January 1st, 2004
Dear Journal,
Things have changed in the recent months leading into the New Year. The band has changed, the music has changed. I have changed. By no means am I unhappy for this change and the band seems to be at the top of the rock charts, however, things are different. Once being boys who were very much androgynus have grown into men. I actually enjoy this new masculinity. The only one who really hasn't changed is Shin-chan. I'm glad for that. Shin-chan...he's so sweet. I find myself thinking about him often. I guess I always have. His aura of mystery appeals to me so much that I find myself prying into his life just to know more about him. True, he's my polar oppostie. So quiet and reserved, while I'm so energetic and emotional. Sometimes it's creeping to sit back and watch him. It's like he's in a trance, a little world of his own where only he's admitted. Ah well...everyone has their quirks. I often sit back and ask myself what this self-induced obssession means. Why is he constantly on my mind? Could it be that I'm attracted to him? The idea to me seems fucking rediculous. I've never been attracted to men before and belive me when I say that I have had many late night sessions with beautiful women, fangirls included. But a man? Maybe it's something to do with the fact that Shin-chan is still feminine. No...that doesn't seem right. What is it about our lovely drummer that intrigues me from the deepest core of my being? I know that if I ever approached him with these questions he'd laugh in my face. I don't think any of my bandmates know of my secret obssession, my incessant longing for the pretty drummer. Gods, I must sound pathetic. I wouldn't even tell my best friend, Kyo. My adorable best friend. He has enough of his own problems. He's not afraid to admit his longing for our leader-sama. Kaoru's so oblivious to things like that. Work work work...that's his motto. What happened to Shin-chan to make him the silent beauty he is. I doubt I'll ever know.
Toshiya
The bassist sighed as he shut his journal, tucking it safely back into his night stand drawer. It was close to two o'clock in the morning and sleep was barely reaching him that night. It'd been like this that past couple of nights and it was showing in his work. Maybe he felt lonely since he'd finally gotten his own place a little less then a year ago. At first it had been great. He reveled in the peacefulness and being able to have things how he liked them. Now it was almost uninviting. Toshiya didn't get it, since when did he care about having someone around. He was only twenty-seven but the numerous one-night stands with women were starting to bore him. After a while they all started to seem alike, feel alike. There was hardly anything fun in it anymore. The last girl he'd been with was a total fiasco. She'd come onto him so strong that he'd actually gotten up and left the room as fast as possible. She'd hunted him down the next day and ripped him up one side and down the other in front of his bandmates. The bassist was so humiliated that he locked himself in his house for two days. They still joked about it six months later.
Shinya...that was a name that had splashed across Toshiya's name for the last half a year. It was pitiful how the pretty drummer could make Toshiya's breath hitch when he walked into the room. What was really making him sick to his stomach, Toshiya was starting to understand all those corny, mushy love songs. Were people right about him? Was he what they called a slut? The thought frustrated him. True he had slept around a lot in the past but it'd been nearly six months since he'd had sex and it seemed as though everything agitated him. Kyo teased him constantly about this particular sabbatical of Toshiya's.
The bassist curled up under the blankets of his bed and switched the lights off. Laying in the dark, Toshiya let his thoughts swirl around in his head. What more could he do then tell Shinya of his feelings. He was pretty sure he'd get the boot once all was revealed. The thought left a bad taste in the back of Toshiya's mouth. How could he explain things to Shinya when he wasn't even sure he understood things himself. Was he gay? No, that didn't seem right. He still liked women way too much. Bisexual, maybe? That seemed a more proper term. Still, he knew he couldn't be sure until he experienced his own gender. The only person he had any desire to experiment with was Shinya. Ah well. What was the point in worrying over a trivial matter.
Shinya curled up on the chair in the studio, headphones in place, eyes closed. Ah, how he savored break time. How he loved to tone down his mind with the soft pop that he so enjoyed. He figured people would think he was weird for listening to pop music and playing in a rock band. He didn't much care though. The drummer didn't torture his bandmates with the cheery, sultry music. Shinya sighed softly, his favorite song playing softly. It was the only song that made his blood stir. So many memories wrapped up into that particular song. The drummer shivered and once again stepped into another world, his world. He knew he should leave the past in the past but sometimes it creeped up on him when least expected. It was painful, so painful, these memories. It was the reason why he was such a quiet reserved person. He wouldn't dare allow anyone into his heart again, not to be ripped away again. He'd barely lived through it the first time and a second time would surely kill him. He was all right with living like a spinster. He'd done it up until recently. Recently, something had stirred inside of him, triggered by a person he'd least expected to have an affect on him. Shinya quickly wiped the thought from his mind. He couldn't date one of his bandmates and he convinced himself that he had no desire too.
Still yet, Toshiya was so sweet to him. Very caring and loving. He guessed he shouldn't chalk that up to much. Toshiya was always sweet to his bandmates. He was energetic and charismatic and really hot. Shinya felt a blush creep into his cheeks, a slight smile spreading over his pretty face. Oh this was rich, he thought to himself. The drummer opened his eyes, shaking his head. He really should learn to control his thoughts from running rampant. He switched the CD player to the next song, grateful this one was more upbeat and happy. Tossing his dreadlocked hair over his shoulder, he curled up against the chair, deciding to get a quick nap.
" Totchi-kun....Toshiya! " Kyo growled, faintly annoyed. " OI, BAKA! " The vocalist tossed a guitar pick at the bassist's head, smacking him between the eyes.
Toshiya snapped to attention. " Jesus Christ. What, Kyo? " The bassist knit his brow, chucking the pick back at his friend.
" Kaoru and Die are going to order out. What do you want to eat? " Kyo asked sweetly.
" Whatever. They know what I like. " Toshiya shrugged. He'd been in a daze, watching the object of his affection sleeping on the chair. He was entirely to beautful when he slept. It stirred every fiber of Toshiya's being.
" What's with you? Why are you acting all weird? " Kyo asked, knitting his brow.
" What are you babbling about? " Toshiya snapped.
" Ah forget it. I need to use the facility. Will you go ask Shin-chan what he wants for lunch and tell me when I get back? " The vocalist stood and left the room without an answer.
Shaking his head, faintly irritated; Toshiya stood and made his way slowly over to Shinya. He stood over the smaller man and smiled faintly. He looked so peaceful that Toshiya barely had the heart to wake him. He gazed at the sleeping beauty for a few minutes, taking in his shape. Slowly, he reached a hand towards the man, wanting to touch that silky hair of his. He was so close when Shinya's eyes suddenly snapped open and he let out a squeak of surprise, startling Toshiya as well. The bassist jumped back in spite of himself, blushing.
" Toshiya! What the hell were you doing? " Shinya gasped, sitting upright.
" I-I was coming to wake you up for lunch. " Toshiya stuttered. " I didn't mean to scare you. Gomen ne. "
Shinya took a deep breath, eyes narrowing on the bassist. " Why were you standing over me? I could feel you leering over me. That's why I woke up. "
" I didn't mean to, Shin-chan. Honest. Kyo-kun asked me to wake you up and asked what you wanted to eat. That's all. " Toshiya didn't faulter and breathed a sigh of relief when the drummer nodded.
" Gomen, Totchi. You just startled me. " Shinya stood, smoothing out his clothes. " Don't worry about it. I'll go talk to Kyo-kun. "
Toshiya nodded, faintly disappointed that the other was leaving the room. He didn't want to follow him, he couldn't. With no one around, it would give him just to much oppurtunity to jump the smaller man.
" All right. "
Shinya smiled sweetly at him before leaving the room. Toshiya's heart fluttered, Shinya's smile making him still more gorgeous. Once alone, Toshiya cursed himself aloud for nearly getting caught molesting his vulnerable band mate. He'd so badly wanted to touch the man, stroke his silky dreads lovingly. Oh Gods! What the hell was wrong with him. All these emotions whirled inside his stomach, making him feel queasy. Shaking his head to clear it, Toshiya flopped onto the couch, disgusted with himself.
" You're a pussy, Hara. " he mumbled to himself.