The world has denied me my freedom.
Monster II: Kiss Me, Kill Me
By: Banana Rum: Kalliel
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha etc. Original story is mine. I do not hate Kagome OR Kikyo and I do not support either of those pairings, preferring AU pairings with Inuyasha or him simply alone as an individual.
Make me my own world and I will destroy it.
I don't want a safe haven, away from things that might hurt me.
I don't want to live.
Dying.
Death.
Suicide.
These are what I crave.
Give me a world with others who can kill me.
Who hate me.
So I can kill them too.
And I won't have to life or die alone.
I can just die.
With you.
I can see you thinking. Why doesn't she die? Go back to the hell from whence she was reborn. I don't know the answer. I don't wish to die, I don't wish to live. It's not my choice anyway. I could die. Would you like that? I could die. But I'm afraid.
The world wants me to die. I don't belong, they say. They speak the truth. I don't belong. Yet someone brought my spirit back and I live once more. They want me to live. They keep me here. I am writing on pages, calligraphy on silken wastelands. Graffitti on the walls in your city. I am the grime-encrusted walkways you tread and the trails you hike to reach a shrine where you can pray for my death.
And yet, over there, she wants me to live. I long, I search, I grieve. But I don't cry. I never cry. Because then I wouldn't have a reason to live. I'm happy in this world. I laugh and smile. I'm happy. I scream and curse. I kill. And I'm not happy anymore.
You want me dead. So does everyone else. I want to die. I want to live. I want to attain my true meaning. You condemn me. A bitch, you say? Maybe. Or maybe you have only seen my shadow, my reflection, my aura. My death-scent. I love. I laugh. I crave. I wish. I think. I decide. I kill.
I deserve to die. But someone still wants me here. They love me, they desire me. They draw my twisted shadow's silhouette on paper. They don't really love me. They're pretending. They love my shadow, my reflection, my aura. My death-scent. They don't want me here. They worship hell. Not me.
I want to live. I give birth to new things. Plants. Loves, lies, hatred. I cure the sick and help the wounded. I kill the healthy and burn the living. I can't stop. Without my soul, all I have is these thoughts, scribbled on notes for me to remember. But I will never remember. What have I done, what have I said? It's different when my picture-notes. I was forgotten, tainted, corrupted. Because the person who gave me colored life detests me. Despises me. They want me to die.
But I can't. There is still someone who wishes for my hands upon their skin. They do not pity me. They are above that. I am above that. They love me, encourage me, spoil me. When they forsake me, I forget. What is happiness? What is friendship? I forget.
I prepare to die. There's nothing left to kill, to help. To save. So I try to die. But something keeps bringing me back. A new group draws me. My personality. My past, my present, my future.
And something brings me back. I start anew, I reconfigure my life once more. They worship me, they care for me. They don't want me to die. Their tears fall on me. I drown in their sorrow instead of my own.
A hope. A dream. A thought. A whim. A lie. A decision. A betrayal. And you like someone else more. What happened to the shrines at which you worshiped? They burn down. Who destroyed them? Me. I don't want to be loved. I want to die. I can't kill myself. Kiss myself. You must kill me.
Kill me so that the people who still lust after me will not recognize me. And so they hate you. Their hate of you takes over their love of me. Then they don't love me. They just hate those who love to kill me. Those who love to see me suffer. I created my own means of torture. A method all my own. I am Kikyo. You are my worshippers.
-fin
This story was made to recognize the anti-Kikyo, the Inuyasha animators, Rumiko Takahashi, the anti-anti-kikyo, the Kikyobitch fans, the fans who have forgotten her, and the fans she never knew.Read this story again and see if you notice who she recognizes in her mind as followers, as enemies. As targets.
Kalliel