Disclaimer: I had it in my dream once, but when I woke up I no longer had it. Damn dream pixies... Anyway, on with the story.
"Ukyo...bestiality...ewwww...P-chan?" Akane covered her eyes and started shaking her head violently. "No! No! No! No! No! No! No! My poor baby..."
"I told you it's not what you think! Why are you always jumping to conclusions like that? Oooo jiggly! Good, she didn't hear that! I can live! I told you Ryoga was probably still at Ucchan's and that I saw Ukyo and your pet trying to swallow each others faces. You can't go from point A to point B?"
"You said my pet was being molested by Ukyo while Ryoga is there? Why the hell doesn't he stop her?" Akane was still furious.
"Are you retarded or just stupid? Look Akane. Ryoga and Ukyo reeeeeeeeeeeeeally like each other. P-chan hasn't been around here for a while and I said your pet and Ukyo were kissing. Ukyo and Ryoga like each other. Do you see what I'm trying to say here?"
"Ukyo is cheating on Ryoga with P-chan?" Akane was confused.
"Did Nabiki really get the last of the brains in the family? Listen again you dimwit! I told Ryoga I wouldn't spill his secret. How the hell do I tell Akane about P-chan and Ryoga without blowing it? I got it! Ryoga is cursed. I can't tell you what that curse is, but let's just say Ryoga changes into a little black pig when he gets wet with cold water. That's why P-chan and me don't get along. Oh great. Real smooth, Ranma."
"Are you trying to tell me that...Ryoga...and P-chan...are brothers?"
"No! God your head is as thick as your beautiful toned smooth sexy thighs... Damn it! That came out wrong! Let's see...you are so not uncute! Why is there no mallet impact yet? Didn't I just call her uncute? No! I said not uncute! Not and un cancel each other out, so I just called her...eep!" Again, he was panicking.
"What was that about me being not uncute?"
"Hmm? Oh, that. Well, you aren't as cute as you are clueless about Ryoga being P-chan, but I think you are very cute in a tomboyish kind of way. That doesn't make any sense. How can someone be a tomboy and cute at the same time? Ukyo can be either cute or a tomboy, but not simultaneously. Akane pulls it off perfectly though. Is that why I'm so attracted to WATER! I sure seem to be a magnet for water, don't I? Yessiree! Wherever I go, there seems to be either a bucket or a spillway or that damn lady who cleans her sidewalk. And you seem to have a kettle wherever we go. Where does she hide that? Maybe in the same place as her mallet. She's almost as good as Mousse at hiding..." Ranma was silenced by Akane who put her hand over his mouth. Well, more like Akane punched Ranma in the mouth.
"Ryoga IS P-chan! And you didn't tell me?! How could you?!"
"She hits harder than Ryoga when she's pissed. Well, I promised him I wouldn't flat out tell anyone since it was kinda me who accidentally pushed him into the cursed spring. If any of his enemies found out he turned into a black piglet when wet, he'd be dead by now. And since he'd pass out whenever he saw something he wasn't supposed to, I figured you were safe."
"Well, now that I think about it, you did leave plenty of hints. I should've known you didn't call him 'bacon bit' or 'pork butt' because he liked pork so much. I'm happy for Ukyo. Besides, this means one less person trying to take my boyfr" Akane quickly threw both hands over her mouth and her cheeks started to burn. 'Oh no! Why did I have to say that? Stupid stupid stupid!' Hoping Ranma didn't notice, she scribbled the next component of the cure down. Unfortunately, Ranma's sense of hearing was excellent.
"Did she just call me...no I must've heard wrong. There's no way she'd say it out loud like that! But then why is she blushing? She doesn't have a cold or allergies, does she? Oh, hi Kasumi." Kasumi was standing in the doorway holding a plaque. "Kasumi! What are you doing back so soon? How long has she been standing there? What did she hear? I'm hungry. I guess she did good at the competition. If she's back, then where is the old man and Mr. Tendo? Why is she blushing? What's that on her finger...oh. It's a ring. But she doesn't wear jewelry. Maybe she wore it for the competition? But that doesn't make any sense. Why would she wear a ring when it'll get mucked up while cooking? Something isn't right here." Ranma's brain was working overtime but it wasn't accomplishing much. Akane was too busy regretting almost calling Ranma 'her man' that she didn't notice the ring on her sister's hand. A blushing Kasumi finally spoke.
"I have good news! I placed second in the competition. I had a chance at first, but the eels we were given were a little too greasy, so my dish turned out not quite as well as it should have. But that's no the only news I have..." Kasumi seemed to be searching for words at the moment.
Akane was ecstatic. "That's great Kasumi! I knew you were a great cook, but for you to place second in a competition is wonderful! By the way, be careful what you say around Ranma. Shampoo drugged him and he has no internal monologue. On top of that, he can't lie. Here, watch this!" Akane grinned again. "Hey Ranma? Who is the cutest girl in your opinion?"
"It's a tie between your sister and you. Hey! That's not fair! Please don't get angry or hate me! Kasumi is very cute, she just hides it with her clothes! Dr. Tofu has no idea what he's missing. But I have a thing for tomboys too! Argh! I haven't done anything to deserve this! I have to find a way to get even, but not now. Hey Akane, if you mallet me and knock me out while you make the antidote, I promise to eat your cooking for a week! And I won't complain! Please? I won't let anyone know you called me your man! Oh no." Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome were in the doorway behind Kasumi, each holding a bottle of sake. This was not good.
I realize some people may be a little OOC, but oh well. I'll try to update again soon! I wrote this while taking Lortab after a minor surgery, so I apologize for any spelling errors or if I used the grammar of a second grader.