Author's Note: Thanks to Turtle D for doing a fantastic job of beta reading this.
O'Neill came awake slowly, his senses confirming that he was still on the cargo ship heading for the fortress. They had been traveling for several weeks now and he just wished it was over. He didn't have any fear of what waited for him, just a deep seated wish to get it all over with. There wasn't a whole lot to do here and boredom took its toll.
He sat up and looked around at his people who were all sleeping and he wondered if he did the right thing in allowing them to come along. Carter and Daniel were sharing a shelf, a built in recess that was big enough to sleep on, with Daniel on one end and Carter on the other. Teal'c chose to fall asleep away from the others and was lying against the far wall. He didn't see Gallagher, which caused him to wonder where he was, but knew he couldn't be far – nowhere to go on a ship out in space.
O'Neill got up to stretch and walked over to the control area. Kanan was there keeping an eye on things and O'Neill decided he really didn't want to be there. It wouldn't do to beat the crap out of a pilot while the ship was still moving.
He hadn't gotten far when he heard Kanan call out to him softly, "O'Neill, now would be a good time to talk."
"Nothing to talk about," O'Neill said. "But thanks for the concern." He knew Kanan was trying to ignore the false smile and sentiment.
"I realize that there is not much I can say to make things right for you, but I feel that we should try to get past our difficulties," Kanan continued.
"Not interested," O'Neill replied. "It's all water under the bridge and there is nothing you can say to take away all that Ba'al did to me."
"It is unfortunate that we were caught," Kanan said. "I did not mean for that to happen."
"I'm gonna have to ask Daniel or Teal'c how to say 'Not interested' in Go'uld," O'Neill said. "Maybe then you'll be able to understand what I am telling you."
"I had to go back to try, O'Neill. Shallan's life depended on it," Kanan said sounding suspiciously like he was pleading. "I was afraid Ba'al would torture her just as he tortured you."
"You finished yet?" O'Neill said with a deadly calm voice.
"No," said Kanan, "not yet."
"What about the phrase, 'Shut up'? Do you know what that one means?"
"O'Neill, tell me what Ba'al did to you," Kanan said quietly.
O'Neill just stared at Kanan, not believing the gall that snake had. Several things popped into his head for him to say, but nothing came out, the anger swelling in him overrode all words. He turned and left the room with a look at Kanan that would have killed him on the spot if O'Neill had anything to do with it.
He walked back into the room where everyone was sleeping and stepped over Jacob, who had been bullied into coming along for the ride by Sam and Janun. He moved into the cargo area and found himself staring at the circle in the floor where the transportation rings were located. He just stood there staring at nothing as he clenched and unclenched his fists. Damn that son of a bitch, he raged inwardly.
"Something wrong, General?" came a voice from his left causing him to jump a foot. He must be losing it, he thought as he tried to calm his heart.
"Gallagher," O'Neill said in greeting.
"Sir," Gallagher responded. "You know, I think I will keep my distance until you decide whether you are gonna swing at something or not. I wouldn't want to get in the way of the famous O'Neill right hook."
"Famous right hook, is it?" O'Neill asked feeling the anger slip away. "A little optimism goes a long way." He could see Gallagher's smile and he walked over to sit beside him.
"Want to talk about it?" Gallagher asked.
"Nah. I just had a little run in with a bastard and I didn't want to upset things by killing him."
"Will they kick me out of the SGC if I do it for us?" Gallagher asked in all seriousness.
O'Neill didn't get the chance to answer his clone because Kanan decided to show his face right then. He could feel Gallagher stiffen next to him and O'Neill wondered if he could restrain himself from following through on his own thoughts.
"I would like to talk about this," Kanan said coming closer to the two men. "I think it would be best if we all got this out in the open."
"Who's flying this tub?" O'Neill snarled.
"I asked Janun to take over although it really isn't necessary to monitor it at all times," Kanan said sitting down on the floor in front of the two men.
"Gallagher, did you by chance learn any Go'uld words? I'm particularly interested in the translation of 'Shut the hell up'," O'Neill said while glaring at Kanan.
"Sorry sir. The only one I really know is kree," Gallagher said.
"I know what I did seemed cowardly to you both, but I did what I had to do to save my people," Kanan said ignoring the attempts to silence him. "I had the information that would cause the demise of entire worlds and I did not want to be the one to give that intel to Ba'al."
"I'm not sure why I felt I had to go back for Shallan," Kanan continued when neither man spoke up. "I suppose you had something to do with it, O'Neill. You were condemning me and I…"
"Oh, so it's my fault now," O'Neill said, fighting the urge to shoot the son of a bitch.
"No, O'Neill. It was not your fault. I could have just ignored the shame I felt when you deemed me a coward for leaving her behind," Kanan said his eyes glowing. "But I couldn't, your anger and your hatred at what I was caused me to think that I had to go back to get her to prove to you I was more than just a 'snake'. More than something that was beneath you."
"And yet, you abandoned me just as you abandoned her," Gallagher spit out. "Just like the snake you are."
"I had no choice. You were dying and I knew Ba'al would revive you to find out why you were there. I also knew that I would not be able to help you, nor keep the secrets of the Tok'ra if I stayed. I had to leave, and for your information, I knew that I would die if I left your body. It was a coincidence that a servant was shot down near to where I waited for death and I took advantage of the opportunity. By that time it was too late to get you or Shallan out. Ba'al had tripled the guards when they didn't find me."
O'Neill was speechless. He understood why Kanan did what he did, but it didn't help him in coping with the memories. Oh sure, the doctors, therapists and psychiatrists did what they could to help him deal with his memories of the torture, they just couldn't show him how to get rid of the anger he experienced every time he thought of Kanan and his betrayal.
"Would Shallan have endured the torture?" Kanan asked quietly. "Did I do the right thing in going back for her?"
That bastard! O'Neill raged. The images of the torture Ba'al put him through were racing through his mind - the knives, the batterings, the acid, the blood, all of that and more. He closed his eyes and unconsciously pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as he fought off the images. He remembered Ba'al's face sneering at him while the pain ate away at his soul, all the while knowing that the sarcophagus was eating away at his mind. And the torture had continued when he got back to the SGC as he went through the withdrawals from the sarcophagus. Kanan and Ba'al had taken something away from him and he often wondered if he would ever get it back.
"God!" Gallagher said softly. O'Neill looked over at him and was shocked to see that Gallagher had curled up into a ball, his arms wrapped around his knees, which made him realize that he was doing the same thing. Gallagher glanced at him and they both relaxed their postures.
"Did I do the right thing?" Kanan asked again.
"Yeah," O'Neill admitted quietly. He had endured a lot to protect Shallan from the very thing Kanan had wanted to protect her from.
"Was she in danger of getting caught in the first place?" Gallagher wanted to know. O'Neill noticed that his clone wasn't glaring at the Tok'ra. This was a good sign.
"I had no idea if she was or not," Kanan admitted. "I did not want to take the chance. I am grateful to you for finishing what I started."
The room had gone silent at those words. O'Neill looked down at the bracelet Shallan had given him. He had put it on the same wrist as his watch, and knew at that moment that he could forgive Kanan, given enough time. The hatred seemed to melt away as he touched the beads. Shallan had looked so fragile in his memories of her and he was suddenly glad that he had helped her.
"Shallan wanted us to forgive you," Gallagher said as he reached into one of his pockets to pull out the bracelet he had been given. He put it on his left wrist so that it blended in with his watch as O'Neill had done. "I can give it a try."
"That is all I ask," Kanan said.
"Well, girls," Gallagher said. "Now that we have cleared the air, how about raiding the food stuffs to see what's out there. What's a pajama party without popcorn?"
His attempts at lightening the mood didn't go over too well. "I would rather talk with you about your being a clone," Kanan told him. Gallagher had been trying to deal with the conflicting emotions he was having toward Kanan and now he was glad Kanan brought this up to let the anger win over.
"There is nothing to talk about," Gallagher said. "I woke up one morning a younger version of myself and life moved on."
"Yet, you share O'Neill's memories, his feelings. Does that make things hard for you?" Kanan went on.
Oh, you have no idea, thought Gallagher with a grimace. "Those memories are paying off this time around," he said.
"Do you remember anything of Ba'al's fortress?" Kanan asked cautiously.
"Not much," Gallagher admitted. "You had total control when we got there and you didn't have the decency to share anything with me," the last part was said between clenched teeth. He took a second to calm the anger that had flared up and continued, "My mind was so muddled by the sarcophagus when I found Shallan that I am not sure I could find my way out again."
"Between the two of us, we should be able to figure it out," O'Neill said. Gallagher noticed that the General seemed to be a lot calmer and this helped Gallagher's mood tremendously. The animosity between the three men was melting away.
"When were you cloned?" Kanan asked. "Why were you cloned?"
What is this? Gallagher thought as he stared in amazement at the Tok'ra who had made his life miserable. "It happened after you, and a certain Asgard felt it was his duty to experiment on me without telling the rest of his race," he said, "and here I am."
"What's done is done," O'Neill interrupted. "Now we make the best of this."
Gallagher had to admit O'Neill was right; it's just that sometimes he had a hard time remembering it. At least he got a long vacation from the Academy, he thought, grateful for this opportunity.
"Yes," Kanan agreed. "What's done is done." Gallagher knew Kanan was talking about his own transgressions against the General and himself.
"What's done is done," the General repeated glaring at the Tok'ra. Apparently the fragile strands of the truce that had just been forged were threatening to break under the strain. Gallagher found himself silently wondering why Kanan's statement had bothered the General and not himself. The thought that they really were two different people with their own individual thoughts made him feel better about the whole clone thing. He would never admit it to the General, but he had a hard time with the whole issue himself.
"Your understanding pleases me," Kanan said as he stood up. He turned to leave the room, but stopped and turned back toward them. "You both have a low opinion of the Tok'ra despite the fact that we are not Goa'ould," he told them. "The Tok'ra and the Tau'ri have the same common enemy, the same goals, yet you still think of us as 'snakes', something evil. I tried to understand your reasoning when we were one, but you were too sick to explain it to me."
"The Go'uld have no qualms in destroying anyone who gets in their way and the Tok'ra are similar in that way," O'Neill said. "Look at the situation with you and Shallan. You used her and left her to deal with the aftermath. You would not have gone back for her if it hadn't been for me. Hell, if it had been left up to me, you wouldn't have left her there in the first place!"
"A life, whether it is human or Tok'ra, or Goa'ould for that matter, is expendable," Kanan said. "The Tok'ra do not go out of their way to destroy a human life, but we also know that we can not save everyone. What was it that Gallagher said earlier? Life moves on. I have learned something from you, O'Neill. Perhaps you would call it compassion, but I find that I am more willing to consider the consequences my actions will have on others as I move through life. Whether this is a good thing or not has yet to be determined, but I will continue to do so as I fight the Goa'ould."
Wow! Did that come from a snake, Gallagher wondered in amazement. He looked over at O'Neill who was staring at Kanan, apparently trying to decide what the punch line was going to be.
Kanan turned and walked out, leaving the two men in shocked silence. Gallagher was still trying to process Kanan's statement when O'Neill spoke up.
"Okay, what was that all about?" he said in an awed voice.
"Damned if I know," Gallagher replied. "Do you think he was serious?"
"Maybe," O'Neill said. "Time will tell I suppose."
"Yeah," Gallagher agreed looking at the door the Tok'ra left through. "The Tok'ra are always full of surprises."
"You got that right," O'Neill said. "I would have been totally disappointed if they didn't throw a surprise my way at least once during this trip."
Gallagher just grinned at the General. "You know, when I first heard that the Tok'ra were coming to visit, I was relieved that it would be Carter who would have to deal with the surprises. Show's you what I know," he said.
"I think it's because they like me," O'Neill replied. "Yeah, I'm a Tok'ra surprise magnet," he said grimacing.
They sat in silence for a moment or two until Gallagher asked a question his earlier statement reminded him of. "I heard that you had the Ancient's information downloaded into your brain again. Wanna tell me what happened?"
O'Neill looked at him in surprise, and then nodded. "Well see, it's like this…."