Yay, I have reviews, lol! Woohoo I'm excited lol.
Okay, first of all, thanks to SammyBaby who was my very first poster! I'm glad you liked the story, (even though some bits were stupid as you put it, lol)
Also thanks to Sirius-Bond! I'm sorry my story made you laugh in the café, I hope people didn't think you were nuts, lol!
And also thanks to Invisible Voice for reading and reviewing! I hope I updated fast enough for you all!
Anyway, here's chapter three...
Harry was pacing up and down his bedroom at Privet Drive. How he got back so quickly remains a mystery, and as this author can't be bothered to think of a reason, in this story Harry and the rest of the gang will be able to leave Hogwarts anytime they want, okay?!
So as I was saying, Harry was pacing up and down his bedroom at Privet Drive. The phone rang, and he picked it up.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hi," said the voice.
"What do you want?" said Harry, hysterically crying; "I didn't do anything to you! Please, just leave me alone! My boyfriends big and he plays football, and he'll kick the shit out of you!"
"Er...Harry, it's me, Ron."
"Oh, hey Ron," said Harry smoothly. "So, is it alright if I still come over?"
"Sure, no problem," said Ron. "We still have that slight rodent problem though..."
"Well, just tell Ginny to stay at Hermione's then."
"No...I meant an infestation of rodents," explained Ron. Harry sighed.
"I'm a bit fed up of you being poor, Ron."
"Me too," said Ron glumly. "But er...weren't we talking about the killer?"
"No..." said Harry. His eyes widened. "We weren't talking about the killer! I didn't mention any killer to you! How do you know about him?"
"I...er..." said Ron before the phone went dead.
"Weird," exclaimed Harry, "Its as almost as though I touched a nerve when I asked Ron about how he knew the killer." He shrugged.
Ten minutes later, the phone rang again.
"Hi," said Harry brightly.
"Seven days," said the voice vaguely.
"Oh my god, NO!" shouted Harry. "I don't want to die, NOOOOO!"
The voice gave a polite cough but Harry didn't pay attention.
"I didn't even see the ring. I don't even have a ring! In fact, with the competition being so stiff by Lord of the Rings, Warner Brothers have forbid me to have anything to do with rings!"
The voice gave another cough, louder this time.
"And the only video tape I've saw that I wasn't meant to was where Draco was dressed up as a –"
"AHEM!" The voice interrupted abruptly.
"I wasn't actually wasn't talking to you," said the voice. "I was just telling my friend the name of the Craig David song. The one where he sings about the girl he sees on all the different days."
"Oh," said Harry happily, "I know it, its called seven days!"
"No shit," said the voice.
"Oh...well, er, who is this?"
"You tell me," said the voice.
"Er...I don't know."
"What's your favourite scary movie?" asked the voice.
"Oh, gosh...erm, lets see...well, I guess that Larry Botter and the Sorcerer's Pebble was pretty scary. But I don't watch that crap anyway."
"And why is that?" asked the voice.
"Well it's always the same isn't it? Some stupid evil lord stalking some dumb little boy who can't act, who's always running into fights when he should be at home studying, it's insulting!"
There was a brief silence. "That...didn't make sense," said the voice.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up Ron."
"Well, what if I told you...I'm NOT Ron?"
Loud atmospheric music filled the house deafeningly. Harry turned around angrily.
"Hey will you knock it off?" he yelled at the orchestra band. They looked disheartened and packed up their instruments and went on their way.
"So, if you're not Ron, who are you?" he said, returning to the phone conversation.
"The question isn't who am I," said the voice matter-of-factly, "the question is WHERE am I?"
"So er...WHERE are you?" asked Harry.
"Your front porch," said the voice.
There was a dramatic pause. "I don't have a porch," said Harry finally.
"Liar," laughed the voice.
"No, really I don't. You must be at the wrong house."
"Really?" asked the voice disbelievingly. "Hang on, I'll go check..." Harry listened intently as he heard a doorbell being rung on the phone. He heard the voice mutter a few words, and then he spoke back to Harry.
"Are you there?"
"Yeah, I'm still here," said Harry.
The voice chuckled good-naturedly. "Stupid me was at the wrong house."
Harry laughed. "Easy mistake," he said. "So, where are you?"
"I'm watching you now...can you see me?"
"Well, er...no, I'm still in my bedroom."
The voice cursed angrily. "Well, you've missed your cue damn it! You were meant to be downstairs when I did the porch talk."
"Oh right, sorry," said Harry and ran downstairs. He flung open his front door.
"Can you see me now? I can see you," taunted the voice.
"Really?" said Harry. He stuck his finger up his nose. "What am I doing then, huh?"
"Picking your nose you grossbag!" said the voice. Harry was stunned.
"Er...okay, so er...what am I doing now?" He tucked his hands into his armpits so his arms looked like wings and strutted around.
"You're doing the funky chicken dance," said the killer in a bored voice. Harry was amazed.
"Oh, okay Mr. Smarty pants, what am I doing –"
"Oh just cut the crap," said the voice angrily, "do you want to die? Your mother sure didn't."
Harry was livid. "Screw you asshole!"
He went to go back inside his house, but the door slammed shut in his face.
The voice chuckled on the phone. "Ha, now you're locked out of your house, with nowhere to run."
"Yeah...but...you're in there..." said Harry.
There was a long pause. "Damn," said the voice, and the door flung open and a figure dressed in what looked like a death eaters costume ran out. Harry screamed like a girl and pushed past him. He ran back into the house and ran up the stairs.
"Why do they ALL run up the goddamn stairs?" asked the killer who was hot on his heels.
Harry ran down a long corridor. "You know, if I had time to muse on this," he thought, "I would spend half of my term at Hogwarts thinking about whether I should tell Dumbledore about it or not. Of course, it wouldn't matter anyway, as I would no doubt save the day in the end. To think the whole plot of an almost 800 page book was about a corridor!"
He ran into the last door that was predictably open, and he locked it. His computer was on and he was already signed into Msn Messenger. Hermione was online with the screen name, "I may have bushy hair but I haven't got a bushy !"
"Hermione, that's a gross name," typed Harry.
"Well, don't look at it then," typed Hermione crossly.
"Look Hermione, I haven't got time for this, I'm being pursued by a killer," he typed frantically.
"Oh SHUT UP Harry! This happened to me a couple of nights ago! You just can't bear the attention not being on you, can you?" she typed. Harry was shocked.
"No, Hermione, really, I'm about to die!" he typed.
"Sure, whatever!" typed Hermione, and with that she blocked him. Harry turned to the door desperately. But in the middle of his typed argument with Hermione, he hadn't noticed that the killer slipped away.
He turned around and was face to face with...Ron. Harry screamed.
"Are you okay?" asked Ron, "I heard screams, and the door was locked..."
"...But you live miles from here..." pointed out Harry.
"Oh, well er...I caught a taxi."
"You can't afford it," Harry pointed out again tactlessly.
Ron grew angry. "Look, I've told you what happened, if you don't believe me then fine, but you'll live to regret it. I'll gut you like a fish."
Harry's mouth dropped open. Ron looked startled.
"Ron..." Harry began. Ron looked down to the floor.
"...Fishes can't be gutted," finished Harry. Ron looked up in surprise.
"There's a common misconception that they can," said Harry importantly, "But according to Hermione, they can't. Of course Professor McGonagall thinks otherwise..."
"Harry?" interrupted Ron.
"Yeah?" said Harry.
"Shut up or I'll kill you."
Harry nodded. "Okay," he said. He'd had a long day and couldn't be bothered to argue. Nor could he be bothered to ask what Ron was doing with a cell phone, a death eaters costume, a knife, a gun, and weapons of mass destruction in his backpack...
Argh I'm sorry for posting a lame chapter! I tried to make it funny but it just turned out...not to be, lol. I can't be bothered to rewrite it though, lol. Hope you enjoyed it anyway!