Chapter 2

"Julie's moving into the loft?" Felicity whispered repeating Ben's words in disbelief.

"Yeah, uh... I, I couldn't believe it either when Sean told me," Ben stuttered.

"How... How do you feel about it?"

"I don't care," Ben said flatly.

"Of course you care. I mean after what happened last year don't you think it's going to be strange having her live there?"

"I really don't care. I mean, I know… Uh, I know it's going to be awkward at first but I, I just don't think it's gonna to be a problem."

"I guess you're right but I don't know it's just... weird."

"Felicity, really it's going to be alright." Ben reached across the table and took her hand. "Listen, I don't want you to be worried about this. Julie moving in really doesn't mean anything. It doesn't."

Felicity smiled shyly as she felt Ben's grip tighten on her hand to reassure her. "Well I guess we both got unexpected roommates this year didn't we," Felicity teased to lighten the moment.

"Yeah, that's right. How are you making out with the devil woman of the underworld? She been giving you a hard time?"

"Meghan hasn't changed a bit. I think her mission in life is to embarrass me every chance she gets."

"What did she do this time?"

"I told you we were sharing the RA duties this year." Ben nodded as the waiter brought their dinner and they began to eat. "So at the first floor meeting this afternoon in front of everyone she announces that I only had sex one time and that I didn't even know the guy.

Can you believe her?" Ben had just taken a bite and began to choke as he tried to hold back a laugh. "Are you okay?" Felicity asked with concern.

Ben took a sip of water and shook his head 'yes'. "So what else did she do?"

"Then when I confronted her about telling my sexual history to a bunch of strangers, do you know what she had the nerve to say?" Before Ben could answer Felicity plunged ahead. "She has the nerve to ask if one is a history. Can you believe her? I don't know how I'm ever going to make it through this year." Felicity expelled a deep sigh and grabbed her wine and drank it down in one gulp

"Well there is one thing you can do?"

"What's that? I'm desperate. I'll try anything," Felicity looked at him hopefully.

"Well we could do something about your sexual history." Ben grinned sheepishly as Felicity's fork stopped on the way to her mouth and she looked at him in surprise. "I mean we could increase the number up to two and since you know me pretty well we could take care of that little thing too."

Felicity began to giggle as a blush spread across her cheeks. "Thank you for the offer."

"I'm just trying to be helpful."

"My hero." Felicity leaned across the small table and kissed him lightly on the forehead."

"I was hoping for a little more than that but I'll take what I can get." They both started laughing causing the other diners to smile at the sight of the happy couple who were so obviously in love.

HR

"Watch it your getting it all over me," Felicity squealed as she tried to lick up the rapidly melting ice cream from the cone that Ben was holding out to her.

"That's what you get for not getting your own and swiping mine."

"Don't be so selfish. Besides I only wanted a little taste," Felicity giggled as she bit into the cone causing the ice cream to trickle down his hand.

"Little taste! You've eaten half of it. At this rate I'm going to be skin and bones by swim season."

"You're such a baby. Look out it's dripping on your shirt! Come here let me get that off before the stain sets in," Felicity said taking his arm and pulling him toward the drinking fountain. He stood patiently watching as she wet her handkerchief and rubbed the stain until she was satisfied. "There now you look presentable again," she beamed up at him.

"Thank you but you know that was all your fault."

"My fault? How was it my fault? You're the one that can't even eat an ice cream cone without getting it all over himself. It was just like that time at the roadside diner in Oklahoma City when you got steak sauce all over your pants."

"That's just because you were eating out of my plate again. Remember you weren't hungry and only ordered a salad and then you decided to eat half of my steak. I had to protect myself from that wicked fork of yours." They were both laughing as they walked over to a bench and sat down.

"Well I'm not the only one. What about that time we got Chinese outside of Albuquerque and took it back to the motel. You got soy sauce all over me because you couldn't wait until I got a few bites out of the container before you had to get your chopsticks in it."

"Well you might remember Chinese food at that motel but that's not what I remember when I think about that night," Ben said with a smirk. Felicity glanced up at him and then quickly looked down. She could feel a blush spreading across her cheeks as memories of that night flashed through her mind. Ben reached over and slowly raised her face to give her a quick kiss. Then he turned her around and placed his arms around her. They sat quietly watching the others in the park each lost in their memories of that magical night.

The whole day had been amazing. They had spent the night before in Santa Rosa and they were getting a late start that morning. After breakfast they had decided to wash the car before getting back on the highway. Felicity smiled to herself as she remembered the look on Ben's face when he got up from washing the tires and she had squirted him with the hose. He had pretended to be mad but then he retaliated by dousing her with water from the bucket. Before they knew it they were both soaking wet and laughing hysterically. When they were finally ready to leave they were held up by a parade of children on the way to their school picnic. Someone in the crowd watching the parade told them about the carnival that was going to be at the picnic grounds and they decided to check it out. Everything had been perfect. They rode on all of the rides and played the games along the boardwalk. Ben won her a little stuffed monkey which she named Rosa after the city. It was after 3:00 PM before they decided it was time to get back on the road. They took turns and drove until they reached the outskirts of Albuquerque.

When Ben got them the motel room he asked the clerk if there were any restaurants still open. He was told that there was a Chinese restaurant just down the road but that he better hurry because it closed in half an hour. While Felicity took a shower Ben went and got the food. When he got back to the room they spread a blanket on the floor and had started eating. They talked and laughed as they reminisced about the day. Since they had eaten at the picnic neither was hungry at dinner time and now they were starving. They had both reached into the Kung Pao chicken at the same time and Ben's chopstick accidentally flipped a piece onto Felicity's clean t-shirt leaving a large stain. Felicity told him that he was going to pay for that. "You just wait. When you least expect it, you're going to get it," she warned. Ben had just winked and said, "I sure hope so."

After they had eaten and gotten rid of the empty cartons, Ben went to take a shower. When he came out of the bathroom he found Felicity sitting on the foot of the bed watching the news on TV and brushing her hair. "I just heard the weather report and they are talking about rain for tomorrow," she reported. When Ben didn't say anything she looked up to find him still standing in the doorway staring at her. "What?"

"God, you are so beautiful," he whispered and began to slowly walk toward the bed until he stood in front of her. He reached out and gently took her face in his hands. He tilted her head back and leaned over to kiss her passionately. Her arms went instinctively around his neck and they fell back onto the bed. His tongue slid into her waiting mouth and she responded with her whole body. When the kiss finally ended they were both breathless. Ben shifted slightly and moved over to explore her neck and ear. Felicity began to run her tongue down chest and when she touched his nipple his body shivered which brought a smile of satisfaction to her lips as she realized that he had moaned her name out loud. Their hands began to explore each other's body and with each touch Felicity felt that she was on fire. She ran her hands down his muscular back to his butt where she gripped him tightly. Ben began to massage her breast through the thin t-shirt and he could feel the nipple harden beneath his touch. He reached down and pulled the shirt up exposing the waiting flesh. Felicity's breath caught in her throat as his mouth latched on to her breast and she could feel his tongue circle the harden nipple. Her hands ran through his short hair as she closed her eyes in delight. She never wanted this to stop but when she felt his hand slip underneath the waistband of her shorts she tensed slightly. Ben sensed a change in her and asked softly, "Do you want to stop?"

"No. I don't… I don't want... Maybe, maybe we should. I mean..," Felicity stammered.

"Shhhh," Ben whispered as he pulled her top down to cover her breasts and folded her in his arms.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me," she mumbled burying her face into his chest. "I want to. You know I do but…"

"Listen, don't worry about it. We'll both know when the time is right. I just want you to know that I think you are amazing and I would never want you to do anything you're not comfortable with just because I want to. Do you know what I mean?" "Thank you," was all she said. He pulled her tighter in his embrace until they were both asleep.

Felicity became pensive as she thought back to that night. "Are you sorry that we never slept together on the road trip?" she asked quietly.

"What do you mean, we slept in the same bed practically every night," Ben teased.

Felicity moved out of his arms and turned to look up into in his face. "I'm being serious. Do you wish we had slept together?"

Ben pulled her back into his arms. "How am I supposed to answer that? I mean, of course I wanted to be with you. God, you know that better than anybody but you weren't ready and so it was okay. Why, are you sorry?"

Felicity hesitated for a second before she whispered, "Sometimes. I just… I just wish I hadn't been so afraid."

"You were afraid of me? Felicity, I would never….,"

"No! No, not of you. Never you," she interrupted throwing her arms around his neck and holding him tighter

"Then what are you talking about? What were you so afraid of?"

She sat for several minutes just trying to get her thoughts in order before she continued. "I don't even know how to explain it. I guess I was afraid of making another mistake and hurting more people that I love."

"Do you think going with me was a mistake?"

Felicity reached up and touched his cheek and shook her head. "No I don't think it was a mistake. I just wish it hadn't been so complicated."

Ben sighed deeply and looked out over the field at the people walking through the park. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"I just wish I would have done things differently and been more honest with Julie and Noel. Do you think they'll ever forgive us?"

"I don't know but I hope so."

Felicity settled back into his arms with her head resting on his chest. "It's just awful when I think of how I hurt both of them and that I may never be able to get their friendship back. I guess that's one of the reasons I was so afraid. I made so many mistakes last year that I was afraid of making another one with you." Ben started to interrupt her but she didn't seem to hear him so he just sat back quietly and let her express her feelings.

"I was trying so hard to resist you because I didn't want the trip to be just about sex. I wanted it to be about finding out about each other. I wanted it to mean something. I know you think I put too much faith in meaning but to me that's really important. Whatever is between us is important to me and has to mean something. I think… I mean, I thought that if we had sex on the trip that it would not be about caring for each other but would be more about the physical aspect. I know that I wanted you and to be with you. I wanted you to touch me. To make love to me. But I wanted it to mean more than it would have with anyone else. I wanted it to be for the right reasons. I know that I'm a romantic and sometimes I over think things but this seemed so important at the time." Her voice trailed off as she seemed to be become lost in her own world of thoughts.

"I'm, I'm… I'm sorry if I was pushing you too hard."

"No, you were amazing. I mean you were just perfect. This, this whole thing isn't even about you. It's about me and how it seems I just make a mess out of everything."

"You didn't mess anything up on the trip," Ben protested.

Felicity heaved a deep sigh before she answered. "I don't know if I can explain it but I think I'm always messing things up because I still think like a little girl most of the time. I live in this pretend world where Prince Charming is going to come turn me into this fairy princess and we are going to live happily ever after. Look at how I followed you to New York. I mean you give me one kind word and I change my entire life to follow a dream. And then I did the same thing with Noel. He was good and kind to me and I knew that he really liked me. I was so desperate to have a boy friend that I made up this whole relationship. When I stop and think about it I feel like I used him and his friendship. How could I have been that desperate? And even the whole thing with Eli was me just wanting to be loved. When Noel went off with Hannah I was so hurt. And then I saw you with Julie at Epstein Bar and it was like I didn't have any dreams left. I kept thinking something must be wrong with me that I didn't have anyone. I felt like my whole word was crashing in on me and I just wanted someone to want me. It's like I was using sex to prove something to myself. That I was desirable. That someone wanted me."

"I'm sorry you were hurting so much," Ben whispered. "I wish I would have known."

"No, you couldn't know. I was the one who was trying to live out some fantasy existence." Felicity turned in his arms to face him. "I think that…, that's what I was so afraid of on the road trip."

"I don't understand."

"Well it's like everything before the trip was kinda make believe and then the bubble burst and I had to face reality. I kept thinking that maybe what we were feeling on the trip was all in my imagination too. See I wanted everything to mean something but then I started thinking what if you just wanted to have a summer fling." Ben started to protest but Felicity just shook her head and continued. "I just couldn't let myself be let down like that again. I mean, even when we said goodbye in Palo Alto after the trip I didn't know exactly where things stood between us. What it was going to be like when I saw you this year when school stated. What if you just walked by me. What if you met someone new over the summer? All of these things just kept going on in my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I think that's what was holding me back."

"Felicity, I don't know what to say. I mean I told you that I like you and I meant that. I mean, I don't know where this thing is going between us but I do know one thing for sure, you never were just some summer fling. I wish you had told me what you were thinking maybe I could have helped."

"I wish I had too. I know even now I keep going over it in my mind and I keep wondering if I should have done things differently."

"Listen, I um, I don't really know how to, how to say this because I'm not good at talking about things." Felicity gave him an encouraging smile as he stumbled trying to get the words out. Ben took a deep breath and continued, "But I think if you were having that much trouble deciding then you did the right thing. Does, does that make sense?"

Felicity looked at him with love in her eyes. "That was the perfect thing to say. I thought you said you weren't any good at this."

Ben kissed her quickly on the lips before taking her into his arms and hugging her tightly. "You must be a good influence on me."

Felicity sighed contentedly, "I hope you always think that."

HR

"Hey."

"Hey," Ben returned Sean's greeting as he came through the door of the loft.

"What you been up to?" Sean asked.

"Not too much. Felicity and I just went to eat and then to Bryant Park."

"So you haven't called it off with Felicity yet?"

"Sean, why don't you drop it? I'm not in the mood." Ben sat down on the sofa and put his feet up on the coffee table.

"Listen Ben, I'm just trying to save you some grief. Felicity is not right for you." Ben leaned his head back on the sofa and closed his eyes. "Okay Buddy, I can see you have to find out for yourself so I'm going to stop. But just do me a favor and be careful." Sean got up and started up the stairs. "I think I'm going to call it a night. I'll see you in the morning."

"Nite," Ben mumbled never opening his eyes. As he sat there alone he began going over in his mind everything that had been said that night. It amazed me that Felicity could be so open and honest about her feelings. He had never been able to do that. To talk about things that were really important to him or that bothered him. He smiled when he remembered the first time Felicity had opened up like that and told him why she came to New York. He still couldn't believe that she followed him like that or even that she told him about it. And then when she had come to the loft after he told her he wanted to date Julie that had been the biggest shock of all. How could she could put herself out there for the whole world to see? He really admired her for being able to do that but it was kind of scary in a way. He knew that she wanted him to be able to open up like that but something always held him back. They had talked a lot on the trip and he had opened up to her, more than he had with anyone else, but there was still a lot he never talked about. Maybe Sean was right. Maybe Felicity wasn't the one for him or maybe it was that he wasn't right for Felicity. What if he couldn't live up to her expectations? He thought back to the time she rewrote his essay. When he first found out he was so mad at her. But the more he thought about it he was really madder at himself. What if he just wasn't smart enough for her? Felicity was always a good student while he had just gotten by. He never considered himself dumb but he never thought he was in her league. Would she start to think that he couldn't keep up with her? He hadn't even decided on a major yet. Sometimes he couldn't even figure out why he was in college or what the hell he was going to do with the rest of his life. Like Sean said Felicity knows exactly what she wants and goes after it and he couldn't even figure out the next week. Maybe Felicity did belong with somebody like Noel, somebody with a future. It suddenly occurred to him that he was thinking about Felicity and the future. He wasn't just thinking about what to do now but having her in his life for a long time. When did that happen?

Ben got up off of the sofa and walked into his room. He went to the desk and took the pictures from the summer road trip that Felicity had given him out of the drawer. As he looked down at Felicity's face he began to smile inwardly. It was funny how just her picture had that effect on him. He took her picture over to the bedside table and propped it up against the lamp. As he sat on the bed looking at her smiling face a feeling of determination came over him. Although there were a lot of things that he couldn't figure out about this relationship with Felicity there was one thing that he knew for sure and that was he wanted her in his life. And if it meant changing and working harder he would do that because he wasn't about to let her go.