Huge thanks to Battus and Marlou for beta-ing this chapter for me, and for their constant support over the last week. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and sent well wishes for my husband, you guys are the best.
Catherine watched Grissom silently as he stared into his coffee, his mind obviously elsewhere.
"So, have you decided what you're going to do now?" she asked quietly, waiting for his reaction to a question that he had undoubtedly asked himself on more than one occasion already. When he didn't answer, she leaned forward and reached out to touch his arm gently. "Gil, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Everyone knows that you and Sara have...something."
Closing his eyes for a moment, Grissom breathed in deeply before lifting his head to look into Catherine's worried eyes. "What do you want me to tell you?"
"You don't have to tell me anything," she told him softly, her voice almost maternal. "You may not think we notice the thing that's going on between you two, but we do."
"It's complicated…"
"With you two it always is," she smiled. "Question is, what do you want to do about it?"
Grissom lowered his head and closed his eyes away from her piercing gaze. Everything was already mu ddled inside his mind and discussing his innermost feelings with anyone other than Sara wasn't an option anymore, not that he had ever been willing to share. "I can't talk about this Catherine, not with you…I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't apologize, it's good that you two are finally starting to see the light." Catherine's smile lingered on her lips briefly before the memory of Sara's blood in the bedroom brought everything back again. "I can't believe this happened, it's just so…it shouldn't have been Sara…"
"It shouldn't have happened at all," Grissom whispered, his voice laced with anger before he had a chance to control it. "She's been through so much already."
"I know, but she has all of us to help her through it Gil, and I promise you that I'll be there for her." Dropping her eyes down to her coffee she released a soft sigh from her lips. "I haven't been fair on her for a long time, and I don't know, maybe I'm partially to blame for her being so down."
"I'm not following you," he told her quietly as he lifted his head to see her struggling to find the words.
"Last year when Eddie died…I may have said some things that implied I didn't think she was capable of doing her job." When she recognized the horror piercing his gaze along with a slow burning anger, she reached out to take his hand in hers. "I didn't mean any of it…I…I was upset, and I spoke before I realized what I was doing."
"Did you ever tell her that?" He asked quickly, his voice already tinged with anger as he spoke.
"I thought she knew," she whispered, shaking her head sadly. "If I'd have known…"
"So, you taking the Julie Waters case from Sara and Nick only added more fuel to an already out of control fire?" Shaking his head, he pulled his hands away from hers before she had time to react. "I can't do this now, Sara needs me."
"Yes she does," Catherine nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat, "she needs all of us."
"I'm gonna head back to her room," he told her quickly as he pushed himself out of his chair.
"Yeah, I want to drop in and say hi, myself." Standing up quickly, Catherine offered him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "Are we okay?"
Grissom nodded slowly, in spite of his fleeting anger. He knew that they had all played a part in Sara's mood of late, himself being the biggest cause. Slowly, he held his arm up, indicating that she should lead the way as they headed out of the cafeteria.
"So, how are they treating you in here?" Warrick asked Sara quickly, hoping to bring the bright smile that she had always beamed his way, back to her lips.
Sara lowered her eyes from his to focus on the bandages that still adorned her wrists and part of her arm. "Fine."
"Greg sends his love by the way," Nick grinned, he too hoping to lift her spirits a little, but it soon became apparent that her unique smile had faded into a tiny shadow of its former glory. The smile fell from Nick's lips and he looked over towards Warrick worriedly.
"So girl, when they letting you out of here?"
"Soon I hope," she sighed. "I hate hospitals."
"Yeah, I don't think any of us really like them much," Nick told her sympathetically. Moving closer, he came to sit on the edge of the bed, much like he had done when he had first come to see her. "It's gonna be okay Sara."
She closed her eyes with his words, wishing that she could believe him, but the remembrance of Lurie's touch still haunted her in ways that no one else could ever imagine. She couldn't escape from him, even knowing that he was in custody and that he would no doubt be facing a lengthy incarceration, nothing could take the images or the terror of his hands stroking her skin, away from her.
"We're all gonna get you through this," Warrick told her gently as he reached out to touch her hand.
Sara's eyes sprang open and she snatched her hand away from him, her eyes staring in a blazing mixture of anger and pain. She sucked in a raspy breath and shook her head to rid herself of the images that swam around inside her mind, making her ordeal almost too much to bear.
Warrick pulled his hand away slowly, hoping that she couldn't see the hurt in his eyes, but he knew, the second she cast her pain filled eyes towards him, that she had.
"I'm sorry," she whispered shakily, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be Sara," he told her, his lips turning upwards into a warm smile as he reached for her again, this time relieved that she didn't pull away from his touch.
"Sometimes…" Sara's voice faltered slightly, her heart beating wildly in her chest as she tried to push the fears to the far reaches of her mind. She could remember with perfect clarity every second of the time that Lurie held her captive, and she wanted so desperately to release the heavy burden of the truth that she had kept hidden since she'd been rescued.
Swallowing hard, she took a deep breath and prepared herself for another wave of abandonment, for the two men whom she had so often thought of as good friends, would no doubt be disappointed in her once they knew that Lurie had undressed her, and she hadn't fought back.
"He…Lurie…he…" her voice stuck in her throat and the words that had only seconds ago been eager to slip from her tongue, had all but vanished. Shaking her head she sniffed back the anguish that still fought to overthrow her already battered emotions. She couldn't do this, not yet, not when she needed their support. "Doesn't matter."
"What happened, Sara?" Nick asked quietly as he exchanged worried glances with Warrick whose eyes showed an equal amount of anxiousness.
Shaking her head, Sara fought to keep in control but she could already feel herself slipping away.
"What's going on?" Grissom's voice spoke from the doorway. Sensing the uneasiness in the room, he stepped inside and made his way towards Sara, his immense desire to protect her evident in every part of his body. Ignoring the two men in the room, he focused on her. "Honey, you okay?"
Both Warrick and Nick exchanged knowing glances and watched in stunned amazement as Sara turned to gaze upon him with a look that could only be described as utter adoration mixed with a tinge of fear.
Moving closer, Grissom sat down on the mattress beside her and reached out to take her hand in his. "Sara?"
Her lower lip began to quiver as she fought to keep the tears at bay, her need to prove to everyone that she was strong still trying to overpower everything else in her mind.
Grissom could see her turmoil and shuffled closer towards her. "Could you guys give us a few minutes?" he asked without turning around to face both Nick and Warrick, who now stood at the foot of the bed.
"Sure," Warrick nodded, indicating Nick to follow him.
Both men cast a worried glance over their shoulder one final time before finally exiting the room.
When they were alone, Grissom lifted a hand to cup Sara's face gently in his palm, tilting her chin up so that he could look into her tear filled eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked softly, his voice so gentle that it only served to bring her unshed tears to the fore, causing them to tumble over her cheeks and his fingers.
Moving forward, Grissom slipped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest, her muffled sobs soaking his shirt as she released the tears that had kept her an emotional prisoner for far too long.
Grissom could feel his own inner turmoil reaching up to grasp his heart in a vice like grip. Deep down he knew that there was more to Sara's fears than she had digressed, and that only made him more afraid of the truth. Something she hadn't shared was still eating away at her internally and he didn't know how to help her.
"Shhh…it'll be okay," he whispered, more to convince himself of that fact than her, and when her sobs finally slowed and she clung to him, he knew, more than ever, that she had become the most important person in his life.
Sara relaxed in his embrace, feeling loved for the first time in a very long, long while. Closing her eyes, she relished in his warmth, for this one solitary second she didn't think of the possible rejection to follow later, or if his love lasted for months, days, even hours, all that mattered was that he was here, loving her in this moment.
The ringing of Grissom's cell phone cast an intrusive shrill into the room, breaking the spell that had kept them both enraptured in each other's arms. Grissom pulled back slightly and held her gaze for a few moments before leaning in to place a soft kiss on her forehead.
She watched silently, her hand still nestled firmly in his as he pulled his cell phone from his pocket. Their gaze held, neither wanting to break away from the other for fear of losing this moment.
Lifting the phone to his ear, Grissom squeezed her fingers. "Grissom."
Sara watched his lips close tightly and the side of his jaw twitch in frustration. For a few moments she could almost feel him withdrawing from her again and as much as she tried to prepare herself for the separation, she could never have imagined how painful it would be.
Grissom hissed out a breath and nodded as if the person on the other end of the phone could actually see him. "I'll be there in ten minutes, don't let them start without me." Snapping his phone closed, he returned it to his pocket before turning back to Sara's waiting eyes.
"You have to go," she whispered knowingly, nodding her head as she spoke.
"Yeah, that was Brass…Sara, I…" Closing his eyes briefly, he opened them again to find her gaze once more upon him. "I'll be back as soon as I can."
"I'm not exactly going anywhere," she whispered, her futile attempt at a joke falling on deaf ears. She could feel the sudden shift in the room, filling her with nervous energy when she finally realized that he was slowly moving closer towards her. She stayed still, unsure of what to do, not daring to move for fear of breaking the moment and have him run from her like he always had done.
Grissom's eyes focused on her lips, knowing that one touch would effectively bring his walls crashing down around him, yet he didn't care. He wanted to kiss her, had wanted to for as long as he could remember. He'd lacked courage in the past, something that he had always known he needed to conquer. Increasing his descent, his whole body was shaking with a mixture of nerves and desire. She had found her way through his defenses and rendered him immobile so many times, but now, when he reached her trembling lips to touch them briefly with his own, he knew he was sealing them together for a lifetime instead of a few heavenly seconds.
Sara was lost. In the briefest of kisses she had been given everything she had ever wanted; his love, his touch, his need. In those few beautiful moments she had never felt more loved before in her life, and even when he had started to pull away from her, to smile down into her eyes, she knew that everything had changed between them.
"Catherine wants to see you," he whispered softly, his thumb lightly caressing her fingers. "Is that okay?"
Unable to speak, she just nodded numbly, her gaze dropping to his hand on hers. Catherine hadn't really tried to be overly friendly towards her in the past, but then neither had she. Taking a deep breath, she tried to force a smile to her lips in a bid to ease the worry from his eyes.
"I'll send her in," he told her as he slowly released her hand to get up from the bed. "You want me to bring you anything?"
Her mind screamed out his name but she silenced it, her only response being a silent shake of her head.
"Okay, I'll see you soon." Leaning down again, his lips brushed hers briefly to leave her with his butterfly kiss still tingling over her. His smile lit her heart in more ways than she could ever have imagined, and even now as he slowly walked towards the door to exit her room, she felt his presence in her whole body while he gently healed her.
Outside in the corridor, Grissom nodded towards Catherine who was sitting in one of the white plastic chairs, waiting. "She's waiting for you," he told her softly. "Where are Warrick and Nick?"
"I told them to go home, if we split visiting into shifts then she won't be left on her own for long periods of time," she smiled.
"Oh," he nodded, "makes sense."
"Okay, so what about you?"
"I'm going to find Brass. I want to be there when they question Lurie." Without any further explanations he took one last look back towards Sara's open doorway before moving past her.
"What…Gil, that isn't such a good idea." Catherine protested, "You're too close to the case, you know that!"
"I'm going to be in the observation room Cath," he sighed, shaking his head to clear the hazy thoughts that still lingered. "I need to see that bastard go down."
"And he will, but you have to let Ecklie handle this."
"I am letting him handle it, I just need to do this and I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell her," he whispered, his eyes glancing towards Sara's door as he spoke.
"I won't say anything," she nodded, moving a hand out to squeeze his arm reassuringly. "Just don't do anything stupid, okay?"
Nodding silently, he turned away from her and made his way down the corridor towards the exit, leaving Catherine to watch on helplessly. When he was out of sight she took a deep breath and walked slowly over to Sara's door and took a cautious step into the room.
Sara was staring off into space when she walked in quietly, and for a few moments, Catherine had to swallow the gasp that ached to break free from her lips. Sara's bruised face had all but taken the breath from her lungs and even now as she came in to sit down on the chair beside her bed, she wasn't sure what she was going to say to her.
"Hey," she whispered, her voice cutting through the silence in the room. "How are you feeling?"
Sara heard Catherine's voice breaking through her solitude and for a few moments she welcomed the intrusion. Her thoughts and feelings were fraught in an agonizing turmoil and even as she tried to block the returning images from her mind, they came back with full force, bombarding her entire body with pain. Closing her eyes, she tried to calm her breathing while trying to project an image of her usual strong self to the woman beside her.
Catherine watched the struggle that had seemed to consume Sara's being and for the first time since she'd met her, Catherine realized that she never really knew her at all. A twinge of guilt crossed her heart, causing a wave of pain to ripple through her body. She knew that they both had to work harder at building a friendship and that she would have to be the one to initiate it.
"Warrick and Nick went home," Catherine told her softly, unsure if Sara actually realized she was in the room as she engaged in a one-sided conversation. "They've been so worried…I think all of us—"
"He touched me," Sara blurted suddenly, her voice rasping through her lips as she finally revealed her torment to someone whom she had never really had any connection with. Closing her eyes tightly, she fought to keep the bile from rising into her throat. Her whole body was shaking with the force of the memories as she found herself once again immersed into her nightmare.
Catherine's breath caught in her throat and she found herself unable to speak. She looked around the room briefly as if to find some sort of answer, but when she ran her worried eyes over the young woman beside her she knew instinctively what she had to do. Pulling herself out of the chair she stood beside the bed for a few moments before finally finding the courage to perch on the edge of Sara's mattress. "It's—"
"It's okay?" Sara asked, her voice hissing through her lips as she turned tear filled eyes to Catherine's. "Everyone tells me that I'm going to be okay, but I can't…"her voice cracked as the tears leaked from her eyes once more. "He…took me…my clothes…I can't…"
"Oh Sara…" Catherine soothed softly, her heart aching for her. Moving closer she reached forward to take Sara's hands in her own, for a few moments offering some kind of comfort before she could bring herself to ask a question of which she dreaded the answer. "Did he…force you…?"
"No," Sara sobbed, shaking her head venomously from side to side. "He…he wanted me to…to…he made me take a bath…"
Catherine squeezed her fingers again, hoping that she could breathe some reassurance into Sara's frightened body. Shuffling a little closer, she could feel her own eyes welling with tears as she fought to keep in control for Sara's sake. "What did he do to you?"
Sara gasped in a sob and squeezed her eyes tightly closed. She sniffed back the tears that ached to escape, her voice straining against the lump in her throat. "He…um…he…unbuttoned my shirt and then…he…" her voice shook again when she tried to speak, Lurie's touch causing her to recoil away from the horror in her mind.
"It's okay honey," Catherine whispered maternally.
Catherine's voice seemed to calm her slightly and she took a deep breath and opened her eyes before trying to clear her mind. "His hands were…they were… on my…" Sara couldn't bring herself to say the words, but she gestured with her free hand in the general direction of her chest and she hoped that Catherine would understand what she was trying to say.
Catherine nodded sadly, her heart both fighting anger and a powerful urge to protect the woman who should never have suffered this torment.
"I froze…I didn't move…Oh God," she opened her eyes to stare into the other woman's gaze. "I didn't do anything…I just stood there…I should have stopped him…I should have—"
"Sara, he hurt you. Oh honey, none of this is your fault." Leaning forward, Catherine pulled Sara's trembling body towards her own and held her while she cried, her painful sobs falling into her. "No man has the right to touch you when you don't want him to," she soothed, her own eyes filling with emotion as she continued rocking Sara gently as she spoke. "We'll get through this…I promise you…"
"I didn't stop him," Sara sobbed into Catherine's shoulder, her voice aching with pain. "His hands were all over me and I didn't do anything…God…what did I do…what did I do?"
"You survived Sara," Catherine told her firmly, sniffing back her own tears as she spoke. "You did what you had to do to survive…you did nothing wrong…you hear me…nothing?"
"But…I…"
"No buts," Catherine sobbed, she too losing to her emotions. "He took something from you that he had no right to take…even though he didn't rape you physically, he raped you mentally, and that's unforgivable."
"I tried to tell…him," Sara sniffed, her painful sobs once again wracking her body. "But I couldn't…and now he'll hate me for it…"
Catherine's mind swam in confusion for a few seconds until she finally realized whom Sara was referring to. Pulling back, she smiled into Sara's tear filled eyes and squeezed her fingers. "He could never hate you, Sara. He cares about you a whole lot."
"But—"
"Grissom cares. Never doubt that honey, take it from someone who knows." Catherine smiled gently and gave Sara's hands a small squeeze. "I'm glad you told me."
Sara closed her eyes briefly and nodded silently, not knowing what to make of this new turn of events. "I keep thinking of the things I should have done, what I should have said…but everything is so mixed up…"
"Sara," Catherine whispered, squeezing her hand as she tried to find the right words. "Nothing matters now except for you to get well."
"But how can I get well when I'm still stuck in time?" Sara asked softly, her voice shaking. "Everything has been going wrong for so long and I…I'm scared of slipping down so far that I'll never be able to get back."
"You won't slip Sara," Catherine whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. "We won't let you fall."
"But what if I can't get it all back? What if I can't do my job?" Sara asked tiredly, losing the fight with her battered emotions. "Lurie's taken everything away."
"No he hasn't. If you let him control your fears then you're letting him win, and I won't let him Sara. I'll be here for you if you need me, okay?"
Tears slipped from Sara's eyes again when she found Catherine's gaze. For the first time she could actually see the compassion in the elder woman's eyes, filling her with some much needed courage to fight the battle a little longer. Nodding silently, her eyes slipped down to Catherine's hand that still held one of hers. It seemed so strange after all this time that the two of them had finally found some peace with each other.
"I'm sorry about Eddie," she whispered finally, hoping that their newly developed bond would still hold steady.
"What?" Catherine asked just as quietly. "It wasn't your fault."
"But I…"
"No Sara, it wasn't you I was angry at and I'm so sorry that I made you think that I didn't trust you." Swallowing hard, Catherine pushed the guilt away from her heart and once again squeezed Sara's fingers, coaxing her to look up into her eyes. When she finally lifted her head Catherine could feel the change within them. "I'm sorry."
Sara nodded tearfully and offered Catherine what she hoped was a smile. "It's been a rough year for both of us hasn't it?"
"Yeah, it sure has," she sighed. "It can only get better though, right?"
"I wish it would…I hope it does."
"It will, I promise." Catherine smiled, an idea springing into her mind. "Hey, have you had anything to eat yet?"
"No, not really… I'm not that hungry."
"Well, I'm hungry, so how about I go and grab us both a sandwich and I'll come back here and keep you company for a while until Gil gets back?" Her smile widened even further when she saw Sara's eyes slowly begin to lose the tears that still held her down.
"Aren't you tired?" Sara asked softly, her small smile lightening her mood slightly.
"Tired? Nope…not yet anyway." Releasing Sara's hand she hopped down from the bed and picked up her bag. "I'll bring you something vegetarian."
"You remembered?" Sara's smile widened.
"Of course," Catherine grinned. "Be right back."
Sara watched her stroll purposefully out of the room and felt her spirits lifting for the first time in almost a year. She had a feeling that things were going to change, hoping that the light they brought along with them would help heal her.
TBC