Harry was sitting in his bedroom typing on the computer when he heard a noise. He turned abruptly to his open window and heard a scratching sound.
"I wonder if anybody's there?" he thought. Someone coughed.
Intrigued, he slowly walked over to the window and...
There was nobody there.
Shrugging, he slammed the window shut, and then heard a piercing scream. He looked in horror and saw that he had slammed someone's fingers in the window.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry," Harry exclaimed and opened the window again, where a disgruntled Ron fell in.
"Oh Ron are you alright?" Ron moaned in reply.
All of a sudden, Harry's bedroom door burst open and Uncle Vernon stuck his face in the door. It got jammed.
"Heeeeeres Vernon!" he said. Harry looked at him confused.
"That joke might be a little wasted on you," he said, and then remembered that he was meant to be the evil guy in all of this. He pushed open the door as Harry tried to push him out desperately. Harry spun around, telling Ron to run for it, but he was nowhere to be seen...
"What's going on in here?" Vernon snarled.
"Can you knock?" said Harry angrily.
"I heard screaming," insisted Vernon.
"No you didn't," said Harry innocently.
"Yes I did," said Vernon, "It sounded like a girl."
"Hey!" said Ron, offended.
Vernon raised his eyebrows. Harry looked back at him incredulously.
"I'm a wizard remember...I can throw my voice."
"Yeah...well," said Vernon distractedly. "My flight leaves first thing in the morning. Now the expo runs all weekend, so I won't be back until Sunday. There's cash on the table and..."
"...spend it if its an emergency if I need to," finished Harry. Now it was Vernon's turn to look incredulous.
"When have I EVER given you money?" he said.
"Well there was that time at Christmas when all you gave me was ten cents," said Harry. Vernon chuckled.
"Haha, yeah...good times. Well, bye," and with that, he left Harry's room.
Ron poked his head up from behind Harry's bed where he was hiding. His hand was closed around a puppet.
"Close call!" he said, making the mouth move.
"What are you doing here?" asked Harry.
"It's just occurred to me that I've never snuck through your bedroom window," said Ron, lying on Harry's bed. "By the way, did you really get ten cents for Christmas?"
"Yeah," said Harry glumly.
"Wow," said Ron impressed. "You're so lucky. Anyway, I was just at home watching the Exorcist, and it got me thinking of you."
"Oh it did?" said Harry flirtatiously.
"Yeah, turned me on a little," said Ron. Harry smiled. "Well, lets see if we can help you out a little then." Grabbing his wand, he turned his face away from Ron.
"Impexerimenta Exorcista!"
Harry's head started to turn around in 360-degree circles. His feet rose from the floor and he opened his mouth and puked green vomit everywhere.
"Oh yeah!" said Ron in ecstasy.
Harry grabbed his wand and stuck it up his ass.
"HELL YEAH!" said Ron, now extremely turned on and humping the bed.
"Fuck me! Fuck me!" said Harry thrusting it up harder.
"Oh yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh!" With that last cry, Ron came all over the bed.
Harry returned to his normal self. "Damn, that's going to be a killer to wash," he said. "Oh well, if my aunt Petunia asks, I'll just say Hedwig did it."
Ron nodded, "She'll believe that. Your bird is one horny...bird."
Hedwig hooted and winked at Ron from her cage. Ron blew a kiss back.
"Anyway Ron, you've got to go," said Harry, guiding him to the window.
Ron turned to him. "Hey, you know about that sex stuff? I'm not trying to rush you. I'm only half serious."
"Well..." said Harry, "would you settle for a PG-13 relationship?"
"What's that?" asked Ron.
"Tits and ass," replied Harry. Ron thought about it.
"Okay," nodded Ron. Harry flashed Ron his ass.
"Woah, baby got back!" he said. Harry laughed.
"Is my butt too bootylicious for you?"
"Oh yeah, you go girlfriend!"
"Mm-hmm!"
"Your butt is all that!" said Ron snapping his fingers.
"Yeah, you know it!"
They both smiled, and Harry pulled his pants back up.
"Bye!"
Harry walked into Hogwarts the next day...how he got there remains a mystery because he didn't catch the Hogwarts express...but between you and me, if we can believe that a young boy of eleven can stop an evil lord who's been running things for years, then it won't be hard to believe that Harry just arrived at school the next day by walking, okay?
He walked into the great hall and was greeted with the sight of hundreds of reporters. There were news cameras everywhere and blinding flashes were going off around him. He tried to look vulnerable and scared, until he realised that nobody was focusing on him.
"Er...excuse me?" he said politely. Nobody heard him, there was too much commotion going off in the hall.
"EXCUSE ME!" he yelled. It went silent at once, and everybody turned to him. He gave a little wave. "Yeah, hi, shouldn't you be focusing on me? The boy who lived?"
"Sorry hun," said Rita Skeeter, "but 'the boy who lived' is so over-rated. 'The girl who died' is so in fashion at the moment!"
Harry's mouth dropped open. He was in shock...what did Rita just say...how could it be...
"I am NOT over-rated!" he yelled, but nobody heard him. Huffily, he walked away.
"Can you believe this shit?" said a voice from behind. Harry spun around and saw Hermione.
"What happened?" asked Harry.
"You don't know?" said Hermione in shock. "Casey Becker was killed last night." Harry looked slightly confused.
"You know...that name sounds really familiar." Hermione looked irritated.
"Er Harry, copyright laws...infringement...in other words, get off the subject of the name – quickly!"
"Oh right," said Harry recovering. "So er...what, what happened?"
"Well, she was GUTTED last night!"
Harry's mouth dropped open.
"Like a fish?"
"NO!" shouted Hermione, "NOT like a fish! Fishes cannot be gutted, why does nobody get that? Anyway, her parents found her hanging from a tree, her insides on the outside."
"Do they know who did it?" asked Harry. Hermione shook her head.
"Clueless."
"I love that film!" Harry exclaimed, "But Alicia Silverstone is such a bitch, like cha!"
"No, I meant clueless. They're clueless about who did it; they're interrogating the entire school. They say it's the worst crime since...well, you know what..."
Harry looked blank. "...Er, since you know what?"
"Since you know who did you know what!"
"I don't know who you know who or what you know what is."
"Well...you know who, you know, and, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter. I was trying to say that there hasn't been a crime that bad since Voldermort killed your parents brutally sixteen years ago," she said bluntly.
"Oh, that!" said Harry airily. "So what do they want me to do, save the day again?"
"Probably," said Hermione.
Harry flashed a smile.
"I better get started then..."
Lol, I ended it on that note because I didn't know how to end it. Lol most of the jokes in here are movie related so you have to know your movies I guess. Please leave feedback and ideas, thanks!