A/N-- Hello my freaky darlings! Hehehe.... I'm having fun with this chapter.... I'm not telling you what happens.... but it's fun for moi... hehehee.....
The Wishmasters- Be nice to Anna!! I happen to like Anna/Gabriel stories too, ya know... LOL, I forgive you.
Anna haunting Van Helsing was actually very significant... but okay, you get lots of Carl in this chappie! You won't be so happy later.... hehehehe.....
Jade- I'm happy it's not TOO angsty! There is some very mild suicidal stuff in this chappie, tho... as well as some more torn-ness!
Peekaboo42- Hahahaha, my story is cooking... adds some spices Sorry, I just found that really funny.... I hope this chapter does as well!
PineappleIce- Ohh yes. Van Helsing shoulda listened to Anna... hehehe... hope you aren't TOO confused, cuz you won't get any answers for a couple chapters.
Papilio- Mistress of angst? --blushes-- I'm flattered, but there are others better at it than I...
'Haunted' used to scare the bejeepers out of me. I wouldn't even listen to it for the first couple weeks I had the CD, it scared me too much! But once you really listen to the lyrics and all, it's really good, isn't it? I love all of Evanescence's songs... sorry that this chapter isn't one, but the one after it is!
This chapter's song is Fallen by Sarah McLachlan. Next chapter is Imaginary by Evanescence. ENJOY!
Chapter 5:
Fallen
Carl no longer even went into the church or to the confessional to pray. He couldn't. He knew he was wicked, a sinner, but he loved the sin too much to push it out into the light of Heaven and have it taken away. He stuck to his room and his lab, speaking almost to no one, least of all the Cardinal, who had begun to worry about him.
"When was the last time you ate, Friar Carl?" He asked. Carl was sitting at his desk in his room, scribbling away.
"I don't remember, Father." Carl mumbled without looking up.
"That can't be good." A frown could be heard in the Cardinal's voice.
"I know, Father." He continued absently, still refusing to meet the other man's gaze.
"Do you worry about Van Helsing?" The Cardinal pressed. There was a long, heavy pause before Carl answered.
"...yes, Father."
"Carl, you need not be so formal. I know that he is one of your only friends and that you worry for his safety. I do too. He is like the son I can never have. But you cannot allow your worries to kill you like this." The Cardinal paused. "Or is it something else?"
"I'm not sure." Carl said hesitantly, leaning back in his chair but keeping his eyes straight ahead and glazed over.
"If something is weighing on your soul, you should go to confession. That is another place we have not seen you at in some time." Jinette chided quietly.
"I know that I should go, but I have so many-" Carl began.
"Battles to fight?" He smiled softly at the look of surprise on Carl's face. "Van Helsing is not the only warrior here, this I know. But do not worry... if you put faith in God, you will succeed." With that, he left.
"Yes, but I fear that God may have forsaken me for the devil." Carl shuddered, remembering the dreams that had been coming to him of late. None had arrived that last night, since he had been unable to sleep for worrying.
Cardinal Jinette was right. A battle had been raging back and forth across his soul ever since Van Helsing had left for Greece, a battle that was threatening to rip him apart. On one hand, both he and Gabriel were men of God. But on the other hand, they were mere mortals struggling to stop the world from being sucked down into Hell. Theirs was a life of darkness and secrecy with as few comforts as can be left to someone who knows that all their nightmares are real. Could he not have his one good dream come true and be allowed the comfort of Van Helsing's arms?
He knelt in the small square of light formed by the only window in his room. It was a small comfort too as it wrapped its warm, golden arms around his shaking form. He could almost imagine that it was Van Helsing... He began to reach for his crucifix, but his hand trembled and fell back to his side before he could touch it.
It's a sign, he thought. I have become unholy from these thoughts. I can no longer bring myself to touch the cross....
Carl started to pray, but could no longer bring himself to do that either. At last he rose to his feet, standing now in the square of light and looking straight into the sun, not caring that his eyes watered dangerously.
"I don't know if you will still listen to me." He said in a shaky voice. "And I think this may be the last time I try and get you to. I've asked you again and again to deliver me from these sinful thoughts... but you don't seem to care.
"Dear God above, tell me what I'm doing wrong. Why am I cursed with these thoughts, with this burning need inside me? I-if I must be burdened with them, then I ask you to do one of two things."
His voice rose in a trembling cry, and when he heard his own words Carl wasn't sure if he was imploring the devil or God.
"Either take these feelings of love and lust for Van Helsing away from me or fulfill them. Because if they go on much longer I'm afraid I might not have any cause for salvation anymore. I'm afraid my very soul will be forfeit."
----
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
With the long-awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
----
Sighing, Gabriel leaned over the railing of the ship. He had been sick earlier that day, sick with apprehension and confusion, but now he was simply exhausted. That night, when he had at last drifted off, he had dreamed of Carl. But it wasn't the simple dreams he usually had... they were passionate and dark dreams that left him sweaty and dizzy in their wake. He wondered then if Anna had come to warn him of this, that he was falling away from the path of right and dooming himself for hell. Again and again he tried to call her spirit back to him to get the answer, to no avail.
At least he would be seeing Carl soon. That was where the apprehension was coming from. He wasn't sure he could bear to look at the Friar without dying of shame and want. But he wasn't sure he could live without ever looking upon his face again...
"I'm trying, God. I'm trying to be your Left Hand and do what you ask. But I'm not getting anything in return. I know my reward should be a place in Heaven... but hell, right now I'm here on Earth and I need just a small taste of that reward. Just one taste of his lips..." Gabriel let his voice trail off there. He had known Heaven when he kissed Anna, but he had offered too much. His plan had been too extravagant, too daring. It had cost the gypsy princess her life. Not an hour after he had tasted Heaven on her lips he had tasted Hell in his tears.
This was a thousand times worse than that. The thing he wanted the most, the one reward he wanted to beg God for, was so close within his reach. He shuddered, remembering how many times in the days before he had left they had touched innocently. They still left fire on his body. So close...
----
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
----
Carl sank slowly to his knees once more, his face awash with tears that sparkled in the sunlight. But he hated that light now. It wouldn't help him, it wouldn't make anything right. It just made all his hideous faults more and more apparent, it just showed how wretchedly far he had fallen from the path of right and good and how far he was from having what he wanted. He had seen Van Helsing kiss Anna, why couldn't he have that for himself...?
A very tiny part of him began to squeak then.
What's wrong with you? You shouldn't be thinking this...
"I want to think it now." He whispered. "I want it... so badly... it hurts..." As if to illustrate this to some invisible person in the room, he crawled into the shadow and wrapped his arms around his middle as though he'd be sick.
I told you you'd get it someday... with all your cursing and lusting... this is your punishment...
"It's not punishment if I enjoy it..." Carl whispered back, more tears leaking out of the corner of his eyes as he shut them tight against the darkness and the light. Hell, he was shutting them out against the whole world right now. He hated all of it, all of it. Every little bit of it except for Gabriel Van Helsing....
----
Though I've tried, fallen I have
Sunk so low
I messed up
Better, I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
----
He started off doing everything right. He ate well and got a good night's sleep, did all his schoolwork and prayed every night. He always sought to make saving the world a little easier and only worked to good ends with good means. He always believed that he could change the world doing what he did, and when Van Helsing came into his care, battered and broken of body and spirit, he thought he could change him too. He could make him trust people and believe in God again. And he had. He had become his friend and confidante.
"But I couldn't change him enough." Carl whispered. "I can't make him love me..."
What tells you that he doesn't? Asked a smaller still part of him. He opened his eyes to the world again. The light didn't seem so harsh now and the darkness didn't seem so menacing. The words echoed in his mind once more, awakening some form of hope within his aching chest.
----
We all began with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
----
Van Helsing stood back from the railing, suddenly feeling very tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. Tired of fighting. He was sick of waking up alone and feeling, in that lonely light, every wound on his soul that would never go away. How easy it would be to fling himself into the sea right then and become subject to its whims. Carl would not miss him.
But then... he felt something. It was that same gnawing, twisting feeling that woke him up on the nights Carl had nightmares. But why was he feeling it now...? There was only one explanation. Carl was hurting. He was somewhere, all alone, crying.
I have to go back to him. Gabriel thought fervently. I have to save my Carl...
Something in him told Van Helsing that it was okay to call Carl his, despite the bitter taste in his mouth. Why love at all if it would be snatched away?
How do you know that someone will take him away? Piped up a distant part of him, the fire that kept him going. The fire lit by the light of Carl's sparkling eyes.
"Because that's the way it always is." The Hunter sighed, thinking of Anna and a past he could not recall that hurt him all the same. But then again, they certainly did break the mold when God made Carl...
As they docked and he bought a ticket for a coach headed to the Vatican City, Van Helsing could only pray that life hadn't broken Carl.
----
But we carry on our backs
The burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I held so dear
----
Carl slept for days on end it seemed, always lost in dreams of Van Helsing. And he didn't fight them this time. He flung himself into them with relish, even the more passionate ones that once scared the hell out of him.
Hell can't be scared out of me now. He thought in one of his few waking moments. I'm bound for it. It will follow me for the rest of my life now...
It was a fair price to pay, though, for such sweet bliss... Who cared how far he had fallen in the dream world he had built, anyway?
----
Fallen I have
Sunk so low
I messed up
Better, I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
----
Nothing lasts forever, and while his heart and soul were reveling in dreams his body began to cry out for the worldly pleasures of food and movement. And, of course, for Van Helsing. But once Carl staggered out of bed and got some food in his system, his heart and soul joined in the chorus too. Soon all would be fulfilled, they whispered to him. Gabriel was coming home that day.
"What's Friar Carl been doing lately?"
"Destroying himself is what it is."
"Some say he's visited by the devil in his dreams."
"You can here him crying out from his room..."
"Maybe he's just sick...."
"Don't defend him. He's always been the odd one..."
"I say he's fallen into sin..."
"He does seem to think an awful lot on Van Helsing..."
There were many repercussions of the Friar's seclusion, and the least of them was not the gossip. While he had withdrawn from the world, it had turned its back on him. Everyone considered him mad now, talking about him while he was in the room because they figured he wouldn't understand them anymore. Or worse, that he was a sinful man who no longer possessed feelings.
"They could never understand." He sighed to himself as he made his way along his secret passage and to his waiting spot. "I feel more than they could ever dream. I am mad. Mad with a love I can never hope will be returned..." For a while he thought of ways he could regain their trust. Build some amazing new invention, making a fantastic discovery... But he dismissed them all. All that mattered was Van Helsing's approval. And the Hunter would not abandon him so lightly. He would stay with him through this madness, even if he refused to cure it with a simple touch and three words....
----
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
Lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh, they turn their heads, embarrassed,
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one misstep and slip
Before they know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed...
----
There he was, walking up the steps, haggard and slow. Carl's heart leapt up while his stomach sunk. He was here, alive! But injured, it seemed. He rushed out of his hiding place in accordance to his dream. He would not run and hide this time, he would meet him in the confessional... He didn't know that he was on a collision course with destiny when he ordered the priest already there to attend to some other duty and took his place instead.
Van Helsing was weary beyond all belief as he walked into the Vatican. But something was wrong with Carl, he knew it, and he wouldn't stop until he had made it better. He walked into the confessional and removed his hat, crossing himself.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." He mumbled.
"Naughty Gabriel." Came the playful reply. The grate was opened and then the door; before him stood a smiling Friar he knew all too well.
"Carl!" Gabriel cried with some shock. The Friar gave a little bow and a smile, and then looked carefully at his friend, looking for any visible sign of injury.
"You look tired." Was his quiet assessment.
"I'm sure I pull it off better than you do." Van Helsing smirked, looking the Friar up and down. "Did you cut yourself shaving?" He asked, gesturing to the cut on the Friar's cheek.
"Yes." He said sheepishly. "I remembered how you don't like seeing me with stubble."
"Well haggard and scraggly just isn't your look." Van Helsing drawled. "Here, there's some blood on it." He reached up and ran his thumb across the cut. Carl frowned. He hadn't felt any blood dripping down... but who was he to complain? Then he noticed the strange looks the other churchgoers were giving them.
"Let's get down to the headquarters. I'm sure the Cardinal has a new mission..." He trailed off a little bitterly, opening the secret door and ushering Van Helsing in with a light push on the back. It was an action he instantly regretted when the Hunter arched slightly and hissed, quickly stepping out of the Friar's reach. "You're injured, aren't you?" Carl asked quickly.
"Nothing serious." Gabriel assured him. "Just reopened the wounds on my back."
"Then you aren't going to see Cardinal Jinette. He doesn't know you're back yet, we can get you to my room and take care of these wounds before he kicks you out the door." Carl insisted, leading Van Helsing to a different passage that went more quickly to the friary and effectively avoiding prying eyes.
"If he didn't send you, then how did you know I was returning?" Gabriel asked curiously.
"Just... intuition, I suppose." Was Carl's weak reply.
"Ah." He responded quietly. He would not press the matter.
He wouldn't even press speech for quite some time, allowing himself to be led into Carl's room and sat on the bed. Carl practically threw a fit when he tried to remove his own clothes, insisting that he do so for him. Both would've had a good laugh if they had known how similar their thoughts were on these actions.
God, why couldn't this happen after every mission? I know it's sin, but at least now I know why so many people commit sins. It makes me feel.. whole, and right. Van Helsing thought as Carl tugged his shirt gently off and then sat behind him, removing his bandages gently.
Why won't he let me do this after every mission? Who cares if it's wrong. I'm not even sure that it is wrong. It feels so... right. Carl thought as he removed the bandages and began to gently rub in some soothing salves on the wounds.
Van Helsing hardly dared to hope or dream of it, but now he found himself almost... believing it. Every single one of Carl's actions were so... loving. Tender. He was as familiar with his body, where to press to make the hurt go away and where not to press lest he cause more hurt, as though he had been doing this for so long.
Maybe in his mind he has been doing this for as long as I too have imagined it. He shuddered slightly at the thought. That was a lie, he knew it. Carl was a man of God... But aren't I his Left Hand?
"Sorry, have I hurt you?" Carl asked worriedly, his head popping up over Gabriel's shoulder when he shuddered. He had just finished bandaging him again. With nothing else to do, his hands strayed up to absently massage his tense shoulders. Van Helsing turned his head slightly to face him.
"Actually that feels quite good." His stomach plummeted the second the words left his mouth. No, no, no, no. He didn't just say that.
"Well I-I'm g-glad." Carl squeaked.
"I've frightened you." Van Helsing said softly, standing.
"No, no you haven't." Carl begged, looking up at his friend. The sight of his friend (he knew why the word hurt now; he wished they were more) half-clothed in his room almost made him tremble. "Please don't go." He begged in a barely audible voice.
"I must." Van Helsing said, putting his shirt and coat back on. "For both of us."
Before Carl could do anything, he left the room and silence filled the hole where he had been. Again their thoughts intersected unknowingly: each was afraid he had pushed the other to hard. They both thought that the only reason they had come so close is that one friend wanted the other to be happy, regardless of how wrong it felt. And both now felt very scared that they were about to lose each other even as friends.
Mute and unmoving, Van Helsing lay in his room the rest of the day. He knew instinctively when night had fallen and when Carl had gone to sleep. He knew that his dreams were more worried than he'd ever felt them to be. And, worst of all, he knew it was his fault. The little Friar must've known how badly he needed him and was willing to sacrifice his very soul to make him feel better. Van Helsing stood. He couldn't let the man he loved more than salvation waste himself away fearing for his soul because he needed to fill the holes in his friend's soul with a love he didn't possess.
Silent as a ghost, he traced the familiar path to Carl's room with his feet. He felt as dead as a ghost, to be sure. He was about to give up his whole world...
His whole world was right before him when he stole into the Friar's room, lying on the bed, curled up on his side. It filled him with so many emotions... they formed first a fire that melted all the careful walls of ice around his heart and then transformed into a wave, breaking the now vulnerable organ. Van Helsing sank to his knees at the side of the bed and watched the Friar for a few precious moments. He felt... as only Carl could make him feel. There was no other name for the complex emotion. Not love, not pain, not joy, not Heaven, not Hell. Just CARL.
He bent down and pressed his lips to Carl's once, very lightly, and then stood and backed away. It would be the last time he tasted Heaven ever again. Because he knew now... he couldn't stay. He couldn't stay there and destroy them both. For surely that was how it would end. He would drive himself mad over something he could not have and would drive Carl away from him or else drag him down into the dark place his world had become. He couldn't bear to damn them both.
He couldn't stay.
----
Fallen I have
Sunk so low
I messed up
Better, I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
----
"Good-bye..." Gabriel whispered, backing out of the room. He didn't know where he'd go... to Hell, perhaps, by way of a knife. He wasn't sure. But he'd go.
"Leaving already? At least you remembered to say good-bye this time." Carl sat up with a yawn, stretching.
"Yes, I'm leaving." Every word was an effort for the larger man, that was easy to see. His eyes were wet with tears and his voice hoarse with emotion.
"Something's wrong." Carl replied quietly, slipping out of bed and approaching the Hunter carefully. "Please... tell me before you go?" It took a moment, but Van Helsing soon began to talk.
"I was crossing the Adriatic and all I could do was miss Anna. But every other second.... all I could think about was you. I missed you, and I felt so bad that I didn't say good-bye and... I think that I...." He cut himself off there, afraid to speak. Carl, too, could find nothing to say. But the quietest actions have always spoke louder than shouted words. He smiled and pulled Van Helsing to him in a soft, sweet kiss. His stomach quivered when the Hunter kissed him back, but he forced himself to pull away.
"Well? What were you going to say?" Carl asked with a cheeky grin.
"Something like that." Van Helsing smiled back.
"Care to say it again?" He beamed.
"Of course..." He whispered, bending down to kiss him again.
In that kiss, both knew more than could ever be described. They knew Heaven in the taste of their lips melding perfectly and Hell in the tears washing down both their faces. There was love and lust and laughter and sadness all rolled together as their mouths opened and their tongues slid across each other's. It was so bizarre and perfect that both had a different, one-word definition for it.
For Carl, there was Gabriel.
For Gabriel, there was Carl.
For the world, there was something very rare and simple and sweet: love.
They would've been content to remain there forever, but nothing lasts forever.
Nothing.
A/N-- I'M SO HAPPY!!! ...sorry, that chapter made me oddly hyper... anyways... there will be some yummy limey goodness in the next chapter, but to get it you needs to review!!! So review=limey goodness very soon! Oh and also, this fic is going to be 14 chapters long. JSYK!
The Wishmasters- Be nice to Anna!! I happen to like Anna/Gabriel stories too, ya know... LOL, I forgive you.
Anna haunting Van Helsing was actually very significant... but okay, you get lots of Carl in this chappie! You won't be so happy later.... hehehehe.....
Jade- I'm happy it's not TOO angsty! There is some very mild suicidal stuff in this chappie, tho... as well as some more torn-ness!
Peekaboo42- Hahahaha, my story is cooking... adds some spices Sorry, I just found that really funny.... I hope this chapter does as well!
PineappleIce- Ohh yes. Van Helsing shoulda listened to Anna... hehehe... hope you aren't TOO confused, cuz you won't get any answers for a couple chapters.
Papilio- Mistress of angst? --blushes-- I'm flattered, but there are others better at it than I...
'Haunted' used to scare the bejeepers out of me. I wouldn't even listen to it for the first couple weeks I had the CD, it scared me too much! But once you really listen to the lyrics and all, it's really good, isn't it? I love all of Evanescence's songs... sorry that this chapter isn't one, but the one after it is!
This chapter's song is Fallen by Sarah McLachlan. Next chapter is Imaginary by Evanescence. ENJOY!
Chapter 5:
Fallen
Carl no longer even went into the church or to the confessional to pray. He couldn't. He knew he was wicked, a sinner, but he loved the sin too much to push it out into the light of Heaven and have it taken away. He stuck to his room and his lab, speaking almost to no one, least of all the Cardinal, who had begun to worry about him.
"When was the last time you ate, Friar Carl?" He asked. Carl was sitting at his desk in his room, scribbling away.
"I don't remember, Father." Carl mumbled without looking up.
"That can't be good." A frown could be heard in the Cardinal's voice.
"I know, Father." He continued absently, still refusing to meet the other man's gaze.
"Do you worry about Van Helsing?" The Cardinal pressed. There was a long, heavy pause before Carl answered.
"...yes, Father."
"Carl, you need not be so formal. I know that he is one of your only friends and that you worry for his safety. I do too. He is like the son I can never have. But you cannot allow your worries to kill you like this." The Cardinal paused. "Or is it something else?"
"I'm not sure." Carl said hesitantly, leaning back in his chair but keeping his eyes straight ahead and glazed over.
"If something is weighing on your soul, you should go to confession. That is another place we have not seen you at in some time." Jinette chided quietly.
"I know that I should go, but I have so many-" Carl began.
"Battles to fight?" He smiled softly at the look of surprise on Carl's face. "Van Helsing is not the only warrior here, this I know. But do not worry... if you put faith in God, you will succeed." With that, he left.
"Yes, but I fear that God may have forsaken me for the devil." Carl shuddered, remembering the dreams that had been coming to him of late. None had arrived that last night, since he had been unable to sleep for worrying.
Cardinal Jinette was right. A battle had been raging back and forth across his soul ever since Van Helsing had left for Greece, a battle that was threatening to rip him apart. On one hand, both he and Gabriel were men of God. But on the other hand, they were mere mortals struggling to stop the world from being sucked down into Hell. Theirs was a life of darkness and secrecy with as few comforts as can be left to someone who knows that all their nightmares are real. Could he not have his one good dream come true and be allowed the comfort of Van Helsing's arms?
He knelt in the small square of light formed by the only window in his room. It was a small comfort too as it wrapped its warm, golden arms around his shaking form. He could almost imagine that it was Van Helsing... He began to reach for his crucifix, but his hand trembled and fell back to his side before he could touch it.
It's a sign, he thought. I have become unholy from these thoughts. I can no longer bring myself to touch the cross....
Carl started to pray, but could no longer bring himself to do that either. At last he rose to his feet, standing now in the square of light and looking straight into the sun, not caring that his eyes watered dangerously.
"I don't know if you will still listen to me." He said in a shaky voice. "And I think this may be the last time I try and get you to. I've asked you again and again to deliver me from these sinful thoughts... but you don't seem to care.
"Dear God above, tell me what I'm doing wrong. Why am I cursed with these thoughts, with this burning need inside me? I-if I must be burdened with them, then I ask you to do one of two things."
His voice rose in a trembling cry, and when he heard his own words Carl wasn't sure if he was imploring the devil or God.
"Either take these feelings of love and lust for Van Helsing away from me or fulfill them. Because if they go on much longer I'm afraid I might not have any cause for salvation anymore. I'm afraid my very soul will be forfeit."
----
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
With the long-awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
----
Sighing, Gabriel leaned over the railing of the ship. He had been sick earlier that day, sick with apprehension and confusion, but now he was simply exhausted. That night, when he had at last drifted off, he had dreamed of Carl. But it wasn't the simple dreams he usually had... they were passionate and dark dreams that left him sweaty and dizzy in their wake. He wondered then if Anna had come to warn him of this, that he was falling away from the path of right and dooming himself for hell. Again and again he tried to call her spirit back to him to get the answer, to no avail.
At least he would be seeing Carl soon. That was where the apprehension was coming from. He wasn't sure he could bear to look at the Friar without dying of shame and want. But he wasn't sure he could live without ever looking upon his face again...
"I'm trying, God. I'm trying to be your Left Hand and do what you ask. But I'm not getting anything in return. I know my reward should be a place in Heaven... but hell, right now I'm here on Earth and I need just a small taste of that reward. Just one taste of his lips..." Gabriel let his voice trail off there. He had known Heaven when he kissed Anna, but he had offered too much. His plan had been too extravagant, too daring. It had cost the gypsy princess her life. Not an hour after he had tasted Heaven on her lips he had tasted Hell in his tears.
This was a thousand times worse than that. The thing he wanted the most, the one reward he wanted to beg God for, was so close within his reach. He shuddered, remembering how many times in the days before he had left they had touched innocently. They still left fire on his body. So close...
----
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
----
Carl sank slowly to his knees once more, his face awash with tears that sparkled in the sunlight. But he hated that light now. It wouldn't help him, it wouldn't make anything right. It just made all his hideous faults more and more apparent, it just showed how wretchedly far he had fallen from the path of right and good and how far he was from having what he wanted. He had seen Van Helsing kiss Anna, why couldn't he have that for himself...?
A very tiny part of him began to squeak then.
What's wrong with you? You shouldn't be thinking this...
"I want to think it now." He whispered. "I want it... so badly... it hurts..." As if to illustrate this to some invisible person in the room, he crawled into the shadow and wrapped his arms around his middle as though he'd be sick.
I told you you'd get it someday... with all your cursing and lusting... this is your punishment...
"It's not punishment if I enjoy it..." Carl whispered back, more tears leaking out of the corner of his eyes as he shut them tight against the darkness and the light. Hell, he was shutting them out against the whole world right now. He hated all of it, all of it. Every little bit of it except for Gabriel Van Helsing....
----
Though I've tried, fallen I have
Sunk so low
I messed up
Better, I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
----
He started off doing everything right. He ate well and got a good night's sleep, did all his schoolwork and prayed every night. He always sought to make saving the world a little easier and only worked to good ends with good means. He always believed that he could change the world doing what he did, and when Van Helsing came into his care, battered and broken of body and spirit, he thought he could change him too. He could make him trust people and believe in God again. And he had. He had become his friend and confidante.
"But I couldn't change him enough." Carl whispered. "I can't make him love me..."
What tells you that he doesn't? Asked a smaller still part of him. He opened his eyes to the world again. The light didn't seem so harsh now and the darkness didn't seem so menacing. The words echoed in his mind once more, awakening some form of hope within his aching chest.
----
We all began with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
----
Van Helsing stood back from the railing, suddenly feeling very tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. Tired of fighting. He was sick of waking up alone and feeling, in that lonely light, every wound on his soul that would never go away. How easy it would be to fling himself into the sea right then and become subject to its whims. Carl would not miss him.
But then... he felt something. It was that same gnawing, twisting feeling that woke him up on the nights Carl had nightmares. But why was he feeling it now...? There was only one explanation. Carl was hurting. He was somewhere, all alone, crying.
I have to go back to him. Gabriel thought fervently. I have to save my Carl...
Something in him told Van Helsing that it was okay to call Carl his, despite the bitter taste in his mouth. Why love at all if it would be snatched away?
How do you know that someone will take him away? Piped up a distant part of him, the fire that kept him going. The fire lit by the light of Carl's sparkling eyes.
"Because that's the way it always is." The Hunter sighed, thinking of Anna and a past he could not recall that hurt him all the same. But then again, they certainly did break the mold when God made Carl...
As they docked and he bought a ticket for a coach headed to the Vatican City, Van Helsing could only pray that life hadn't broken Carl.
----
But we carry on our backs
The burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I held so dear
----
Carl slept for days on end it seemed, always lost in dreams of Van Helsing. And he didn't fight them this time. He flung himself into them with relish, even the more passionate ones that once scared the hell out of him.
Hell can't be scared out of me now. He thought in one of his few waking moments. I'm bound for it. It will follow me for the rest of my life now...
It was a fair price to pay, though, for such sweet bliss... Who cared how far he had fallen in the dream world he had built, anyway?
----
Fallen I have
Sunk so low
I messed up
Better, I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
----
Nothing lasts forever, and while his heart and soul were reveling in dreams his body began to cry out for the worldly pleasures of food and movement. And, of course, for Van Helsing. But once Carl staggered out of bed and got some food in his system, his heart and soul joined in the chorus too. Soon all would be fulfilled, they whispered to him. Gabriel was coming home that day.
"What's Friar Carl been doing lately?"
"Destroying himself is what it is."
"Some say he's visited by the devil in his dreams."
"You can here him crying out from his room..."
"Maybe he's just sick...."
"Don't defend him. He's always been the odd one..."
"I say he's fallen into sin..."
"He does seem to think an awful lot on Van Helsing..."
There were many repercussions of the Friar's seclusion, and the least of them was not the gossip. While he had withdrawn from the world, it had turned its back on him. Everyone considered him mad now, talking about him while he was in the room because they figured he wouldn't understand them anymore. Or worse, that he was a sinful man who no longer possessed feelings.
"They could never understand." He sighed to himself as he made his way along his secret passage and to his waiting spot. "I feel more than they could ever dream. I am mad. Mad with a love I can never hope will be returned..." For a while he thought of ways he could regain their trust. Build some amazing new invention, making a fantastic discovery... But he dismissed them all. All that mattered was Van Helsing's approval. And the Hunter would not abandon him so lightly. He would stay with him through this madness, even if he refused to cure it with a simple touch and three words....
----
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
Lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh, they turn their heads, embarrassed,
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one misstep and slip
Before they know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed...
----
There he was, walking up the steps, haggard and slow. Carl's heart leapt up while his stomach sunk. He was here, alive! But injured, it seemed. He rushed out of his hiding place in accordance to his dream. He would not run and hide this time, he would meet him in the confessional... He didn't know that he was on a collision course with destiny when he ordered the priest already there to attend to some other duty and took his place instead.
Van Helsing was weary beyond all belief as he walked into the Vatican. But something was wrong with Carl, he knew it, and he wouldn't stop until he had made it better. He walked into the confessional and removed his hat, crossing himself.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." He mumbled.
"Naughty Gabriel." Came the playful reply. The grate was opened and then the door; before him stood a smiling Friar he knew all too well.
"Carl!" Gabriel cried with some shock. The Friar gave a little bow and a smile, and then looked carefully at his friend, looking for any visible sign of injury.
"You look tired." Was his quiet assessment.
"I'm sure I pull it off better than you do." Van Helsing smirked, looking the Friar up and down. "Did you cut yourself shaving?" He asked, gesturing to the cut on the Friar's cheek.
"Yes." He said sheepishly. "I remembered how you don't like seeing me with stubble."
"Well haggard and scraggly just isn't your look." Van Helsing drawled. "Here, there's some blood on it." He reached up and ran his thumb across the cut. Carl frowned. He hadn't felt any blood dripping down... but who was he to complain? Then he noticed the strange looks the other churchgoers were giving them.
"Let's get down to the headquarters. I'm sure the Cardinal has a new mission..." He trailed off a little bitterly, opening the secret door and ushering Van Helsing in with a light push on the back. It was an action he instantly regretted when the Hunter arched slightly and hissed, quickly stepping out of the Friar's reach. "You're injured, aren't you?" Carl asked quickly.
"Nothing serious." Gabriel assured him. "Just reopened the wounds on my back."
"Then you aren't going to see Cardinal Jinette. He doesn't know you're back yet, we can get you to my room and take care of these wounds before he kicks you out the door." Carl insisted, leading Van Helsing to a different passage that went more quickly to the friary and effectively avoiding prying eyes.
"If he didn't send you, then how did you know I was returning?" Gabriel asked curiously.
"Just... intuition, I suppose." Was Carl's weak reply.
"Ah." He responded quietly. He would not press the matter.
He wouldn't even press speech for quite some time, allowing himself to be led into Carl's room and sat on the bed. Carl practically threw a fit when he tried to remove his own clothes, insisting that he do so for him. Both would've had a good laugh if they had known how similar their thoughts were on these actions.
God, why couldn't this happen after every mission? I know it's sin, but at least now I know why so many people commit sins. It makes me feel.. whole, and right. Van Helsing thought as Carl tugged his shirt gently off and then sat behind him, removing his bandages gently.
Why won't he let me do this after every mission? Who cares if it's wrong. I'm not even sure that it is wrong. It feels so... right. Carl thought as he removed the bandages and began to gently rub in some soothing salves on the wounds.
Van Helsing hardly dared to hope or dream of it, but now he found himself almost... believing it. Every single one of Carl's actions were so... loving. Tender. He was as familiar with his body, where to press to make the hurt go away and where not to press lest he cause more hurt, as though he had been doing this for so long.
Maybe in his mind he has been doing this for as long as I too have imagined it. He shuddered slightly at the thought. That was a lie, he knew it. Carl was a man of God... But aren't I his Left Hand?
"Sorry, have I hurt you?" Carl asked worriedly, his head popping up over Gabriel's shoulder when he shuddered. He had just finished bandaging him again. With nothing else to do, his hands strayed up to absently massage his tense shoulders. Van Helsing turned his head slightly to face him.
"Actually that feels quite good." His stomach plummeted the second the words left his mouth. No, no, no, no. He didn't just say that.
"Well I-I'm g-glad." Carl squeaked.
"I've frightened you." Van Helsing said softly, standing.
"No, no you haven't." Carl begged, looking up at his friend. The sight of his friend (he knew why the word hurt now; he wished they were more) half-clothed in his room almost made him tremble. "Please don't go." He begged in a barely audible voice.
"I must." Van Helsing said, putting his shirt and coat back on. "For both of us."
Before Carl could do anything, he left the room and silence filled the hole where he had been. Again their thoughts intersected unknowingly: each was afraid he had pushed the other to hard. They both thought that the only reason they had come so close is that one friend wanted the other to be happy, regardless of how wrong it felt. And both now felt very scared that they were about to lose each other even as friends.
Mute and unmoving, Van Helsing lay in his room the rest of the day. He knew instinctively when night had fallen and when Carl had gone to sleep. He knew that his dreams were more worried than he'd ever felt them to be. And, worst of all, he knew it was his fault. The little Friar must've known how badly he needed him and was willing to sacrifice his very soul to make him feel better. Van Helsing stood. He couldn't let the man he loved more than salvation waste himself away fearing for his soul because he needed to fill the holes in his friend's soul with a love he didn't possess.
Silent as a ghost, he traced the familiar path to Carl's room with his feet. He felt as dead as a ghost, to be sure. He was about to give up his whole world...
His whole world was right before him when he stole into the Friar's room, lying on the bed, curled up on his side. It filled him with so many emotions... they formed first a fire that melted all the careful walls of ice around his heart and then transformed into a wave, breaking the now vulnerable organ. Van Helsing sank to his knees at the side of the bed and watched the Friar for a few precious moments. He felt... as only Carl could make him feel. There was no other name for the complex emotion. Not love, not pain, not joy, not Heaven, not Hell. Just CARL.
He bent down and pressed his lips to Carl's once, very lightly, and then stood and backed away. It would be the last time he tasted Heaven ever again. Because he knew now... he couldn't stay. He couldn't stay there and destroy them both. For surely that was how it would end. He would drive himself mad over something he could not have and would drive Carl away from him or else drag him down into the dark place his world had become. He couldn't bear to damn them both.
He couldn't stay.
----
Fallen I have
Sunk so low
I messed up
Better, I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
----
"Good-bye..." Gabriel whispered, backing out of the room. He didn't know where he'd go... to Hell, perhaps, by way of a knife. He wasn't sure. But he'd go.
"Leaving already? At least you remembered to say good-bye this time." Carl sat up with a yawn, stretching.
"Yes, I'm leaving." Every word was an effort for the larger man, that was easy to see. His eyes were wet with tears and his voice hoarse with emotion.
"Something's wrong." Carl replied quietly, slipping out of bed and approaching the Hunter carefully. "Please... tell me before you go?" It took a moment, but Van Helsing soon began to talk.
"I was crossing the Adriatic and all I could do was miss Anna. But every other second.... all I could think about was you. I missed you, and I felt so bad that I didn't say good-bye and... I think that I...." He cut himself off there, afraid to speak. Carl, too, could find nothing to say. But the quietest actions have always spoke louder than shouted words. He smiled and pulled Van Helsing to him in a soft, sweet kiss. His stomach quivered when the Hunter kissed him back, but he forced himself to pull away.
"Well? What were you going to say?" Carl asked with a cheeky grin.
"Something like that." Van Helsing smiled back.
"Care to say it again?" He beamed.
"Of course..." He whispered, bending down to kiss him again.
In that kiss, both knew more than could ever be described. They knew Heaven in the taste of their lips melding perfectly and Hell in the tears washing down both their faces. There was love and lust and laughter and sadness all rolled together as their mouths opened and their tongues slid across each other's. It was so bizarre and perfect that both had a different, one-word definition for it.
For Carl, there was Gabriel.
For Gabriel, there was Carl.
For the world, there was something very rare and simple and sweet: love.
They would've been content to remain there forever, but nothing lasts forever.
Nothing.
A/N-- I'M SO HAPPY!!! ...sorry, that chapter made me oddly hyper... anyways... there will be some yummy limey goodness in the next chapter, but to get it you needs to review!!! So review=limey goodness very soon! Oh and also, this fic is going to be 14 chapters long. JSYK!