Chp. 5

Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own Artemis Fowl...Eoin Colfer does. I do own Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Mrs. Peters. Hey Eoin, wanna trade?

"So let me get this straight," Pepper wrinkled his nose and scratched at his head. "Mulch is a dwarf that's dumb and smart at the same time, but he'll eat us if we're bad. There are fairies living underneath us, and they're cannobiz…"

"Cannibalistic," Artemis corrected, actually amused. "And there's a horse who collects brains and eats them to become smarter, along with a moody fairy who sucks blood…which is why his face is always red." Pepper looked up at Artemis with a frown. Next to him Sugar and Salt stared with wide eyes.

"And…and if we don't listen to you Artemis, you'll call them after us?" Sugar whispered horrified. Before Artemis could nod, Salt shot up from his kitchen stool and grabbed Artemis by the waist.

"Don't do it Artemis! I'll be good, I'll be good! Don't let them get me! I'm a good boy, I won't eat no more sweets before bedtime, and I'll run everyday, and I'll go to the bathroom by myself, and I won't pick my nose in public, and…"

"Let go of me!" Artemis snarled and jerked away. He quickly composed himself again and sighed. "I won't send them after you so long as you do everything I say, understood?"

The three children quickly nodded their heads in unison, and beside Artemis Butler was struggling to keep a straight face.

"Good," Artemis motioned to the refrigerator. "Still hungry?" he asked, but Salt shook his head frantically.

"Nope. Not hungry. Not even a little bit. Not even a tinny-weenie bit. I'm not scared either. I'm brave, so you don't have to call the…."

"Pepper!" Sugar hollered. "Come back!"

Artemis and Butler turned to see Pepper run out of the kitchen. His voice echoed back to them, "I'm bored!"

The vein on Artemis's forehead returned. "I'm calling Mulch after you!" he threatened as he strode out of the kitchen. The others followed him up the stairs and to the large office filled with humming computers. Swiveling on one of the chairs was the grinning Pepper.

"Mulch is gonna' have to catch me first! Besides, I'm bored. That was just a story you told to scare us, right Artemis?"

Butler watched as his young employee opened his mouth, and then shut it. "Yes," Artemis gritted his teeth. "It was just a story. There's no such thing as cannibalistic or moody fairies, brain-consuming horses, or…Mulch."

Sugar crossed her arms. "Just for that you have to brush my hair one hundred strokes Artemis. All that story-telling ruined my hair!" She threw her head and stuck out her triple chin.

"I'm telling mama on you! I'm telling you scared me! I'm telling you didn't feed me! I don't like you!" Salt whimpered, eyes becoming watery.

Pepper was still swiveling on the chair, all the while banging on the computer keyboard. "Why isn't your dingy computer turning on?"

Artemis paused from massaging his temple and looked over. "It's secured with a code you will never be able to break. Please stop banging on my keyboard, or I shall have to inform your mother that you were trying to destroy Fowl property…"

Ding-ling! The computer gently whirred to life and Pepper snickered. "Secured code huh?"

Artemis frowned heavily. "How did you do that?"

Pepper shrugged. "I dunno…I just was banging on the computer. You got any games on here…ohhhh! You've got mail!" Artemis frowned and walked over to Pepper. The computer was secured, it wasn't supposed to be able to receive mail. He watched as a slow scroll of letters began to file down the screen:

Olleh simetrA eht dnoces,

T'nod rehtob gnicart siht liam-e, ll'uoy ylno etsaw emit. Kcit-kcot, kcit-kcot. Eht kcolc si gnikcit gnuoy retsam lwoF. I evah gnihtemos uoy mees ot dloh ni hgih drager. Dlog? Ha, sey dlog. Lufituaeb, gnirettilg dlog yb eht dnoup. S'ti sruoy rof a llams ecirp rM. lwoF, tsuj a llams eno. Teem em ta s'atigroeG rewolF etuis…erehw eht srewolf era hserf! Ereht I llahs laever ym ytitnedi dna eht dlog…fi uoy tpecca ym egnellahc.

Atat,

Mentally, Artemis flipped the letters:

Hello Artemis the second,

Don't bother tracing this e-mail, you'll only waste time. Tick-tock, tick-tock. The clock is ticking young Master Fowl. I have something you seem to hold in high regard. Gold? Ah, yes gold. Beautiful, glittering gold by the pound. It's yours for a small price Mr. Fowl, just a small one. Meet me at Georgita's Flower Suite…where the flowers are fresh! There I shall reveal my identity and the gold…if you accept my challenge.

Slowly Artemis straightened. "Butler, ready the limo."

Butler looked up, startled. "But Artemis…you don't have any idea who this person is! Remember, curiosity killed the cat!"

Artemis narrowed his eyes. "But imperturbable knowledge brought him back. Yes Butler, I do have an idea. By this person's writing style I can see they have an odd and most likely dangerous sense of humor. Now, if you will please ready the limo then I will inform Juliet where we're going. I simply want to see who this…anonymous writer is. We shall take the children; they can wait in the back of the limo."

"A limo!" Sugar squealed excitedly, "I love limos! When I'm famous I'm gonna have ten!"

Pepper jumped up from the chair. "Do you have a TV in the limo? I've always wanted to watch TV in a car…that's not boring!"

"Do you have an icebox in your limo?" Salt asked rubbing his stomach. Artemis resumed rubbing his temple as he walked out of the room, leaving Butler alone as the three children jumped up and down around him.