Shinya shuffled through his mail as he flopped on the couch in the living room of his apartment. Nothing exciting that he saw right away, bills, junkmail, adds. He almost tossed the pile of envelopes onto the coffee table when a brightly blue colored envelope caught his attention. Blinking, the drummer seperated the blue envelope from the rest of them and looked at the return address, his breath hitching in his throat. With a trembling hand, Shinya opened the envelope and pulled out the one paged letter. He didn't have to read it to know what it contained but still, he hoped to prove himself wrong. Taking a deep breath, Shinya read the letter:

Dearest Shinya,

I know that it's been eight years since we last spoke and I must have started writing you a millions letters over the past eight years but I could never find the right words to say to you. I hope that this letter doesn't rip you apart like it did me to write it. Please, Shin-chan, hear what I have to say.

As you well know, Kotori's 26th birthday is fast approaching and my family has decided to have a ceremony dedicated to him. I am personally inviting you to join us. I know that the family would love to see you. They loved you as if you were their own son. You were such a wonderful man to Kotori. I am hoping that you will come. I too, would love to see you again.

Sincerely,

Suguru Risa

Shinya let a breath out as he finished the letter, his thoughts racing a mile a minute. He blinked back tears fighting the want to cry like hell. He hadn't cried in eight years and he'd be damned if he'd start again now. How was this supposed to help anything? Did he really want to take that step back in time? To thrust himself into his most painful memory that he'd worked so hard to bury. He answered his own question immediately. He had to go. He had to have that bit of closure or he would never be able to move on fully. He would keep his promise though. He would never fall in love again. He'd rather live his life alone then go through that kind of pain again. No, he couldn't fall in love. He wouldn't even give in to the person he wanted to most. His precious bassist.

Toshiya looked around at his friend's blank stares. Shinya had just told them that he had an emergency and would need to take a few days off. God fucking forbid he gave a reason to this short notice escape.

" Where are you going? " The bassist blurted out.

" Back to Osaka. " Shinya answered simply.

" Well why? " Toshiya persisted.

Shinya knit his brow, faintly annoyed. " It's something I have to take care of. What's with all the damn questions? "

Toshiya blinked. " I just thought we should know why you're all of a sudden taking off for a week. "

" Fucking hell, Toshiya. No one else is questioning me so why are you? It's a personal emergency that needs to be taken care of. " Shinya snapped.

Toshiya fell silent immediately. Shinya was leaving for a week. A week without his beautiful drummer. It seemed to long to him. On top of everything else, Shinya wouldn't tell them why he was leaving. Goddamnit, they were his friends and he was being secretive.

" Well, I guess we'll have to put recording off for the week. " Kaoru sighed, softly.

" Gomen ne, Kao-kun. " Shinya's voice was soft.

" It's nothing you can help. I might be the leader here but I'm not heartless. Take what time you need. " The guitarist smiled softly as he patted Shinya's back.

Toshiya kept his eyes off of Shinya, focusing on anything he possibly could. He failed miserably and his sight traveled back to the drummer. His gaze was soft as he saw Shinya press his lips together in a tight line. He hated when the drummer did that, it hid his beautiful lips. Lips that Toshiya so desperately wanted to kiss. Damn, why was he thinking like this. Shinya was a man, a fellow bandmember. Somehow though, none of that seemed to matter to the bassist. What it'd be like to feel the drummers skin trembling under his touch, tasting his soft skin, savoring it. A warm feeling uncurled in Toshiya's stomach, shooting right down to the center of his member. His long deprived member. Standing suddenly, Toshiya excused himself and darted out of the room to the bathroom. Six months had been to long, way to long. Once at a sink, the bassist splashed cold water over his face and neck, taking a deep breath. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he acting like a horny schoolboy?

Shinya frowned and looke to his bandmates. Toshiya's actions had been confusing the hell out him lately. The glances he got from Toshiya when the bassist didn't think he was looking, standing over him while he was sleeping. And was it lust that Shinya spotted in his eyes. It couldn't be. Toshiya as far as he knew only slept with women. The drummer chalked it up to Toshiya teetering on the edge of insanity from six months of no sex. Maybe it was because Shinya was the most feminine of his bandmates. Yes, that's all it was. Shinya sighed, wishing it wasn't really that way. Still, he couldn't let those thoughts distract him from what he had to do. Besides, he wouldn't break his vow.

" Is it just me or has Totchi-kun been acting really odd lately? " Die asked, an eyebrow arched.

" You would to if you went six months without sex. " Kyo countered, smiling faintly.

" Yeah but he's become a totally different person. He's not as cheerful. " Die said quietly, thinking.

" He'll come around when he gets back into the groove of things. " Kyo nodded matter-of-factly.

Die shrugged, deciding it wasn't best to argue with their short-tempered vocalist. People didn't usually come out unharmed after having a go at Kyo.

Shinya finished packing his bags around eleven that night and looked around his modest room, sighing heavily. Standing, the drummer walked to his closet and stood on tiptoe as he pulled down a tattered shoebox. He'd had that shoebox since he was fourteen and it held some of his most precious possessions. Sitting down on his bed, Shinya opened the shoebox and pulled the contents from it, spreading them over the comforter. Tears formed around the drummer's eyes as he picked up a pair of engraved drumsticks. A gift from Kotori. He hadn't looked at those drumsticks once in the past eight years. They were definately old, anyone could see that but Shinya had kept them safe in the shoebox.

Frustrated with himself for being weak, Shinya shoved the drumsticks back into the shoebox along with the rest of his things and chucked the box into a chair across the room. The drummer flopped back on his bed and stared at the cieling, impatiently wiping away a few stray tears. You will not do this, he chided himself. You will not fucking cry!

Toshiya panted heavily as he raced from the parking lot at the airport and to Shinya's terminal. He'd gotten up late and missed saying goodbye to Shinya with the rest of his bandmates. He was not going to let Shinya get on that plane without saying goodbye. Plus, he had something he wanted to give to Shinya before he left. Toshiya's heart fell as he hit a line waiting to get through the metal detectors to the terminal. Fuck fuck fuck, he cursed himself. He would definately miss Shinya now. Bouncing impatiently, the bassist waited for his turn. Finally he passed the security and started his mile dash again. The bassist skid to a stop at the gate, looking around desperately for Shinya. To Toshiya's almighty relief, Shinya was just about to board before the bassist called to him.

" Shin-chan! Shin-chan, wait! " Toshiya sprinted up to him, taking deep breaths, trying like hell to regain his breath from the run.

" Totchi-kun, what the hell? " Shinya blinked, looking over his worn out bandmate. " Why were you running? "

Toshiya wheezed for a moment. Damn he needed to quit smoking. Straigtening up, he looked to Shinya. " I came to say goodbye. I didn't want you to leave without saying goodbye and...I brought you this."

Toshiya handed Shinya a monkey plushie with a blushed smile. The toy was old and worn, Shinya figured the bassist had had him since childhood. He guessed right.

" His name's Ta-chan, I've had him since I was a baby. I know it's not much but I thought you might like to keep him with you. He's a very good watch-monkey. " Toshiya laughed softly.

Shinya's heart fluttered as he took the monkey from Toshiya. He smiled brightly to Toshiya before hugging his friend tightly. " Arigatou, Totchi-kun. Arigatou..." the man whispered.

Toshiya hugged friend back, breathing in his scent. " Don't mention it. " The bassist held the younger man close to him, never wanting to let go. He felt so good, his slim body pressed against his own. It nearly borke his heart to let the drummer go. Before he knew what he was doing, Toshiya's hands were cupping the drummer's face lightly and his lips were pressed against the smaller man's in a gently, yet satisfying kiss.

Shinya could barely think as Toshiya's warm lips touched his own. What was he doing? Why was he leaving? The world seemed to be melting around the two of them and Shinya was returning the kiss before he knew it. A soft moan escapred the drummer as Toshiya's tongue slipped past his lips, exploring his mouth, hot and wet. Oh Gods! This was too much. Why was he leaving this? His body shuddered involuntarily as his answer crashed over him. Pulling away from the kiss, Shinya panted softly, studying his bandmate.

Toshiya shivered, he'd waited so long for that kiss and it had ended way to soon. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream for Shinya not to leave. It was only a week, but so much could happen in that time. What if Shinya decided not to come back from Osaka. What reason did he have to be so secretive? Toshiya knew what it was. There must be someone there that Shinya was going to see. A lover maybe? The thought pounded at the base of Toshiya's scull. If that was it, it would break his heart.

" I...have to go...Totchi..." Shinya whispered softly, forcing an indifferent expression.

" I know..." Toshiya took a shaky breath. Oh the pain he was in! The agony. Without another word, the bassist turned on his heel and walked out of the terminal, his head hanging. He hates me, Toshiya thought wearily to himself.

Shinya forced himself to turn around and get on the plane. Why did Toshiya do that. Didn't he know that a simple gesture like that would kill him, that bastard! Oh how he wanted to ring the man's neck for putting him in this kind of predicament, and still at the same time he wanted to turn himself over to Toshiya. He wanted to feel the man against him, inside him. Touching, feeling, kissing. Shinya growled at himself to stop thinking on it. He successfully pushed his erotic thoughts to the back of his head and settled in as the plane took off for Osaka.

January 4th, 2004

Dear Journal,

I kissed Shinya today before he left for Osaka. Oh Gods! It was the best feeling in the world. I've waited so long for that kiss and it finally happened. Now, I regret it. Shinya must hate me for taking advantage of him in a vulnerable situation. When he looked at me it was total indifference. What do I do now? Swallow my feelings? I'll have too or Shin-chan will hate me for it. I can't have that. It would kill me if Shin-chan hated me. I'll always want him as my friend if nothing else. I'm so lost now.

Toshiya