PART 16

Vaughn's POV

I feel myself fall onto the ground, the words of my father-in-law still busying my mind. I try to focus but for some kind of reason I can't. I hear them in my head over and over again, assuring me that my wife and unborn child are safe and secure but why is my body trembling then?

Is it because I haven't eaten anything as yet for the whole day? Is it due to tiredness? My body feels numb and limp and all I want to do is cry but I can't

I sit here in my living room in the dim light of the small table, my own breathing reverberate around the room. My heartbeat sounds so loud to my own and the pain inside is almost unbearable.

The meowing of Alex' cat is slightly startling me. He comes up to me and sways his body against mine with tenderness needing attention. I lift him up into the air, holding him above my head as he lets out another cry. His paw touches my nose softly and I finally feel my cheeks getting wet.

I struggle to my feet and carry the cat over to the kitchen. He watches my every move as I open the can and pull the food out with a fork into his plate. The cat purrs around my leg and I realize how much this place feels empty without my family. I'm pretty sure he also wonders what's going on.

Once the cat is fed I decide to have a shower to get rid of the smell that covers my body. The water feels so good on my skin and I can't help but turning the water hotter by each minute that passes.

As I step out of the shower and into our bedroom I find myself staring again at the empty bed. The bed where my wife is supposed to sleep in right now with our child. The sudden urgent feeling of being close to her overtakes me once more and another stream of tears yet well up into my eyes. I struggle to withhold them, to be strong for her, but I fail miserably.

Since I know I won't get any sleep, I walk out into the hallway and find myself in the twin's bedroom. I turn on their light that glows from the ceiling lingering the room into a soft blue light. I can literally feel the presence of my boys playing in here. Their soft giggles and laughs fill my brains as I think of them. Thinking how much I miss them. I know they are safe with their grandfather but still as long as Sydney isn't home, this place will always feel empty to me.

Jack has already watched them several times but in that case Sydney has always been present or if Sydney wasn't around at least always two of the kids used to be around me.

This is the first time in over 10 years that I feel myself not being home. It's not the place I use to live and I think that the time has stood still.

The bunk bed I let my hand slowly drift over is still left open from the morning so I start making their beds. I notice Tim's teddybear on top of his pillow, pick it up and hold it close to my chest. The brown horse "Jenny" has exactly Tim's smell and I feel so much closer to my son than I could ever be in this moment. I wonder if they are fine, I wonder how they feel about what happened today with their mother, I wonder about many things and I just don't know where to start.

I walk back out of their room, still holding Jenny close against me. I reminisce the time Sydney and I took Tim to his first horse-riding lesson. Well it wasn't even intended to be horse-riding day or what so ever. One of our friends had invited us out of the city where they had a ranch.

The other boys had a special sports day in school and since Tim couldn't participate we promised him to spend the whole day together with him. My mind flashes back to the moment I saw his large smile on his face, with dimples in his cheeks just like his mother. He was so ecstatic about that day. As soon as he was saddled, I knew he'd be a horse lover from that moment on. And he definitely was.

The room on the attic that we'd been getting ready for them a couple of months before was all set up in horses on one side and hockey on the other side.

Without even noting it I find myself in Alex and Oliver's old room that will soon be our new baby's room. It's still empty and the smell of the painting penetrates my nose. In a couple of months our baby will finally be here and sleep peacefully in its crib.

The crib! It flashes into my mind. I look at the box standing in the corner. The crib we had bought together last weekend before I left for the mission in Morocco. I crouch down next to it and open it. To keep my mind busy I finally decide to built it up even though it can wait some more.

Half an hour later I find myself staring at the finished crib in front of me. Of course it still needs to be sheeted but that will definitely have to wait. My hand grazes over the white bars and the memories flow back to the point when we learnt about Sydney's first pregnancy. We were both pretty excited and we could hardly wait for our first child to be here with us.

I was back in the living room again and the clock on the wall told me it was already past midnight. I walk to the fireplace and look at the different pictures rendering the chimney more personal. Nice framed pictures of our children decorated the border of the fireplace.

There is the picture I always loved the most. It shows Sydney and Alex when we sort of celebrated his six-month. Half a year and we were crazy enough to throw a little party since Sydney also knew that she was pregnant again. She was holding Alex right above her head and Alex tried to reach her face with his little chubby fingers. They both had a large smile on their faces and I remember that I had cherished that moment forever. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Next to that picture, came one of the twins when they celebrated their 3rd birthday. At that time Tim had gone through his 2nd heart surgery and one could easily figure out the tiredness of the toddler. Due to the recent operation he had lost a couple of pounds and his muscles weren't strong enough to keep him up straight as he was constantly lying in the hospital. Today we sometimes ignore the fact that we had a hard time with Timmy's first three years. But since that year his problems weren't severe at all.

A constant watch out for his activity was in order. Too much wasn't good for his heart, any kind of excitement wasn't allowed either. The only thing that reminded us of his disease otherwise were his everyday medication and scar on the chest.

The day he was born was supposed to be the most wonderful. In some point it was, but learning the bad news made our world tumble upside down. We had three other little children to look after and a very sick one that hardly ever was home. The frequent over nights at the hospital, the constant care of Tim made the others feel left out sometimes and it wasn't an easy task to deal with.

Today we are more assured about his health and we know much more about the problems. It's easier but not easy to handle a situation.

I know our little arguments about the baby's sex are just teasing. I love to be around the boys and I'm so grateful that I can live every moment with them and Sydney. The idea of another boy would be rejoicing for me but I have to admit that I would love to see Sydney giving birth to our little baby girl. A beautiful baby girl with that chestnut brown hair, chocolate brown eyes and dimples just like Sydney. She would have me wrapped around her finger from her first scream on. I'm aware how much Sydney would like to have a girl around in the house but at the same time, we would have to deal with whatever it is. And we will be happy with whatever it is. He or she thus will be a part of her and me and that is all that matters to us.

Much more later that night I finally make it into our bed and my eyelids feel so heavy that I can literally feel myself fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillows.