You know when you are deeply intrigued by something and "in love" with someone? Maybe the something is the way that the person's hair radiates in the sunlight, or whether or not you can catch a glimpse of their beautiful smile. Maybe the someone is the most graceful creature to, well, grace the planet. In my case, there's this girl, who I think I'm destined to be with, but I hardly think that she sees our relationship and myself in the same light. I don't even think you can call what we have a relationship. Why? Well, there are many reasons why, and I'll certainly go into those later.
I remember the first time I saw her. Not the first time I literally saw her, but the first time I actually noticed her. It was at a get together in Hogsmeade with a couple of my friends and a couple of hers during fourth year. I'd never really spoken to her before, and was surprised when we actually had pleasant conversation. We clicked, and it was beautiful. However, at the time, I didn't notice the beauty, for I was lost in our words and her words. Everything we said worked with one another. We were so much alike, yet different enough to be interested in the other. When she excused herself from the table, mentioning something about her Transfiguration essay, I realized that I'd finally stumbled upon the one girl that I could talk to...possibly be in a relationship with. Other then my mom.
After that I didn't see her around much. Occasionally we'd say a quick hello and scurry off in opposite directions. It's not that I didn't want to be with her, it's just that we were both busy people. Taking time out of our schedules for each other, people we hardly knew, seemed irrational. Once and awhile, while I was doing my homework, I'd ask her for Charms help. I always felt a little nervous before asking, and I began to discover my true feelings for her...
Finally, we met up again at the Valentine's dance. I was so ecstatic when she came to dance with my circle of friends. She was so lovely when she danced. A couple of times we'd bump into each other, and I thought it was the end of the world. Just "accidentally" touching her would make sparks fly through my body. I was even close to getting a slow dance with her, but then some stupid jerk asked her before I could. I nearly screamed because of that. Me, the ultimate ladies man, able to get nearly any girl I want, not capable of asking a girl to dance. It's nearly pathetic.
Luckily, I was later rewarded. She and I carried out a two minute conversation discussing the unruly nature of my hair. It sounds stupid to you, but to me, it was the best two minute conversation in my life up until that point.
Things sort of went downhill from there. We started seeing each other more often. I would enthusiastically wave (without looking moronic, of course), while she would give me a mere smile. She seemed so much less interested in me than I was in her. It was a bit disappointing.
I persevered nonetheless, as I invited her to my birthday party over the summer. Well, I actually had my best mate write a letter to her, but she replied, saying 'yes,' and said that she definitely wanted to go. My hopes flew straight up. The girl of my dreams was coming to my party. Maybe she'd bake me a cake, come naked with whipped cream, or do something else really romantic for me. Romantic? I'm turning into a girl; I meant kinky...and sexy.
Nope. None of this 'cake' or 'romantic' or 'sexy/kinky' business actually went down. The girl stood me up. The girl of my bloody dreams stood me up. I don't know how many times I looked out the window, expecting to see a flash of red, or how many times I looked at the fireplace, expecting someone to floo into my arms. None of it happened, and I was disappointed further. Not so much disappointed in her, but in myself, for allowing myself to fall for a girl who was hardly even partially interested in me.
She wrote me a letter the next day, telling my how sorry she was, but somehow, just this once, it didn't give me hope. It made me rather angry and enraged instead. How can this girl not see that I'm practically falling at her feet? At this point in time, I was desperately doing anything to even get a quick conversation going. It was so difficult on me; nothing was or is fair.
So, I decided to stop trying to impress her with my acting like a loyal puppy deal. Instead, I cleverly decided to act really smart and cool and athletic around her. I began to ruffle my hair, which all the girls thought was sexy. Plus, we had that conversation earlier about my hair, so I figured it was a good was to snatch her attention, even if only for a fleeting moment. I started to carry around my snitch to show off my lightning-fast reflexes. I outwardly paid less attention in class, whispering loudly to Sirius or Remus.
Did this method work?
No.
She began to despise me, which was not at all what I wanted nor needed. I felt her completely slip out of my grasp when she claimed that I was conceited and arrogant. She was leaving me so fast...and it scared me.
Sometimes, like right now, I think of how amazing we were together when we first met, and it makes me miserable. I can't concentrate on work, or anything else for that matter, and it's not some 'oh-I'm-so-sad' phase. It's not a phase; I know that I love her now. There's no doubt in my mind, but whenever I see her smiling at everyone except me, I feel like a dejected boy who was neglected by everyone. She is everyone and everything to me...can't she see?
Somewhere along the line, I began to realize that she was the one for me, and nobody else would do...
With that said, I promised myself to make her mine during the summer before sixth year, no matter how mentally battered I become in the process. We're destined to be together...I can just feel it.