A/N-- Okay! --rubs hands together-- Now we get to the good stuff... Sorry for the delay in getting here, though! Working on three major stories (two fanfiction and one not) all at the same time was a really stupid idea I had.
Papilio()- Thank you so much! I'm glad you thought the song worked.. I was having kittens over that.
PineappleIce-..... dances like a pineapple? ROFLMAO! Of course I have to make life hard for them, this IS an angst romance!
Jade- Your review made me laugh so hard!! I'm glad I pulled off the kiss/intimate scene well; it was one of my first of the type. I hope you enjoy this chapter too!
melly()- Hey, that's my nickname! Thanks for the review!
The Wishmasters- Yup, our (naughty) little Friar has got some moves!!
I'm glad you liked that scene, I couldn't resist! Actually, it goes back to an inside joke with a couple of my friends... they'd get it completely... but I'm glad it made you laugh!
I felt like I was the only one who hadn't seen the London Assignment too! But then I bugged one of my friends into renting it. GO RENT IT NOW! IT'S FRICKIN' HILARIOUS!
Chibi-Kaz- Wow... that's lofty praise! I guess the only thing I can say in return is that your review was one of the most well-spoken I've ever gotten! Thank you!
This chapter's song is My Immortal by Evanescence. Next chapter's song is Whisper by Evanescence. (Also, yall could consider Solitaire, originally meant as a stand-alone fic, to be a deleted scene from this fic.)
Chapter Seven:
My Immortal
"Ah, lovely Transylvania. Dark, gloomy, paranoid, and cursed with the worst luck on the face of the planet." Van Helsing said with scathing cheer. Carl winced at his mockery.
"You do know that the people around us can hear you, don't you?"
"I know and I don't care."
"You really hate this place, don't you?" Carl asked innocently enough.
"Yes. I do." Gabriel replied a little shortly. Later, where no one could see them, the Friar remembered to give him a consoling kiss.
They secured a room at an inn in Budapest. There was still daylight left, and Van Helsing expressed no wish to be leaving. He didn't express much of anything as a matter of fact; he just stalked around the room, arranging everything carefully. He was on the knife-edge of awareness, utterly and entirely consumed by paranoia.
Why, WHY did he have to bring Carl along?
It wasn't like Carl had done anything wrong, actually. It was just the fact that everywhere they went, a near-death experience for the Friar occurred. Or, nearly occurred. Carl seemed to be oblivious to the fact that every two seconds something nearly fatal happened to him. He was also oblivious to the fact that it was Friday the thirteenth. Van Helsing was all too aware of both; like a rotten cherry on top of a melting ice cream sundae, Anna had begun to haunt him again. She was even more urgent this time, desperate and fearful. But even though she kept insisting she was there to help, he was still terrified of her. He got little sleep on their voyage.
He appreciated Carl's presence this time around. They'd spend many a frozen night, curled up together, naked and not caring who came in, talking or just reveling in each other's presence. They learned a lot about each other in those days, a lot of little things that might not have mattered to some but meant the universe to them. Things like what their favorite meal was, what their worst fear was, what the best time of their life was, and when they had hit their lowest point. That was how it was with them; it went from light to dark to light again. Their conversations were paradoxes, beautiful, misunderstood, and perfectly contradicting. They could breathe out a sob and a laugh at the same time, and did so often.
They were still learning a lot about each other, Carl realized. For one thing, Gabriel was absolutely the most ticklish man he knew. He was shivering with held back laughter now, as Carl was rubbing his cheek against his broad chest. They could hardly stand in the same room together without touching at some point, whether it involved a simple brush of hands unnoticed by strict society, or the kisses they rained down on each other when in private. They loved each other that much. And there was... a fear there too. Perhaps they were so intense because they knew somewhere inside their time would be short.
His lover was upset that day, this much he knew for certain. Gabriel's eyes stared into Carl's, but saw nothing. Every now and then, he'd catch him watching him with a stricken look on his face. Of course, he'd quickly look away. His lover was not a man to share his personal demons.
Carl slowly coaxed Van Helsing into lying down on the bed and lay there on top of him. He laced his fingers through Gabriel's and watched the Hunter, silent and resigned to not knowing what was going through his mind. Van Helsing's eyes flickered to meet his; that stricken look again.
"Tell me what's wrong." The Friar pleaded softly, without thinking.
"I don't like Transylvania. Something in the air... makes me wary. I'm afraid." He said. From the look in his eyes, it was clear that his fears- whatever they were- were as sincere as his tone. Carl raised himself onto his elbows and kissed Van Helsing very tenderly, running his hands along his arms to reassure him. A little limply, Gabriel wrapped his arms around Carl's waist and kissed him back for a moment before Carl drew away. Now it was the Friar's turn to bear a look of anguish.
Somehow, in that kiss, Van Helsing's fears had jolted into his body. He saw them in his mind as clearly as a bright pennant snapping in the breeze. But somewhere in that transaction, the fears had been adapted to fit his brain. He saw, in a flash, Van Helsing lying dead...
He kissed him fiercely, not caring if he hurt Gabriel. He needed to feel that the Hunter was still there...
"Now you tell me what's wrong." Van Helsing insisted breathlessly when Carl at last pulled back.
"Please... don't go out tonight. Don't fight." Don't die... Carl begged harshly. He had a surprisingly strong grip on Van Helsing's shoulders; it was a grip that would likely leave bruises later.
"Carl, I have to." Van Helsing said gently. "I have to go out there."
"No, no you don't!" Carl cried. "You have to stay! That's what you have to do, you have to stay!"
"And why do I have to stay?"
"Because I'm here. I don't want to be left alone." Van Helsing sensed the double meaning, but couldn't quite figure out what the Carl meant other than being left alone for the night.
"I'm sorry, love, but I have too." He responded gently, prying Carl off him and standing. It was getting to late afternoon; he should start preparing, go out and ask around.
"Then take me with you."
"No!" Van Helsing shouted fearfully, whirling to meet the image of Carl's dead body. "No!"
"Why can't I come? I can help!"
"You could die!"
"And so could you!"
Silence fell. The two men stood there, staring into each other's eyes and trying to read their thoughts with no success. Their love was too fierce now; it was blinding them.
"This is why I shouldn't have fallen in love." Van Helsing whispered. "Especially us. Don't you see Carl? With the world we live in, we'll drive each other to madness with worry."
"You didn't seem to have a problem with loving Anna." Carl sulked dangerously.
"And God didn't seem to have a problem with taking her away." Van Helsing spat savagely. "He could do the same with you!"
"And the same with you!" Carl launched to his feet. "You may say things like that because I'm the weaker one, but you are FAR from unbeatable, Gabriel. Don't think that there isn't a high chance of you not coming back one day!"
"If you already know that, why are you throwing such a fit over it?" Gabriel snapped.
"BECAUSE I HAVE A FEELING THAT DAY MIGHT BE TODAY!" Carl screamed finally.
Silence didn't fall over them this time, it crashed down and took them with it. Carl's whole body was shaking, unchecked tears spilling over his face. As he had done once, Van Helsing stepped close and began to wipe them away with the back of his hand. Soon his lips fell to the task, not noticing that Carl's body remained unresponsive throughout the act. He kissed him once; his lips were hot and wet, but did not move to meld against his.
"Please stay." He whispered faintly, his eyes falling on Van Helsing but seeming to stare right through him.
"I can't." It hurts too much to be here... It hurts too much to love someone like this... Gabriel began to back away. "Not just on a feeling that I might not return."
"Do my feelings mean so little to you?" Carl asked darkly.
"You know what I meant."
"No, I don't know. I don't know! I don't understand you because you won't let me!"
"Why do you care so much about the death of something you don't even comprehend?" Van Helsing cried.
"You know what? You're an arrogant, reckless, uncaring, foolish, senseless enigma! But for once you're right. I shouldn't care whether you come back or not!" He shouted.
They kissed then. It was hard enough to bruise and draw blood. It was terribly passionate, too passionate, too consuming, too painful, too much. This was their love, barefaced, there for all to see. It was too much for either of them to contain. Gabriel jerked away from Carl, packed up his weapons, and left.
Never, perhaps, to return.
Carl felt weak. Terribly weak. He stood there, among the wreckage of a world, and could say nothing for a long while. Van Helsing had taken away everything, absolutely everything, when he had left. At long last, as night settled its veil over the world, he found that the power of speech had been left to him. He titled his gaze to the ceiling. Was God still there...?
"Well, I'm here again. I'm back at this doubting place where I'm afraid that Gabriel hates me and that we can never be together. I'm back again. Did you miss me?" His hollow whisper trailed off. "Are you happy now?" He screamed suddenly at the ceiling, not caring who heard him. He seized the nearby nightstand and flung it away from himself, reveling in the splintering sound it made when it struck the ground and the shattering of the glass vase. It was nice to know that he would not be the only thing broken by that terrible afternoon.
Carl crept forward, fascinated by the water seeping onto the floor and out of the shattered glass. He knelt there, watching it.
"Why don't I just leave? Why am I afraid to go after him, to make him see that he could be hurt...? Why am I afraid to be there to keep him from getting hurt...?"
----
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my
Childish fears
----
The water before him seemed to ripple; he could see Van Helsing's face.
"You still haven't gone away, have you?" He sighed. "I thought you left to go get yourself killed, but you're still sulking around here. I don't think you can ever leave. You're too deep inside me...
"I never thought I'd say this, but I wish that you would just go. You were right, you're destroying us both. Stop making me love you, Gabriel. Stop tormenting me..."
----
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cuz your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
----
He rocked back on his heels, arms wrapped around his folded legs. His heart was hot and sick with pain. Van Helsing was SO good at making him feel that way, like his heart was slowly crumpling in on itself and spreading gushing waves of weakness through his system. Would he ever forgive him for saying what he did? For trying to hold him back? God, how he wished he could take the words he had said back... it was all true, but every single thing he had 'accused' him of had really just been every single thing about the Hunter that he loved....
----
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
----
The water became like a pool of reflection for his mind, with images flitting across its surface all the time. He remembered when Van Helsing had first been found, bloody and defeated, on the steps of the Vatican. How everyone but he and Cardinal Jinette had thought that he was a bad omen, that he was sent by the Devil to bring down the Order and start the apocalypse. But he and Jinette had remained with him, nursing him back to health, befriending him eventually.
Long before you crept into my room to watch me sleep, I kept at bay your nightmares, Gabriel. Do you not remember? I have always been the one that stayed with you, the one who waited for you to come home. All along, I have been there, for as long as your memory extends. Or have you forgotten me too? Have you forgotten that I was the one who stopped you from destroying yourself long ago...?
----
When you cried I'd
Wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd
Fight away all of your fears
I held your hand
Through all of these years
But you still have all
Of me....
----
The images continued playing across the water like little ducks. Now Carl could see when he was just getting to know Van Helsing. He had just returned from his first mission, and was very calmly relating the whole of the adventure to the awe-struck Friar. He had been fascinated by the daring-do that was his everyday life, and how easily he talked about life or death situations. There was so much darkness, so much mystery cloaking Gabriel then, as there was now. But he was utterly captivated by that mystery because inside there was unsurpassed light, shining through.
Why did it go away?
It had not been there when Van Helsing had stormed out of the inn alone. The light was gone, and Carl was stuck there, looking for it. He wanted to do something, to scream, to laugh, to cry, but he couldn't. The whole of his life was in Gabriel's hands now. He was bound to him by something perhaps even stronger than love. If Van Helsing died out there that night, so would Carl. And he was bound not to know until it was too late.
----
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
----
"You're just everywhere, aren't you?" Carl whispered to the reflections in the water. "You're in my every waking thought, and you've wormed your way into my dreams. I've given up my soul so that I can love you and I've let you into my heart. And you know what you've done? You've driven me mad. And you do it as only you can.
"Everything I said tonight? It was because of you. The sound of your voice... it scared me, because I was afraid I'd never hear it again. And you made me say those crazy things... If you die tonight, I don't know whose fault it will be."
----
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
----
The words, those crazy words, swelled up in him, cutting open his heart anew. He almost wanted to seize one of the splinters and cut his heart out of his chest, cup it in his hands and watch all his love bleed out of it. It was too much, God it was too much... Too much and too real... he couldn't take this alone....
The only way for a wound to heal is to pull the sword out of it. But that's the hardest, most painful part. And Carl wanted to be in pain, if pain was what Van Helsing had given him. It may have been a hard, sharp piece of glass, but he'd cling to it, let it kill him. He envied all the monsters of the world then. There could be no better way to die than at Gabriel's hands...
----
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
----
Where was he now, his Hunter? Was he already dead? Had he left him for good? Where did they go from there...? How could he pick up the pieces of a life when the central part was missing...?
Their time together may have been short, but oh how it lingered with him. It felt like they had spent years together, years at each other's sides. It seemed that he had never had a nightmare without Van Helsing coming to quell it, and had never shed a tear without him kissing it away. He was so helplessly given over to that man, so utterly in love. He was so deep down in it, it pained him just to say the word.
"Love." He whispered it over and over again, like a pagan chant, trying to bring Gabriel back to him. He decided that he liked pain.
----
When you cried I'd
Wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd
Fight away all of your fears
I held you hand
Through all of these years
But you still have all
Of me...
----
He curled up on the bed; it still smelled of Gabriel. He breathed in the scent, wrapped it around himself and tried to hide in its evanescent coils. He tried to reason with himself; Gabriel was gone. Yes, he was gone. He needed to accept that. Then he needed to move on.
"Move on to what? You have taken everything from me... You hold all of me in the palm of your hand.... I'll have nothing without you."
But Gabriel was not yet gone. He could feel him in the air all around, haunting and omnipresent. He wouldn't leave. Maybe he couldn't...? Maybe, just as he 'owned' all of Carl, Carl 'owned' all of him. Maybe he couldn't move on with his life without him either...
And then he remembered the look on his face before they had argued. He had never been able to really understand that man, who would show so little of his true self. How could he own something he had never been shown? And how could he grieve for something he never had?
----
I tried so hard to tell myself
That you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
----
He tried to shake the image of Gabriel dying from his mind. With it, he was completely gone. With it, he knew that he had gone down in flaming glory, never to come back. With it, he knew he was nothing.
"What's left of me to own...?"
-----
All me...
All me....
All....
----
A/N-- I hope yall enjoyed my take on the song My Immortal. Every seems to think it's about death... but really, it reminds me of two people who love each other so terribly but they can't be together. Of course, it does work for death too. But I like this better. Please review and tell me what you thought of my take!