A/N: Well here's chapter 7 finally! My new job knocked the stuffing out of me the past few weeks, and I have been too tired to write. So I have written extra to make up for it. Thank you for being so patient. And thanks to everyone who reviewed. You're brilliant!

On with the madness ;-)

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Just as Lupin's finger was hovering over the hoover button he heard the sound of someone shuffling through from the kitchen.

Moony - Moooo-ny! Mooney!

The voice sounded quite upset. Lupin sighed and straightened up. 'I'm in here, Peter.'

'Oh, Moony. Thank you - thank you Merlin!' The stumpy man swayed into view and slouched tipsily against the doorjamb clutching a bottle of butterbeer. 'I have a weensy little problem.'

'Only a weensy little one this time?' Lupin remarked dryly, looking up to scrutinise his fellow Marauder. Upon identifying the problem he groaned.

'Oh dear. Was it truth or dare again?'

'Yes,' sniffed Wormtail awkwardly.

Lupin noted the reason Wormtail was sniffing awkwardly was of course the same reason he was asking for help. 'Looks like someone got you back with your favourite dare,' he smiled.

Wormtail flushed. 'Well, it was really tricky, see,' he mumbled. 'I couldn't do the truth cus I didn't get the question Spencer asked me cus of these really hard words, you know? And then Spencer took the hat off me and then all the others started laughing at me, and I didn't want to sound like I didn't know what he was on about. And you weren't there to stop Padfoot being mean to me. Then Spencer got the bowl of crisps, and said 'let's see how you like it-'

Wormtail let out a good, long wet snivel before taking a consoling swig of butterbeer.

'Oh.' Lupin frowned, trying his best to concentrate on what his friend was slurring, (which was a bit difficult when what sounded like the canine equivalent of break-dancing was going on in the conservatory behind him.) 'Can you remember what question he asked you?'

'Erhm,' Wormtail's little eyes screwed up tightly. 'I think it was something like, something like, uh - Have you ever participated in intumut oral relations with masculine category - or something like that? I'm not stupid, am I Moony, am I? You know what I mean? Don't you?' he whined.

Lupin just about succeeded in replacing his growing smirk with a smile of false compassion. He waved a hand dismissively. 'Oh, don't worry about it, Peter. I'm sure no one thinks you are stupid. And you know a Ravenclaw's favourite book is a dictionary.'

Wormtail wiped his eyes on his sleeve, before smiling back at his friend in relief. 'Oh, good. Thanks Moony.'

'It's fine,' reassured Lupin. 'Just ignore him. You know that people tend to say things they shouldn't when they've had a few.'

Wormtail's brow began to crease up again. 'Uh, Moony so if what he said, he shouldn't have said - do you know what he said then. If he shouldn't have said it? You know?'

'Erhhmm-' Lupin scratched his chin, and pretended to think for a while. Ten seconds of chin scratching was more than enough to fool a gullible friend.

'What's oral relations mean?'

Lupin felt his cheeks heat slightly. 'No. I'm very sorry, Peter, but I really don't know. But, I'm sure it isn't too interesting,' he coughed awkwardly and looked around the room. Was it just him or had everything gone eerily quiet outside?

Doobie let out an excited howl.

Lupin set his teeth. 'I spoke too soon - spoke too - er-' he stopped short when he found Wormtail squinting at him oddly. 'Er, I mean - right! Peter - let's take a look at that cheesy nibble, shall we?'

But it was too late. Wormtail's beady eyes were now peering curiously around the door.

'Where's Doobie? Is she okay?'

'You know she doesn't like the vacuum cleaner. So I put her in the conservatory until the mess was cleared up.' replied Lupin loudly, trying to drown out another eerie moaning sound.

Wormtail's face scrunched up, as he made the huge effort to think. 'Uh, okayy. But-'

'Peter, pay attention, please.' Lupin tapped him gently on the nose with his wand. 'Now, head up, let me get my eye in. Now this might hurt a tad. Accio cheesy nibble!'

Wormtail yelped as the cheeseball shot out the end of his nose with a pop, making his eyes water even more than usual. 'Ooh. Thank you!' he gulped.

'Pleased to help.' As Wormtail rubbed his nose, Lupin could see that his eyes were wandering again.

'But Moony, I still think the poor doggie didn't sound well,' he ventured. 'Shall I get Lily?'

Lupin swiftly crossed over to the patio doors and put his head around the curtains.

What he saw behind them made his eyes water.

'Oh - No, no,' he replied brightly, turning to flash a smile at his friend. 'DOOBIE looks fine, just fine, Peter. Really. The dog is just - fine. But I would be really grateful if you went and got some Firewhiskey.'

Pettigrew's little eyes grew wide. 'For Doobie?'

'No - for me if you don't mind,' said Lupin firmly. 'Yes, for me. I think I could do with some. Yes-' he faltered as he could hear the door key rattling in the lock behind him.

'But I thought you only liked wine? That whiskey's stron-'

'NOW - Peter if you please, not next week!' cut in Lupin sharply.

'Sorry!' Wormtail gulped. He turned around and hurried out just as the French doors flew open.

There was a swoosh as the curtains were flung aside, and a fast moving black object exploded out from behind them. Lupin just managed to slam the dining room door in time to prevent Doobie escaping into the hallway again.

The huge dog halted in her tracks, her tongue lolling out her panting mouth at a lazy angle, a thin line of drool swinging from her chops. She cocked her head and pricked up her ears. Now - there was the nice doggy smelling man smiling at her. And back there was the nice man who had given her a doggie chew. And - what was this delicious cheesy smell? Ah, food! She was allowed all food humans dropped on the floor! All these treats just for her? Good girl! Good girl!

Crunch - CRUNCH - crunch.

All that could be seen of the Dobermann now was a furiously wagging tail poking out from underneath the dining table. It looked as if neither the vacuum nor the cleaning spell would get a look in now.

Crunch - crunch.

A very pale Snape emerged slowly from behind the curtains. 'Lupin-' he wheezed. He bent over, and leant against the wall clutching his stomach with one hand. He was either badly winded, or very out of breath.

Crunch, crunch. Gasp Crunch. Gasp.

His robes covered in slobber, Snape was easily the most-vile thing (bar the "Party Rings") in the room now - if he wasn't before.

Crunch - gasp - crunch - wheeze.

Lupin shook his head. No - he wasn't dreaming. And that made the scene all the more disturbing. If the light were to be switched off now, well, the bizarre images, which might spring up from the medley of noises could be left to the imagination.

The dining room door creaked open. An eager voice began to rush. 'Oh, Moony I have the whiskey but Lily took the blackcurrant juice away so don't tell me off please I brought some of this other stuff though but I - er-'

Wormtail trailed off as a very bedraggled, slimy, wheezing Slytherin staggered forward and snatched the bottle out of his hands.

'Eep!'

'Not obliged, Gryffindors-' was the sneered whisper of a reply.

Lupin and Wormtail exchanged nervous glances as Snape lifted his trembling hand and began to knock back neat whiskey as if it were pumpkin juice. Coughing and spluttering in between gulps.

And then not to forget the attractive sound of a large hungry dog eating small crunchy snacks.

Crunch, snap-crunch. Gulp, gulp, gasp, cough, cough, woof, hack, hack, splutter - cough!

'Er, Snape,' began Lupin nervously, beginning to develop a nervous twitch to rival Wormtail's. 'Are you aware that that stuff has quite a - a - erm- high-'

'Fourty nine point - two percent! I - k-know - imbecile!' was all Snape managed to get out between coughs. He grimaced. 'B-but tastes - b-better - than - DOG!'

Wormtail swallowed, and looked wide eyed at Lupin. 'Err- what's he been doing with-' He backed off as Snape shot him a murderous glance. 'Never mind!' he squeaked.

Snape bared a set of rather mangy teeth. 'Go away - nasty little rat!'

'I - I' Wormtail's eyes goggled. 'Okay! I'm going, I'm going!'

Lupin shot an alarmed glance at Snape once his friend had gone. 'How did you know?' he exclaimed.

Snape sneered as he raised the bottle to take another hefty swig. 'Know what?

'That Wormtail's a rat?!'

Snape paused and peered strangely at Lupin. A slight smirk began to creep across his face. 'Lupin, that is very Slytherin of you to speak ill of a friend behind their back,' he whispered. 'I think you may have gone up in my estimation!'

Lupin felt a wave of relief wash over him. Snape still didn't know his friends were illegal Animagi - he was merely being insulting!

And then he realised he was actually smiling at Snape.

Snape's smirk was quickly replaced by a sneer of disgust. 'I was only joking, Lupin. You haven't a hope in hell of me liking you.'

Lupin shrugged. 'Sorry.'

The loud sniffing and chomping stopped just then as Doobie ran out of snacks to hoover off the floor. She reversed out from under the table, lifted her head and sniffed Lupin's leg. Much to Snape's horror, the dog then turned round and fixed an expectant gaze on him.

'Wuff!'

Snape licked his lips nervously as he watched the furiously wagging tail. 'Keep that bitch - away from me.'

Lupin raised an amused eyebrow. 'Well, she likes you - a lot, I think. She's very choosy whom she likes. She's always been wary of Sirius, you know.'

'Correction,' was the pained reply. 'She liked my wand - a lot.'

Lupin blinked. 'Your-'

'Yes - stupid bleached mongrel, my wand! Thought dogs are supposed to have good hearing!?' he growled, trying to straighten his robes. 'Blasted Potter owes me (cough - then something indecipherable) wand!'

Lupin frowned. What would happen if a wand was ingested? Had such a thing happened before? Bearing in mind that it was James's dog, of all dogs, who had Severus Snape's wand jammed in its intestines?

'We-ell,' he mused, watching the glowering, freshly-licked wizard's face. 'I suppose you could always wait a few hours until the inevitable happens-'

Severus had too little breath for his voice to reach any volume. The result was more a strangled hiss. 'INEVIT (gasp)YOU ARE NOT (gasp) FUNNY (gasp) LUPIN!'

Snape's outburst didn't last long, however, as Doobie leapt toward in a sudden display of misguided affection. (The nice man who gave her a doggie chew was getting upset again. She couldn't have that. Oh, no. She will kiss him to make it better!)

'Agh!' Lupin couldn't help smiling as Snape once again staggered under the weight of hound.

The dining room door creaked slowly open.

'Hey, is there any food left for me? Groovy party by the way!'

Lupin turned to stare at the stranger in the doorway. He was a young, tall but stockily built bleach blonde, with a ruddy face. From what Lupin could make out, the man was dressed in some sort of Muggle uniform.

Lupin made a gesture toward the table. 'Plenty still there, help yourself!'

The man began to cross the room, but stopped abruptly and turned back toward Lupin. 'Oh, so sorry! Allow me to introduce myself. My name's Nigel Norway, and I do Godric's Hollow's milk round.

His dark eyes twinkled mischievously as he looked across at a glaring Snape, who currently had a dog hanging off his shoulder. 'And you are?'

'None of your damn business Muggle!' spat Snape, who was still flicking crisps onto the floor in an attempt to distract the Doobie away from him.

Nigel sighed. 'Squib, actually. A real tragedy. Five wizarding brothers and sisters, and then me.'

Snape sneered. 'How unfortunate.'

'Yes,' said Nigel vaguely. 'Four Hogwart's letters and one Durmstrang. But by the time I turned eleven, I hadn't even managed to accidentally transfigure a cat!'

Snape's lips curled still further. 'I repeat. How unfortunate.'

Lupin decided to chip in here. He offered a hand, which Norway shook firmly. 'Hello. I'm Remus Lupin. It's nice to meet you Nigel.'

Nigel's mouth spread into a white toothed grin. 'And you.' He then turned his attention to the dog, completely ignoring the other man. 'How are ye Doobs? Wassit? Dja want a biscuit?'

Doobie's ears pricked up. She gazed at the milkman and wagged her tail slightly, but did not move.

'Aw Doobs! C'mon girl!' the man coaxed.

Snape watched the dog. It seemed torn between picking up the crisps on the floor, and greeting the man. Finally, she decided that Snape's crisps were more interesting.

Nigel's expression fell. 'Aw! Whassa matter?'

'I think the mutt knows a proper wizard when it sees one,' said Snape smugly, before turning around and regarding the party food once more. Was it just him, or did Firewhiskey have the tendency to make you feel very hungry?

Nigel's eyes narrowed slightly as he turned them on the disagreeable Slytherin, but his smile refused to wane. 'She does like me. But you know what dogs are like. Stomach comes first every time.'

Snape wasn't really listening. Inane party chit-chat was the last thing he was interested in. Now - would he have that ice cream he left in the conservatory? Or would he try something different for once? Cake perhaps? Even those pink biscuits looked - dare he say - attractive?

Lupin frowned. Nigel Norway? The name sounded really familiar - but he couldn't place it. 'Have we met?' he enquired politely.

'Oh, no!' Nigel chuckled as he began to load party food onto a plate. 'Do I have one of those faces? Well, I did have a bar job in Hogsmeade a few years ago. Maybe I served you there once?' He snickered. 'Underage? The Gryffindor's love of taking risks, perhaps?''

'Can't have,' replied Lupin thoughtfully. 'Or I would remember you.'

Nigel dug the end of a stick of celery into a bowl of chunky peanut butter and then bit it off. 'Wow. Got a memory for faces, have you?'

Lupin's expression remained calm. 'Yes. Sort of.'

Nigel shrugged. 'Impressive. Never mind. But you know pubs are all a bit of a haze after a few drinks.'

Lupin nodded in agreement. Well, he would agree - but he didn't exactly want to admit that he had never got drunk in a pub before - he had always been the sober one of the Marauders.

Just as Snape re-emerged from the conservatory with a still intact bowl of ice cream, Lily reappeared in the dining room doorway.

'Nigel!' she cooed, tottering forward. Darling! Ooh, I'm so glad you could get a few hours off! How are you sweetie? Help yourself to the food. Plenty there!'

Snape winced as the shrill voice rang out once again, pulled a face as Lily did the 'kissy-kissy' greeting thing, then glared at the man as he proceeded to suck up to the lady.

'Never mind me,' fawned Nigel, showing his white teeth again. 'How is the Emerald-eyed Goddess this evening?'

Snape sneered. Emerald-eyed Goddess? If she wanted poetry, he could do better than that!

If he wanted to, that was.

Which, of course, he didn't.

Snape caught himself. Was he jealous? What of? A milkman squib? He glanced at the nearly empty bottle of whiskey. It had been half full when he had it.

Merlin, he would regret this in the morning!

He smirked and as he took another hefty swig he thought of his phial of Pepper up Potion.

No he wouldn't.

'Well, sweetie, I'm just fine,' cooed Lily. 'We had a bit of a disaster earlier, so you'll have to excuse the vacuum cleaner.'

Nigel tutted. 'Ooh, the carpet. Poor you!'

Lupin saw Snape's eyes slide across to him. He cleared his throat. 'Yes, er, Severus here did as you asked. Vacuumed the room - top to bottom.'

'Oh, good. But such a pity you didn't put the vacuum away, Snape,' she replied coldly. 'That would be the least I'd expect.'

Snape blinked.

'Well. You have to know what a lady wants, Snape,' added Nigel coolly. 'And doing the housework for her means doing it properly. Every one should respect that.'

Lupin and Snape exchanged odd glances that both seemed to relay the same thought.

Who was this dipshit?

Lily put her hands on her hips and glared. 'Well Snape?'

Snape felt his cheeks heat up. How dare she gang up on him with a total stranger? Very reluctantly he crossed the room and began to wind up the vacuum cord.

Nigel smirked. 'And Snape old boy, after you've done that a Tequila Sunrise would be nice. Oh, while you're at it. another wine for Lily here.'

Snape snarled. Old boy?! Clutching the bowl of ice cream to his chest, he dragged the vacuum cleaner petulantly from the room in a swirl of black robes and bad temper.

Lily giggled behind her hand. 'Oh, you're so rude!'

Nigel's lip curled. 'Not at all! He deserves every bit of it. The greasy slimeball.'

Lupin frowned.

'Anyhow. I have a surprise for you petal,' the milkman grinned. You'd better transfigure something into a pair of sunglasses. You're going to need them for this!'

Lily watched curiously as Nigel began to undo his white uniform jacket. Once the buttons were undone he paused for a second before whipping it off.

Lily screeched with laughter. 'Oh my poor eyes! What ARE you like?!'

Merlin! Lupin found himself squinting at a sudden shocking display of florescent colours. Nigel's bright pink and silver kipper tie and green shirt were the least of his worries - it was the flowery orange jacket that scared him the most.

'Muggle fashion is the grooviest thing, isn't it?' chuckled Nigel. 'This is all the rage in the discos.'

Lily giggled. 'Isn't it? My Muggle cousin would adore your jacket! Where did you get it?'

'The same place I got those gold platforms. Oh, I must be seven foot tall with those things on!'

Lily squawked. 'Oh, I don't know how you can manage to walk in those things!'

Lupin sighed quietly to himself. He didn't understand or care for fashion much. Glitz? Glam? What was wrong with a simple robe? And Nigel Norway sounded so familiar too!

Maybe it was time to move rooms again.

And as he had fulfilled his half of the deal between Snape, Snape owed him some information, didn't he?

Lupin excused himself by picking up a random empty glass and pretending he needed another drink. Reaching the hallway he found himself rather lost for direction again.

Fashion in one room, giggly girls in another, Quidditch in another, and spin the bottle in the kitchen.

Snape it would have to be, again. But the way the man had been drinking, maybe he would let something slip accidentally.

So what if the man was a miserable sod? One bitter tongue wouldn't stop him from finding out more about the Gryffindor - Slytherin dirty dorm room secret.

Or secrets.

Lupin peeked around the kitchen door into a room thick with cigarette smoke. Nigel had asked for a Tequila Sunrise, but he could see no sign of Snape near the cocktail shakers. Or anywhere in the kitchen, to be exact.

Lupin doubled back. Well, Snape didn't like Quidditch, so he wouldn't be in the study. And he would hardly dare venture into the living room.

Where would a drunken, angry slobbered-on Slytherin with a penchant for dark hexes and weird ice cream go in a party full of his enemies?

Surely he hadn't gone upstairs?

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A/N: Chapter 8. Will Nutty and Lily's secret finally be revealed? And exactly how much whiskey and ice cream can Snape consume without throwing up?