Chapter 6 – Letter to Lily
A/N – Hmm. Nobody came up with the answer to my 'fun' trivia question (not that I expected hoards of over-eagerlies with their arms in the air, jumping up and down, yelling "ooh…ooh…Mr. Kottaire!") Ah well, the book was, of course, "Wuthering Heights" and the character, Isabella Linton Heathcliff. I'm sure any Google search could've helped you with that one, but that's okaaaay. All right, so this story really is starting to roll. I know I'm in the 'zone' when every song that comes on the radio somehow reminds me of Lily and Severus. Geez, what a freak! I better stop my ramblings now while I'm only six feet under…
A/N 2 – Oh you knew I couldn't leave it at just one! Just had to add a big thanks to those of you who've left reviews (none for those who haven't, mind you). Anyway, you know I treasure them all, especially ones that proclaim me 'not at all incompetent!' Dang!
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Dear Lily,
You'll never read this letter, as I've no intention of sending it. But I simply feel compelled to write it. Perhaps if I commit my feelings to paper, I may look at them with a critical eye and see them for what they truly are. Foolish. My heart, you see, has been acting strangely and refuses to listen to reason. You are the cause for its insolence, of course; as I'm sure you're aware.
I'll tell you first off that I don't blame you for the suffering you've provoked. It's not your fault. It's mine. If I were stronger, and more in control of my emotions, I would never have let myself think of you as I have.
But being only fifteen, male, and obviously weak, I 'have' thought of you. You can only begin to imagine how much.
I guess it all started with the unexpected attentions you paid me on the train. No, I have to admit, it was much earlier. From that ill-fated day at school—and my encounter with 'those whom I need not name'—you made me take notice. And now I feel torn. I know what's right. I know what can't be. And still, my heart won't relent. My feelings are what they are. And I need only tell you this—that however misguided, they're undeniably strong.
As far as what 'your' sentiments may be, I'm completely baffled. On the train you expressed an interest in me that I simply cannot fathom.
I can only assume that your regard for me—if you can call it such—is based on silly, girlish notions, and that you've romanticized me into someone I'm not. Whatever your feelings may be, however, I'm certain they will be done with by the end of summer—if not sooner.
If only mine could be that shallow.
But, again, I must stress that I don't blame you, and that I wish you no ill will. Honestly, I find you to be a most amazing person. I wouldn't have wasted countless hours thinking of you if I didn't.
I lack eloquence, I know, where you're concerned. You've made me into someone I despise—someone pathetic, and unsure, mindless and blithering. And that, I'm afraid, cannot be.
So, you see I have no choice but to put any and all thoughts of you out of my head. It won't be easy, by any means, but it must be done. Know that I wish things could be different. Truly, I wish 'I' were different.
But I'm not.
So, I must finish this letter that you will never read, and which explains why I will never call you…or send you an owl…or visit you… Even though I may wish to, I simply can't.
I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way with cruel words I may have spoken, or my 'smoke screen' of indifference. My actions were necessary. There are reasons that I cannot discuss and that I don't expect you to understand. Thus, I won't bore you any further with an attempt at explaining.
Just know that I wish you only the best.
Sincerely,
Severus Snape
PS – If I don't look at you or speak to you when school resumes in the Fall, I hope you'll understand why.
Severus lay down his quill and read through his letter, once, twice and a third time. Bartho sat perched upon his shoulder, and Severus stroked the owl's feathers absently.
"She's a strange one, this Lily Evans," he muttered, fingers skimming Bartho's silky feathers. "One can't help but be taken with a girl like that, can one?" He sighed and turned his head a fraction toward the bird. "I mean you were taken with her, weren't you, boy?"
Bartho blinked.
Severus sighed again. "Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've probably magnified the problem tenfold. It couldn't really as bad as I've made it out to be now could it? After all, she has no idea of how I feel." Frowning, he scratched his chin. "Well, for that matter, I'm not exactly a hundred percent sure myself…"
Severus read through the letter one more time, them crumpled it up. "Of course, she'll never know, anyway," he said, standing up abruptly and dropping the balled up paper onto the desktop. Unbalanced by his owner's sudden movement, Bartho flapped his wings, and hopped down onto the desktop. He gazed up at Severus and hooted softly.
Sighing, Severus turned and strode over to his large, four-poster bed. He flopped onto the faded, hunter-green coverlet, and reached for a pillow, hugging it to him. He rolled onto his side facing away from the desk, and closed his eyes. Much to his dismay, he immediately thought of Lily. And although he'd just vowed to put her out of his head only minutes earlier, she wouldn't go away. He remembered how she'd gazed up at him on the train.
"You're so different from the others…" she'd said.
He recalled how she'd looked, so shy and vulnerable. She'd opened up to him, risking so much to tell him how she felt. And then he'd let her slip away. The idiot.
But what if he'd stopped her?
"Wait," he would've said, reaching out and catching her by the hand, and doing what he'd longed to do. He'd pull her towards him.
And she'd look up at him in surprise, her face tilting toward his, inviting him.
Then he'd lean in for a kiss, his lips parting slightly as they met hers…
But of course, that wasn't how it happened, or for that matter, would ever happen.
Severus opened his eyes suddenly, angry with himself for being so weak. Who was he kidding? He was as capable of banishing Lily Evans from his thoughts as he was, say, of striking his father dead with an Avada Kedavra curse. As much as he wished to do either, he just didn't have the strength.
Fitfully, he turned over onto his other side and stared straight ahead of him. His eyes focused on Bartho. The bird was still standing on the desk, looking down at Severus' balled up letter, his head cocked at a curious angle as if he were deep in thought. Bartho pecked at the letter a couple of times, and it fell to the floor. Then he easily dropped down to the spot where it lay, and he gingerly pulled at the wadded up parchment with his beak. Severus watched in surprise as the owl started to uncurl the letter. After several minutes, Bartho waddled back and forth over the now straightened paper, and hooted with satisfaction. He then turned to Severus, who was watching in stunned silence. The owl blinked, and then carefully grabbed the letter in his beak. He flapped his wings several times, and then flew up to a half-open window.
Finally realizing what the owl was up to, Severus jumped to his feet. "No!" he shouted as he rushed to the window, trying to catch the owl before he got away. But he was too late.
Bartho was gone.