Authors Note: Hell has frozen over…I just updated! And this chapter is a bit longer than my other ones. Okay…to the person that asked shouldn't the doctor notify Ash's parents…well yeah he is…well your question will be answered in this chapter.
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Dear Journal,
I've been writing in you ever since I've been diagnosed with cancer. I still can't grasp the fact that I have breast cancer. I won't admit it either. I know I'm going to die, and to make it less painful, the people I care about can't see what's happening to me. So it'll just be our little secret…oh yeah and Paige's too. When do you think I'll start loosing my hair? The little I have…I've already started with the puking and dizzy spells so I guess my hair falling out is the next thing. I know, I sound pretty vain right now…and like a self-righteous bitch at that. But this is something I can't help. Something that will kill me, which would eat me alive every single day. I'm not going to live, so I might as well make my last days count.
From,
Ash
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For the next couple of weeks, Paige kept my secret, but I just felt so guilty about this whole thing. I still haven't admitted to the fact that I have cancer…and I don't plan on doing so. I still get the dizzy spells and I still throw up, but it doesn't matter anymore because I'm going to die soon and nothing can change that.
"Ash can I talk to you for a second?" Paige pulled me over to the side in the hallway.
"What do you want Paige?" Why was I being so mean to her? She is the one keeping my secret…
"Ashley, I don't know if I can do this anymore. I see you suffer every single day and-"
"You see me suffer now? Then imagine how much pain I'll go through, if I go through with the cancer treatment?" I practically yelled, but tried to sustain my anger.
"A hell of a lot less then what you're going through now. Ashley your sick, this isn't something that you can play with. You have cancer, not some little common cold. Cancer! This is serious and you need to get help. I'm your friend and I-"
"Paige please-"
"No Ash! I just can't go through with this anymore!" Paige shouted, causing attention towards our conversation.
"Paige you're making a scene." I whispered.
"I'm sorry." She lowered her voice down to a whisper.
"Look, just promise me that you'll atleast go back to the doctor." Paige whispered.
"Paige, I can't—what if-"
"What if what Ashley? You already know what's wrong with you now the next step for you to do is to get help." Paige grabbed my hand, but I quickly took it away.
"I don't need help." I whispered.
"Yes you do, Ash. Your sick and I don't want to loose you, none of us do."
"The rest of them won't know." I whispered as the bell rang. I tried to step away but she blocked my advances.
"How do you think your parents would feel knowing that they couldn't help their daughter in her time of need?" I never thought of that…maybe she was right. Maybe I should get help—no Ashley! The faster I die the quicker.
"They wouldn't care." I spoke louder, now that no one was in the hallway.
"Ash, how could you say that? Your parents adore you." That's what she thought, my dad's never around--of course. Toby's dad is so annoying and mom…well that's a subject I just won't touch.
"Adore me? That's funny. Yeah, my parents worship the ground I walk on and kiss my ass every chance they get." I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
"So it's that bad?" She asked, leaning against the wall.
"Yeah…very bad. It's like I'm invisible and Toby's just—the golden child or something." I laughed in spite.
"I had no idea. Well Ash, we have to get to class."
"Since when did Paige care about class…or school in general?" I laughed.
"Shut up." She playfully hit me.
"So Ash, are you gonna do what I said?" She asked me, I wasn't so happy to be back on this subject. Knowing this wasn't an argument I was going to win I gave her the answer the wanted to hear…but did that mean I was going to fulfill it?
"Paige c'mon one little white lie won't hurt…right?" I tried to pull one over on her, but knowing Paige she wouldn't have it.
"Ash, this is more then some little white lie! This is serious, your sick. This isn't something like saying the dog ate your homework when you really didn't do it. You have cancer! Do you want me to spell it out for you? C-A-N-"
"Would you just stop? I don't want to HEAR that I have Breast Cancer!!" I shouted as I slid down the wall in tears.
"J-just—stop." I whispered, my voice shaking with every word.
"Ash, I'm sorry." Paige crouched down to the floor.
"No your not…I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me." I whipped the tears off of my face.
"Ash, just please. Get help. Promise me that you'll get help." Paige looked me in the eye.
"I…I promise." I whispered doubtfully.
"Great...well c'mon we gotta get to class." Paige helped me up.
"You go on ahead. I'll be there in a minute." I whispered hoarsely.
"Okay." Paige started to walk to our next class. I whipped the tears off of my face and started to recompose myself.
"Keep it together, Ash." I told myself as I walked down the hall to my next class. As soon as I opened the door all eyes were on me.
"Ashley, your late." Mrs. Kwan said to me. As if I already didn't know?
"I know." I muttered.
"Take a seat. We were just discussing the works of Shakespeare." I nodded as I took my seat next to Ellie.
"Hey…what happened to you?" Ellie whispered, trying to pay attention at the same time.
"I just wasn't feeling well, that's all." I lied.
"Bullshit Ashley, I've seen you lately and it's more than that." I really need to brush up on my lying skills.
"Ellie, I'll tell you later." I whispered just a bit too loudly.
"Ladies would you like to share?" Mrs. Kwan interrupted us. We both shook our heads. As I was trying to concentrate on my work, I noticed Craig…he kept staring at me. I started to feel sick…really sick. I raised my hand.
"What is it now Ashley?" an aggravated Mrs. Kwan asked.
"May I please use the bathroom?" I asked.
"Sure." She dismissed me. I quietly got up from my seat and left the room. When I left the classroom my vision started to get blurry. I tripped and stumbled my way to the girl's room, I pulled to open the door when something stopped me.
"Going some where?" I looked up to see Craig staring at me.
"Craig…just move out of the way—please." I pleaded, I was desperate to get in the bathroom, if I stayed out here any longer, I would—
"Ash, what's wrong with you?" He asked. We had been going back and forth with this conversation for the past week. I wasn't about to tell him about the cancer.
"Nothing's wrong with me Craig." I muttered as I started to walk away.
"W-where are you going?"
"Away from you." I continued walking.
"Ash—c'mon, stop." He called out as he caught up with me and grabbed my arm.
"What do you want from me?" I turned around to face him.
"For you to tell me what's wrong with you" I started to feel dizzy…but I had to be strong.
"Nothing's wrong with me." I whispered as I tried to walk away, but ended up stumbling instead.
"Will you just stop playing games? I see how you act every single day! Something's wrong with you!" Craig shouted at me. I felt myself loosing my balance…my vision started to darken…
"Whoa." Craig whispered as he caught Ashley in his arms.
"Ashley? Ashley!" He tried to wake her up.
"Ash? Ashley can you hear me?!"
"What happened?" I whispered…not knowing what happened. I was talking to Craig and then I blacked out.
"You fainted." I looked at him with a shocked expression on my face.
"Did not." I argued.
"You did so. We better get you to the nurse." He offered.
"I don't need a nurse!" I shouted.
"Yes you do something's wrong with you Ash and-"
"Will you just stop? Nothing's wrong with me! Do you hear me? NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME!" I shouted, my echo being heard all over the empty halls of Degrassi. I couldn't take anymore of this situation…I exited the school.
"Wait!" I heard Craig call out to me as I walked down the steps, but I paid him no mind.
"Ashley…stop." Craig ran after me.
"Ash." He grabbed my arm and made me face him.
"What the hell is the matter with you?"
"You really want to know?" I whispered…not sure if I wanted to tell him or not. Maybe I can make up a lie…wait no. He'll know that I'm lying. What was I going to do? I watched as he nodded…I couldn't get myself out of this situation.
"I—um…I-" I stuttered, not wanting to admit the truth…to say my fate. Telling him will just make matters worse.
"Ash…just tell me." He pleaded.
"Your not pregnant are you?" Craig asked.
"If only it was that simple." I sniffed as I laughed bitterly.
"If it's not that, then what's happening to you Ash? I'm afraid for you." His voice cracked on the last line…I started to feel guilty.
"I have cancer." I whispered…I was sure he didn't hear me.
"What?"
"I have cancer…I have breast cancer!" I shouted at him. I watched as he stood there in disbelief.
"Ash—I'm sorry, I-"
"This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you…I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me." I confessed as I broke down in tears.
"It'll be okay…y-you can get help." I tried to smile at Craig's failing attempt to console me, but it wasn't going to work.
"No. I'm not going to get help. I'm going to die and-"
"I'm not going to let you die."
"It's not up to you. You want to see me suffer?" I asked.
"No…but-"
"But what?"
"You need help."
"Do you know how sick I am of hearing people tell me that? You think I don't know that I'm sick? That I could die?" I whipped the tears under my eyes.
"It's like a bad soap opera you know. Where this girl gets cancer and wants to keep it away from everyone…and in the end she will get rid of the cancer and live happily ever after. The whole happily ever after bullshit won't happen to me, though." I confessed, and Craig just stayed silent.
"Do you think I deserved this Craig?"
"Ash, no one asks to get cancer…I guess it just happens."
"Well, why me? Is this my fault? Have I been a bad person or something?" I asked.
"Don't blame this on yourself, Ash. You're going to make it through this." He reassured me.
"How could you be so sure?"
"I—I don't know." He looked down at the steps we were sitting on.
"We're gonna catch hell for this, you know…cutting class and all." He tried to make the situation lighter; I smiled a little.
"I'm scared, Craig." I admitted, the tears that were brimming under my eyes had threatened to fall.
"I know." He whispered as he wrapped his arm around me; I rested my head on his shoulder.
"I know." He repeated as I closed my eyes.
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AN: Where going to step out of Ashley's POV for a minute.)
"Daughters…" Ashley's mother Kate muttered as she picked up Ashley's dirty laundry on the ground.
"So messy." Kate mumbled. She felt like she didn't know her daughter anymore. She kept slipping away from her ever since their little argument. Lately Ashley had become very secretive She started to remove her bed spread and sheets, when she came across Ashley's Journal.
"Hmm…what's this?" She pondered as she picked up the brown book. Kate contemplated on whether to read it or not.
"I have to respect my daughter's privacy." Kate whispered to herself as she put the book back down on Ashley's bed. She was about to walk out the room, but the book seemed like it was calling her…she was being allured to the journal. She just had to read it.
Just as she was about to open the journal she heard the door slam downstairs. She jumped a little, dropped the book and hurriedly left the room and went into the bathroom.
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AN: Back to Ash's pov.
"Mom! I'm home!" I shouted, knowing she was upstairs…but she didn't hear me. I heavily sighed as I stepped over to the answering machine. I clicked the button,
"You have 3 new messages." The automated voice said. I clicked another button to hear the messages.
"Ash…your in deep. How could you cut class like that? Did something happen? Give me a call, alright." I heard Paige's worried voice say. I deleted the message and went on to the next message.
"Hey. It's me, Ellie. Call me when you get a chance okay, you've been acting really weird lately." I smiled at Ellie's message…always looking out for someone. The smile quickly faded off of my face as I heard the next message.
"Ms. Kerwin, this is Dr. Meadows. I've called to let you know about your daughter's medical health. Uh…as I can see your not home right now, but when you get a chance call my office immediately. Your daughter's very sick, the sooner you know the better." I was in a loss for words. How dare he call my house and tell my parents. I was going to tell them…. well eventually.
I threw the answer machine off the table in anger. I flinched as I heard it crash into the wall.
"Ashley get up here right now!" I heard my mother shout sternly. What did I do now? I slowly trudged up the stairs, not in the mood for what my mother had to say.
"Yes?" I asked as I approached the bathroom. She turned over from whatever she was staring at in the wastebasket.
"What?" I asked, not sure off what I did.
"Ashley, what is this?" My mother asked as she held up an old pregnancy stick. Damn! The pregnancy stick…I forgot about that. Fear started to take over me, afraid of what my punishment would be.
"Um—a p-pregnancy test." I stuttered nervously, looking at the ground.
"Well it's certainly not mine." She said.
"I know." I whispered.
"And it's certainly not Toby's. So that means one person, you." I could tell my mother's anger was building up.
"It's not what you think." I tried to explain.
"Oh really? What do I think Ashley?" I backed up out of the bathroom.
"I'm not pregnant."
"Well then why the hell is it here?!" She shouted at me, unleashing all of her anger.
"I took it a couple of weeks ago." I whispered.
"Your having sex, Ashley?"
"I don't think that's any of your business." I whispered.
"Yes it is my business Ashley! I'm your mother!" I started to back up more as she came closer to me.
"Just leave me alone!" I shouted…I didn't know why I shouted. I was in the wrong here…and I was in deep.
"Leave you alone! LEAVE YOU ALONE!" Her voice started to rise.
"What else have you been keeping from me, Ashley?" She asked, suspiciously.
"Nothing." I lied.
"You're lying." She whispered.
"Look, I'm sorry I can't be your little perfect child! I'm not Toby! I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be! It was a mistake, mom. A little mistake! I'm not pregnant, and that's all the matters!" I shouted, my voice started to shake and breathing was getting shallow.
"This has nothing to do with that, Ashley. You lied to me!"
"Why does everything have to be about you?" I asked as I reached the end of the staircase. For some strange reason, my vision started to get blurry. It was like a retake from earlier today. I started to feel light headed; I couldn't hold my self up any longer.
"Are you listening to me?" I heard my mother yell at me…but I couldn't concentrate on her. My vision started to darken…I was loosing it.
"Ashley!" Kate shouted as she watched Ashley fall on the floor.
"Ashley, this is not the time to play!" Her mother clearly thought Ashley was joking.
"Ashley!" She shouted as she crouched down, to test her pulse.
It was fading fast.
"Ashley? Oh god…don't do this to me, Ashley." She cried frantically to her unconsciousness daughter. Kate quickly grabbed the phone and called 911…she didn't know what was happening to her daughter. She was scared.