Huge thanks as always to Marlou for beta-ing and to Battus, Suzy, niff and Laura Katharine for their encouragement. Thank you to everyone who has sent in a review, you guys are the best.
It was a little over seven hours later when Sara finally opened her eyes again. Her breath was rasping against her chest as she tried to escape the nightmarish images that tore at her mind.
In her own pitch-black darkness, the abuse she had suffered from the hands of Vincent Lurie still held her captive.
Her eyes saw not a hospital room but a prison, and Grissom's hand in hers a restraint. Gasping for breath she tried to pull her hand away but she didn't seem to have any strength left within her. Then suddenly everything changed with the sound of one voice, a soothing echo that her mind had clung on onto in a bid to free her.
Grissom stood up beside the bed, his attempts to calm her seeming to have a slow effect. Lifting a hand to her hair, he stroked her silken strands, all the while whispering for her to come back to him. That she was safe.
Sara blinked hard, scrunching her eyes tightly closed, afraid of the lies her eyes would make her see. She had been fooled before when her treacherous emotions had sent her into a false security and she'd only awakened to be still incarcerated in her prison.
"Sara, it's okay." Grissom soothed, all the while smoothing his hand over her hair. "Honey, open your eyes."
"No…" her voice slurred as she struggled to free herself from this nightmare as well as the weakness that still held her as its unwilling victim, but the more Grissom tried to reassure her, the more violently she shook her head in denial. Scrunching her eyes closed she tried to retreat as far into herself as possible, but even as tears spilt out from under her lids to cascade down the side of her face, she knew she had already lost the battle.
"Sara, please," he whispered, his own voice breaking into a sob when she refused to believe him.
"No…you're not Grissom…"
"Honey, I swear to you it's me, Grissom…" Taking a deep breath he squeezed her hand again, trying to offer her his reassurance.
"No…" she whispered brokenly, her voice whimpering against her words. "Grissom hates me…"
For a moment he sucked in a breath and gasped as a painful strike was delivered right to his heart. How could she ever think…But then the past year flashed into his mind, one picture of rejection following another like some kind of sick slide show. Swallowing the lump in his throat he squeezed her hand tighter before he could trust his own voice. "I don't hate you, Sara. I have never hated you and I'm so sorry that you thought I did."
Something in his voice seemed to calm her and she stopped shaking her head from side to side and slowly opened her eyes. For a few seconds she blinked away the stinging in her eyes and tried to focus on her surroundings. She could feel her heart racing as she slowly scanned the room, her eyes focussing on the IV in her hand. She followed the tubing all the way up to the bag of replacement blood that was seeping into her veins, replenishing that which she had lost. Shaking her head of the images that invaded her mind, she started to panic again until her gaze finally landed on Grissom who was hovering beside her.
"I'm real," he whispered softly as he slid a hand down her arm to link his fingers through hers.
Sara could see the welling tears in his eyes and for a moment she just watched him, mesmerized. She could count on one hand the amount of times when she had seen Grissom close to losing his emotions, and for another heart stopping moment she thought this was just another dream.
Then the events of the most recent events suddenly crashed through her mind and she remembered everything with perfect clarity from Nick's promotion, to her abduction. Lifting her free hand shakily to her eyes, she twisted her wrist and gasped at the sting that accompanied the movement.
The bandages surrounding her wounds had seeped with drops of blood that had dried to leave a tell tale sign of injuries on the gauze. Sara stared at the bandages warily, remembering the moments when she punched blindly at the glass window, ignoring the blood that seeped through her fingers. She remembered in that moment what it had felt like to be released from the burdens she carried when she felt her life slowly slipping from her grasp, and that the thought of dying, away from the people she loved had filled her with more fear than she had ever felt before.
Thoughts of what could have happened brought a terrifying grip to her heart and she squeezed her eyes shut again. Grissom shifted nervously beside her and she thought about pulling her hand from his and rolling onto her side, away from him, but she wanted to feel him for as long as she could. She'd begged for a release from Lurie's clutches, making promises to whoever was listening that she would set Grissom free, knowing that if she survived, the price she had to pay would break her in the end. Grissom deserved to be released from her restraints, and she loved him enough to let him go.
"You're safe," he reassured her, his voice breaking through the aching in her heart, bringing her back to him only to remind her once again why she loved him so much.
Grissom watched her eyes close and felt his heart clench inside his chest. She needed him to be strong for her now, no matter how much his feelings for her terrified him. His eyes travelled down to their linked hands in wonder, and he knew that he would never forget how she had felt against him, or how his heart had beat inside his chest when he'd seen her bloodied body. "Sara…talk to me."
She heard his voice catch in his throat but kept her eyes closed so she wouldn't have to see the pain in his, pain that she had caused him. Tears leaked out from her closed lids to trickle down her cheeks and into her hair, but she couldn't face him, not yet.
"I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like for you," Grissom whispered as he lifted a finger to her face, stopping the track of the salty droplet. "I wish I could take it all away for you, we all do. You're a part of us Sara, even if you think you aren't."
Us as in the team…Sara's mind swam with images of past and present, everything churning into the knowledge that in those few words he'd spoken to her, he'd given her so much only to take it all away again. "I'm…sorry," she whispered, her voice catching in her throat.
"Sara, it's not your fault."
"It's all my fault." Her voice broke and she slowly opened her eyes again to focus on his face, memorizing every line. By the time she reached his eyes it suddenly dawned on her that he was really beside her, that he wasn't just a conjured up image that her mind had created. He was real, touching her willingly, and slowly she felt her courage draining away. Everything in his eyes told her that he wanted her to tell him that everything was okay now, but instead of telling him the truth she backed away from it, hiding behind her false charade. "I'm really tired."
Grissom watched her slipping away from him but he didn't know what to do. Reaching a hand to her hair, he stroked the strands between his fingers for a few seconds and then pulled them away. There were so many things that he needed to say to her, many of them things that she had needed to hear from him for a long time, but he didn't know if he had the courage to voice them, even now, even after everything that had happened to her. Still he was fighting.
Taking a deep breath, he opened his mouth to say something but then changed his mind just as quickly. Voicing his feelings had never been his strong suit, and now that he needed to tell her, his voice had failed him.
A noise in the doorway alerted him to another's presence and he looked up to see Nick hovering in the doorway.
Nick's arrival came as a welcome distraction and he could feel his heart rate slowing down when provided with another escape from his feelings.
"How is she?" Nick asked in a whisper as he walked quietly into the room.
"She was awake a little while ago," Grissom told him, his voice lowered as he stood up and offered Nick his chair.
"Gris, you look beat. Why don't you go and grab something to eat and get some rest. I'll stay with her for a while."
Grissom looked down at Nick, considering his words, and he had to admit he was a little hungry, but he didn't want to leave her just yet. "I'll call Catherine and see how her and Warrick are coming on with the evidence at the scene."
"You need to rest some Grissom," Nick insisted, "Go and eat something okay?"
Grissom sighed in defeat and nodded slowly. "I'll be half an hour."
"I'll call you if there's any change," Nick nodded, his dark eyes watching Grissom intently as he turned and slowly made his way towards the door only to turn back and cast a silent gaze over the woman in the bed.
When he had gone, Nick lowered his tired body into Grissom's vacated chair and reached over to Sara's shoulder. "He's gone Sara, you can turn around now."
Sara opened her eyes in surprise and turned her head to slowly look at him. Her silent gaze drifted over his face and for the first time she noticed how lost he looked.
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired, sore…" she croaked, her voice breaking as she closed her eyes again briefly before reaching for his hand. When she found the courage to hold his gaze she tried to smile but her lips failed to respond, and then she whispered softly…"Scared."
"I know, Sar," he whispered as he manoeuvred himself closer to her bed. "It really will be alright now, I promise you."
"You can't promise that," she told him in a whisper, her body shaking as she spoke. "What if he does it again?"
"Sweetheart, he…" His voice trailed off when her face paled. He watched as she pulled her hand roughly from his and started to shake violently. He stepped closer to her worriedly but she held up a hand to stop him.
"I feel sick," she hissed, pulling herself over to the opposite side of the bed before heaving, her stomach burning through lack of food.
"I'll get the doctor…"
"No," she groaned lowly as she pulled herself back onto her back and wiped her mouth. "Don't…no more…please?"
"Sara you're sick…sweethea…"
"Don't," she growled, her eyes blazing with a mixture of fear and self loathing as she glared at him. "Don't call me that…HE… called me that…don't ever…"
"I'm sorry," he told her quickly, sitting up to reclaim her hand only to stroke it gently with his fingers as he tried to calm her fears. "I should've known better. I'm real sorry."
Sara closed her eyes against the burning inside her eyes. "I don't know what to do."
"Sara, we're all here for you okay? We'll get through this." Pulling himself up out of the chair he perched on the side of the bed and took her other hand in his. "Sara?"
"I thought I was going to die there," she whispered brokenly, her eyes still closed tightly as she spoke. "I couldn't see a way out and I...Oh God Nick, I was going to die"
"Thank God you didn't Sara," he whispered as he squeezed her hands again, fighting his own emotions. "We thought we'd lost you."
"I was so scared," she told him, her voice breaking as she opened her eyes to reveal the pain that coursed throughout her body. "He wanted me and I tried so hard to find a way out…you have to believe me…"
"Honey, calm down. Don't even think about that right now. You're safe, that's all that matters here." Nick lifted one of her hands to his face and kissed her palm gently before sniffing back the tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry I made you come to that bar…I'm sorry I made you come out to celebrate…if I hadn't have insisted…"
"Don't," she whispered sadly, "please don't."
"When we came out of the bar and your SUV was still there…" his voice trailed off and a tear slipped from his eyes to trickle down his cheek. "God, Sara…I don't care anymore about some stupid promotion…when I think how we could have lost you."
"I'm still here, the only difference is that I've lost everything," she whispered, turning her head away from him as her ebbing courage finally stopped retreating and forced her to see her reality. "There's nothing left for me anymore."
"Sara?"
Closing her eyes again, she let the pain release the tears as her voice cracked. "Lurie told me that no one in my world loved me and as much as I didn't want to hear it, I knew he was telling the truth."
"Sara, that's not true," Nick told her, his voice rising as he squeezed her hands tighter. "Look at me?"
Outside in the corridor, Grissom had heard the last snippet of the conversation and stopped dead in his tracks. Vincent Lurie had crashed into their lives and left a wave of destruction in his wake, only this time, the damage was going to take a long time to repair. Stepping into the doorway, he listened, unnoticed.
"I know you love me Nick, but it's not what he meant and I know he's right," closing her eyes again she sobbed quietly. "I have to give up someone that I've held so close for a long time, and as much as I want to believe it, I know he doesn't love me and it's my fault he's suffering."
"Who?"
"Doesn't matter now," she sniffed, her voice shaking as she opened her eyes again. "I made a promise to myself that if I survived I would do the one thing he wanted from me. And I survived…so…I have to let him go now. I've kept him grounded for long enough and he deserves to be happy."
"So do you, Sara."
"People like me rarely live to be happy Nick," she told him softly, her voice breaking again as she spoke. "I'm used to being alone, it's who I am."
Grissom's eyes stung with emotion when he realized that he was the one she was talking about, and his heart ached with remorse as he silently screamed out that he didn't want to be released.
"You're not alone anymore, Sara."
"You don't get it do you?" she whispered as she closed her eyes. "I have nothing left to give anyone...not now."
"Sara?"
"It's okay Nick," she whispered, her tiny smile failing to reach her eyes. Laying herself deeper into her pillows she closed her eyes again, and gingerly reached up to touch her swollen face. "I should've seen it coming."
Nick swallowed the anger and pain that was welling inside him and shifted slightly on the bed. This was Sara's defence mechanism, something he'd noticed about her since the first time he'd met her. She would build a wall so thick around herself that no one could tell what she was thinking, but it still hurt to see her already trying to be strong and push the nightmare to the far reaches of her mind. She was trying to forget and forge the tough mask that she had always tried to project, but he wasn't sure that he, or anyone else on the team could forget this, or move on, in a hurry.
"It's okay to be scared, Sara," he whispered softly as he spoke, hoping that he could save her before she retreated so far away from him that he couldn't pull her back again. "You have no idea how scared we were when you were missing."
Sara kept her eyes closed when his words became too much to bear. She had been absolutely terrified when she'd realized who had been her captor. It was a feeling she would never forget, no matter how many times she tried to hide from it.
"He took my clothes," she told him brokenly, her voice no more than a whisper. Opening her eyes slowly, she turned to him and swallowed hard. "Nick…he…he…"
Before Nick could respond, Grissom took this as his cue to step into the room again and pretend that he'd heard nothing of their earlier conversation. "Sara?"
"Oh God," she breathed, her stomach rolling in waves of nausea as she recoiled back into the pillows again.
Nick watched her carefully, his own eyes already welling with concern. He turned to look at Grissom, his desperation to somehow help his friend overpowering everything else in his mind. Nick could see the sorrow in the older man's eyes and knew instantly who Sara had been talking about earlier.
"I'll stay with her now, Nick," Grissom told him softly. "Catherine's expecting you back at the lab."
"What?"
"The lab, Nick," Grissom repeated gently, hoping to separate Nick from both his need to help and his reluctance to leave. "Cath needs you back at the lab."
"But…"
"It's okay Nick," a small voice came from the bed, causing both men to turn and look at the pale woman in the bed. "I'll be fine. Life has to go on."
"Sara!"
"She'll be fine Nick," Grissom assured. "I promise you."
Taking a deep breath, Nick turned back to Sara and bent down to place a soft kiss on her forehead, hovering over her protectively for a few seconds before drawing away to smile affectionately down at her. "Feel better."
Sara nodded silently and watched him leave, his retreating form bringing a painful acceptance into the room. Maybe if she was honest with Grissom now then it wouldn't hurt so much, but then again, when hadn't it hurt? Swallowing the lump in her throat, she turned her head slightly to watch Grissom hovering beside her bed. "You don't have to stay with me if you have somewhere else you'd rather be."
Her words coursed a burning path right to his heart and his eyes stung again with unshed tears. Taking courage from his feelings he ignored her words and sat down into the chair beside her bed. "I want to be here."
"Why?"
"Excuse me?" he asked quickly as if he hadn't understood the question.
Sara closed her eyes against the burning in them, knowing that Grissom didn't deserve this treatment, especially now. When she opened her eyes again she noticed that he had leaned in closer towards the bed and that his hand hovered over hers.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm just trying…I can't…"
"I know," he told her quickly, his words cutting her off mid sentence. Reaching out towards her, he took one of her hands in his and stroked his thumb along the ridges of her bandaged wrist.
For a moment Sara revelled in his touch and allowed herself to be lost in the love she'd imagined for so long. Meeting her own courage head on, she met his gaze expecting to find him hidden behind his walls, but found herself rendered speechless by what she saw.
"I'm fine," she whispered, hoping she sounded more convincing than she actually felt.
"No you're not," he replied, his voice dripping with raw emotion, it was time he took control, he had to, for both of them. Slipping his hand down further, he caught her fingers and squeezed them gently. For a few silent moments they stared at each other, both of them trying to read the others thoughts. "Sara," he whispered, his voice caught in a gravelled whisper. "I'm…sorry."
"Don't," she whimpered, closing her eyes tightly to rid herself of this never ending pain. "Please…" she managed to whisper before her voice cracked beneath the strain of her emotions.
Grissom watched her carefully and shook his head in confusion. "Don't?" he asked softly, "I'm sorry honey, I don't understand."
"Grissom," she gasped his name, the sound echoing around the room in a mournful wail. "You don't have to be here, not anymore…"
"Will you please stop?" he groaned almost angrily, his head falling onto their joined hands. "This is so hard for me."
"I know," she told him softly as her eyes welled with emotion. "I made a promise when I...You don't have to feel this way anymore… I won't make things harder than they already are for you."
Lifting his head he looked up at her questioningly, finding himself mesmerized with the wet tracks that littered her swollen face. He knew what she was trying to say, he'd heard it while he waited outside in the corridor, but she had to know that he didn't want to lose her, not now, not ever.
Standing up from the chair, he stood next to her bed and gazed down at her and suddenly realized that he had loved her for over a decade. "Sara, I don't know what it is you think you know, but I do want to be here with you."
Shaking her head, she kept her eyes closed as the tears leaked out to track down the side of her face. "I know you want to be here now, but when I'm out of here you'll feel differently."
"No…"
"I heard you," she told him quickly, opening her eyes and cutting off his voice mid sentence.
"What?"
"I heard everything you said," she whispered, her voice crumbling into silent sobs as she tried to pull her hand from his. "You told Lurie that you couldn't do it, that I wasn't worth the risk…and now…you don't have to worry about it anymore…you're free of me…"
"Sara…" his eyes filled with tears as he struggled to find something to say that could explain to her why he'd said the things he had. His mouth opened and closed, but no words came out and he knew she needed more than just words from him right this moment.
Moving closer, he kept hold of her hand while he lifted himself up onto the bed beside her and squeezed her fingers tighter. "Look at me."
Sara closed her eyes and turned her face away from him, still afraid that this was just the same dream that she had always had, only this time Grissom's absence would only hurt so much more. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she slowly opened her eyes again and turned her head back to look at him expectantly, waiting for another denial from him, another rejection.
"I've been a fool," he started, his voice catching in his throat as he tried to get the words out. "I…Sara, this is so hard."
"I know," she whispered, dropping her eyes from his as the tears started again. Her voice shook along with her body but she was so tired of fighting it. "I thought…when he…Oh God…"
"It's okay," he soothed, reaching for her other hand with his to cradle them in his lap.
"No," she sniffed, shaking her head. "It's not okay…I thought I was going to die…I thought I'd never have a chance…"
Without thinking, Grissom moved closer and gathered her trembling body in his arms as he tried to heal them both with his touch. "It's over, honey. He can't hurt you anymore."
His words opened a floodgate that coursed through her body, washing away all the sorrow that had entrapped her for so long. Her sobs flowed into his body, her lithe frame entangled in his warmth as she let everything go.
"It's okay," he soothed, rocking her as he spoke. "It's okay."
TBC