." Charles walked deeper in the forest in search of a pond. There was not a pond in the forest. Charles walked out of the forest into a different city.

"Oh well, maybe someone here will tell me how to get to the pond," Charles said to himself. He walked into Ariak City.

The Poliwhirl rested in its pond, alone. No Pokemon dared to think to be able to have a chance to be eligible to approach the Poliwhirl. Poliwhirl feared no one, everyone feared him.

One day, a game boy game was being played. It was being played by Billy, who was in a restaurant in Katmandu, in Asia, on the world, in the solar system, in the galaxy, in the universe. If you multiplied the coordinates that Billy was by two, divided them by five, and added six, then you would find a happy Geodude.

"We the people of the United States of America, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and, get ourselves nine-hundred seventy four trillion, six-hundred twenty four billion, three-hundred fifty one million, eight-hundred forty six thousand, eight-hundred forty two liberty for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America," Geodude said in Pokemon language to a nearby Ekans. Ekans knew this Geodude, he said something weird every day. Ekans had gotten used to it by now, because whenever Ekans questioned Geodude's nonsense, Geodude just floated away. Ekans slithered into the bushes waiting for a Pokemon Trainer to battle.

Chapter 2 Why license plates should change

Kev Naahon stared at the license plate that read 631.

"The number aint changing," he said.

"Yep," answered the man in the car.

"We've got places," Kev said. "For them numbers that aint don't none are not isn't change."

"Yep," answered the man who had calculated the string of negatives. Kev chewed his gum, sitting in the toll box.

"Listen bub, make my life easier and make the number change. I don't wanna have ta' use... the Mextranit."

"Nope."

The wise guy crashed his four-wheel drive through the gates. Kev picked up the Module External Xiphias Transmogrifier Rotating Application Neon Intimate Teleporter, and pressed the big red button. The license plate vaporized. If only the license plate had changed from 631 to 632, maybe it's life would have been spared. The man in the four-wheel drive was angry.

"No...one...vaporizes...MY LICENSE PLATE!!!" The man hopped out of the car, and exciting music played. "Rhydon, go!" The man yelled. Kev calmly let out his Blastoise who calmly used a calm Hydro Pump with its calm cannons, and the calm water hit the Rhydon calmly, knocking it out. Kev held out a Pokeball.

"So sir, you say the pond is left, then right, then straight, then into the big well?"

"Pond? What are you talking about, young man?" Charles was talking to a man he had passed by on the road.

"Um.... I don't know." The man eyed Charles strangely.

"I never said anything about a pond, you juvenile delinquent. Now make like a Moltres and molt off. I've got business to do." The man walked off.

"Darn. I'll never catch another Pokemon that way," Charles said to himself aloud.

"What's that you say, shonny?"

"Huh?" An Old Man stared at Charles.

"Did you just mention catching another Pokemon shonny?"

"Umm.... Yeah," answered

"I bet your lookin' for a secret pond," said An Old Man.

"Yeah," said Charles.

"Chock full of rare Pokemon," continued An Old Man.

"Yeah, yeah, that's it," Charles said excitedly.

"That lays in the depths of an unknown place,"

"Yeah, mmm hmm," Charles nodded.

"That only certain An Old Mans know of,"

"Yep, that's it, where is it, where is it?" Charles practically screamed.

"Sorry boy, never heard of it." An Old Man disappeared with a poof of smoke.

"That was weird," Charles said to himself.

"I have a Pokeball, and I know how to use it, bub. Leave here and you can go free."

"Never!"

"OK. Pokeball, go." Kev Naahon threw a Pokeball at the man, who was sucked into it. The ball shook, and then turned white. Kev picked up the Pokeball, and it was transported to a place worse than jail. Kev sighed, and breathed a little mushroom cloud as people in the anime did.

'When will people learn?' he thought.

"Do you know what this means, Dertanp?" Iaz the great scientist asked. Dertanp the Donphan shook its head no.

"This is the rare cherry with seventeen and two thirds pits! And certainly you know what that means." Donphan shook its head no again, waving its trunk and knocking over a beaker of nitroglycerine.

"It means that I can now take over the world! Bwahahahahahaha! Ha ha! Heh? Donphan? Oh Donphan?" Iaz the great scientist looked over where Donphan used to be standing. Now there was a gigantic hole. Iaz the great Scientist jumped in the hole saying,

"I'm coming to save you Donphan!" Iaz the great scientist fell two to the power of six hundred forty three million seven hundred thousand thirty two light years. By the time he reached the bottom, about 1000 years had passed, causing Donphan and Iaz the great scientist to die of old age.. They had already burned up from falling at such a high speed anyway. The seventeen and two thirds cherry pits floated mysteriously down the pit in thirty seconds, and picked up what was left of Iaz the great scientist and Donphan. In thirty seconds they were out of the hole. The pits carried the two to a time machine, and went back in time to when Iaz the great scientist was asking Dertanp the Donphan

'what this means'. The pits showed Iaz the great scientist and Donphan the ashes of themselves, and warned Donphan not to knock over the bottle of nitroglycerine somehow even though cherry pits can't talk. The pits and the ashes mysteriously disappeared, because they had created a time rift in meeting themselves, proving that Ash of the anime is just the pits.

"HEY, WHERE CAN I FIND THE POND FULL OF RARE WILD POKEMON?" Charles yelled as he crashed through a door uninvited into someone's house. Kev spit out his tea in surprise.

"Hey boy, you don't need to scream ya' know. Ya' almost gave me a heart attack, especially after a hard day of using the Mextranit. Didn't your mother tell you not to barge into people's houses?"

"Um...."

"That's a rhetorical question."

"Yeah, whatever. Just tell me where the pond is."

"Pond? Why are you looking for a pond?" The man asked.

"Not a pond, the pond! A nice Pokemon with a stuffed up nose told me about it, and I've seen it before I was a pokemon trainer."

"Errr..." Kev Naahon had a sweatdrop. "If you're looking for the pond, it is in the Bulba Mansion of Cherry City on Pit Street." Kev Naahon was making this up.

"Thanks ok bye bye" and with that, Charles ran out the door in search of Cherry City without time to use proper punctuation. Kev Naahon poured himself some more tea.

'I wonder that crazy chap's name was,' he wondered.

Nitroglycerine condiments devour neutral authenticity, veracity, and legitimacy. Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: 12.0