Chapter 35 of "Breaking Through"
A/N: Right after 34
********* Chapter 35 *********
~~Jordan~~ As Nige and I walked back to the house, he didn't say a word. Didn't even look over at me even when I kept looking at him every few steps. Just walked. When we got there, he didn't go into the house but walked around to the back and up towards the barn. I followed him, trying to figure out what he was doing. He walked around to the back of the barn and motioned for me to stay put. So I did, and he walked a little farther before turning away from me and lighting another cigarette. I stood and watched as he smoked...not quite sure if I should try to get him to stop, or if I should just let him do what he wanted.
He finished the cigarette, dropped it to the soft earth, and ground it in with his heel. Turning back to me, he sighed. "Lets go back."
"Alright." I walked over to him and we went and walked back down to the house. I opened the door to the house for him and he walked straight past the kitchen where his aunt was washing the dishes and he headed for upstairs. "Nige..." I followed after him up the stairs. "Your aunt made both the beds in the upstairs room for us...I don't care if you're in there but I'll sleep on the couch if you want a room to yourself."
"Nah. It's fine, Jordan." He walked into our room and looked around. "Where'd she put my stuff?"
"In the closet." I walked over and grabbed his duffel bag and backpack. "Here."
He took the bags from me, unzipped them, and started rifling through them looking for clean clothes.
"Hey Nigel...you want anything from downstairs...tea or...anything to eat?" I headed for the door.
"Not right now. I'm going to take a shower but I'll want something after I'm done." He grabbed some clothes and followed me to the doorway. "Okay?"
"Okay." I smiled at him and headed down the stairs while he turned and headed down the hall for the bathroom. Walking down the stairs slowly, I was met by a curious look from Janice.
"Is he..." She walked over and looked up the stairs.
"He's alright. He just wanted to take a shower and then he'll be down for some tea and some breakfast." I smiled at her and went to sit down at the kitchen table.
"Alright." She smiled, then when to put some water on to get hot. "Would you like some more coffee?" I nodded, so she filled me a cup and brought it over. "Here you are."
"Thank you." I took the drink gratefully and sipped slowly at it. I heard the sound of running water from upstairs and then looked over towards the wall of pictures while I drank my coffee. Janice came and sat at the chair across from me at the table and sighed.
"Is he really alright?" her voice interrupted my train of thought.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not quite sure...I mean, I think that he's hurting...a lot...and when we were talking earlier he told me that he doesn't know what to feel or what to think." I took a drink of my coffee then continued. "Which is a common sign in the first stages of the grief process." I smiled and then laughed to myself. "I'm starting to sound like Lily..."
"Who's Lily?" His aunt looked up at me.
"Oh, sorry. She's the in-morgue grief counselor at work." I thought to myself : 'I really need to call Garret and let him know that I'm not dead and how Nigel's doing...'
She nodded. "That must be a rough job."
"Yeah, but she's pretty good at it." I smiled, then stood up from the table. "Excuse me, I need to go call our boss and tell him what's going on...he made me promise."
"No problem." She smiled at me, and I turned and headed up the stairs, making sure that I still heard water running from the shower. I slipped into the bedroom, grabbed my cell phone, and then headed back down stairs to go outside and make the call.
Mumbling to myself, I cursed the man who invented that stupid "roaming" idea. Soon, after getting a signal, I dialed the number to the morgue and waited for it to connect me. As I heard it ringing, I sighed, and walked a bit down the road away from the house. The sound of Emmy's voice soon came on the line, and I had her connect me to Garret's office.
---phone---
"This is Doctor Macy."
"Garret...It's Jordan." I kicked at a small pebble as I wandered.
"Jordan...hey...how is everything?"
I eyed a large wooden stump and walked over and sat on it. "Not so good."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean...his dad died...last night and he had his aunt take me back to the house while he went out and tried to drink his pain away. He came back this morning and he just looks...different."
"How so?" Garret leaned back in his chair and tried to picture Nigel as she was describing him.
"He's not himself. He's...like...empty..."I thought to myself, trying to figure out how to describe him to Garret without having him go into fits. "He just...seems weaker...lost..." I paused. "And when I saw him when he came back, he was walking up the road...and he was smoking. He's probably had 4 or 5 so far today...I can't be sure." I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. "Garret...I don't know what to do..."
"Jordan...baby...just relax..." he could hear the anxiety in her voice as she spoke. "I don't know what to do either...but just let him do what he needs to do...be there for him. Speaking of that, where is he now?"
"When I left the house to call you he was still in the shower." I looked back towards the house.
"Is he eating?"
"Not yet. But his aunt made him something for breakfast and before he got in the shower he told me he would eat when he was done."
"Alright. Jordan...listen to me. Just be there for him. And tell him we're all here for him when he comes home. And call me if anything else happens, but call my cell. We just got a call to go work a highway accident and it looks pretty bad." he paused. "Okay?"
"Okay Gar...love you."
"Love you too Jordan." He hung up the phone as I pressed the end button on mine. I sat on the stump for a moment before glancing back at the house and standing.
As I walked up the road, memories of my own mother's death flooded through my brain. I was only young, but I still knew what was going on and I was still sad and confused...hell, I still was even today. I walked up the steps to the house, wiped my shoes off, and walked through the door. The sound of water had stopped, and I saw that Nigel was sitting at the table and drinking tea.
"Hey babe." I walked over to Nigel and gave him a quick hug as I sat down. "Feeling better?"
"A little." He looked down at the table and then took another drink of his tea.
"I called Garret...he says if you need anything you can call him...and he's not mad at us." I smiled at him. "So we're not going to be fired...we can have some time off..."
Nigel looked up at me. "That's good."
Janice walked over and sat at the table. "Nigel...I forgot to tell you, while you were in the shower, Bret called and said that he'd be over as soon as he could."
I looked over at Nigel. "Who's Bret?"
"My cousin. We hung out a lot when we were younger. We used to go down to the creek and go swim and stuff." He smiled at me. "I haven't talked to him in ages..." Nigel smiled. "We were such bad kids...always getting into trouble..." He looked at his aunt.
"Yes you were! You two would always find something to do just to annoy me or the neighbors." She laughed.
"You still have horses here? I didn't check when I went out to the barn earlier today." He looked at her.
"Yes. Two. But they're not the same ones when you were here, obviously. They're both pretty well broken and we've got tack if you wanted to go out later...Jordan? Do you know how to ride?"
I looked up at her and shook my head. "Not really...I did the pony rides when I went to the fair once with dad...but I never really was around horses." I smiled. "Although I'm sure if he wanted to...Nigel could teach me how..." Glancing over at him, I noticed that he was grinning. "...but I'm not sure if he's the safest option."
"I swear. I'll be nice." Nigel laughed. "If I didn't Garret would have my head."
"Alright." I smiled, and then looked over at Janice. "So...do you need any help in making arrangements or anything? I mean...I've never had to do this before but I kind of know what needs to happen..."
She shook her head. "No, Jonathan had it all planned for in his will...we just need to notify a few of the people and get things moving. I'll do that later today." She smiled. "Thank you anyways."
"No problem." I looked over at Nigel, who was staring back down at the table again. I was going to say something, but I got a feeling that he didn't want to have his aunt worry about him, so I didn't. I looked back at the wall with the pictures and sighed.
~~Nigel~~ I stood from the table and grabbed my empty cup, walking over to the sink to wash it out. After I finished, I dried my hands and looked back at Jordan, who was looking at the wall, and my aunt, who was finishing her cup of tea. Feeling the need to get out of the house and be alone for a while, I walked past the table and told them that I was going to be out in the barn checking out the horses, all the while knowing that Jordan would soon be following me.
Walking out the back door of the house, I noticed that the morning mist had burned off and given way to white cloudy skies. Kicking at the dirt as I walked the path to the barn, I shook my head. I was glad I was here, but I wasn't glad about -why- I was here. I entered through the side door of the barn, leaving it open to give light without having to turn the overhead lights on.
As I entered, I walked over to the two stalls and looked at each of the two horses. I rested my arms on the edge of the wooden door of one of them and watched them as they stood. I attempted to figure out which of the two was nicer, so that if I was to let Jordan ride one of them I wouldn't get her hurt. After a while of looking at the horses, I turned to go outside to have another smoke, and noticed that Jordan was sitting behind me on the floor, leaning up against the wall and smiling.
"I knew you would follow me." I smiled at her, and then walked over and sat next to her. "So you've never actually ridden?"
"Not without the horse being attached to a pole and walking in a circle with dad standing right next to me the whole time." She smiled. "How'd you learn?"
"Coming out here to my aunt's for the summer. Bret taught me...he took lessons at some fancy riding school on the other side of town." I nodded. "We would always try to race each other when my aunt wasn't out watching us...she had a thing about us letting the horses just run full tilt out here in the open." Grinning, I leaned over and whispered to Jordan. "Doesn't mean we never did it..."
"Of course. Why would YOU ever follow the rules?" She laughed and stood up. "Weren't you going outside a minute ago?"
I stood. "Yeah...but only to smoke..." Reaching down for my pocket, I pulled out the pack of cigarettes and the lighter. "So stay in here for a minute."
"Nige...seriously..." She walked outside and dragged me with her. "...why? I've never seen you smoke before."
I shrugged. "So?" I raised an eyebrow at her and waited for her to walk away so I could light it. "It's not like it matters anyways."
She stared at me. "Nigel...we autopsy people who the only reason they're dead it from lung cancer. From smoking. Don't say it doesn't matter."
"It doesn't for me." I spit at the ground and tapped the pack against my leg softly.
"Yes it does. You all of a sudden just start smoking...yeah I know it's hard for you to deal with this but that's not the answer." Jordan looked up at me. "You're acting different...and it's scaring me."
Sighing, I looked up at her. "What do you mean, different."
"You're distant. And when I look you in the eyes something's...gone. And you're smoking. You never smoke." She looked up at me and then down at the lighter in my hand. "Why do you think you need to do this...there's different ways to deal."
"Correction...I didn't use to smoke, at least not in the States. When I was here I did it for two or three years. I quit when I went to Boston because it lowered my insurance." I paused. "And I'm distant because I'm confused. I'm lost. I don't know what to do with myself." Looking at Jordan, I shrugged. "So I would rather smoke than have to deal with the pain and stress that my body's screaming at me alright?"
"Fine." She looked up at me angrily. "Then do it right here." With her toe, she drew an "x" in the dirt. "I'm staying here."
"Jordan...you don't need to be getting all the secondhand -" I started to talk but she cut me off.
"No. I don't. But I'm going to stand right here until you smoke that cigarette because I'm not letting you 'deal' by yourself. I want to help." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Go. Do it."
"Jordan..." I looked at her, confused. "...just go...please..." When she shook her head, I felt a twinge of anger rising inside of me. I didn't want to get mad at her...but she was pushing it. "Please..."
"I came all the way over here with you and I'm sure as hell not leaving now." Jordan glared at me. "Smoke it or get rid of them." When I didn't move, she held out her hand. "What's it going to be?"
Standing there, unmoving, I began remembering how hard it was for me to quit in the first place when I moved. The withdrawls...the cravings...the anger and all that went along with it. Breathing deeply and slowly, I shut my eyes and gritted my teeth as I knew she was still standing there with her hand extended. Part of me was telling me to throw them away....give them to her...but the other part was telling me to light up right in front of her just to spite her. I heard her trying to get my attention, but I ignored her and my eyes remained closed. Opening my eyes, I turned around and faced the other direction, still not lighting the cigarette but continuing to contemplate it.
As I stood, my back turned to her, I could only imagine what she was thinking or doing...or the look on her face. My mind wandered as I stood, breathing heavily and running my finger over the lighter in pocket as I thought.
"Nigel!" Jordan yelled my name, touched my back, and snapped me back into reality. She touched right on top of the darkened brand I had on my skin...burned deep and embedded in my memory forever. I spun around and glared at her, my eyes fierce and dark with anger.
"Don't...you...ever..." I hissed my words out at her, my voice laced with hatred.
She jumped back in shock. "Nigel...what..."
"You know what you did." I snarled at her. "You meant to do it. Just to throw me over the edge." Taking a step towards her I sighed heavily. "You just wanted to see how I would react didn't you. Wait for a chance to get me worked up and then BAM!" I yelled and threw my hands in the air. "You get what you want don't you?!" My voice rose as my temper flared. "You get to see me being the person that you knew...existed..." I was mad, and my mind and body were being sent into overdrive with the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins like wildfire.
"Nige...I don't..." Jordan took a step back from me, her eyes wide with fear. "Please...Nigel...listen to me..."
"Why?! So I can hear you tell me how I'm a failure?! How I'm hurting myself?! How you won't leave me alone?!" I shoved the cigarettes and lighter back into my pocket angrily, then clenched my fists tightly at my sides. "You don't know what I've had to go through! You don't know anything!"
"Tell me then!" Jordan yelled back at me.
I stopped short for a minute, stunned by the fact that she yelled at me, but angry that she would have the audacity to do so. "Fine!" I yelled angrily. "You don't know what its like to live being the kid that your father told you that he never wanted! You didn't have to watch your mom get sick, slowly waste away to nothing! You didn't have to deal with constant taunting and abuse! YOU didn't get a red hot fire poker laid across your back, scarring you for life! You didn't have to hide it in fear that if you told anyone you'd be beaten! You didn't get kicked leave your house at nineteen, join the army, and then get kicked out because you fought back when some bastard tried to kick your ass! You didn't have to leave everything you knew, everyone you loved, everything behind and move to start over!" I felt the sting of angry tears in my eyes as I yelled. "You...don't...EVEN know!!" I glared angrily at her and breathed hard, tears running down my face and my throat raw from the pain of yelling.
"Nigel...MY mother was murdered when I was young too...and I still don't know who killed her. I tried to go to medical school but when I saw a doctor make a mistake and somebody ended up dead...you weren't sworn to secrecy! You didn't take a dose of pills and alcohol and get rushed to the ER to get barely brought back to life! You don't have a problem where you hate commitment and you run whenever you can't deal anymore!" Jordan screamed at me.
Shoving up the left arm of my shirt, I snarled. "You didn't do THIS after you got out of the shower this morning because you didn't want to deal anymore!" There were several long slashes across my upper arm that were an angry red, swollen and bruised. "You didn't get shot because you were trying to get some slimy bastard off the streets! I almost died too! Twice!" I took one step towards her and looked her straight the eyes. "You didn't have to reconnect with the father you never knew, only to find out that he was dying. You don't have to bury your DAD." I swallowed hard and then took a few steps away from her. "You DON'T know."
"You're right. I don't." Jordan folded her arms across her chest and stared at me. "And to be honest with you, I think you need to get over yourself." She turned and walked away from me as I glared at her back.
"Piss off!" I yelled as she walked away. Reaching into my pockets, I pulled the lighter and cigarettes out. I looked at them for a second before throwing them towards her retreating figure. "And you can have these!" Turning on my heel, I walked in the other direction and went behind the barn where I promptly kicked at the wooden wall before sitting down. "Bitch." I snarled to myself as leaned against the rough wood, letting my head hit before resting it against the wall.
~~Jordan~~ As I walked away from the barn angrily, I saw a car pull into the drive and a man, woman, and two small children got out. The man looked up and noticed that I was walking down the hill, then sent the woman and children inside with Nigel's aunt who had come out to greet them. He was tall, lanky, with a head full of short reddish hair. I walked up to him, and he smiled at me.
"Hello...I'm Bret...Nigel's cousin...you must be Nigel's friend Jordan." He hugged me before he noticed that I had been crying. "What's wrong?"
I waved my hand back up at the barn. "Nigel and I...just got into a fight...he's pretty pissed off so I just said screw it and left him up there to relax." Turning my head, I glared back up at the barn. "I know he's just angry but I don't want to deal with it."
"I understand." Bret nodded. "Why don't you go inside...I'm sure Janice could fix you something for lunch while she's making my family something...I'll go talk to him." He looked up towards the barn. "He...didn't hurt you did he?"
"No. I don't even know what I did to set him off really...I just tried to get his attention and he freaked out on me...we were fighting over the fact that he was smoking when he never did when he was back in the States." I shrugged. "Wife and kids?" I smiled at him.
"Yeah. My wife's name is Carolyn and my son's name is Andrew...and our baby girl's name is Elizabeth." He smiled at me. "Go on...I'll talk to him, don't worry."
"Alright." I turned and took one look at the barn before I walked towards the house.
Bret sighed and walked up the hill towards the barn slowly.
TBC....
A/N: Right after 34
********* Chapter 35 *********
~~Jordan~~ As Nige and I walked back to the house, he didn't say a word. Didn't even look over at me even when I kept looking at him every few steps. Just walked. When we got there, he didn't go into the house but walked around to the back and up towards the barn. I followed him, trying to figure out what he was doing. He walked around to the back of the barn and motioned for me to stay put. So I did, and he walked a little farther before turning away from me and lighting another cigarette. I stood and watched as he smoked...not quite sure if I should try to get him to stop, or if I should just let him do what he wanted.
He finished the cigarette, dropped it to the soft earth, and ground it in with his heel. Turning back to me, he sighed. "Lets go back."
"Alright." I walked over to him and we went and walked back down to the house. I opened the door to the house for him and he walked straight past the kitchen where his aunt was washing the dishes and he headed for upstairs. "Nige..." I followed after him up the stairs. "Your aunt made both the beds in the upstairs room for us...I don't care if you're in there but I'll sleep on the couch if you want a room to yourself."
"Nah. It's fine, Jordan." He walked into our room and looked around. "Where'd she put my stuff?"
"In the closet." I walked over and grabbed his duffel bag and backpack. "Here."
He took the bags from me, unzipped them, and started rifling through them looking for clean clothes.
"Hey Nigel...you want anything from downstairs...tea or...anything to eat?" I headed for the door.
"Not right now. I'm going to take a shower but I'll want something after I'm done." He grabbed some clothes and followed me to the doorway. "Okay?"
"Okay." I smiled at him and headed down the stairs while he turned and headed down the hall for the bathroom. Walking down the stairs slowly, I was met by a curious look from Janice.
"Is he..." She walked over and looked up the stairs.
"He's alright. He just wanted to take a shower and then he'll be down for some tea and some breakfast." I smiled at her and went to sit down at the kitchen table.
"Alright." She smiled, then when to put some water on to get hot. "Would you like some more coffee?" I nodded, so she filled me a cup and brought it over. "Here you are."
"Thank you." I took the drink gratefully and sipped slowly at it. I heard the sound of running water from upstairs and then looked over towards the wall of pictures while I drank my coffee. Janice came and sat at the chair across from me at the table and sighed.
"Is he really alright?" her voice interrupted my train of thought.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not quite sure...I mean, I think that he's hurting...a lot...and when we were talking earlier he told me that he doesn't know what to feel or what to think." I took a drink of my coffee then continued. "Which is a common sign in the first stages of the grief process." I smiled and then laughed to myself. "I'm starting to sound like Lily..."
"Who's Lily?" His aunt looked up at me.
"Oh, sorry. She's the in-morgue grief counselor at work." I thought to myself : 'I really need to call Garret and let him know that I'm not dead and how Nigel's doing...'
She nodded. "That must be a rough job."
"Yeah, but she's pretty good at it." I smiled, then stood up from the table. "Excuse me, I need to go call our boss and tell him what's going on...he made me promise."
"No problem." She smiled at me, and I turned and headed up the stairs, making sure that I still heard water running from the shower. I slipped into the bedroom, grabbed my cell phone, and then headed back down stairs to go outside and make the call.
Mumbling to myself, I cursed the man who invented that stupid "roaming" idea. Soon, after getting a signal, I dialed the number to the morgue and waited for it to connect me. As I heard it ringing, I sighed, and walked a bit down the road away from the house. The sound of Emmy's voice soon came on the line, and I had her connect me to Garret's office.
---phone---
"This is Doctor Macy."
"Garret...It's Jordan." I kicked at a small pebble as I wandered.
"Jordan...hey...how is everything?"
I eyed a large wooden stump and walked over and sat on it. "Not so good."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean...his dad died...last night and he had his aunt take me back to the house while he went out and tried to drink his pain away. He came back this morning and he just looks...different."
"How so?" Garret leaned back in his chair and tried to picture Nigel as she was describing him.
"He's not himself. He's...like...empty..."I thought to myself, trying to figure out how to describe him to Garret without having him go into fits. "He just...seems weaker...lost..." I paused. "And when I saw him when he came back, he was walking up the road...and he was smoking. He's probably had 4 or 5 so far today...I can't be sure." I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. "Garret...I don't know what to do..."
"Jordan...baby...just relax..." he could hear the anxiety in her voice as she spoke. "I don't know what to do either...but just let him do what he needs to do...be there for him. Speaking of that, where is he now?"
"When I left the house to call you he was still in the shower." I looked back towards the house.
"Is he eating?"
"Not yet. But his aunt made him something for breakfast and before he got in the shower he told me he would eat when he was done."
"Alright. Jordan...listen to me. Just be there for him. And tell him we're all here for him when he comes home. And call me if anything else happens, but call my cell. We just got a call to go work a highway accident and it looks pretty bad." he paused. "Okay?"
"Okay Gar...love you."
"Love you too Jordan." He hung up the phone as I pressed the end button on mine. I sat on the stump for a moment before glancing back at the house and standing.
As I walked up the road, memories of my own mother's death flooded through my brain. I was only young, but I still knew what was going on and I was still sad and confused...hell, I still was even today. I walked up the steps to the house, wiped my shoes off, and walked through the door. The sound of water had stopped, and I saw that Nigel was sitting at the table and drinking tea.
"Hey babe." I walked over to Nigel and gave him a quick hug as I sat down. "Feeling better?"
"A little." He looked down at the table and then took another drink of his tea.
"I called Garret...he says if you need anything you can call him...and he's not mad at us." I smiled at him. "So we're not going to be fired...we can have some time off..."
Nigel looked up at me. "That's good."
Janice walked over and sat at the table. "Nigel...I forgot to tell you, while you were in the shower, Bret called and said that he'd be over as soon as he could."
I looked over at Nigel. "Who's Bret?"
"My cousin. We hung out a lot when we were younger. We used to go down to the creek and go swim and stuff." He smiled at me. "I haven't talked to him in ages..." Nigel smiled. "We were such bad kids...always getting into trouble..." He looked at his aunt.
"Yes you were! You two would always find something to do just to annoy me or the neighbors." She laughed.
"You still have horses here? I didn't check when I went out to the barn earlier today." He looked at her.
"Yes. Two. But they're not the same ones when you were here, obviously. They're both pretty well broken and we've got tack if you wanted to go out later...Jordan? Do you know how to ride?"
I looked up at her and shook my head. "Not really...I did the pony rides when I went to the fair once with dad...but I never really was around horses." I smiled. "Although I'm sure if he wanted to...Nigel could teach me how..." Glancing over at him, I noticed that he was grinning. "...but I'm not sure if he's the safest option."
"I swear. I'll be nice." Nigel laughed. "If I didn't Garret would have my head."
"Alright." I smiled, and then looked over at Janice. "So...do you need any help in making arrangements or anything? I mean...I've never had to do this before but I kind of know what needs to happen..."
She shook her head. "No, Jonathan had it all planned for in his will...we just need to notify a few of the people and get things moving. I'll do that later today." She smiled. "Thank you anyways."
"No problem." I looked over at Nigel, who was staring back down at the table again. I was going to say something, but I got a feeling that he didn't want to have his aunt worry about him, so I didn't. I looked back at the wall with the pictures and sighed.
~~Nigel~~ I stood from the table and grabbed my empty cup, walking over to the sink to wash it out. After I finished, I dried my hands and looked back at Jordan, who was looking at the wall, and my aunt, who was finishing her cup of tea. Feeling the need to get out of the house and be alone for a while, I walked past the table and told them that I was going to be out in the barn checking out the horses, all the while knowing that Jordan would soon be following me.
Walking out the back door of the house, I noticed that the morning mist had burned off and given way to white cloudy skies. Kicking at the dirt as I walked the path to the barn, I shook my head. I was glad I was here, but I wasn't glad about -why- I was here. I entered through the side door of the barn, leaving it open to give light without having to turn the overhead lights on.
As I entered, I walked over to the two stalls and looked at each of the two horses. I rested my arms on the edge of the wooden door of one of them and watched them as they stood. I attempted to figure out which of the two was nicer, so that if I was to let Jordan ride one of them I wouldn't get her hurt. After a while of looking at the horses, I turned to go outside to have another smoke, and noticed that Jordan was sitting behind me on the floor, leaning up against the wall and smiling.
"I knew you would follow me." I smiled at her, and then walked over and sat next to her. "So you've never actually ridden?"
"Not without the horse being attached to a pole and walking in a circle with dad standing right next to me the whole time." She smiled. "How'd you learn?"
"Coming out here to my aunt's for the summer. Bret taught me...he took lessons at some fancy riding school on the other side of town." I nodded. "We would always try to race each other when my aunt wasn't out watching us...she had a thing about us letting the horses just run full tilt out here in the open." Grinning, I leaned over and whispered to Jordan. "Doesn't mean we never did it..."
"Of course. Why would YOU ever follow the rules?" She laughed and stood up. "Weren't you going outside a minute ago?"
I stood. "Yeah...but only to smoke..." Reaching down for my pocket, I pulled out the pack of cigarettes and the lighter. "So stay in here for a minute."
"Nige...seriously..." She walked outside and dragged me with her. "...why? I've never seen you smoke before."
I shrugged. "So?" I raised an eyebrow at her and waited for her to walk away so I could light it. "It's not like it matters anyways."
She stared at me. "Nigel...we autopsy people who the only reason they're dead it from lung cancer. From smoking. Don't say it doesn't matter."
"It doesn't for me." I spit at the ground and tapped the pack against my leg softly.
"Yes it does. You all of a sudden just start smoking...yeah I know it's hard for you to deal with this but that's not the answer." Jordan looked up at me. "You're acting different...and it's scaring me."
Sighing, I looked up at her. "What do you mean, different."
"You're distant. And when I look you in the eyes something's...gone. And you're smoking. You never smoke." She looked up at me and then down at the lighter in my hand. "Why do you think you need to do this...there's different ways to deal."
"Correction...I didn't use to smoke, at least not in the States. When I was here I did it for two or three years. I quit when I went to Boston because it lowered my insurance." I paused. "And I'm distant because I'm confused. I'm lost. I don't know what to do with myself." Looking at Jordan, I shrugged. "So I would rather smoke than have to deal with the pain and stress that my body's screaming at me alright?"
"Fine." She looked up at me angrily. "Then do it right here." With her toe, she drew an "x" in the dirt. "I'm staying here."
"Jordan...you don't need to be getting all the secondhand -" I started to talk but she cut me off.
"No. I don't. But I'm going to stand right here until you smoke that cigarette because I'm not letting you 'deal' by yourself. I want to help." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Go. Do it."
"Jordan..." I looked at her, confused. "...just go...please..." When she shook her head, I felt a twinge of anger rising inside of me. I didn't want to get mad at her...but she was pushing it. "Please..."
"I came all the way over here with you and I'm sure as hell not leaving now." Jordan glared at me. "Smoke it or get rid of them." When I didn't move, she held out her hand. "What's it going to be?"
Standing there, unmoving, I began remembering how hard it was for me to quit in the first place when I moved. The withdrawls...the cravings...the anger and all that went along with it. Breathing deeply and slowly, I shut my eyes and gritted my teeth as I knew she was still standing there with her hand extended. Part of me was telling me to throw them away....give them to her...but the other part was telling me to light up right in front of her just to spite her. I heard her trying to get my attention, but I ignored her and my eyes remained closed. Opening my eyes, I turned around and faced the other direction, still not lighting the cigarette but continuing to contemplate it.
As I stood, my back turned to her, I could only imagine what she was thinking or doing...or the look on her face. My mind wandered as I stood, breathing heavily and running my finger over the lighter in pocket as I thought.
"Nigel!" Jordan yelled my name, touched my back, and snapped me back into reality. She touched right on top of the darkened brand I had on my skin...burned deep and embedded in my memory forever. I spun around and glared at her, my eyes fierce and dark with anger.
"Don't...you...ever..." I hissed my words out at her, my voice laced with hatred.
She jumped back in shock. "Nigel...what..."
"You know what you did." I snarled at her. "You meant to do it. Just to throw me over the edge." Taking a step towards her I sighed heavily. "You just wanted to see how I would react didn't you. Wait for a chance to get me worked up and then BAM!" I yelled and threw my hands in the air. "You get what you want don't you?!" My voice rose as my temper flared. "You get to see me being the person that you knew...existed..." I was mad, and my mind and body were being sent into overdrive with the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins like wildfire.
"Nige...I don't..." Jordan took a step back from me, her eyes wide with fear. "Please...Nigel...listen to me..."
"Why?! So I can hear you tell me how I'm a failure?! How I'm hurting myself?! How you won't leave me alone?!" I shoved the cigarettes and lighter back into my pocket angrily, then clenched my fists tightly at my sides. "You don't know what I've had to go through! You don't know anything!"
"Tell me then!" Jordan yelled back at me.
I stopped short for a minute, stunned by the fact that she yelled at me, but angry that she would have the audacity to do so. "Fine!" I yelled angrily. "You don't know what its like to live being the kid that your father told you that he never wanted! You didn't have to watch your mom get sick, slowly waste away to nothing! You didn't have to deal with constant taunting and abuse! YOU didn't get a red hot fire poker laid across your back, scarring you for life! You didn't have to hide it in fear that if you told anyone you'd be beaten! You didn't get kicked leave your house at nineteen, join the army, and then get kicked out because you fought back when some bastard tried to kick your ass! You didn't have to leave everything you knew, everyone you loved, everything behind and move to start over!" I felt the sting of angry tears in my eyes as I yelled. "You...don't...EVEN know!!" I glared angrily at her and breathed hard, tears running down my face and my throat raw from the pain of yelling.
"Nigel...MY mother was murdered when I was young too...and I still don't know who killed her. I tried to go to medical school but when I saw a doctor make a mistake and somebody ended up dead...you weren't sworn to secrecy! You didn't take a dose of pills and alcohol and get rushed to the ER to get barely brought back to life! You don't have a problem where you hate commitment and you run whenever you can't deal anymore!" Jordan screamed at me.
Shoving up the left arm of my shirt, I snarled. "You didn't do THIS after you got out of the shower this morning because you didn't want to deal anymore!" There were several long slashes across my upper arm that were an angry red, swollen and bruised. "You didn't get shot because you were trying to get some slimy bastard off the streets! I almost died too! Twice!" I took one step towards her and looked her straight the eyes. "You didn't have to reconnect with the father you never knew, only to find out that he was dying. You don't have to bury your DAD." I swallowed hard and then took a few steps away from her. "You DON'T know."
"You're right. I don't." Jordan folded her arms across her chest and stared at me. "And to be honest with you, I think you need to get over yourself." She turned and walked away from me as I glared at her back.
"Piss off!" I yelled as she walked away. Reaching into my pockets, I pulled the lighter and cigarettes out. I looked at them for a second before throwing them towards her retreating figure. "And you can have these!" Turning on my heel, I walked in the other direction and went behind the barn where I promptly kicked at the wooden wall before sitting down. "Bitch." I snarled to myself as leaned against the rough wood, letting my head hit before resting it against the wall.
~~Jordan~~ As I walked away from the barn angrily, I saw a car pull into the drive and a man, woman, and two small children got out. The man looked up and noticed that I was walking down the hill, then sent the woman and children inside with Nigel's aunt who had come out to greet them. He was tall, lanky, with a head full of short reddish hair. I walked up to him, and he smiled at me.
"Hello...I'm Bret...Nigel's cousin...you must be Nigel's friend Jordan." He hugged me before he noticed that I had been crying. "What's wrong?"
I waved my hand back up at the barn. "Nigel and I...just got into a fight...he's pretty pissed off so I just said screw it and left him up there to relax." Turning my head, I glared back up at the barn. "I know he's just angry but I don't want to deal with it."
"I understand." Bret nodded. "Why don't you go inside...I'm sure Janice could fix you something for lunch while she's making my family something...I'll go talk to him." He looked up towards the barn. "He...didn't hurt you did he?"
"No. I don't even know what I did to set him off really...I just tried to get his attention and he freaked out on me...we were fighting over the fact that he was smoking when he never did when he was back in the States." I shrugged. "Wife and kids?" I smiled at him.
"Yeah. My wife's name is Carolyn and my son's name is Andrew...and our baby girl's name is Elizabeth." He smiled at me. "Go on...I'll talk to him, don't worry."
"Alright." I turned and took one look at the barn before I walked towards the house.
Bret sighed and walked up the hill towards the barn slowly.
TBC....