Author's note: Thanks to Magda, Jessica and Megan for their invaluable advice, and special thanks go to Diane for catching my mistakes.
Breathing was difficult for O'Neill and the pain in his chest and his stomach where the poison had spread was excruciating. He had been hoping that Gallagher would hit the switch that would stop his agony at the end of a long tunnel, but no such luck. And now he had to wait for Ba'al's Jaffa to come back with the news that the prisoner wasn't where he was supposed to be.
Another explosion rocked the fortress, this time farther away from where they were and Ba'al issued another order in Goa'uld. He heard the sounds of the rings being activated and O'Neill waited as Daniel stuck his head around the corner of the door to find out what happened.
"They're gone," Daniel whispered, "well, except for one Jaffa. I suppose he isn't too happy that he has to wait for you to show up," he said to O'Neill.
Teal'c took the initiative to eliminate that particular threat, then returned to grab O'Neill to drag him over to the rings, while Daniel put a call in to Jacob over the radio.
"Jacob, you there?" he asked. "We're ready to come aboard."
"Give me just a minute," Jacob said. "Just let me get rid of this pesky Death Glider that is trying to take us out."
"Hurry!" Daniel yelled into the radio. "Jacob!" he pleaded, a few minutes later.
"Okay, already," Jacob said. "I'm in place. Come on up."
O'Neill found himself leaning on Teal'c as the rings activated. Teal'c immediately helped him lay down once they were in the mother ship.
"Get us out of here, Jacob," Gallagher ordered through his radio, as he bent over O'Neill.
There was a flurry of movement as the others sprang into action. O'Neill tried not to dwell on his pain and his worries as his people immediately went to work, moving both him and Carter to a room that was equipped with beds, with Kanan helping where he could.
Jacob came in the room as they were getting settled and headed straight for Carter. O'Neill had to know what was going on.
"Carter okay?" he asked Daniel.
"Yes Jack, she's going to be fine," Daniel replied. "You, on the other hand... well, we're going to have to do something about you now, aren't we?"
"What happened?" Jacob asked, his concern for his daughter showing in his eyes.
"There was an explosion and part of the building collapsed on us," Teal'c explained. "Colonel Carter was struck by a fallen beam and she has been unconscious since then."
"Jack's in worse shape, I think," Daniel said. "Ba'al poisoned him."
"What?" Jacob asked, leaving his daughter's side to check on O'Neill. O'Neill knew he probably looked terrible, but he didn't really care at that moment. He just wanted the pain to go away. He knew the poison had spread to other areas of his body and it was burning and tearing every single inch of him.
"Palt'nor," Daniel said looking at Jacob. "Have you heard of it?"
"Oh God," Jacob said as he looked at O'Neill in horror. The ship vibrated as it was hit at that moment and O'Neill cursed as the movement caused him considerably more pain.
"I will go assist Janun," Teal'c took that opportunity to say. "Perhaps we can help Ba'al defeat Nirrti."
"You mean you will 'definitely' help Ba'al defeat Nirrti, don't you Teal'c?" Gallagher butt in, and gave O'Neill a grin as the Jaffa nodded before leaving the room.
"Dad?" Carter moaned. O'Neill tried to look over at her, but every movement was getting to be too much for him.
"There is no cure for that poison," Kanan said.
"Hey, at least Ba'al isn't throwing acid at me while this stuff is eating away at me," O'Neill said weakly, trying to show this wasn't affecting him as badly as it really was.
"What about the healing device," Gallagher asked, "can't you use that?"
"It will not purge the poison out of his system," Kanan replied.
"Yes, but you could cure the damage it has done, can't you?" Gallagher pleaded. "How long will the poison stay in his system?"
"It would take considerable time, possibly many treatments," Kanan said. "It may not work."
"But it could work, right?" Daniel asked. O'Neill couldn't find the energy to speak even if he wanted to. He just lay there, dealing with the pain as best he could while his team did whatever they needed to do to get him out of this.
"It's worth a try," Jacob cut in. "The poison will eventually leave his system, we just need to deal with the damage until it does."
"I will do it," Kanan volunteered, before turning to leave the room, hopefully to get the healing device, O'Neill thought. He was tired of the pain.
"I'll take over when you're tired," Jacob said, "and Janun can help, as well," he called after the departing Tok'ra.
"I can be a part of this tag team," Carter added. She had moved closer to them to discuss his treatment causing O'Neill to worry about her all over again.
"After we take care of your wounds," Jacob said, turning to her and giving her a hug. "You won't do him any good if you fall over in the middle of it," he said with a smile.
Kanan returned just then with the healing device and O'Neill watched him as the device was fitted in his palm. He put his hand out over O'Neill's chest and the object glowed as Kanan willed it to heal the abused body. O'Neill waited for the device to do its job and was relieved to feel the pain lessen in his chest. He couldn't fully relax, but he knew it wouldn't be long before he could breathe easier again when the lungs were repaired.
O'Neill watched as the snake he'd hated for years concentrate on healing his damaged body, and he was suddenly glad they'd had that talk on the cargo ship a few weeks back. It made it easier to realize now that Kanan was no longer the enemy, probably never had been.
Once the pain in his chest was gone, Kanan stepped back to get his bearings. Jacob leaned over O'Neill and asked, "How are you feeling now?"
"Better thanks," O'Neill said, tiredly. "I hate to sound ungrateful or anything, but do you think you could now take care of whatever it is the poison destroyed in my gut?"
Jacob grinned at him and turned to take the healing device from Kanan. "Okay, but I want to take care of Sam here as soon as I am done with you," he said.
"Take care of her first," O'Neill said. "I can wait." No way he was going to let her suffer to ease his own pain.
"You first Jack," Jacob insisted. "We don't know how badly you are hurt. Besides, we are going to need your help to tell us where it hurts until the poison is totally gone from your system. It'll be easier for you to tell us if you aren't unconscious."
O'Neill didn't argue and closed his eyes as he felt the warmth of the healing device seep into his stomach. He knew Jacob was right; it was just so hard to put himself in front of his team. He opened his eyes again and found he was looking at Kanan, who was staring back at him. "Thank you," O'Neill said. "You saved me once again."
Kanan nodded his head, but didn't move or say anything. O'Neill remembered the Tok'ra's words from that day on the cargo ship and he realized that Kanan did mean what he'd said.
Gallagher watched with relief as Kanan held the healing device over O'Neill's body. The glow of the device seemed to be working its magic in more ways than one. Kanan had healed his body when he was dying of the virus he'd contracted in Antartica, and was doing it again now. Well technically, O'Neill's body wasn't his anymore, he corrected himself. To put it precisely, Kanan had healed O'Neill's body back then and was healing him now, and..., damn. He hated it when he got confused like this.
The important thing was that O'Neill was going to live, he just knew it. The device was working on the damage done by the poison and all they needed to do was keep it up until the poison was totally out of his system.
Jacob took over when Kanan stepped back, and Gallagher saw that O'Neill was looking a lot better. This didn't relieve the guilt Gallagher was experiencing at that moment, but it did ease his mind. He knew from experience the agony O'Neill was going through and Gallagher wrestled with his conscious as he thought about how glad he was that it wasn't him lying on that bed.
"Gallagher," Carter said softly, putting her hand on his arm. "He's going to be alright."
"Yes, ma'am," Gallagher replied. She was staring at him with a look of concern and he felt a sudden desire to get out of there. The guilt was building up in him, threatening to suffocate him and Carter's concern was making it worse.
"Gallagher?" she said worriedly.
"Ma'am?" he asked, trying to ignore the alarms going off in his mind. He was not going to let her in to see his guilt. He erased the emotions from his face and started looking for an easy way out.
"We made it out; the General is going to live, why the worried face?"
"I won't feel comfortable until we are out of this area," he lied, "permission to go see if I can be of help to Teal'c and Janun, ma'am?"
"No," she said, causing Gallagher to curse inwardly. "Come over here and sit with me for a minute. I think now is a good time to talk."
She led him over to a bed on the far side of the room and sat down waiting for him to do the same. He sat down beside her and stared out at nothing, wishing he was away from there. He looked over at Jacob and noticed that he was finished with the treatment and had slumped in a chair next to O'Neill's bed.
"Colonel Carter," Teal'c's voice called out over the radio, "It appears that Nirrti is retreating. Ba'al has defeated her fleet and she is on the move."
Kanan and Jacob both jumped at that and headed for the door. "Sam," Jacob said as he reached the door, will you stay with Jack? Let me know if his condition gets worse, okay?"
"Wait, I'll come with you," she said, getting up to follow them.
"No," Jacob said. "You need your rest. Stay here and keep an eye on Jack. He's sleeping right now. I'll keep you informed and will be back down here to heal you when it's all over."
"Dad," she whined, but Jacob just glared at her before leaving the room. "Stay here," he said.
Gallagher was torn between just leaving to follow the rest or stay and face Carter's attempts at getting through to him. He wasn't even sure why she wanted this talk, but he knew better than to go against her wishes, especially after she refused his request for permission to leave.
He saw her nod at Daniel, who took the hint and suddenly decided they may be able to use his help in the control room. He left them alone; causing Gallagher to send a glare toward the door Daniel went through.
They sat there in silence and Gallagher wondered what was bothering her. She was the one who wanted to talk; now she obviously didn't have a thing to say.
He took advantage of her silence to work out his feelings. He was glad that O'Neill was alive, no doubt about that, but he couldn't shake the feeling that it should have been him that went through all that. He had never allowed anyone he cared about to put themselves in danger, and yet here he was waiting for his other self to survive an ordeal that he should gone through himself. He was a lot younger in body, if not in spirit, and it should have been him.
"Gallagher," Carter finally broke the silence. "What's wrong? Tell me why you look like we just lost a major battle."
"Nothing's wrong, ma'am," he insisted.
"You look so young," she said, surprising Gallagher so much that he finally turned to look at her. "It's hard to remember that you are a seasoned, battle-worn warrior with years and years of experience as a fighter. I look at you and think I have to protect you, only to be surprised when I realize you don't need it."
Gallagher didn't know how to respond to that. He continued to look at her, trying to figure out where this conversation was going and came up with a blank wall. If she would just quit switching gears on him.
"We've worked together for a long time and I am grateful for all that you've taught me, but I look at you and all I see is a young cadet."
"Stop, just... stop," Gallagher said, closing his eyes and waving his hand in her face. "This is all too confusing. Just stick to one subject, okay?"
She smiled at him before nodding her head. "Okay," she said. "Even though you don't need me to protect you, I still want to help you. Will you talk to me about this? Please?"
"About what?" he said, still confused.
"The General is going to live, he has to," she said, her eyes taking on a haunted look. "He will," she said again with conviction.
"Yes, ma'am," he agreed.
"He had to do this, you know," she said as her eyes searched his face.
Gallagher couldn't respond. She knew what the problem was, he could tell. She was just waiting to hear it from him. Damn, he didn't need this right now.
"Gallagher, if it were the other way around, General O'Neill would be thinking the same thing you're thinking. He has done this in the past, so please don't try to hide it from me."
"Hide what, ma'am?" It didn't hurt to try to act the innocent.
"Blaming yourself for not taking his place," she said plainly. "You're thinking it should be you lying there, instead of the General, aren't you?"
Gallagher looked away from her searching eyes in order to keep from showing her his anger. How dare she try to analyze him, he thought viciously. She had no right!
She put her hand on his arm and he pulled away from her touch. He didn't need her sympathy or her self-righteous attitude; he just wanted to get out of there. His actions hurt her, he could tell, but he didn't particularly care at that moment. He continued to sit there next to her glaring at the wall he was facing, hoping she would just get up and leave him alone.
"Please talk to me," she said softly.
"Is that an order, ma'am?" he asked.
"No," she said finally. "It's not your fault, Gallagher. You should know the General better than anybody here. He would not have let you take his place no matter what."
Gallagher wanted to tell her that he knew that better than anyone, but he didn't. Instead he sat there staring at the wall, grateful for her understanding, but he found himself wondering if she would be so understanding if she knew his deepest secret.
He turned to look at her and was surprised to see sadness in her eyes. This was not good, he thought. "The real reason I feel like such a heel is that... well, the worst part is that I'm glad it was him and not me," he admitted, hoping it would make her mad enough to forget her fears.
His statement didn't have the affect he was aiming for, instead it caused a few tears to appear and she stared at him through those tears, bringing more guilt down on his head.
"Colonel, please don't do that," he pleaded. "This is so not good for the morale, you know."
"I'm sorry, it's just that when I saw him stuck to that wall, knives sticking out of him, it just brought back the guilt I have harbored all these years. If I hadn't convinced him to allow Kanan to heal him, he wouldn't have been tortured by Ba'al in the first place," she said, angrily swiping at the tears on her cheek."
"If you hadn't convinced him, he wouldn't even be here." Gallagher said. "I would not be here. You did the right thing, Colonel, don't you ever doubt it again."
He finally got a grin out of her and she said, "Is that an order, Cadet?"
"No ma'am," he rushed to say, grinning back at her, "I wouldn't dream of giving you an order, ma'am."
They were quiet for a few moments. "He's in a lot of pain," Carter said as she stared at O'Neill. "I don't blame you for not wanting to be in his shoes right now."
"It should have been me," Gallagher burst out angrily. "He didn't have to go through that again. He's getting too old to deal with that shit."
"Gallagher, will you make up your mind?" Carter said, smiling sadly at him. "Are you glad it was him or do you wish it was you?"
"Both," he said, smiling back at her. He was feeling better about this already. Now if he could just return the favor. "You did the right thing, you know. I would have done the same for you."
She gave him a brilliant smile and Gallagher didn't even think about what he was doing, he just grabbed her and pulled her into a hug. She hugged him back, and they stayed like that for a few moments gathering strength and forgiveness from each other.
She pulled back and gave him a small smile. "Thank you for helping me," she said.
"No, thank you for understanding," Gallagher replied.
Silence fell over the room as they watched each other. Gallagher was thinking of his feelings for her and wanted to tell her he had moved on, but wasn't sure it was the right thing to say, so he stayed quiet. She was so beautiful.
"Gallagher," Carter began, "I look at you and see a younger man, a different man."
"I know," he said as he nodded.
"You are him, but you're not."
"I know," he repeated, as a smile grew on his lips.
"Good," she said, smiling back at him.
"You two ever going to get together?" he asked.
"That's none of your business, Cadet," she said, still smiling at him.
"I was just wondering if you were going to be related to me somehow."
"I've been seeing someone else," she finally admitted. "He's a cop and he's asked me to marry him."
Whoa! He had heard rumors to that effect, but didn't think it was serious. He knew how Sam felt about O'Neill, but then maybe she figured she wasn't getting any younger. He had to give her up, but it just didn't seem right that O'Neill had to, as well.
"I suppose it was inevitable," he said to her, the double meaning evident only to him.
"Yeah," she said with a shrug.
"Colonel, I hope you don't mind me telling you this, but I know for a fact that he loves you," Gallagher said hoping to help his counterpart somehow. "He will never tell you, it's not his way, but since I am not him anymore, well... let's just say I have no qualms in telling you this."
He didn't know what to expect from his statement, but he was still surprised when she gave him a smile and told him simply, "I know."
"So why marry this other guy?"
"I can't wait around forever, and I really do care a lot for Pete," she said as she turned to stare at the wall Gallagher glared at earlier.
"You love O'Neill, though, don't you?" Gallagher pressed.
She didn't answer him, just stared at the wall before jumping up and walking over to check on O'Neill. Gallagher got up and joined her at the General's bedside. He was still asleep, but he was pale and this worried both Gallagher and Carter. She reached out to feel his forehead and jerked her hand back as if burned.
"He's burning up!" she exclaimed as she reached for the healing device.