Halloween
By
Snivellus aka Heather Granger
A/N: Here is a short little ditty I wrote on Halloween, that I just went through and cleaned up a bit. Hope you enjoy, please review!
Severus Snape had been sitting through another Order meeting. This one more boring than the last, but at least there was no punishment involved in these meetings. Prior to the Order, Severus found himself being punished for not supplying sufficient evidence to the Dark Lord. He hated the Cruciatus. He hated the maniacal laugh of the Dark Lord as he said it, and most of all he hated the memories that it provoked.
Severus sat staring at the wall opposite of him thinking. Today was Halloween, supposedly the greatest holiday in the wizarding world, but oh, how Severus loathed it. He sat thinking of memories.
"Mum, mum can I go over there?" A young boy with raven black hair asked.
There was no response but he left anyway. A few moments passed before the boy realized that he was lost.
"Mum, mum, where are you? Mum is that you? I can't find her." The boy cried out.
"Are you lost little boy?" A man in a werewolf costume asked.
"I can't find my mother! She was just right there, and then."
"Come with me I will help you find her." The man closed his hand tightly around the boy's shoulder and placed the other hand around his mouth and dragged him into the underground.
Just at that moment, Albus approached Severus to shake him out of his stupor, when Severus snapped at the hand on his shoulder and threw his hand across his mentor's right shoulder. The older man landed with a thud on the ground. The Order members stood with their mouths open watching the scene unfold before them. Arthur quickly approached Albus to see if he was injured. Remus, Tonks, and Moody stood glaring at Snape.
Severus quickly realized what he had just done, his eyes grew wide and he quickly glided out of the room and out of the house. He was shaking, still in shock over what he had done. He did not mean to hurt the old man; he was confused, lost in a memory. Severus slumped down on the stoop of Grimwald Place and placed his head in his hands. He hated the looks on the Order members face, he was nothing but a common criminal to them, but how wrong they were.
There was no crowd to act for now, he was noticeably twitching from the side effects of the curses he was subjected to earlier. He was having a harder time suppressing the pain, the hurt, and the anger inside of him.
"What have I done?" He spoke aloud.
"Severus?" The voice of Remus Lupin caused Severus to turn his head slightly.
"Get away from me!" Severus shouted.
"Do you need to talk?" Remus asked.
"No I do not bloody need to talk, aren't you afraid I will hurt you too?" Severus questioned.
"No, I know how you feel, sometimes we do not know the power of our own strength." Remus said surprised that Severus asked him if he was afraid of him. He stood and watched as Severus twitched every now and again.
"You do not know how I feel, you may think you know, but you have no idea, you are a werewolf, I am a criminal, they are two very distinct things."
"You are human Severus." Remus said.
"Perhaps, but I do not feel it anymore. My heart has gone dry, my mind numb, and my actions are on constant repeat." Severus said broken.
"We all feel like that at times, you are not so alone as you think. What happened in there, what were you thinking about anyways?" Remus asked.
"That is none of your damm business." Severus said with a scowl.
"Fine, but it is cold outside, you should come back in soon. Besides it is Halloween, Molly has made caramel apples." Remus said.
"I can't go back in, not after what I did, Albus will cast me aside indefinitely."
"Besides I hate Halloween." Severus said looking at Remus.
"Why do you hate it?" Remus asked.
Severus was tired, he was tired of being alone, of bearing the burden of his secret.
"Not all of us have fond memories." Severus responded.
"What is not so fond?" Remus asked as he took a seat next to the lank man.
Severus was so ashamed, ashamed of who he was, who he had become, and what he knew he never could be. He was never loved, never cared deeply for, and most definitely never spoiled. He was his parents' burden, and his father would always remind him so. His mother, while she never showered him with love and affection, she never did anything to hurt him. Severus's mother was a voice of sanity in his upraising. Severus looked to her for acceptance, and appreciation.
"Severus?" Remus asked again.
"It is too painful." Severus stated, pulling his cloak tighter to his body.
"Perhaps it is too painful to keep it inside?" Remus urged.
"If you must know, understand this, I never would do anything to hurt the Headmaster, ever. I have memories from my childhood which haunt me quite frequently after I have been at a 'meeting'."
"If you need someone to listen, I will." Remus said, placing his hand on Severus's shoulder watching as he flinched.
"Get your werewolf hand off of me!"
"Forgive me," There was silence, neither speaking for several minutes. Both could hear the other breathing. Severus was defeated and began to speak.
"Where to begin? I suppose it would have to be Halloween day. When I was five, no six years old my mother took me to London to find some Halloween treats. We had stopped at Trafalgar's Square near the National Gallery, to see a gathering of people in costumes. I thought it was great fun at the time. My father never permitted me to dress up, nor wear anything but my so called play clothes when going out.
I asked my mother if I could go look at the great statues of the lions in the square. You know of where I speak? She must have not heard me, but I went anyways, disobeying her request. I had been there playing for a few minutes, when I realized I could not see her. She was gone and I started to panic.
A man asked me if I was lost, and I responded by telling him that I could not find my mother. He said that he would help me find her, but he never did. He grabbed my shoulder, and dragged me down into the nearby underground, Charring Cross where the Bakerloo and the Northern line connect. I tried to get away, but he tightened his grip on me. I tried to yell for help, but no one bothered to look concerned. He took me through the turnstile and down to where the Northern line picks up.
The man found a dark secluded area where the track was closed for construction. He pushed me against the cement wall and started to hit me, then he began to take of my clothes, and I remember hitting my head hard on something and I passing out. I woke up with the muggle police around me, in a hospital. They asked me loads of questions, none of which I answered. I was scared, and felt extremely dirty."
"My god, Severus does Albus know about this?" Remus asked shocked.
"No one knows, it was my secret." Severus said quietly.
"My mother came to the hospital to pick me up, the police had contacted her to notify her of my whereabouts. Her left eye was black and blue and there were various fingerprint bruises down her arm. I knew my father had done it. He had always punished her, for my misbehaving.
We never spoke to each other on the way home, in fact I never spoke to her again, I was so ashamed of what I had done, and my father continued to punish her. I drove my mother to suicide, and it was all my fault." Severus said choking on his words.
"Severus, my boy why have you never spoke of this?" Severus turned around to see Albus standing at the doorway slightly holding on for support. Severus stomach dropped.
"I am so sorry Severus, if you every want to talk again, you know where to find me." Remus said as he got up of the snowy stoop and walked into the old house.
"Severus?" Albus said again, this time Severus had turned his head away.
"My boy, did he rape you?" Albus asked.
Severus nodded, Albus still unable to see his face.
"It was all my fault, everything, my mother's death, my punishment, it was my fault. I should have never gone to see the lions, I hate lions!" Severus yelled.
"Is that why you hated Gryffindor so much? Because we are the house of the lion, and you associate such bad memories with the animal and you see the man who hurt you in Remus?" Albus asked, now understanding, knowing that he had failed the boy when he was younger, not taking enough time to notice, to ask.
"I should have never gone. I killed her." Severus choked as a few tears trickled down his elongated face.
"You did not kill her Severus, it was an accident. We have made them before, all of us. If you wish to blame anyone, blame the man who committed the horrible crime, blame your father for his inability to control his anger. Severus please do not blame yourself."
"I hurt you tonight, I am to blame for that." Severus said turning his head slightly.
"It was an accident Severus, you never intended to hurt me, you imagined that I was the man who kidnapped you all those years ago, not your friend, not your mentor. Severus you are like a son to me, and I regret not knowing you better when you were my student, but you know I trust you, and I care about you."
"I am sorry Headmaster, I did not mean to strike you." Severus said trying to ignore what the Headmaster had just told him.
"Your apology is of course accepted, now how about we see to that twitch of yours?" Albus said.
"I can't go back in there, they all saw what I did." Severus said.
"And if they say anything they will have to answer to me, come now Severus, it is Halloween after all."
"Perhaps for a moment." Severus said as he slowly eased himself into a standing position.
He hated Halloween, but he knew that he was not the only one, and that boy with a familiar scar was staring down at him from the window above watching the scene unfold in front of him.