Chapter 3 – The Long Ride Home
On the last day of the school year, Severus was strangely conflicted.
On the one hand, he was greatly relieved because he'd soon be on a train leaving Hogwarts. On the other hand, he was horribly alarmed because, well, he'd soon be on a train leaving Hogwarts.
Leaving Hogwarts meant leaving Lily Evans, and that was a good thing. Good because he found himself spending much too much time thinking about her. And that, of course, was bad. Leaving Hogwarts meant no more chance meetings in the hallways, or stray glances during mealtime. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight…
Was he out of his mind?
Leaving Hogwarts also meant returning to #13 Pemberly Street, his family home, for three whole months. And that, he thought, was most definitely a bad thing.
After skipping breakfast, Severus had spent his entire morning in his dormitory room mulling over his predicament. Of course it was all futile. He had no choice in the matter after all. At precisely 11:00 a.m. he'd be boarding the Hogwarts Express on his way to…
Wait a minute.
He glanced at the clock on his bedside. It looked like the man in the moon with its round face and greenish tinge. At the moment, it appeared to be sleeping. Severus noted that the large hand had been pointing to the twelve, and the short to the six since the time he'd arisen that morning.
"Wake up, clock!" Severus growled, and the clock opened its eyes, looking startled.
"Wh-what time is it?" the clock blurted.
"Precisely what I was going to ask you!" Severus snapped.
The clock's hands began spinning around and around, until the large hand was just shy of the twelve and the short almost dead on the eleven.
"It's ten fifty-sev—"
But before the clock could finish, Severus was already bolting down the stairs at full speed, desperate to catch the train that was to shuttle him away from one hopeless plight, only to deliver him to another.
* * *
Out of breath, lugging a large wire cage containing his tawny owl, Bartho, in one hand, and dragging his school satchel, heavy with books, in the other, Severus passed compartment after compartment, but all were filled. As he had no real friends, no one had saved him a seat. Near the back of the train, he opened a door and felt his heart lurch up his throat, stopping just short of his Adam's apple. There in front of him, munching on Chocolate Frogs and chatting amiably with Cassandra Clark, another Gryffindor girl, sat Lily Evans.
Severus blanched, and then quickly tried to shut the door he'd just opened. Before he could do so, however, Lily spoke up.
"Oh, hey," she said, sounding friendly. He paused. Perhaps she'd only been talking to Cassandra. But then she said his name, "Severus…" and her voice was still pleasant. Curious, Severus slid the door back open a quarter, poking his head inside the cabin.
Lily smiled sweetly at him, and Severus felt his knees start to sag down to the floor.
"Evans," he said, trying to sound as cool as possible, his face, he hoped, was a mask of indifference.
"There's an open seat in here," Lily said, gesturing to the empty bench across from them.
Severus eyed her apprehensively, and then glanced at the seat. "Er," he began, withdrawing from the cabin, "No thanks, I, er…"
But Lily was already on her feet, and pulling the door open. She grabbed Bartho's cage, and placed it next to the window. Studying the bird with interest, she commented, "Nice owl."
"Hey!" Severus scowled, entering the cabin to retrieve Bartho. He stepped toward his owl, but Lily cut in front of him, causing a brief collision. Severus jumped back, alarmed. He blinked hard trying to dispel pubescent thoughts that were suddenly entering his mind unbidden. She'd felt soft against him, and her smell, like gardenias…
To his amazement, Lily was now freeing him of his satchel and stowing it in the rack above their heads. "There," she said, obviously pleased with herself. She sat back down on her side of the compartment and looked at Severus expectantly.
Brows drawn together in a frown of uncertainty, Severus glanced from Lily, to his owl, then to his satchel, and finally completely ignoring Cassandra, turned back to Lily again.
"Sit. Sit," she said, and gestured again to the bench.
Feeling trapped, and miserable, Severus did as he was told, and lowered himself next to his owl. Bartho hooted his approval.
"What's his name?" Lily asked, smiling at Bartho.
"What?" Severus said distractedly. He'd been concentrating on not looking at her, and was feigning interest in a water spot on the window.
"Your owl," Lily replied, getting up, and then kneeling in front of Bartho's cage. "What's his name?"
Still trying not to look directly at Lily, Severus glanced across the cabin and locked eyes with Cassandra. That was a mistake. The curly haired brunette was staring at him distastefully as if he reeked of dragon dung. Severus turned away from her, only to be forced into eye contact with Lily. She looked curiously amused.
"What's his name?" she said again.
"It's," Severus said, looking at his owl, who was now hooting softly and puffing out his chest in an attempt to appear more impressive. Shameless peacock! He turned his attention back to Lily, whose large green eyes were intently on him. "It's Bartho," he replied finally.
"Bartho," Lily whispered, smiling. Her face was now level with the owl's cage, and she was stroking him with her index finger through the wire. Bartho pressed against his cage, eager for the attention.
Severus watched them with growing anger. Traitor! he thought, glaring at the owl. He was just about to declare his intention of leaving the compartment, when a second traitor struck unexpectedly.
His stomach, angry about the breakfast Severus had skipped that morning, rumbled loudly.
Lily leaned back on her heels and looked up at him. "Oh," she said casually, "are you hungry?"
Mortified, Severus jerkily shook his head, but Lily ignored him. She turned to her friend. "Cassandra," she said, "have we got any more of those Chocolate Frogs left?"
Cassandra smirked as she popped the last one in her mouth. "Sorry, no," she answered in between chews.
"Oh, that's too bad." Lily frowned. "The snack cart just came by here not five minutes ago." She stood up and looked at her friend. "Cass, if it's not too much trouble, would you mind tracking down something for poor Severus here to eat?"
"What?" Cassandra asked, looking peeved.
Unnerved at the thought of he and Lily being left alone, Severus waved his hand. "No," he said quickly, "that's not nec—"
Lily shrugged and got out a few galleons from her satchel. "Just see what they've got left," she said, handing the coins to Cassandra. "Actually, I could stand for some Pumpkin Pasties myself. Now, would you be a dear and run and get us something?"
Cassandra sat for several seconds, staring down at the money Lily had just given her. Then, shaking her head, she got up and left the cabin with a "hmph" to her friend and a glare at Severus.
Lily sat down directly across from Severus and smiled. "She's such a sweetheart," she commented offhandedly. Then she glanced at him, looking uncertain. There was an uncomfortable silence, and Severus watched as Lily Evans started fidgeting in her seat; moving her hands to her lap, then to her side, then back to her lap again. His eyes narrowed as he noticed this. Suddenly she seemed a different girl. Was she nervous? But certainly she had nothing to be nervous about. Now, he on the other hand…
He was a wreck inside. His nerves were sending shockwaves throughout his body, short-circuiting his brain, and making his heart hammer desperately in his chest. No, he'd never felt more on-edge.
But strangely—and he realized this at last—none of it showed. On the outside, he was the picture of calm.
As this realization sunk in, Severus smiled, and he felt suddenly grateful for what was arguably his greatest talent. It was the one thing, besides potions of course, that he was really good at: hiding his feelings. He was so skilled, in fact, that people often assumed (erroneously) that he didn't have any. And although he did have feelings—strong ones—none of them were apparent that day on the train. As on any other given day, Severus Snape appeared calm and collected, a boy not carrying even the smallest of matchsticks for the girl sitting across from him.
And whether it was a matchstick, or a torch, that he carried for Lily Evans, Severus was determined not to divulge even a shred of his feelings to the girl in question.
So, there they sat. He, impassively studying that water spot on the window that he'd previously noticed, and she, looking helpless, alternating her glance from the window where his attention lay, to his face, and back.
After several minutes of this thick silence, Lily finally spoke.
"So," she said with forced cheerfulness, "what are your plans for the summer?"
Severus thought for a moment. Of course, he didn't have any plans… Well, other than steering clear of his father who tended to yell at him at every given opportunity. Like the previous summer, he'd probably just hide out in his room and shoot flies off the ceiling with his wand, or talk quietly with his mother's portrait that hung in the foyer. Although, he was still very angry with her for dying two days shy of his tenth birthday, he missed her dreadfully.
Lips tightly pursed, Severus briefly looked up at Lily, then glanced out the window, barely taking in the landscape blurring by like running watercolors. He didn't answer.
The silence lasted for several minutes. Then Lily let out a long patient breath, and began talking about her plans for the summer. She chattered on about how she would be helping out with her family's business, some sort of Muggle store, which sold, what she referred to as 'appliances.' Despite himself, Severus couldn't help but listen with genuine interest as she talked about her life outside of Hogwarts.
After nearly five minutes of her good-natured yammering, Lily looked at Severus and said, "Well, enough about me. You never told me about your plans."
Severus grimaced. He tried to think up a good lie, but for some unknown reason, ended up telling her the truth. "I don't have any plans," he said finally in a quiet voice.
"Oh," Lily said, looking surprised. "But don't you have any sort of family trip planned? Surely you—"
"No," he cut her off abruptly. "No trip, and no family."
"But I thought that—"
"Oh, I have a father all right," Severus clarified, "but he doesn't really count."
"Why not?"
Because he's a monster.
Severus shrugged. "He just doesn't." He glanced at Lily, who looked poised to speak, but after briefly meeting his eyes, she seemed to change her mind. Her half-opened mouth shut, becoming a thin straight line.
The two fell again into silence, both seemingly fascinated by the water spot on the window. Eventually, Cassandra returned, angrily sliding the door open, and dropping several Cauldron Cakes in Severus' lap. "Here," she said, as if she were talking to a stray dog. Then she turned to Lily, and handed her the change. "They didn't have any Pumpkin Pasties left," she mumbled, taking her seat.
"Oh, that's all right," Lily replied, standing up to retrieve her satchel. "Thanks a bunch anyway." She glanced at Severus, who was staring down at his Cauldron Cakes. "And Severus is glad also, aren't you, Severus?"
"Hm. What?" He looked up and saw Lily standing in front of him, putting her change away. "Erm, yes. Of course. Thank-you," he said woodenly.
Cassandra didn't reply, instead she grabbed the copy of the Quibbler that had been lying on the seat next to her and started reading it. For the rest of the long ride home, she barely said five words.
In fact, no one in the compartment said much of anything after that—though there were glances. Many of them. Curious looks from Lily to Severus, and uncertain ones from him to her. And as the train rumbled on, these looks continued, perfectly timed so that none collided.