Chapter 37 of "Breaking Through"
A/N: Takes place after 36.
**Chapter 37**
~~Nigel~~ Glancing over at Jordan, who was standing next to Carolyn and Janice, I smiled at Bret and stood up. Walking over behind he, I tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention. "Never thought I would see you so interesting in cooking."
She turned and smiled. "Never thought I'd see you play cowboy either."
"Alright, you win." I raised my hands in mock defeat. "Seriously though...can we go talk?" I lowered my voice. "There's some things you need to know."
Jordan nodded. "Sure. I think I can leave..."
"Go ahead honey, we've got in under control in here." Janice smiled at Jordan. "Just don't let him talk you into anything..." she paused. "I'll get you later for racing, young man."
"Not if you can't catch me!" I smiled and headed for the door to the front of the house, Jordan follwing behind. "We'll be back in a little bit." We headed outside into the midday sun, the clouds burned off and no trace of the previous evening's storm to be found in the sky. Jordan didn't say a word, but merely smiled as I led the way to where I'd left the horses tied. "You up to this? I mean...if you're afraid or anything..."
"As long as there isn't a reenactment of this morning, I'll be fine." She laughed and gently pet the horse on the nose. "This one for me?" she said, motioning to the one Bret had been riding.
I nodded. "Yeah. He's the nicer of the two...and Bret falling was his own fault." I walked over at stood next to her. "Here. Climb up on the rail, then it will be easier to get on his back. I'll adjust your stirrups and everything to make sure you're in there snug."
~~Jordan~~ Nodding, I climbed up on the rail and then awkwardly got onto the horse with Nigel's assistance. I sat nervously on top while Nigel adjusted the stirrups and made sure that the saddle was on tight enough. He untied my horse from the rail and handed me the reins as he walked the horse slowly away from the house. In the meantime, I perched on top of the animal and attempted to keep my balance.
"Now, keep the reins loose, or the horse will think you're trying to get him to stop. Put one hand on the horn and the reins in the other. Move the reins in the direction you want the horse to go...and you don't have to pull very hard, they've very responsive. Try it." He smiled. "To make them go, just tell him to go or give him a very gentle nudge with your heels. To slow down, just pull back on the reins, and to stop, just keep pulling until they do."
"Alright...sounds easy enough..." I gently nudged the horse to go as Nigel kept one hand on the reins and led me in a small circle around the dirt that was on the side of the house. This wasn't really that hard, it was just a matter of balancing right. "This okay?" I looked down at Nigel who nodded and gently released the reins from his grasp.
"Try walking over to the other side of the road and back." He walked over and untied his horse from the porch. "Slowly."
I nodded and made the horse walk to the other side of the road, and after a short trampling of a dead bush, we were back at the front of the house were Nigel was waiting, already ready to go. "Perfect."
"Beginner's luck." I smiled at him and he laughed as he gently eased his horse onto the road. "Don't get too far ahead of me..."
"I'm not going to. You have to catch up." He winked at me and slowed his horse down until we were riding next to each other. "Good job."
"Oh shut up." I laughed at him. "Where are we going anyways?"
"No where in particular...I'm hoping for a tree or two out in the middle some grass so we can sit and talk..." He looked over at me. "Jordan...you know I'd never try to..."
"Nige, don't even finish that sentence." I looked at him. "I trust you."
~~Nigel~~ I nodded and smiled at her. "Good." We continued to ride, slowly up the road, until we reached exactly what I had been looking for. A small patch of trees. Turning the horse off the road, I turned and looked at Jordan, who was obviously curious about what I was needing to talk to her about. Once I found a tree that would be good to tie the horses to, I stopped, dismounted, and secured my horse to the tree before moving and helping Jordan do the same.
"Thanks." She smiled and looked around. "So we're in need of a tree to sit under?" Jordan walked over to a large tree. "This one looks good" she said as she sat down.
Nodding, I came and sat next to her and stared out into space for a minute before looking over at her. "Jordan."
"Yes Nige?" She looked at me.
"I...I'm sorry...for everything..." I stammered out. "I'm an ass. I shouldn't have ever dragged you over here in the first place, because all it's causing us to do is fight. And I made you mad, and I said stuff that I wouldn't have ever said if I wasn't under so much stress...and I..."
"Nigel...tell me how you feel. Please." Jordan looked over at me and placed a hand on my knee.
"I...don't know...it's a roller coaster. One minute I feel fine, the next minute..." I dropped my head to avoid her gaze. "I'm lost...I have no idea what I'm supposed to do next. Confused...grief that I don't know how it's supposed to be..." I paused before lowering my voice. "I wish I was dead."
"Don't you ever wish you were dead. Ever." Jordan looked at me and pulled my head so I was looking into her eyes. "You talk to me." She moved her attention to the sleeve of my shirt. "Let me see them." At my nod, she reached over and pulled up the sleeve of my shirt. "Jesus Nige..."
The five slashes were thin, but long and deep. Deep enough where stitches wouldn't be needed, but enough that they'd bleed. "It hurts Jordan."
Jordan was about to say that they had to hurt, but she stopped. "What hurts."
"Me."
"Alright." She pulled the sleeve of my shirt down. "Tell me."
"Why...after we finally got to reconnect...He had to take him away..." I fumed at God in my head. "Why couldn't he have died when we hated each other?! Why make me love him and then rip him away?! Why?!" I yelled out loud. "What in the hell were you thinking?! I thought you were supposed to be nice to people!!!" Leaning my head against the tree I sighed loudly. "And then with you. I drag you out here with me and I'm an ass. I yelled at you just because you -" Suddenly, I stopped and looked over at Jordan and noticed the tears in her eyes.
"Why...Nigel...what did I do wrong..." She bit her lip and swallowed. "Tell me..."
"It's so fucking stupid." I shook my head. "It's not your fault...I just freaked out because when you yelled my name, you touched the scar...and I don't know what snapped in my head but I just got scared and fought back...I'm sorry..." I looked over at her. "Don't cry...please..."
She shook her head. "I didn't know..."
"I know, it's not your fault...babe...please...it's me...I just snapped. I shouldn't do that to you. To anyone." I felt the sting of tears in my eyes again. "Ever."
"It's not your fault either...you've got every reason to be scared..." She shut her eyes and sighed. "I'm just glad you aren't mad at me...I thought it was something that I meant to do..."
"Never." Looking over at her, I read the emotions across her face. I coughed, then breathed in deeply before speaking. "Jordan, I love you."
"I know that Nige." She looked over at me.
"I'm sorry..." the tears welled up in my eyes as I got emotional again. "...so...sorry..." I managed to hold myself together until she pulled my head to her chest in a hug. "...you didn't deserve any of this...I just threw it all at you...and you just let it hit you..." my voice became full of panic as I began to list dozens of reasons why Jordan should hate me and leave me to die.
She let me name them all without a single word on her part, and she hugged me tightly the entire time and gently stroked my hair as I finally broke down and let the tears come after two days of holding them inside my chest. I have no idea how long I cried in her arms, but she held me the entire time until my sobs subsided.
"Nige?" She leaned over and planted a soft kiss on my cheek. "I'm here...I'll be here as long as you need me..."
I merely nodded and shivered as I felt the rays of the sun slowly fade. Opening one eye, I looked at her. "We should probably head back." The sun was slowly setting and the sky was growing darker. "Everyone probably thinks I ran off and kidnapped you." I slowly stood and helped her to her feet.
"Hopefully they didn't send out the National Guard..." She looked up at me. "...or...whatever the British equivalent is."
"Bret knows we needed to talk." I helped Jordan climb onto her horse before untying hers and climbing on mine. "So we should be alright." Smiling at her, I led the way back towards the house and we made small talk as we rode home. We placed the horses in the barn and fed them dinner before heading down the hill towards the house were our own dinner awaited us.
As we ate dinner, we discussed the general stuff that a family would discuss around the dinner table...mainly the trip that Bret and family had to take to get here, if Jordan had liked riding a horse, how we were all feeling - general stuff.
After dinner and after I had stifled back several yawns, Jordan suggested that I go up and get some sleep. I wasn't one to argue with that idea. As I slowly climbed the stairs to the bedroom, I went in the bathroom and took a look at my arm. I was standing and staring at it when Jordan knocked on the partially open door softly.
"Nige?"
I pushed the door open all the way. "Yeah?"
She motioned to my arm. "You need help wrapping that up?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"Alright." She closed the lid on the toilet and motioned for me to sit. "I'll get it." She reached around in the cabinets until she found some hydrogen peroxide, Neosporin, bandages, and a washcloth. "This is probably gonna sting a bit..."
I noticed that her hand was shaking as she reached to dab at my arm with the peroxide. "Jordan...wait..."
"What?" She looked up at me.
"You don't have to be afraid." I reached out and touched her arm. "I promise. I won't...hurt you..."
Jordan nodded. "I know." She smiled at me and then swabbed the peroxide over my skin quickly before applying the antibiotic cream and wrapping and bandage around it. "There. Done." She put the things back in the cabinet, then looked at me. "I'm going to go back downstairs for a bit...go ahead and go change into something more comfortable and get some rest. You...still don't mind me in there with you do you?"
"No." I looked at her. "I'm fine with it."
"Alright." I stood and walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt out of my bag. Normally I would sleep shirtless, but...not when someone else was sharing the room with me. Being careful not to upset my fresh bandages, I changed and slowly climbed into bed, noticing that Jordan had taken the twin bed and left the larger queen sized bed for me.
I tried to sleep, but mind was racing with everything that had gone on, so I merely laid awake and stared at the wall away from the door. I heard Jordan enter and rummage quietly through her bag, then walk down the hall and change in the bathroom before walking back into the darkened room. The only light came in through the window, and I slowly shifted and rolled over to look at her.
She was looking at me while sitting on the edge of her bed.
When I smiled softly at her, I shrugged. "Can't sleep." I whispered to her.
"Why?" She pulled her feet up onto her bed and wrapped the comforter around her shoulders.
"I..." I thought for a minute to myself before continuing. "I'm on edge."
Jordan nodded. "I'm right here."
Thankful for the lack of light in the room, I turned away from her and felt a few hot tears slide down my cheek. Pulling the blanket up around my neck, I nodded. "I know."
"Nige...what's wrong..." I heard her stand up and cross the room to my bed. She reached down and placed a hand on my shoulder softly. "Tell me what's wrong...please...I want to help..."
"I've never felt so alone in my life, even with you right here." I stared blankly at the wall in front of my eyes and let the tears silently stream down my face.
She didn't say a word, but only sat down on the bed next to me and gently rubbed my arm. When I scooted closer to the wall, she laid down next to me and continued to rub my arm while whispering gently in my ear, telling me to let go. She began to rub my shoulder blades and my back, yet this time I didn't even flinch as she ran her fingers across the scar, but she did.
"Nige...I didn't..."
"It's alright Jordan...I'm fine..." I sniffed back the last of my tears as she pulled her comforter over her body.
"Alright. Now...go to sleep...I'm here...you're not alone." She softly drew circles on the back of my neck until I nodded and slipped into the state of sleep that I had been chasing for the past hours and days.
TBC....
A/N: Takes place after 36.
**Chapter 37**
~~Nigel~~ Glancing over at Jordan, who was standing next to Carolyn and Janice, I smiled at Bret and stood up. Walking over behind he, I tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention. "Never thought I would see you so interesting in cooking."
She turned and smiled. "Never thought I'd see you play cowboy either."
"Alright, you win." I raised my hands in mock defeat. "Seriously though...can we go talk?" I lowered my voice. "There's some things you need to know."
Jordan nodded. "Sure. I think I can leave..."
"Go ahead honey, we've got in under control in here." Janice smiled at Jordan. "Just don't let him talk you into anything..." she paused. "I'll get you later for racing, young man."
"Not if you can't catch me!" I smiled and headed for the door to the front of the house, Jordan follwing behind. "We'll be back in a little bit." We headed outside into the midday sun, the clouds burned off and no trace of the previous evening's storm to be found in the sky. Jordan didn't say a word, but merely smiled as I led the way to where I'd left the horses tied. "You up to this? I mean...if you're afraid or anything..."
"As long as there isn't a reenactment of this morning, I'll be fine." She laughed and gently pet the horse on the nose. "This one for me?" she said, motioning to the one Bret had been riding.
I nodded. "Yeah. He's the nicer of the two...and Bret falling was his own fault." I walked over at stood next to her. "Here. Climb up on the rail, then it will be easier to get on his back. I'll adjust your stirrups and everything to make sure you're in there snug."
~~Jordan~~ Nodding, I climbed up on the rail and then awkwardly got onto the horse with Nigel's assistance. I sat nervously on top while Nigel adjusted the stirrups and made sure that the saddle was on tight enough. He untied my horse from the rail and handed me the reins as he walked the horse slowly away from the house. In the meantime, I perched on top of the animal and attempted to keep my balance.
"Now, keep the reins loose, or the horse will think you're trying to get him to stop. Put one hand on the horn and the reins in the other. Move the reins in the direction you want the horse to go...and you don't have to pull very hard, they've very responsive. Try it." He smiled. "To make them go, just tell him to go or give him a very gentle nudge with your heels. To slow down, just pull back on the reins, and to stop, just keep pulling until they do."
"Alright...sounds easy enough..." I gently nudged the horse to go as Nigel kept one hand on the reins and led me in a small circle around the dirt that was on the side of the house. This wasn't really that hard, it was just a matter of balancing right. "This okay?" I looked down at Nigel who nodded and gently released the reins from his grasp.
"Try walking over to the other side of the road and back." He walked over and untied his horse from the porch. "Slowly."
I nodded and made the horse walk to the other side of the road, and after a short trampling of a dead bush, we were back at the front of the house were Nigel was waiting, already ready to go. "Perfect."
"Beginner's luck." I smiled at him and he laughed as he gently eased his horse onto the road. "Don't get too far ahead of me..."
"I'm not going to. You have to catch up." He winked at me and slowed his horse down until we were riding next to each other. "Good job."
"Oh shut up." I laughed at him. "Where are we going anyways?"
"No where in particular...I'm hoping for a tree or two out in the middle some grass so we can sit and talk..." He looked over at me. "Jordan...you know I'd never try to..."
"Nige, don't even finish that sentence." I looked at him. "I trust you."
~~Nigel~~ I nodded and smiled at her. "Good." We continued to ride, slowly up the road, until we reached exactly what I had been looking for. A small patch of trees. Turning the horse off the road, I turned and looked at Jordan, who was obviously curious about what I was needing to talk to her about. Once I found a tree that would be good to tie the horses to, I stopped, dismounted, and secured my horse to the tree before moving and helping Jordan do the same.
"Thanks." She smiled and looked around. "So we're in need of a tree to sit under?" Jordan walked over to a large tree. "This one looks good" she said as she sat down.
Nodding, I came and sat next to her and stared out into space for a minute before looking over at her. "Jordan."
"Yes Nige?" She looked at me.
"I...I'm sorry...for everything..." I stammered out. "I'm an ass. I shouldn't have ever dragged you over here in the first place, because all it's causing us to do is fight. And I made you mad, and I said stuff that I wouldn't have ever said if I wasn't under so much stress...and I..."
"Nigel...tell me how you feel. Please." Jordan looked over at me and placed a hand on my knee.
"I...don't know...it's a roller coaster. One minute I feel fine, the next minute..." I dropped my head to avoid her gaze. "I'm lost...I have no idea what I'm supposed to do next. Confused...grief that I don't know how it's supposed to be..." I paused before lowering my voice. "I wish I was dead."
"Don't you ever wish you were dead. Ever." Jordan looked at me and pulled my head so I was looking into her eyes. "You talk to me." She moved her attention to the sleeve of my shirt. "Let me see them." At my nod, she reached over and pulled up the sleeve of my shirt. "Jesus Nige..."
The five slashes were thin, but long and deep. Deep enough where stitches wouldn't be needed, but enough that they'd bleed. "It hurts Jordan."
Jordan was about to say that they had to hurt, but she stopped. "What hurts."
"Me."
"Alright." She pulled the sleeve of my shirt down. "Tell me."
"Why...after we finally got to reconnect...He had to take him away..." I fumed at God in my head. "Why couldn't he have died when we hated each other?! Why make me love him and then rip him away?! Why?!" I yelled out loud. "What in the hell were you thinking?! I thought you were supposed to be nice to people!!!" Leaning my head against the tree I sighed loudly. "And then with you. I drag you out here with me and I'm an ass. I yelled at you just because you -" Suddenly, I stopped and looked over at Jordan and noticed the tears in her eyes.
"Why...Nigel...what did I do wrong..." She bit her lip and swallowed. "Tell me..."
"It's so fucking stupid." I shook my head. "It's not your fault...I just freaked out because when you yelled my name, you touched the scar...and I don't know what snapped in my head but I just got scared and fought back...I'm sorry..." I looked over at her. "Don't cry...please..."
She shook her head. "I didn't know..."
"I know, it's not your fault...babe...please...it's me...I just snapped. I shouldn't do that to you. To anyone." I felt the sting of tears in my eyes again. "Ever."
"It's not your fault either...you've got every reason to be scared..." She shut her eyes and sighed. "I'm just glad you aren't mad at me...I thought it was something that I meant to do..."
"Never." Looking over at her, I read the emotions across her face. I coughed, then breathed in deeply before speaking. "Jordan, I love you."
"I know that Nige." She looked over at me.
"I'm sorry..." the tears welled up in my eyes as I got emotional again. "...so...sorry..." I managed to hold myself together until she pulled my head to her chest in a hug. "...you didn't deserve any of this...I just threw it all at you...and you just let it hit you..." my voice became full of panic as I began to list dozens of reasons why Jordan should hate me and leave me to die.
She let me name them all without a single word on her part, and she hugged me tightly the entire time and gently stroked my hair as I finally broke down and let the tears come after two days of holding them inside my chest. I have no idea how long I cried in her arms, but she held me the entire time until my sobs subsided.
"Nige?" She leaned over and planted a soft kiss on my cheek. "I'm here...I'll be here as long as you need me..."
I merely nodded and shivered as I felt the rays of the sun slowly fade. Opening one eye, I looked at her. "We should probably head back." The sun was slowly setting and the sky was growing darker. "Everyone probably thinks I ran off and kidnapped you." I slowly stood and helped her to her feet.
"Hopefully they didn't send out the National Guard..." She looked up at me. "...or...whatever the British equivalent is."
"Bret knows we needed to talk." I helped Jordan climb onto her horse before untying hers and climbing on mine. "So we should be alright." Smiling at her, I led the way back towards the house and we made small talk as we rode home. We placed the horses in the barn and fed them dinner before heading down the hill towards the house were our own dinner awaited us.
As we ate dinner, we discussed the general stuff that a family would discuss around the dinner table...mainly the trip that Bret and family had to take to get here, if Jordan had liked riding a horse, how we were all feeling - general stuff.
After dinner and after I had stifled back several yawns, Jordan suggested that I go up and get some sleep. I wasn't one to argue with that idea. As I slowly climbed the stairs to the bedroom, I went in the bathroom and took a look at my arm. I was standing and staring at it when Jordan knocked on the partially open door softly.
"Nige?"
I pushed the door open all the way. "Yeah?"
She motioned to my arm. "You need help wrapping that up?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"Alright." She closed the lid on the toilet and motioned for me to sit. "I'll get it." She reached around in the cabinets until she found some hydrogen peroxide, Neosporin, bandages, and a washcloth. "This is probably gonna sting a bit..."
I noticed that her hand was shaking as she reached to dab at my arm with the peroxide. "Jordan...wait..."
"What?" She looked up at me.
"You don't have to be afraid." I reached out and touched her arm. "I promise. I won't...hurt you..."
Jordan nodded. "I know." She smiled at me and then swabbed the peroxide over my skin quickly before applying the antibiotic cream and wrapping and bandage around it. "There. Done." She put the things back in the cabinet, then looked at me. "I'm going to go back downstairs for a bit...go ahead and go change into something more comfortable and get some rest. You...still don't mind me in there with you do you?"
"No." I looked at her. "I'm fine with it."
"Alright." I stood and walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt out of my bag. Normally I would sleep shirtless, but...not when someone else was sharing the room with me. Being careful not to upset my fresh bandages, I changed and slowly climbed into bed, noticing that Jordan had taken the twin bed and left the larger queen sized bed for me.
I tried to sleep, but mind was racing with everything that had gone on, so I merely laid awake and stared at the wall away from the door. I heard Jordan enter and rummage quietly through her bag, then walk down the hall and change in the bathroom before walking back into the darkened room. The only light came in through the window, and I slowly shifted and rolled over to look at her.
She was looking at me while sitting on the edge of her bed.
When I smiled softly at her, I shrugged. "Can't sleep." I whispered to her.
"Why?" She pulled her feet up onto her bed and wrapped the comforter around her shoulders.
"I..." I thought for a minute to myself before continuing. "I'm on edge."
Jordan nodded. "I'm right here."
Thankful for the lack of light in the room, I turned away from her and felt a few hot tears slide down my cheek. Pulling the blanket up around my neck, I nodded. "I know."
"Nige...what's wrong..." I heard her stand up and cross the room to my bed. She reached down and placed a hand on my shoulder softly. "Tell me what's wrong...please...I want to help..."
"I've never felt so alone in my life, even with you right here." I stared blankly at the wall in front of my eyes and let the tears silently stream down my face.
She didn't say a word, but only sat down on the bed next to me and gently rubbed my arm. When I scooted closer to the wall, she laid down next to me and continued to rub my arm while whispering gently in my ear, telling me to let go. She began to rub my shoulder blades and my back, yet this time I didn't even flinch as she ran her fingers across the scar, but she did.
"Nige...I didn't..."
"It's alright Jordan...I'm fine..." I sniffed back the last of my tears as she pulled her comforter over her body.
"Alright. Now...go to sleep...I'm here...you're not alone." She softly drew circles on the back of my neck until I nodded and slipped into the state of sleep that I had been chasing for the past hours and days.
TBC....