Toshiya stormed into his apartment, not caring that the doorknob would leave a huge hole in the wall that he would have to fix later. He was so angry and so hurt he could barely see straight. Kaoru and Shinya? That seemed impossible. What would Kyo think if he would have walked in on the two all cuddled up together? Toshiya stopped, his eyes narrowing in thought. What would Kyo think? Should Toshiya go and tell Kyo that his sought after lover has spent last night with Shinya in his arms. Toshiya shuddered at the thought of how Kyo would react. Maybe that was a little too extreme. Kyo's temper wasn't the best and all hell broke loose when he got upset. Shaking his head, Toshiya wiped the idea of an alliance with Kyo from his thoughts and sulked to his room. The bassist flopped onto his bed and stared up at the cieling for a few minutes. Finally, he reached a blind hand to his nightstand and opened it, extracting his journal and pen from the drawer. Moving to his side, Toshiya opened it to a blank page and began to write.
January 9th, 2004
Dear Journal,
What am I supposed to do now? Have I totally blown things with Shinya now? Yesterday I forced myself on him in the studio. Even though he shoved me away and looked right pissed about it, his body had responded like he wanted me to go on. This morning I went to his apartment to talk to him and no one answered the door when I knocked. The door was unlocked so I went inside and found Shinya curled up asleep in Kaoru's arms. I was so angry that I ran out of the apartment as fast as I could, tears stinging my eyes the whole way. Maybe I am making to much of it but it hurt so bad. And Kaoru? What was he thinking? How could he do that to Kyo, knowing how much the little man adores him? Is this Shin-chan's way of telling me that I have no chance after what I'd done? Have I truly blown it with the most wonderful person in the world. Why the hell does he have to be so fucking secretive all the time. I'm still dwelling on why he went back to Osaka. It doesn't matter, nothing does now. He's lost to me forever and I only have myself to blame. I've screwed up royally. Gods how I hate Kaoru at this moment. I want to wrap my hands around his neck and just throttle him. Not only for seducing Shin-chan, but for sleeping around when Kyo is aching to be with him. I'll never forgive him for this.
Toshiya
The bassist closed his journal and tears stung his eyes again as he put the little book away. He felt like his heart was breaking into two. He pulled his blanket up around himself and curled up on his bed. He was so tired, so sad. He needed to sleep for a little while. Screw the band and the photoshoot today. He didn't have the energy to deal with any of it.
Shinya looked around the photographer's studio anxiously for Toshiya. They needed to talk and talk right now. Shinya couldn't let the misunderstanding of that morning go unresolved. The drummer looked at his watch and sighed in frustrationg. He should have been here twenty minutes ago. Oh Kaoru was going to have kittens if that bassist didn't show up soon. Stepping outside, Shinya took his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Toshiya's number. He couldn't have over overslept, Toshiya was always up no later then eight, alarm or no alarm. One of the reason's Kyo had moved out as soon as possible. Two rings, three rings, by the fifth ring the answering machine picked up and Shinya gave up, stuffing his phone back in his pocket. Maybe something had happened to him. Maybe he was really sick. Whatever the reason, the band was going to have one very unhappy leader.
Taking a breath, the drummer walked back into the studio and met his expectant leader face to face.
" Well? " Kaoru asked, tensing faintly. " Did you get a hold of him? "
" I-ie..." Shinya shook his head. " I got his machine. "
" Did you try his cell? "
" I did early. It was turned off. "
Kaoru's head was buzzing and he let out a frustrated sigh. Wait til he got his hands on the bassist. He'd choke a good reason out of him. " Shinya, go to his house and get him. Break down the door, I don't care. Just make sure he gets here. "
" What?! Why me? Send Kyo to do it! " Shinya shrilled at their leader.
" Kyo is the first in line for photos, by the time the photographer gets done with the three of us, you and Toshiya should be here. " Kaoru persisted.
" Kyo and I can change positions. Please don't make me go. " Shinya pleaded. Meeting Toshiya in public to talk out their differences was one thing but going to his home was a totally rediculous idea.
Kaoru tensed. " Please Shin-chan. I don't have the time to deal with this right now. Just do as I ask this one time. "
Sighing in defeat and shooting his leader a hateful look, Shinya turned on his heel and left the studio. It was still cold and the drummer pulled his coat tighter around him. How could Kaoru be so cruel. Because he wasn't thinking about anything other then work at the moment. The gray January sky reflected Shinya's mood as he walked along the streets of Tokyo. He was glad Toshiya apartment wasn't to far from the studio or else Shinya might die of hypothermia by the time he got there.
Fifteen minutes later, Shinya was outside Toshiya's apartment door and knocked loudly. No answer just as he expected. Rather then waisting his time on knocking, the drummer tested the doorknob. Damn, it was locked. Smirking, Shinya dug through his pocket. A couple minutes later he smiled in delight as he pulled a bobby hair pin from his pocket that he shoved in their earlier. Crouching to be eye level with the doorknob he proceeded to pick the lock with the hair pin. So the skills of his misspent childhood could still come in handy. Imagine that he'd been a tomboy when he was ten years old. The thought nearly made the drummer curl up with laughter.
It took less then a minutes before the door popped open and Shinya was inside the apartment, putting the hair pin back in his pocket. The drummer padded across Toshiya's apartment quietly and into the hall. He took a minute to compose himself before looking past Toshiya's partially open bedroom door. He shook his head faintly at the bassist outlined form under the blankets. The drummer felt his heart clench as he made his way over to the bed and sat on the edge lightly.
" Konnichi wa, Shin-chan. " Toshiya said softly, his voice muffled by the blankets.
" How'd you know it was me? " Shinya asked
" Anyone else would have come and piled on top of me. Besides, no one wears whatever that scent you like is. "
Shinya smiled faintly and nodded. " Toshiya why are you still in bed? Kaoru is tearing around the studio like a madman because you're not there. "
" I don't feel very good, Shin-chan. I'd appreciate it if everyone just left me alone. " Toshiya replied, not removing the blanket from his head.
" Even me? " the drummer asked meekly
" Yes, especially you and Kaoru. " Toshiya's voice was harsher then he wanted it to be.
Shinya was taken aback by the tone the bassist had directed at him. This was going to be harded then he thought.
" Totchi, please. Don't be like that. It wasn't what you thought at all- " Shinya was cut off by the bassist suddenly sitting up and facing him. His dark eyes burned in the drummer, sending a chill down his spine.
" It wasn't what I thought? How am I supposed to think when you're curled up with Kaoru all night. Especially how irate you were with me over what happened in the studio. Goddamnit! I'm sorry I forced myself on you Shinya but I didn't think it would drive you into someone else's arms! "
" Ie ie! You've got it all wrong! Toshiya please just listen. " Shinya pleaded, reaching out to touch the other's cheek.
" There's nothing to listen to. " Toshiya growled, slapping the drummer's hand away. " Don't touch me, or talk to me for awhile. I don't want to hear excuses about what happened. "
Shinya blinked back the tears that stung his eyes. He couldn't believe Toshiya wasn't giving him the chance to explain himself. The drummer stood and nodded faintly.
" Gomen ne, Totchi. I didn't mean to hurt you. " The drummer turned on his heel and left the room. What the hell was he going to tell Kaoru?
Toshiya jumped up from the bed and let out a frustrated scream, putting his fist through the wall in his anger. He wanted to run after Shinya and attach himself the younger man's leg and beg forgiveness, beg to be given a chance but his pride wouldn't let him. His pride told him that would allow someone to have control over him. No one had control over Hara Toshimasa, no one!
Hours later, eleven o'clock to be exact the bassist sat hunched over a drink at one of the bars near his home. He was completely bombed but kept right on drinking. If he could just drown his problems in alcohol, he'd be all set.
" Excuse me? Are you Toshiya? " a voice interupted his thoughts.
Toshiya turned to face the pretty girl next to him. The bassist nodded drunkenly, letting his eyes wander over the girl. She spoke perfect Japanese but she wasn't Japanese. She was an American. How exciting, Toshiya thought to himself. He'd never slept with and American before.
" Yeah, that's me. And...who are you? " the bassist asked.
The girl smiled brightly. " I'm Kira. "
" Kira..." Toshiya let the name roll off his tongue. " It's pretty. I like it. "
" Thank you, " Kira blushed faintly. " I just wanted to say that I really like your band. I was at your last concert. You guys are amazing. "
Toshiya smiled brightly. " Why thank you. Would you like to dance? " He gestured to the dance floor.
" I'd love too. " she replied.
Toshiya stumbled into Kira's apartment, his arm slung around the girl's shoulders. Come to find out she was only twenty-one and teaching English at a local high school. Not that any of that mattered to Toshiya, he just wanted what she had to offer and goddamn did she have a killer body. The two intoxicants made it to the couch before flopping down on it precariously. Kira giggled as she kissed Toshiya's jawline, his neck, her hands sliding over his chest seductively. The bassist was on fire at her touch, his body responding on it's own. How long it had been since he'd felt a woman's touch, or anyone's for that matter.
Kira moved to straddle his lap and Toshiya wondered if she would be doing this if she was sober. Probably not. She didn't give him the vibe of a fangirl slut. Still, who was he to argue? He let his hands wander up her sides and to the front of her button down shirt. Impatiently he unbuttoned them and slid the shirt off her shoulders exposing a red-laced bra covering her full breasts. He let his lips caress the soft skin of her cleavage as he unhooked her bra and discarded it to the floor. Kira let her held fall back, sighing softly in pleasure. Her hand ran through the bassist's hair and down the back of his neck. Enough of the games, she was to anxious to see what Toshiya had to offer her. She undid his pants in a hurry and lifted his shirt off of him. Toshiya tensed faintly as Kira's hand slid her hand into his boxers and stroked his cock lightly. Resting his head against the back of his couch and closed his eyes, willing his body to relax. Why was he punishing himself? This is what he wanted right? A beautiful girl wanting him to use her. Toshiya gasped softly as an image of Shinya ran through his head. This was wrong. He didn't love this girl, he loved Shin-chan. The only person he'd ever loved.
Kira must have taken his gasp as one for pleasure because she lowered herself to her knees and blew lightly on his length. Letting out a sigh of defeat, he moved his hand to Kira's cheek and forced her to look at him gently.
" Don't...please..." He whispered.
Kira blinked, confused. " Toshiya-san? What did I do wrong? "
" You didn't do anything wrong. I...just can't do this. " The bassist replied, pulling his shirt back on.
Kira frowned deeply as she pulled her shirt back on, not bothering to button it entirely. " Do you mind if I ask why? "
Toshiya pulled his pants up and buttoned them. " I love someone and you're not that person. If I slept with you it would only be out of spite and I don't want to do that to you, or him, or even myself. I'm sorry, Kira. I hope you'll forgive me. "
Kira smiled faintly. " I understand. It seems you and I have something in common. "
Toshiya blinked, confused for a minute. Them he smiled, a light clicking on in his head. " Really now? You were just going to use me too? "
" I'm guilty. " Kira blushed deeply. She stood and smiled to the man in front of her. " Gomen nasai. "
Toshiya laughed as he looked the girl over. So he wasn't the only one in pain right now. He wondered if this girl would have actually gone through with sleeping with him or if her conscience would have kicked in. He hoped the latter and he'd just gotten the guilt first.
" Ne, Kira-chan, let's not make a total waste of the night. Why don't you join me for coffee and we can talk. Share sob stories. " The bassist suggested.
Kira smiled brightly. " I'd like that very much. Just let me change real quick. "
Shinya sighed deeply as he walked around Tokyo, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. It was cold but he was hoping the fresh air would do him some good. Maybe exerting some energy walking would allow him to sleep when he finally made it home. Things weren't fair. They just weren't fucking fair! How could Toshiya let his pride get in the way so much that he wouldn't even give Shinya the time to explain what had happened. He knew that Toshiya must fear the same thing he had when he woke that morning in Kaoru's arms. It didn't happen though. He wasn't sore from anything and he trusted Kaoru with his life.
Shinya came to a small coffee shop and decided to stop for a cup of tea. Herbal tea always made him feel better when he was down. He was three feet away from the door when it suddenly swung open and out came Toshiya with his arm slung around a petite American girl's shoulders. They laughed together as if they'd known eachother for years. Shinya felt his throat constrict and his heart start to pound so loudly he'd thought passersby would hear it. Who was this girl? Why was Toshiya holding her close like a significant other. The drummer's mind whirled with questions. Gathering his courage, Shinya stepped in front of the two.
" Toshiya-san! " Shinya growled, anger flooding his eyes.
Toshiya's breath caught in his throat as he looked up to meet Shinya's angry eyes. " Shin-chan? What are you doing here? "
" I should be asking you the same thing! Actually I should be asking you who you're here with. " Shinya's voice trembled faintly.
" She's a friend, Shin-chan. I met her at a bar tonight and we decided to stop for coffee. Nothing more or less. " Toshiya stepped away from Kira and towards Shinya. " Not like you should give a fuck. You should run home to Kaoru. Let him ease your pains. "
Shinya's hand clenched into fists as he looked at the bassist's smirking eyes. They were taunting him, just antagonizing Shinya to the core. Like a flash of lightening, Shinya struck out and his fist collided with Toshiya's jaw, knocking the bassist against a wall.
" I hate you Hara Toshimasa! " Shinya spat at him. " I hate you! "
Before he could pounce the bassist and beat some sense into him, Shinya turned on his heel and flew down the street at top speed. Tears blinded the drummer's eyes and his breath was ragged from wanting to cry and running. How long would this go on? Why should he be jealous. Wasn't he that didn't want to pursue a relationship with anyone due to his past? Wasn't he that felt he'd be betraying his late lover by being with Toshiya? Nevertheless, jealousy coursed through Shinya's veins like venom, contaminating his innocent heart. No, this couldn't go on. Something's gotta give, the drummer thought.
Toshiya watched Shinya run off, stunned at how the drummer lashed out at him. His jaw ached and he placed his hand over the sore spot. He barely heard Kira asking him if he was alright but snapped back to attention when he snapped her fingers in his face.
" Toshiya-san? I asked if you were alright. " She said, moving his hand gently from the spot on his face where is was already starting to bruise. " Was that Shinya-san? "
" Hai...that was him. " Toshiya replied quietly.
" Gomen ne, Toshiya-san. He looked so angry. Are you sure he doesn't love you? He looked like a cat ready to pounce. " Kira said softly.
" I don't know, Kira. He said he didn't want to be with me and then he turns around and acts like this. I don't know what to think anymore. "
Kira helped the bassist to stand and wrapped an arm around his waist. " Come on, let's get you home. "
It wasn't long before the two of them were outside Toshiya's apartment building and he smiled warmly at Kira.
" Thank you for walking with me. I'm going to pay for a cab to get you home. " He said.
" No thank you. I need to go see someone. He doesn't live far from here. " Kira replied, smiling softly.
" You're going to go see your boyfriend, aren't you? "
" Yes. I need to know if he still loves me and even if he doesn't then I'll have the closure and be able to move on. "
Toshiya smiled and hugged the girl lightly. " You're a great gal, Kira. Please don't be a stranger. "
" You bet I won't. Thanks for the coffee. " Kira kissed his cheek quickly and with a final wave, turned on her heel and walked away.
Toshiya watched her walk until she was out of sight and then went into his apartment and got ready for bed. Tomorrow would be the day. It would have to be. He was damn sick of playing this cat and mouse game with Shinya. First, he would talk to Kyo and seek his advice. Then he would resolve what was left unresolved.