Disclaimer: The day I own this is the day Blu wears makeup...which will prolly never happen...
-Not A Virgin-
Orochimaru hates his life.
He's stuck on a team with two abhorrable teammates; one of which is the Shodaime's granddaughter, and the other an incurable lecher.
Tsuande's a twit, Jiraiya's too loud, and Sarutobi-sensei is dried-up and boring.
He laments the fact that Jiraiya gets all the girls, and Tsunade gets all the boys.
He curses his luck that he is fifteen, single, and still a virgin.
Yes, the Almighty Orochimaru, is still a virgin, and most everyone knows it.
Jiraiya constantly mocks him, bragging that he lost his cherry when was ten. (Yeah, right, Orochi grumbles. He didn't even like girls then!) Tsunade somehow refrains from commenting, but he can hear her mad giggles and see her accusing finger poking the air in his bubble, which really annoys him, because godammit, can't a guy have some privacy without people messing with his bubble?!
His agemates at the Acadmeny just stare and laugh more than usual, and the adults of the village placatingly tell him that he should wait until he's married and to do it with someone he really loves. Of course, he scoffs at their suggestions. Him? Love another besides himself?
Inwardly, though, he frets constantly and worries that he will NEVER lose his cherry. Orochi becomes depressed. He throws himself into his training, and vows to learn every justu known to shinobi. This, of course, turns the girls off of him even more, so he becomes more depressed and learns five new justu a day.
This is why, almost sixty years later, Orochimaru is still a virgin.
And most of his cronies know it, too. Kabuto knows, and Orochi can see the devilish laughter in those eyes, though his loyal lackey strives to keep it under wraps by wearing those utterly ridculous spectacles. The Sand Nin, what's-his-face, Baki, knows as well. Baki shows his amusement by making suggestive gestures to his back; these are what sent him on his "Am I really gay?" trip.
Finally, after many, many years and with a teensy-weensy bit of help from Kabuto, Orochi has formulated a simple yet adequate plan...
If anybody asks, he is so not a virgin.