Chp. 3:

Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own Artemis Fowl...Eoin Colfer does. I do own Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Mrs. Peters. Hey Eoin, wanna trade?

"Oh Angeline, it's been too long. My, how many years have passed by? Two, three?"

"I'm afraid quiet some time. I wasn't myself those years…with my husband missing…but now that he's safe and sound and recovering in the hospital. I'm going to make up for lost time!"

Artemis followed the voices to the main room.

"Ah, there he is…my little Arty!" Angeline turned from her guest and beamed.

"Is that Artemis Junior?" Artemis stiffened. He hated being referred to as junior. It sounded…childish, lacking position. "Oh my goodness, how you have grown child!" Again Artemis gritted his teeth, but he kept his cool composure.

Quickly he walked forward and nodded curtly, trying to ignore the way Virginia's beady eyes stared at him like a frog's. It was time to show this sack of potatoes how childish the second Fowl really was. "Always a pleasure to see you again Mrs. Peter's. It's been quiet some time has it not? I hear you've remarried, how is that coming along?" Artemis flashed her his trademark vampire smile while he waited for Virginia's answer.

"Oh..um…yes, very well thank you. I…see that you've become a very smart….young man," the woman stuttered, dropping her gaze from Artemis and trying to get the image of that smile out of her head.

"Mrs. Peter's," Artemis said politely. "I've always been very smart." There was a small pause. Finally Angeline broke the tension.

"Virginia dear, where have the children gone to?" she asked, glancing over at Artemis and frowning. "I'm sure Arty can't wait to meet them." Artemis considered correcting her, but just as he opened his mouth the front door was thrown open.

"Mommy! I can't find my comb!" Artemis blinked in horror. For a second it seemed as if there were two Virginia's, but no…this was Mrs. Peter's daughter…obviously. The girl continued to screech and whine, until Virginia finally clapped a hand over her unruly daughter's mouth.

"That is quiet enough Sugar!"

"But Mommyyyyy…"

Again the front door swung open, and in strode a lanky boy with a mop of sandy colored hair and a paintjob of freckles. He wore an inside-out t-shirt, and was followed by a flushed blob. As they got closer, Artemis was able to see that the "blob" was actually another identical offspring of Virginia's. Tiny limbs and an even smaller head protruded from the massive body. The young boy took one look at the icy Artemis, and scurried behind his mother.

"Now Salt!" Virginia tried to twist around to lecture her son, but Sugar was still in the way. "Oh my goodness…!" The three pudges stumbled back, and Mrs. Peters came very close to tripping over an upturned corner of the giant Persian rug. Artemis was not amused. He watched as Angeline gasped and grabbed Virginia's hand before she could fall over backwards…and if Virginia fell over backwards then there was no getting her back up. Finally everything settled, and Mrs. Peter's took a few moments to catch her breath.

Still standing by the front door, the lanky boy gave an exaggerated sigh. "I'm bored!" he announced.

Mrs. Peters straightened and glared. "Pepper, why didn't you come help your mother, I almost fell!"

The side of Artemis's mouth quirked. Virginia named all three of her children a flavoring for food. Perfect really, considering how obvious it was that Virginia's favorite time of the day must be mealtime.

"Um," Angeline brushed her hair back behind her ears nervously. "We best be heading off soon, don't you think Virginia? Perhaps you should tell Arty all he needs to know…"

"Yes, of course." Virginia straightened and patted her curly mass of sandy hair. "Well…um…Artemis, this is Salt, Sugar, and Pepper. Say hello children." The three children stared at the

expressionless Artemis. Virginia wrung her hands nervously. "Let's see, there's really not much. Oh yes, Sugar does not like to get dirty…"

"Cause I'm beautiful!" Sugar tried to put on an angelic face, but it looked to be more on the demonic side. "Mommy says I'm gonna' be a star!"

Artemis's eyebrows notched up an inch. "Oh yes, you'll be a star…in the circus."

"Really?" gasped Sugar excitedly. Artemis rolled his eyes to the ceiling and prayed for patience, not that he believed in a higher being. Perhaps a fairy would come instead, and grant a poor Mud Boy a wish. Artemis almost chuckled, but Mrs. Peters opened her monstrous mouth again.

"Salt here…he gets scared very easily. Don't leave him alone, don't turn off the lights, don't make scary faces, don't tell scary stories, don't let him see any scary movies, keep him away from anything with scary pictures… even if it doesn't scare you." Artemis took a closer look at the boy sucking his thumb and staring with wide eyes. Mentally Artemis smiled. He was going to have fun with this one.

"And last but not least, Pepper. He gets bored very easily, so keep a constant eye on him. He'll get into all sorts of things if you don't." Mrs. Peters finished and looked at Angeline for direction.

Mrs. Fowl cleared her throat, and led Virginia to the door. She looked back over her shoulder at Artemis. "Love you darling, and do…be nice." She sent him the look only mother's can make, and then she walked out the door.

Slowly, Artemis clenched his hands into fists and turned to the poor children.