Chapter Seven – The Love Doctor

A/N – It seems like ages since I updated! Sorry it's short!

Oh and thanks for the haggus/haggis thing. I know I'm quite stupid. And I have NO idea if McGonagall was head of house. I'll assume.

Junius – Yeah I think that "there's no music" thing IS from somewhere! Its gunna drive me crazy!

Disclaimer – Spooty disclaimer... sigh... if I must... I don't own anything you might recognise here.

"Romance!" cried Professor Goodall, slamming her cane against the blackboard. "Muggles are obsessed with it!"

It was Monday morning, two days after the ball. Lily stared up at her teacher in disbelief.

"Their literature, songs, entertainment, everything is all about romance! She loves him, he loves her, weekends in Paris..." Goodall continued, waving her hands in the air.

"Therefore, this unit is all about... ROMANCE IN MUGGLE SOCIETY!"

There was a collective groan from the majority of the class, with shrieks of glee coming from a select few... and these were not limited to the females of the class.

"First off we are going to watch the Muggle musical Oklahoma. It's not terribly sappy but I haven't watched it in a while so I decided to add it to the curriculum," the Muggle Studies Professor went on.

Stuffing the video into a magically run VCR, an image of a man riding a horse through a cornfield came onto the screen...

Lily sighed and risked a quick glance at James who was looking straight at her. She gave him a small smile, which he returned before turning back to the screen. Lily wished she knew what was going on between them. After their kiss, she had spent half the night unable to sleep. The next day, she had taken a longer time than usual to get ready, feeling self-conscious at to how James would see her. But he hadn't treated her any differently, hadn't made any more moves. And now it was Monday and Lily was having a difficult time convincing herself that the kiss had actually happened. She turned her head, catching Severus' eye. She hesitantly smiled, remembering their night of dancing, and to her astonishment, he smiled back.

He's really not all that bad looking when he smiles, she thought vaguely to herself.

The realisation of her what she had thought hit Lily hard and fast. She whipped her head around to the front, pretending to be engrossed by Curly's song about a beautiful day.

"So... have you asked Lily out yet?" Sirius asked for the umpteenth time that lesson.

"No," James replied bluntly, glaring at onscreen Curly.

"What? You told me you were on the case!" Sirius whispered fiercely. "She'll be wondering what the hell's going on!"

"Oh come on, Padfoot! I've got time! I only kissed her on Saturday night."

"What happened on Saturday night?" Peter asked, sticking his face between Sirius and James'.

"James kissed Lily," Remus said casually, still staring at Meg who was sitting next to him.

"How come I wasn't told?" Peter whined.

"Shut up Peter!" Sirius groaned, shoving Peter's head away. "The point is that Potter hasn't made another move."

"You haven't?" Meg asked, leaning towards James.

"ARGH!" James cried, earning the attention of the class. "Why must everyone always know about my personal life?"

"Is something wrong, Mr Potter?" Professor Goodall asked, looking slightly peeved.

"No, Professor, everything's just peachy over here," Sirius said quickly.

While Professor Goodall waved her hands towards the screen, motioning for the class to look back at Curly serenading Laurie, Sirius hissed at James,

"I am not going to sit here and let all my hard work go to waste while you chicken out of moving in on Lily."

"Hard work? What hard work?" Peter snorted.

"Good point," Sirius said thoughtfully, his face softening.

"Look, I would make a move but what am I meant to say to her? I'm not the master of love that I appear to be!" James said.

"Since when were you the master of love? I believe that I hold that particular jewel-encrusted crown," Sirius retorted.

"Seriously though, I need some help! And no bloody Black Bachelor nonsense!" James said, pointing his finger at Sirius with the last three words.

"Steady on!" Sirius said, hitting James' hand away from his face. Then suddenly, Sirius' eyes brightened.

"James, did I ever tell you about my other alter-ego?" Sirius said, secretively.

The other three Marauders leaned in.

"No," James breathed.

"Meet – THE LOVE DOCTOR!"

Remus, James and Peter burst into laughter.

"This is no joking matter! The love doctor dishes out legitimate love advice for a very reasonable fee! But of course there won't be any charge for you, Prongs," Sirius added, seeing the look on James' face.

"So what can you tell me? What words of wisdom from the love guru?" James asked sarcastically.

"The Love Doctor does not look kindly upon your cynical tone."

James rolled his eyes.

"I am sorry O Doctor of Love. Would you be so kind as to bestow your wisdom upon such a lowly subject of love?"

Sirius sighed, "I suppose."

Sirius thrust his hand into his bag and pulled out a book made out of a few pieces of parchment and some Spello-tape.

The Rules of Love

by the Love Doctor (a.k.a. The Black Bachelor/RHH)

"What does RHH mean?" James asked, looking at the book that Sirius had shoved into his hands. "And do you seriously carry this around with you?"

"It means Resident Hogwarts Hottie and yes I do. You never know when hopeless cases like you might need some help," Sirius said casually.

James opened up the makeshift book to the first page.

Da Rules

Take a good look in the mirror. Are you ugly? If the answer is yes, quit while you're ahead.

The same goes if you're wearing anything that resembles curtains – it may have worked for Maria but it don't cut it with the real world.

Now that you've deemed yourself worthy take a good look at your love interest. If they look anything like the opposite gender, leave your glasses on and abandon ship.

Remember that your love interest should be coming to you... not running away.

While we're on the subject - never beg, grovel or plead. Neediness is not a good look.

James was about to read on when Professor Goodall announced the end of class and dismissed them. He stuffed the book into his bag and hurried out of the class, ignoring Sirius' toothy grin.

James stood in front of his mirror that night, Sirius' book of love rules in one hand.

Take a good look in the mirror. Are you ugly? If the answer is yes, quit while you're ahead.

Well that was pretty obvious. James turned side-on, taking in his profile. Yep, there was no doubt about it. James Potter was one fine specimen of a man.

The same goes if you're wearing anything that resembles curtains – it may have worked for Maria but it don't cut it with the real world.

James smiled, so far so good. He prided himself on his impeccable taste in clothing... well Sirius' impeccable taste in clothing seeing as though Sirius always let him know what looked good.

Now that you've deemed yourself worthy take a good look at your love interest. If they look anything like the opposite gender, leave your glasses on and abandon ship.

James pitied any man who looked as feminine as Lily.

James zoned out as he thought of Lily. Lily with her silky red hair, sparkling green eyes and soft pouty lips.

He came back down to Earth and skipped forward a couple of pages in Sirius' book. He came across a section entitled:

Pick up Lines – Guaranteed Results (not necessarily good ones though)

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Is your father a thief? Because he must have stole the stars and put them in your eyes.

How you doin'?

Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated?

"Your hair and my pillow..." James mused aloud.

"Ahh... practicing I see," Sirius said, walking casually into the room.

"No!" James said, quickly putting the book behind his back.

"James... I can see it in the mirror!"

James blushed and tossed the book onto his bed.

"What am I meant to do?" James pleaded.

"Well most guys go for a simple 'hi'."

"I was thinking about asking her to the next Hogsmeade weekend."

"Perfect!" Sirius roared, throwing his hands into the air.

"But I can't ask Lily out!"

"Oh come on! I've asked girls out thousands of times!"

"You have?" James asked uncertainly.

"Of course," Sirius said, shoving him towards the door.

James stood in front of Lily a few moments later.

She looked up at him expectantly from her book.

"I... erm... Lily... you see..."

"Yes..." Lily said, amused.

"I was thinking that... only if you wanted... not that I'm saying that I expect you don't..."

"James? Just come out with it," Lily said, her smile widening.

"Do you want to come to Hogsmeade with me on the next trip?"

Lily felt like she could burst. James Potter was asking her out.

"Sure," she said simply.

"Oh! Well thanks, Lily... I better... err... go... erm... yeah..." James stuttered, shocked by his good luck.

James walked back over to where Sirius was sitting.

"You've done that a thousand times?" James asked.

"Well..." Sirius said, "I've never done that."

A/N – I've now finished this chapter and exams!!! Yay!