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Chp. 4:

Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own Artemis Fowl...Eoin Colfer does. I do own Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Mrs. Peters. Hey Eoin, wanna trade?

"I have a 62 in. plasma screen down the hall into the room on your right," Artemis brushed past the children and began walking out of the room. "I'm sure you'll find something playing which will catch your points of interest. Now then, I have work to do so please don't bother me." Artemis almost made it out the room.

"I don't wanna watch anything. That's boring!" Pepper protested and stomped his foot.

Artemis turned around slowly. "Then what are you going to do?"

Pepper shrugged. Sugar, on the other hand, beamed. "Let's play house!"

"No." Artemis brushed invisible dust from his shoulders. "I will not play…house."

Sugar crossed her arms and pouted. She resembled a snorting pig. "I wanna' play house!" she screeched.

Artemis continued brushing, but looked up. "I wonder how long it will take for you to rupture a nerve. A spoiled child like you, constantly screaming, has an average of seven years before you seriously damage either your lungs, vocals, or nerves."

Pepper cocked his head. "Why do you use such big words?"

Artemis was about to snap something in answer, but a slight pull on his Armani made him jerk back. Beside him stood the frightened Salt. "I'm hungry," he whimpered softly, and stared up at Artemis with pools of soft brown.

Artemis snorted. "Of course you're hungry. I'm sure you don't have any metabolism judging by your…appearance." Salt continued staring at him. "Oh all right!" Artemis finally relented. "Come with me."

He managed to lead the kids down the hall and into the sleek silver kitchen, where Butler was getting a drink.

"Hello," he growled softly at the children, and watched as Artemis walked to the fridge and jerked it open.

"Pay attention," the young Fowl ordered. "You can have either caviar, augratin potatoes…"

"Do you have PB&J?" Salt interrupted.

Artemis's eyebrow inched up a notch. "There is no such word as…"

"Ya huh! Peanut, butter and jelly sandwich dumb dumb!" Pepper shouted.

Artemis's eye twitched. "Dumb dumb? You're calling me dumb?"

Pepper shrugged. "Yeah I guess, unless you're smart…"

"I am very smart," Artemis said quickly, "much smarter than you."

"Are you really smart?" Pepper asked in awe.

"Yes." Artemis turned back to the fridge.

"Really, really smart?"

"Yes."

"Really, really, really smart?"

"Yes!"

"Really, really, really, really…."

Artemis whirled back around, and Butler took a step forward. A large, seemingly unhappy vein was popping out from Artemis's forehead. As Butler considered whether this was what Mrs. Fowl meant as a life or death situation, Artemis pointed out of the kitchen.

"Get out now! If you continue to be uncooperative I have many means of punishing you. Many."

Salt's eyes got watery. "But I'm hungry, and I don't want to go out there! The hallway is scary!"

"Artemis," Sugar whined. "Artemis my hair feels like it's coming loose from the curls. Is it Artemis, is it, huh, is it?"

Artemis closed his eyes and began to rub his temple. Butler quickly moved by his employee's side.

"Perhaps Artemis," he said leaning down, "they would like to watch the plasma?"

"Already tried that," Artemis looked up, "and I thought you weren't supposed to help me unless I'm in a life or death situation."

Butler straightened. "Not you Artemis, but I think the kids will soon be."

"Artemis!" Sugar continued to holler.

"I'm bored!" Pepper began to chant.

"I'm hungry…I want mama!" Salt whimpered.

"I need to meditate," Artemis groaned. Butler stepped back. His young charge had taken on everything from fairies to Russian kidnappers, yet he couldn't control three small children. It would be hilarious if Artemis didn't look agitated enough to think up something devious.

Finally Artemis took his usual stance, cold, calm, and as always, in control. "Enough!" his voice raised slightly. Immediately the children stopped fussing. Artemis smiled viciously. "Good. Now then, since you three seem to be screaming brutes, I want you to go into a room and stay there. Find a way to keep yourselves amused until our mothers return. If you choice to ignore my instructions…" Artemis paused, then narrowed his eyes, "If you choose to ignore my instructions than I shall send Mulch after you."

Butler stiffened, while the children glanced at one another.

"Who's Mulch?" Sugar asked, pretending to fluff her hair.

Artemis glanced at Butler. "Mulch is an…acquaintance of mine. He is small, but not harmless. He has hair like titanium wire…"

"What's that?" Pepper asked loudly, cocking his head.

Artemis sighed. "He has hair like sharp needles poking from his chin, and a gigantic jaw which he can unhinge and use to eat…."

"Stop!" Salt wailed. "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" Salt covered his eyes with his hands and trembled uncontrollably.

Artemis's mouth quirked. "Are you scared?"

Salt dropped his hands, looked up, and stared for a moment at the vampiric Artemis. "N…no," he finally stuttered. "I'm not scared."

Artemis finally allowed himself to grin. "Liar. Your skin is flushed, your pupils are dilated, your nostrils have flared, and…" Artemis pointed at Salt's hands. "You're twiddling your thumbs."

Salt quickly hid his hands behind his back and stuck out his lower lip. "I don't like you," he whispered angrily.

Artemis only smiled.

Pepper and Sugar glanced at one another than looked at Artemis. "Finish telling us!" Sugar demanded. Artemis looked back at them while Butler suppressed a groan.

"Finish telling you about what?"

Pepper stomped his foot. "You know…Mulch!"

"Yeah," Sugar nodded her head vigorously, no longer worried about her curls. "Keep telling about Mulch…"