Scream if u know what I did in Azkaban last summer Chapter 7: Kill Bill, a harry potter fanfic

"I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point," said a black and white Harry driving towards a camera in a sports car. "I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a seven part movie/book/toy/greedy McDonalds (we-don't-supersize-any-more) promotion series roaring rampage of revenge. Oh and I roared. And I rampaged. And I got 'bloody' satisfaction. A lot of bloody satisfaction actually because 'bloody' is probably the most rudest word that Ms. Rowling uses in her books and uses it often for shock tactics for easily offended adolescents. And now I'm driving to the final place. The last person. And when I arrive at my destination..." Harry shivered with anticipation. "I am gonna kill Bill."

"Er...Harry?"

"Yeah Ron?" asked Harry distractedly, still gazing into the camera.

"Did you just say you were going to kill my brother?"

Harry snapped back into reality and the scene suddenly turned to colour, very much like the Wizard of Oz. In fact, there were loads of cute little munchkins running around Harry and Ron's ankles. Well, not so much cute little munchkins as ugly little goblins from Gringots. And they were trying to bite Harry and Ron's ankles viciously. Despite the fact that they were in a sports car a minute ago. Lets forget I ever mentioned the Wizard of Oz.

"No, I said I was er... Gonna kill... Voldie."

"Voldie?" Ron asked.

"Hey," snapped Harry. "I've been the one battling him for the last seven years/books. Although you've managed to survive the last seven years/books being my goofy red-headed poor ass friend, I've been the one in a constant struggle to fight the most powerful wizard in history while trying to find my teenage adolescent identity. I think I have the right to give my enemy a pet name, alright?"

Ron looked very taken-aback. "Yeah yeah, of course Harry. Voldie. Right, that's cool."

"Yes," said Harry smugly. "It is. Now lets go," and they drove off in his car into the beautiful sunset. Normally this is where the cheesy music would come on and the credits would roll up the screen with Julia Roberts name coming first while she's cackling evilly depositing yet another play-it-safe-with-romantic-comedies-and-get-an-easy 20 million dollar cheque into her bank account, but it's not over yet so I'll continue.

They arrive at Hogwarts and Hermione is there waiting anxiously.

"Oh Harry," she said, flinging her arms around him. "I was so worried."

"Why?" he asked. She shrugged.

"I just was, okay, it's part of my characters nature. Along with having a name that nobody could pronounce until a certain Mr. Krum gave a pronunciation in Goblet of Fire."

At the sound of Viktor's name, Ron's ears went pink. And then red. And then blue. And then purple and green and multicoloured and everybody had a little disco dance while he went through all different emotions. When they went back to his normal colour the conversation carried on.

"Anyway, good luck in the final battle."

Harry gaped in open-mouthed shock. "How do you know this is the final battle?" he stammered. (Authors note: Ahem - I typed stammered, Harry.) "H-h-h-h-ow d-d-d-do y-y-you know th-th-th-th-this is the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-" (A/N: QUICKER!) "f-f--final b-battle?"

"Hello?!" Hermione said in a Clueless/Paris Hilton/Legally blonde/Jessica Simpson/ (insert other blonde movie or celebrity of choice here) manner. "I'm Hermione Granger, I know everything!"

"You can't know everything," said Ron. Hermione turned to him with an raised eyebrow. "Try me," she said.

"What's the capital of France?" Ron asked.

"Paris."

"What's the capital of England?"

"London."

"Who is the president of the United States?"

"George Bush."

"Who is without a doubt the biggest ass-"

"George Bush."

"hole in the world. Wow, you knew that before -"

"You're finishing your sentences."

"I'm finishing my -"

"sentences. Wow."

"Sentences! Wow! You really are -"

"Great, fantastic, brilliant. I know."

"Nope, I was going to go with annoying, but yours work too."

Hermione gave an impatient huff and turned to Harry who had almost fallen to sleep at this point. "Anyway, I know everything so of course I know that the final battle is today!"

"Well I don't want anybody knowing," said Harry quietly. "So don't tell anyone."

Thousands of news journalists over the world were clambering through the great hall to get an interview with Harry who was sitting in a chair on stage throwing vicious looks to Hermione, who wasn't even paying attention being too busy posing for photographs.

"This one's for playboy!" she laughed and conjured up a spell that whipped her clothes off while three strategically placed pumpkins covered up her modesties.

Afterwards Dumbledore made all the journalists leave and told Harry that he was not going to be alone in this battle.

"But you should know that I'm going to die fighting for you Harry."

Harry gasped. "Dumbledore... No you can't die -"

"I'm going to die, Harry," Dumbledore interrupted. "Haven't you read any of the internet conspiracy theories? My name means bumblebee after all, and what are bumblebees well known for?"

"Honey," said Harry happily.

"Well, yes apart from that," said Dumbledore gently.

"Stinging," said Harry grumpily.

"Yes, but what do they do after they sting you?" said Dumbledore irritably.

"Buzz in your face and taunt you and then die?" Harry asked. Dumbledore nodded gravely.

"So... You're going to sting Voldie, buzz in his face, taunt him and then die?" Dumbledore nodded again.

"That's the plan Harry," he said gravely. Harry shrugged and pushed him off stage. "Whose next?" he called out.

Neville stepped up on stage. "Harry," he began.

"Get away from me geek," Harry said in a lordly manner pushing him off stage. "Next!"

Luna stepped up on stage. "Hey Harry," she began.

"Weirdo!" Harry laughed and pushed her off stage too. "Next!"

Draco stepped up on stage. "Harry, I've got to confess my secret love for you," he said quickly.

"Didn't you do that last chapter?" Harry asked in a mildly amused voice. Draco and I check the last chapter and see that, yes indeed, he confessed his love for Harry.

"Losers!" Harry smirked, pushing both Draco and myself off stage. "Next!"

"Hi," said Parvati Patil.

"Who?!" said Harry spitefully and pushed her off stage. "Next!"

Peeves floated up on stage. "Hi Harry," he began. Harry tried to push him off stage but pushed thin air instead and fell from his throne on stage with a scream of anguish.

"Good luck Harry!"

"You can do it Harry!"

"You make sure you kick his ass Harry!"

"2-4-6-8

Harry P is oh so great!

3-5-7-9

Nothing else will make this rhyme!"

Harry waved to the adoring crowds of people as he sat on his white horse, about to canter off into the distance and face Voldermort, when a clash of thunder and a bolt of lightning lit up the whole sky.

"Do you think that's a sign?" Ron whispered. Two clouds floated past in the shape of a thumbs up.

"No," whispered Crabbe decidedly before getting struck by a fork of lightning. Another cloud floated past bearing the words, "don't tempt fate."

Voldemort came over and for the first time ever we see him. He looks like. Well, he looks like... He looks like ... I'm being vague here but, well, I can't really explain it... Jo, can you?

Oh okay fine, hi everyone, I'm Joanne Rowling, official writer of Harry Potter. What do you mean "no I'm not?" how dare you! What makes you say that? Oh ... J.K is just a shortened version. No it does not mean "Just kidding!" you little brat! They made me shorten it because it's a sexist world in the land of publishing and to think those chauvinistic pigs are now earning money from my books after they made me into two anonymous initials! It makes me so angry!

A/N: Er... Jo?

Oh yes. Anyway, we've reached the big climatic scene of the seventh book here folks. Never again will I have to listen to whiny Harry Potter fans telling me how much they adore the little scar-headed bastard. How many times do they want me to backtrack the whole story in each one? My fingers are red raw from typing but at long last I've finished book seven. It's called:

Harry Potter and my medication needs a higher dosage please give me more pills doctor. Fanfic writers can abbreviate it to MMNAHDPGMMPD if they wish.

So, I hear you want to read the ending of book seven, hey? I bet you want to learn all about the symbolism behind the green flashes of light (F.Y.I They were fireworks!) and why Harry has green eyes (Genetics, stupid!) and why Harry can speak parseltongue (Er... It was just a lisp!) Well, it's your lucky day, for I am going to reveal the ending to you right now. Look away if you don't want to read:

KEEP SCROLLING!

OK Now that youre done scrolling you better make a wish...

wish

wish, damn it

wish

Made your wish yet? If so, you're ready for the serious part

If you send this to 758439472 people or more, your wish will come true in 3 seconds If you send it to 758439471 or less, something horrible will happen to you Just read these horror stories

Mary Hendrickson, Palm Beach Florida

I didn't send this to anyone, and the next day, a pack of wild squirrels came and killed my son! It was horrible! Oh the brutality! They tore his brains out and smeared them on my pink blouse!

Keith Darfsinner, Nashville Tenessee

I was siyttin in muh trayler home, watching 'reystlin, and chect muh e-mayel and diydn't seynd iyt to anynyone aynd dah neyxt day all muh cows doied. A payck uh woulves ayte 'em. So me and muh siyster, who is also muh woife, aite the woulfe fyr diynner.

Ashley Michaels, Denver Colorado

I like, got this chain letter, and I like only sent it to 758439471 people, ONE LESS that the required thingie, and like the next day, like uh, my apartment colapsed and like, my little poodle like, died. I was like, oh my God Like, why did the apartment collapse? I mean, totally whatever.

The Queen, Buckingham Palace

One recieved this chain letter and since it is considered impolite to just ignore an email one has sent to one I sent it to one person. One does not take kindly to one's anonymous email... Thingies. Anyhoo one checked her bank account one morning and found that ones bank balance had gone from £10248485859393 to £10248485859392! Oh the humanity of one!

Those stories were REALLY REALLY REALLY 100 true! So if you don't forward it to anyone you will have bad luck and you will never love again and your crush will hate you and gouge out your heart with a spatula and hate you and trip you up and call you a geek and do other nasty things to you…

…Oh right! About that ending…

THE (exclusive) ENDING:

Harry woke up to the sound of someone banging on the stairs above him. He blinked stupidly and looked in the mirror. He wasn't seventeen. He was only ten. He didn't even have a scar. He wasn't the boy who lived (though he was a boy, and he did live - well, until the age of twenty-two when he tragically choked on a hairball and died.) He was normal Harry Potter. Those seven years at Hogwarts were just a dream.

"Harry, wake up and make breakfast," a woman's voice yelled.

"Yes aunt Petunia," he replied meekly.

Harry Potter fans all over the world gathered together today and rallied/cried/passed out in sadness when they read the last page of award winning author Joanne Rowling's books. It was learnt that the seven part series that took just under twelve years to write as a whole had been a cruel joke played on innocent young minds as hero Harry Potter found out that his magical adventures had been a dream all along. One fan, Beth, who is an avid slashfic writer was a mere thirteen years old when the first book came out and is celebrating her twenty-fifth birthday tomorrow. Or is she?

"I just can't go on," she gulped before dissolving into fresh tears. "Harry has played a huge part in my life. I used to make my boyfriend dress up as him and make love to me while I was dressed up as Hermione. To think that we've lost our kinky Potter sex is just too ..." Her sobs were too loud to decipher any more words.

The Daily Gossiper and bullshit spreader tried to contact Ms Rowling for a statement but she is nowhere to be found. An eyewitness exclusively told us that they spotted her sunning herself on a cruise ship in the south of Jamaica. "She had tons of hunky young men following her," the exclusive eyewitness told us. "She was throwing cash at them and laughing as if she was really enjoying herself."

Unlike her many (former) fans. 'Tis a sad, sad day in the world of Harry Potter. On another note, the brilliant website is said to have lost out on 500,000 stories every day now that Pottermania has saw such a decline. Let's hope that (shameless plug) excellent story, A Spiders Web, will send ratings skyrocketing again.

This was Jordan reporting live from the Daily Gossip and bullshit spreader.

This chapter was crazy, even to the normal chapter standards lol. I wrote this because I don't want to continue with it anymore. Well, I hope you guys had fun reading it anyway, and I might do another parody story sometime in the future. Take care, and review please! Jordan xx

P.S - The "Scroll" part of the story came kindly from an anonymous someone at

P.P.S - Beth, I included you in my story! Pleeeeeeeeeease return the favour?! lol

P.P.P.S - I wasn't kidding about the shameless plug. Please read A spiders web (my story - its on my fanfic main page!)