Sweet Release

I'm not a perfect person,

There's many things I wish I didn't do,

Sarah sat on the fire escape outside the small tenement she shared with her family. It was very late and most people, including her family, had long since fallen asleep, but Sarah could not sleep this night. The night air was bitingly cold and chilled one to the bone, but Sarah could not feel it this night. She had gone numb to all feeling days ago. All she could do was sit, her body motionless, her mind racing, and her eyes scanning the night for the few stars that pierced the fog of the city or the jeweled windows of those very few windows with a light softly glowing inside. The night was so blissfully quiet around her, but inside herself she was a raging torment of memories, of lost hope, and abandoned dreams. She was reflecting on her life and what had brought her to this point.

But I continue learning,

I never meant to do those things to you.

All her life she had lived behind the masks of what the world asked of her. Fearing that any one should discover the darkness locked deep inside her. And so she showed a happy and artificial exterior to all when she was really a frightened, lost, and depressed little girl. Whenever someone had gotten to close she did everything in her power to make them leave her alone.

And so I have to say before I go,

That I just want you to know,

I've found a reason for me,

To change who I used to be,

A reason to start over new,

And the reason is you.

But then one day Dave had come home with his new friend Jack and everything had changed. When she was with Jack she felt safe and free. Like she could be anyone she wanted to be and could say whatever she felt and he would not stop her. Most of the time he did not even question what she did. He just smiled as though nothing she could do would surprise him only intrigue him.

After all he was a newsie and lived in a world full of people pretending. Pretending to be hurt, pretending they had interseting stories in the papes, pretending they had a different past. They all lived in a reality of their own creation. Each reality was completely different from anyone else. For Racetrack life and everything in it was a game, but sometimes the game was hard and you lost, at such times you needed to be the best friend that the person losing could imagine. Other times you winning, you were on top of the world, and you owned it! Spot saw a world full of mystery and danger where only the strongest survived another day. Snake (the Harlem leader) saw a world where children ruled the streets and there was no place for adults or their laws. Jack lived in a world full of adventure just beyond the horizon.

So Sarah created her own reality as well, she was freer then ever before, but her fears still held her prisoner. Although she loved him, Sarah feared Jack more then anyone else. He saw right through her and was not afraid. He wanted to explore the darkness inside her, to know the true and guarded Sarah Jacobs, and she wanted to show him. Jack knew from the start that she was fooling the world with her cheerful smiles; she was hiding behind daily routines and "what was expected of her". And she had fooled them all...even her family bought it.

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with every day

Jack knew that if he wanted her to trust him he had to tell her the truth. Sarah knew everything his past, before the court revealed it to the newsies. He learned all about her in return. Calmly breaking through all of her defenses. She did not even realize what was happening until it was to late. She had to stop it; she could not cause Jack that kind of pain. And so when he left for Santa Fe the part of her that wasn't heartbroken was relieved. She would probably never see him again and so he was safe from her. And then he came back from the train yards only a couple of hours later to be with her and her family. She had to protect him at any cost and so to make it less painful she lied to herself saying things like, "He isn't in love with you, Sarah, he just thinks he is. He is in love with the idea of you. He really loves your family." Or," You're only holding him back; he'll never live out any of his dreams as long as you're in the way. Sarah you can't keep doing this to him, you have to end it! Now!"

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

But she couldn't bring herself to do it. He had already given up far too much for her. So she tried to push him away, but he knew she was scared, so he refused to move. No matter what she did to him, or how hard she tried he was stubborn and refused to leave her and she could not bear to break his heart.

As she sat on the fire escape all of this ran through her mind. She fondly remembered the good memories they all seemed lifetimes away. Then she thought of how lonely she was. She felt guilty for holding Jack back. She felt trapped. She was exhausted to her soul from working hard everyday to help support her family. Dave told she did not have to work so hard, that she was making herself sick, but she was always worried about every one, she could not help it, especially since it had been over two years since their father's accident and his arm was still not fully healed. What would happen if it never healed? Sure he was back at work but he could only do odd jobs here and there. She felt so many things and so very depressed. Soon she had reached her ultimatum, "It is going to be like this until the day I die! I can't wait that long! I can't go on living like this anymore! I cant live like this! I cant live!"

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

Sarah moved like she was a ghost already, silently moving through the window into the cramped tenement. She lit a lamp just enough to see by. While the first few rays of dawn swept over the city she sat and wrote two letters, the final epistles of her miserable life. The first was to her family, a letter of explanation and farewell that would be hidden in some out of the way corner until after her death. The second was similar, but it was for Jack. When she had finally finished she laid down finally able to sleep before she entered into that final, eternal sleep of ages.

When full morning came Sarah acted as though everything was normal, today was nothing special. Before David and Les left though, she handed David the letter for Jack with instructions to give it to him before they had finished for the day. David thought it was just some silly love letter or something like it and put it in his pocket without thinking. He looked into her eyes and he was worried about her. He did not know why, but he was.

That day Sarah set out for work with her friend Nita as usual, still acting as if it was a normal day, but her mind was focused on what would happen after.

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

Jack had also been doing a lot of thinking lately. He thought of how much had changed in such a short amount of time. He felt like he belonged somewhere. He had a family now. Family, no matter how many times he said the word it still felt good. He knew what it meant now too. It meant that someone actually cared what happened to you, if you were alive or dead, if you were hurt or had enough to eat. He also was in love with a wonderful girl who loved him too, even If she had been acting strange lately. He felt as though he was some body, especially after the strike. He was also thinking as though he had a future, something he had never done before. He would still go to Santa Fe, but he would go with Sarah as his wife. They had it all planed out to the smallest detail. Only they had never thought when to start out their plan. Maybe it was time to stop daydreaming and do something.

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

David's voice pulled Jack out of his thoughts.

"Sorry, what'd youse say, Ise wasn't listenin'."

"I said it's about 12:30 and Les just finished selling his actual last pape. You wanna go get lunch now?" Jack could tell Dave was annoyed he hated repeating himself.

"Sure. Where'd he run off to any way?" he looked around and did not see Les any where

"Relax, he's coming back right now. See," Dave pointed and sure enough Les came jogging up looking excited.

"That guy was in such a hurry he didn't even wait for his change. I have the whole nickel, look, look!" he said holding out his hand.

"Good job kid. Youse hungry?" Jack asked.

"Jack, Les is always hungry." Dave interjected.

"Den let's get moving. Tibby's aint dat far."

They set off and Les handed Dave the nickel. When he pocketed it Dave felt Sarah's letter still in his pocket. He hadn't given it any thought since he had left the house that morning. He pulled it out and handed it to Jack.

"Oh here Jack, Sarah wanted me to give it to you, but I forgot."

Jack started to read it and as they reached Tibby's he froze dead in his tracks.

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

"D-Dave wese hafta find her. NOW!"

"Who?"

"Sarah we might be to late already, she's gonna kill herself! Let's go!" Jack tore off in the direction they had come from.

"Alright, umm… Les I can see Racetrack inside. Go get him and help us look for her," David said, and then he raced after Jack. Les looked around for a moment confused by what was going on. Then it hit him as he realized what Jack had said. He ran inside Tibby's and a few seconds later he and Race flew outside and in the opposite direction that Jack and Dave had gone.

"Does the letter say where she is?" Dave asked when he had finally caught up to Jack.

"No."

"Let's try home."

"I guess that makes as much sense as anyt'ing. We have to hurry"

"I know"

Sarah wasn't there or at the factory she worked at. Nita had said she went outside to eat her lunch and hadn't come back. Nita was worried, but she did not know what Dave and Jack knew. Before they could tell her or ask where she had gone a mean looking supervisor had walked up and thrown David and Jack out. They ran through the crowded city looking for any sign of her.

"I have an idea," yelled David, "Follow me."

Meanwhile Race and Les had checked the lodging house in case she had come to say goodbye or something, Race was not sure why he had thought it was a good idea, but she was not there. Race was really worried; she was as much his friend as she was Dave and Les' sister or Jack's girlfriend. Where could she be?

"If youse was gonna commit suicide where would youse go?" He thought out loud. He had almost forgotten Les was right beside him even though he had a strong hold on the young boy's arm, until he spoke up.

"I would go to the Brooklyn Bridge. Spot told me a lotta people throw themselves off it."

Of course Brooklyn it was so obvious. How could he have not thought of it before?

Sarah had even told him it was her favorite spot in all of New York. How could he have been so stupid? Race dropped Les' arm and together they charged as fast as their legs would move toward the bridge. They ran like there was no tomorrow and if they were to late, there would be no tomorrow for Sarah Jacobs.

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

Sarah had reached the bridge at last. She had walked slowly moving through the bustling city as a silent, solitary figure that no one noticed in their midst. She had been in no hurry knowing that this was the last time she would ever look upon New York or anywhere else. She was filled with a great sadness and a great joy, for the sweet release of death would soon be hers. It had been calling to her for a few weeks and all the pain she felt would be gone.

She had reached the center of the bridge now. Headless pedestrians moved past her on either side. Sarah crossed to the very edge of the bridge holding tightly to the heavy cables.

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

Race saw her nearing the edge of the bridge and pumped his legs even harder. She was climbing over the guardrail. Time appeared to move in slow motion. He had to reach her in time he just had to. Behind him Les called her name. Two other voices called out as well, but his ears were not working properly, it was as though he was under water. Sarah did not hear them either. The voices called again. Race was afraid to use up any breath, except for running harder. Her grip was loosening now. Any second and she would be beyond any help.

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

Sarah let go and felt herself falling. But it was not down toward the cold, churning waters beneath her, she was falling back. What was happening? Then she hit the ground and world came back to her again. It had been Racetrack. He had pulled her back from the point of no return. He had pulled her as hard as he could. His arms were wrapped around her waist and they were both lying on their sides on the hard ground. She was about to yell something at him when Jack, David, and Les came thundering up. David pulled her to her feet and Jack pulled her into a hug. He held onto her tight, as though he would never let go of her again. To her surprise Sarah found herself holding to him just as tightly. And then she knew she would never have let goof the bridge, of life. Not as long as she knew she had her brothers, her friend, and Jack. She had never really wanted to die, it was just another lie she had told herself and believed. And for the first time in a long, long time Sarah felt truly happy. For she knew how much she was loved.

And the reason is you.