It's cold. Obviously it's not cold enough, because there's an icy rain pouring down on me.

I'd prefer snow. Snow is cold but it's soft. The rain is hitting me hard in the face.

By the time I reach the cigarette machine, I'm soaked. I search my pockets for a few coins, now wishing I hadn't left the loft at all.

"Are you okay?", I hear a mild voice ask me out of the darkness surrounding the dim light of the street lamp .

I turn my face and find a young woman, about twenty - maybe older, staring at me through green eyes. At least I think they're green. It's hard to tell.

"Yeah………", I say, turning away again. I'm not in the mood for talking.

"Well, you don't look as if you were……...", she says, stepping closer.

I don't like it. I don't like people coming too close. Not if I don't know them. I step back.

"I am. - Believe me."

"Sure?" The girl raises her brows, looking pretty worried.

She stares up at the sky, reaching out her hand, letting a few raindrops poor onto it.

"Not very Christmas-like weather, is it?" She pauses, then smiles. "Oh……… merry Christmas, by the way!"

I look at her startled, murmuring: "Er……...right………merry Christmas."

She smiles. I turn my attention back on my pockets, searching for more coins.

"While you are searching………" She points at the cigarette machine. "May I?"

I nod. I think I don't have enough coins left. Shit.

I Wait, while she opens the new box of cigarettes.

My thoughts drift away and I think of Mimi. I wonder how she feels. I wonder what it feels like……..if you………

I shake my head. I prefer not to think about it. It scares me. I think it's the only thing that scares me.

I look up. Why is she still there?

And why is she still looking at me rather worried.

"You can't tell me you really are okay………"

I roll my eyes, slowly feeling quite annoyed by her.

I've got to say something to get rid of her.

"I forgot my money at home.", I say shortly.

"Is that it?" She reaches into her handbag, then smiles at me, giving me the box of cigarettes.

"I wanted to stop smoking anyway.", she says, now grinning.

I hate to have others paying for me, but in this case it's not too bad.

I manage to smile back. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. See it as a Christmas-gift."

I nod. I wanna go home, although the rain has stopped.

"Well, then……… It's time for me to go, I guess………"

Again I nod. Is she expecting something from me? I'm not sure. I'm tired. Worn out by the day, by everything... "Bye."

"Bye!", she says, waving at me, although she's standing right in front of me.

I'm glad as she turns and walks away, but I remain where I am, lighting a cigarette. I breath it in deeply, shutting my eyes. I don't really like the taste of smoke, but smoking calms me down a lot. Angel used to say it's not good for me, but I kept telling him that I surely wouldn't die of cancer.

I finish my cigarette and toss it onto the street.

Just when I walk back to the loft, it starts raining again.