***Welcome to the all night marathon! Sorry, had to be weird, I'm very
awake, despite 8 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours, but heck, I run
better with less sleep. Alot better. Here comes chapter 13! And if some of
it's confusing, it's probably because there is alot of internal
conversation...as in thoughts...and we know thoughts ramble.***
((Right after 12. That's all you gotta know!))
CHAPTER 13:
~~Jordan~~ I had to see him for myself. I had to see his body, be sure that this was all really happening...I know I saw him on the table in the exam room...but I need a chance to say goodbye to him. Just got to convince Garret and Nige to let me go take a peek at him...this should be fun!
"I've need to see him." I leaned up against the doorframe.
"Jordan, I don't know if that would be a good idea right now..." Garret slowly slid off his glasses and put them on his desk. "With your current state of mind, I'm afraid that you'd--"
"Garret, no shrink stuff. Leave that for Stiles--I'm sure you've already called him in here today."
"Actually Jordan, he called me when he heard about the whole thing. He figured he'd stop by to be sure we're all doing okay, but now that you mention it...perhaps you should have a session with him."
"I don't need a shrink. I'm fine." I pulled on a piece of hair that had fallen in my face.
"Jordan, shrinks can be quite...relaxing...if you know how to play them right..." Nigel looked up at me with a grin.
"Thanks for the tip Nige, I'll be sure to come onto Stiles when I talk with him...that'll prove I'm still sane..." I walked over and nudged him in the ribs with my foot. "Why are you on the floor in Garret's office again?"
He grabbed at my foot. "I had a fight with the couch...it got too rough, and I lost."
I glanced over at Garret. "We all know what Nigel was dreaming about..."
Garret shook his head and covered his ears. "I don't want to hear about, especially if he was on my couch Jordan..."
They were SO skating around the topic, it wasn't even funny. All I want to do, is go in, pull out his drawer, see him, and say goodbye. Then I'll go, and wait for the funeral to freak out. Let's pull the "I never got to say I loved him" line...that should pull in the sympathy vote...
I sank down on the couch, and dropped my head down...just a little, to get their interest...
Nigel glanced up at me. "Love...you alright?" He put a hand on my knee and tried to look me in the eyes, but I just moved my head to the side.
"I...I never got to tell him that I loved him Nigel...he didn't know that I loved him..." I buried my face in my hands, not expecting to actually start tearing up, but I did, since I was telling the truth.
Garret got up from his desk and came and sat next to me quietly. He placed his arm around my shoulder and shook his head. "He knew Jordan...we all knew you loved him..."
I choked back a sob. "I never got to tell him though. I never said it myself...that's all I want to do Garret...I want to tell him I love him..."
"Jordan, sweetheart, I can't stop you from going in there. You work here too."
"But you're my boss...you can suspend me..." I looked up at him, my eyes full of tears.
"Like that's ever stopped you before, Jordan. Seriously." He pulled my chin up and smiled. "I can however, do something else."
"What's that?"
"I can go in there with you...at least in the beginning, to be sure your alright. Then you can be with him alone, if that's what you want."
I glanced up at him. "You serious?"
He nodded. "If you want to do it, I'll go with you."
"Okay." I looked down at Nigel, who smiled at me.
"Go on Love...just be calm alright?"
"I will Nige. Thanks." I grinned back at him, then glanced up when I heard a knock on the door.
A grinning Peter stood in the doorway with a single sheet of paper in his hand.
"Nigel...you aren't going to believe this..."
"What is it?"
"The DNA from that cigar you brought in a few days ago. The profiling's done...and it may not be too good news--"
"But it's news." Nigel hopped up and grabbed the paper out of Peter's hand, then skimmed it quickly. His face tensed for a minute, then he nodded. "That's important."
"What is it Nige?" Garret glanced up at him.
"That kid...he got killed by his dad." Nigel tried to smile at him, but he just shook his head.
"Now we gotta find the dad...and I'm pretty sure where to look..."
"Be careful Nige...don't act like me now..." I grinned at him.
"I will be Jordan." He turned to Peter. "Now, Peter, my man...we need to run some more tests...come with me..." He left the room and walked down the hall quickly, towards his office.
I glanced over at Garret. "Can we...?" I nudged my head towards the crypt.
"Yes Jordan, we can." He stood, and pulled me to my feet, then we both went and walked out of the room together.
Every step I took, I could feel my heart sink, just a little lower into my stomach. Why am I doing this? What good am I going to get out of seeing him? I thought to myself silently as we walked. When we got to the crypt, Garret held the door open for me, and we walked in. The doors shut behind us, and I glanced at the rows of drawers in front of me. Woody is in one of those drawers...he's a body in one of those drawers... I felt myself shake slightly, and Garret noticed it too.
"You sure you're alright with this Jordan?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I just got a chill...it's cold in here."
He walked over to a drawer, read the tag on the end, slowly slid it open, and left it there. He looked up at me, and I slowly walked over to him and stood next to him. He put his arm around me again, and grabbed the end of the sheet with one hand. "You ready for this Jordan? Are you sure you want to do this?"
I nodded, and he slowly pulled back the sheet, down to his chest, then laid it on top of him. All I could do was stare. I stood there, unmoving, for I don't know how long, just staring at him lying there. He...he looks asleep...maybe he's asleep... I gently reached out and touched the skin on his cheek, and my years of professionalism went out the window in a matter of split seconds. I jumped back when I felt how cold he was, and I grabbed onto Garret and just clung to him. Oh God...oh God...he's really dead...he's so cold...and pale...this can't be happening...not to Woody... My brain was in a panic, frantically trying to explain why he was lying there in the drawer, and Garret just stood silently, letting me clutch onto him. I felt my breathing and heart race out of control, and I must have been pressing pretty close to Garret, because he could feel it too.
"Jordan...calm down...look at me Jordan. It's alright. Everything's okay...just breathe slower baby...calm down..." He placed both hands on my shoulders and stared me in the eyes while he was talking to me.
I nodded at him, and then swallowed hard, and forced myself to stop freaking out. "I'm alright...I just got scared..."
He nodded, and I turned around and looked down at Woody again. Well Jordan...now's a good a time as any to do this... Not taking my eyes off Woody, I spoke. "Garret? Could you leave me alone for a few minutes?"
"Yes Jordan." He rubbed my shoulder reassuringly before I heard him walk out of the room, the doors to the crypt swinging shut behind him.
I shut my eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to calm my nerves for what seemed like the billionth damn time. Do this Jordan...or you'll never get the chance to do it again. I looked down at Woody again, and I just started talking to myself.
I don't really know how to do this...I've never actually talked to a dead person before...guess there's a first time for everything. How do I even start? There's so many things I want to say to you Woody...I don't know where I should begin. How about...I wish you weren't dead. That's a fair beginning. I wish that...you could know what you meant to me...what you mean to me. You, you were just a rookie cop with that cutesy smirk...everyone thought you wouldn't survive here in Boston...but you did. I know you would have made a good detective...Dad thought so too. But one thing--Woody--why did you have to go and do this sting? Why did you have to go chase that bastard? You could've had someone else go! You didn't need to go and hurt yourself just to catch that stupid jerk! Did you ever think of me?! Did you ever think about what we could have had?! Why didn't you just say "I can't do this..."?! I felt my heart start to race again, and my breathing quickened ever so slightly. Is this what they taught you in the force?! To give yourself up just to catch one lousy, pathetic, scumbag?! Why did you have to die on me?! Me, of all people Woody! You know what I've been through! You know about Mom and James and Malden! You know about all the nightmares and the problems I've had! Why did you do this to me?!
I grabbed onto the edge of the drawer and tried to steady myself. "Why Woody...why did you have to die...I loved you...I still love you..." I held onto the drawer and sank to the floor, and collapsed into a sobbing heap. I was there for about ten minutes, just crying my head off, until Garret walked in. Upon seeing me on the floor, he rushed over and slid to his knees and grabbed my wrists gently.
"Jordan...Jordan talk to me...look at me Jordan." His voice was urgent, yet full of pain.
I looked up at him. "Why Garret? Why?" I let another sob escape from my throat, and I sank lower onto the floor, crying uncontrollably.
~~Garret~~ Jesus...why did I ever let her in here? I should have known she was going to break down...I suppose it's best to let her cry it all out now... With the sound of another sob escaping from her muffled voice, I pulled her close to me, and she wrapped around me with both arms and clutched onto me again. "Jordan...sweetheart...just let go...let yourself let go..."
She let out what seemed like a whimper, and then she snuggled her head into my chest. My scrubs were already soaked through with her tears, and I didn't care. "Jordan...I'm here...just remember that..." I swallowed hard as I felt the sting of tears now forming behind my eyes. This was Jordan...the strong, independent, intelligent woman who I had come to love like a sister...sobbing in my arms...and I could do nothing to help her. I prayed to myself silently. God...just let her let go...please...help her with this...she needs your help...I need your help...please...
She lifted her head from my chest slightly. "I love him Garret...why did this have to happen?"
"I don't know Jordan...I don't have the answers...this stuff just happens to everyone sometimes..."
"But all the bad stuff happens to me!" She sniffed several times, then hugged me tighter, but without the tears.
I shut my eyes and swallowed hard, then tried to make myself stop tearing up. I didn't want her to see me like this...not now...she didn't need to see me crying as well.
"Garret?" She lifted her head again. "You're shaking...what's wrong?"
I bit my lower lip and shook my head. "Nothing...I'm sorry...it's just..." I stammered out a few words.
"Just what?" She looked up at me with that look on her face--the one that could stop you in your tracks, the one that you couldn't help smiling at-- and she loosened her grip around me slightly.
"I can't stand to see you hurting so much..." I dropped my head to my chest, and she was there to instantly lift it up. She kissed the top of my head gently, and she squeezed me tight in a hug again.
"Garret...I'm sorry..."
"No Jordan, it's me...I'm just...protective of you."
"I know Garret...that's why you're so great..."
"Thank you Jordan." I looked up at the drawer which was still sitting open. "Don't hit your head when you get up..."
She strained her neck backwards, then slowly rose to her feet, and she extended her hands to me. "You want up?"
"Yeah." I took her hands and pulled myself to my feet. "Thanks."
She turned and looked back down at the drawer with Woody in it. She gently pulled the sheet up over his head, and slid the drawer shut without a word.
"You alright Jordan?"
"I am now Garret. Thanks." She turned and walked out of the crypt, leaving me standing there staring at the still swinging doors.
How in the hell does she do that? She just stands up and walks out like nothing happened at all...I wish I could do that sometimes... I glanced back at the rows of drawers...rows of people...rows of lives... I wish I could do that...
TO BE CONTINUED:
***I'm off to bed now, thanks for reading, and yeah...man...that was a tough one for me to write...depressing actually...it might take a while for the next installment...I need to recover from writing this one...so, be safe, try to stay sane, and heck, have fun! Thanks again!***
((Right after 12. That's all you gotta know!))
CHAPTER 13:
~~Jordan~~ I had to see him for myself. I had to see his body, be sure that this was all really happening...I know I saw him on the table in the exam room...but I need a chance to say goodbye to him. Just got to convince Garret and Nige to let me go take a peek at him...this should be fun!
"I've need to see him." I leaned up against the doorframe.
"Jordan, I don't know if that would be a good idea right now..." Garret slowly slid off his glasses and put them on his desk. "With your current state of mind, I'm afraid that you'd--"
"Garret, no shrink stuff. Leave that for Stiles--I'm sure you've already called him in here today."
"Actually Jordan, he called me when he heard about the whole thing. He figured he'd stop by to be sure we're all doing okay, but now that you mention it...perhaps you should have a session with him."
"I don't need a shrink. I'm fine." I pulled on a piece of hair that had fallen in my face.
"Jordan, shrinks can be quite...relaxing...if you know how to play them right..." Nigel looked up at me with a grin.
"Thanks for the tip Nige, I'll be sure to come onto Stiles when I talk with him...that'll prove I'm still sane..." I walked over and nudged him in the ribs with my foot. "Why are you on the floor in Garret's office again?"
He grabbed at my foot. "I had a fight with the couch...it got too rough, and I lost."
I glanced over at Garret. "We all know what Nigel was dreaming about..."
Garret shook his head and covered his ears. "I don't want to hear about, especially if he was on my couch Jordan..."
They were SO skating around the topic, it wasn't even funny. All I want to do, is go in, pull out his drawer, see him, and say goodbye. Then I'll go, and wait for the funeral to freak out. Let's pull the "I never got to say I loved him" line...that should pull in the sympathy vote...
I sank down on the couch, and dropped my head down...just a little, to get their interest...
Nigel glanced up at me. "Love...you alright?" He put a hand on my knee and tried to look me in the eyes, but I just moved my head to the side.
"I...I never got to tell him that I loved him Nigel...he didn't know that I loved him..." I buried my face in my hands, not expecting to actually start tearing up, but I did, since I was telling the truth.
Garret got up from his desk and came and sat next to me quietly. He placed his arm around my shoulder and shook his head. "He knew Jordan...we all knew you loved him..."
I choked back a sob. "I never got to tell him though. I never said it myself...that's all I want to do Garret...I want to tell him I love him..."
"Jordan, sweetheart, I can't stop you from going in there. You work here too."
"But you're my boss...you can suspend me..." I looked up at him, my eyes full of tears.
"Like that's ever stopped you before, Jordan. Seriously." He pulled my chin up and smiled. "I can however, do something else."
"What's that?"
"I can go in there with you...at least in the beginning, to be sure your alright. Then you can be with him alone, if that's what you want."
I glanced up at him. "You serious?"
He nodded. "If you want to do it, I'll go with you."
"Okay." I looked down at Nigel, who smiled at me.
"Go on Love...just be calm alright?"
"I will Nige. Thanks." I grinned back at him, then glanced up when I heard a knock on the door.
A grinning Peter stood in the doorway with a single sheet of paper in his hand.
"Nigel...you aren't going to believe this..."
"What is it?"
"The DNA from that cigar you brought in a few days ago. The profiling's done...and it may not be too good news--"
"But it's news." Nigel hopped up and grabbed the paper out of Peter's hand, then skimmed it quickly. His face tensed for a minute, then he nodded. "That's important."
"What is it Nige?" Garret glanced up at him.
"That kid...he got killed by his dad." Nigel tried to smile at him, but he just shook his head.
"Now we gotta find the dad...and I'm pretty sure where to look..."
"Be careful Nige...don't act like me now..." I grinned at him.
"I will be Jordan." He turned to Peter. "Now, Peter, my man...we need to run some more tests...come with me..." He left the room and walked down the hall quickly, towards his office.
I glanced over at Garret. "Can we...?" I nudged my head towards the crypt.
"Yes Jordan, we can." He stood, and pulled me to my feet, then we both went and walked out of the room together.
Every step I took, I could feel my heart sink, just a little lower into my stomach. Why am I doing this? What good am I going to get out of seeing him? I thought to myself silently as we walked. When we got to the crypt, Garret held the door open for me, and we walked in. The doors shut behind us, and I glanced at the rows of drawers in front of me. Woody is in one of those drawers...he's a body in one of those drawers... I felt myself shake slightly, and Garret noticed it too.
"You sure you're alright with this Jordan?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I just got a chill...it's cold in here."
He walked over to a drawer, read the tag on the end, slowly slid it open, and left it there. He looked up at me, and I slowly walked over to him and stood next to him. He put his arm around me again, and grabbed the end of the sheet with one hand. "You ready for this Jordan? Are you sure you want to do this?"
I nodded, and he slowly pulled back the sheet, down to his chest, then laid it on top of him. All I could do was stare. I stood there, unmoving, for I don't know how long, just staring at him lying there. He...he looks asleep...maybe he's asleep... I gently reached out and touched the skin on his cheek, and my years of professionalism went out the window in a matter of split seconds. I jumped back when I felt how cold he was, and I grabbed onto Garret and just clung to him. Oh God...oh God...he's really dead...he's so cold...and pale...this can't be happening...not to Woody... My brain was in a panic, frantically trying to explain why he was lying there in the drawer, and Garret just stood silently, letting me clutch onto him. I felt my breathing and heart race out of control, and I must have been pressing pretty close to Garret, because he could feel it too.
"Jordan...calm down...look at me Jordan. It's alright. Everything's okay...just breathe slower baby...calm down..." He placed both hands on my shoulders and stared me in the eyes while he was talking to me.
I nodded at him, and then swallowed hard, and forced myself to stop freaking out. "I'm alright...I just got scared..."
He nodded, and I turned around and looked down at Woody again. Well Jordan...now's a good a time as any to do this... Not taking my eyes off Woody, I spoke. "Garret? Could you leave me alone for a few minutes?"
"Yes Jordan." He rubbed my shoulder reassuringly before I heard him walk out of the room, the doors to the crypt swinging shut behind him.
I shut my eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to calm my nerves for what seemed like the billionth damn time. Do this Jordan...or you'll never get the chance to do it again. I looked down at Woody again, and I just started talking to myself.
I don't really know how to do this...I've never actually talked to a dead person before...guess there's a first time for everything. How do I even start? There's so many things I want to say to you Woody...I don't know where I should begin. How about...I wish you weren't dead. That's a fair beginning. I wish that...you could know what you meant to me...what you mean to me. You, you were just a rookie cop with that cutesy smirk...everyone thought you wouldn't survive here in Boston...but you did. I know you would have made a good detective...Dad thought so too. But one thing--Woody--why did you have to go and do this sting? Why did you have to go chase that bastard? You could've had someone else go! You didn't need to go and hurt yourself just to catch that stupid jerk! Did you ever think of me?! Did you ever think about what we could have had?! Why didn't you just say "I can't do this..."?! I felt my heart start to race again, and my breathing quickened ever so slightly. Is this what they taught you in the force?! To give yourself up just to catch one lousy, pathetic, scumbag?! Why did you have to die on me?! Me, of all people Woody! You know what I've been through! You know about Mom and James and Malden! You know about all the nightmares and the problems I've had! Why did you do this to me?!
I grabbed onto the edge of the drawer and tried to steady myself. "Why Woody...why did you have to die...I loved you...I still love you..." I held onto the drawer and sank to the floor, and collapsed into a sobbing heap. I was there for about ten minutes, just crying my head off, until Garret walked in. Upon seeing me on the floor, he rushed over and slid to his knees and grabbed my wrists gently.
"Jordan...Jordan talk to me...look at me Jordan." His voice was urgent, yet full of pain.
I looked up at him. "Why Garret? Why?" I let another sob escape from my throat, and I sank lower onto the floor, crying uncontrollably.
~~Garret~~ Jesus...why did I ever let her in here? I should have known she was going to break down...I suppose it's best to let her cry it all out now... With the sound of another sob escaping from her muffled voice, I pulled her close to me, and she wrapped around me with both arms and clutched onto me again. "Jordan...sweetheart...just let go...let yourself let go..."
She let out what seemed like a whimper, and then she snuggled her head into my chest. My scrubs were already soaked through with her tears, and I didn't care. "Jordan...I'm here...just remember that..." I swallowed hard as I felt the sting of tears now forming behind my eyes. This was Jordan...the strong, independent, intelligent woman who I had come to love like a sister...sobbing in my arms...and I could do nothing to help her. I prayed to myself silently. God...just let her let go...please...help her with this...she needs your help...I need your help...please...
She lifted her head from my chest slightly. "I love him Garret...why did this have to happen?"
"I don't know Jordan...I don't have the answers...this stuff just happens to everyone sometimes..."
"But all the bad stuff happens to me!" She sniffed several times, then hugged me tighter, but without the tears.
I shut my eyes and swallowed hard, then tried to make myself stop tearing up. I didn't want her to see me like this...not now...she didn't need to see me crying as well.
"Garret?" She lifted her head again. "You're shaking...what's wrong?"
I bit my lower lip and shook my head. "Nothing...I'm sorry...it's just..." I stammered out a few words.
"Just what?" She looked up at me with that look on her face--the one that could stop you in your tracks, the one that you couldn't help smiling at-- and she loosened her grip around me slightly.
"I can't stand to see you hurting so much..." I dropped my head to my chest, and she was there to instantly lift it up. She kissed the top of my head gently, and she squeezed me tight in a hug again.
"Garret...I'm sorry..."
"No Jordan, it's me...I'm just...protective of you."
"I know Garret...that's why you're so great..."
"Thank you Jordan." I looked up at the drawer which was still sitting open. "Don't hit your head when you get up..."
She strained her neck backwards, then slowly rose to her feet, and she extended her hands to me. "You want up?"
"Yeah." I took her hands and pulled myself to my feet. "Thanks."
She turned and looked back down at the drawer with Woody in it. She gently pulled the sheet up over his head, and slid the drawer shut without a word.
"You alright Jordan?"
"I am now Garret. Thanks." She turned and walked out of the crypt, leaving me standing there staring at the still swinging doors.
How in the hell does she do that? She just stands up and walks out like nothing happened at all...I wish I could do that sometimes... I glanced back at the rows of drawers...rows of people...rows of lives... I wish I could do that...
TO BE CONTINUED:
***I'm off to bed now, thanks for reading, and yeah...man...that was a tough one for me to write...depressing actually...it might take a while for the next installment...I need to recover from writing this one...so, be safe, try to stay sane, and heck, have fun! Thanks again!***