Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with RENT. Story is most definitely rated R and not for the kiddies or close-minded.

Notes: I'm really sorry!! School sucks and so does life in general. I promise (and I mean it, ha!) that the next update won't take as long. I've had no time and writer's block! I've tried to keep my reviews of stories I read regular, but as for actually sitting down and writing a chapter? Blaah... it's not even very long. I'm a failure. But it's full of slash! ?? yeah? Good? Love me? Thanks for reading!!

Rated R for total and complete slashy goodness. ;)

Chapter 17

-I'm In Control But Out Of Time-

When I open my eyes I'm looking up into Mark's. He smiles gently and continues to run his fingers through my hair.

"How do you feel today?" He asks me, reaching out his other hand to take mine, his fingers entwining with mine.

I smile weakly. "Alright so far." I tell him.

He leans over and presses his lips against my forehead, then lies down beside me again. I pull him closer to my body and he wraps his arms around me and lays his head against my shoulder.

"Do you want to do something today?" He asks. "Maybe go out?"

I smile and shake my head. "I'd rather just lay here with you."

Mark laughs softly. "We could do that too." He looks up at me. "But I want you to eat something first, alright?"

I sigh. "Just another few minutes Marky, I don't want to move yet."

"You can stay here." He says, pulling away and standing up. "I'll bring you something." I watch him pull on a shirt and head for the door. "Any requests?"

"Do we have soup?" I ask him.

He smiles and opens the door. "Sure, babe."

I grin weakly and let my head fall back onto the thin pillow. The bed feels large and cold without him here. I hear him moving around in the kitchen and close my eyes.

When Mark comes back he climbs into the bed beside me and I sit up carefully. He dips the spoon into the soup and holds it up for me. I frown at him and hesitate, but open my mouth a moment later. The warmth of the soup is nice, and it isn't hard to get a couple of spoonfuls down.

"You're doing great, Rog." Mark tells me. "See? You can do this."

He brushes his lips against the side of my face and I smile to myself. Everything feels good. The warm bed, the warm soup, Mark's infallible encouragement. Even the nagging guilt and the heavy remorse I always seem to carry subside a little. I finish almost half of the bowl and lay back down. Mark sets the bowl down on the floor and slides closer to me, propping himself up on one elbow and letting his other hand rest on my sunken stomach. He starts rubbing slowly in gentle circular motions.

"Think you can keep that down?" He asks.

I shrug. "I'll try." I move closer to him.

Mark kisses my forehead and lets his elbow collapse beneath him and rests his head on my shoulder, still rubbing my stomach. I close my eyes.

"Roger?" He asks softly.

"Hmm."

"Are you happy?"

I sigh. "Am I ever happy, Mark?"

He hesitates for a minute. "You used to be, you know. Before all of this. Before the HIV. You were always happy. Moody, yeah. But generally happy."

"I don't know, Marky. It's hard to just 'be happy', you know? I can't just stop thinking about dying because it's the easy thing to do."

"But you're not going to die right away, Rog. Why do you have to dwell on it?"

"Wouldn't you?" I ask him, more harshly than I meant to. "Why shouldn't I think about it? It's easy for you to sit there and say that, but what if you were me?" I look away. "But I guess if you were me, you wouldn't have fucked everything up like I have, so you wouldn't have to worry about it."

He sighs. "How do we always do this? I don't mean to nag you about it, but somehow it always comes up. I'm not pissed at you, if that's what you think."

I soften at his words. "I don't mean it either. What did you even ask me? If I was happy?" Mark nods slightly. "Well, I am. With you, at least. You're really all that's keeping me alive, and you've always made me happy, Marky." I tell him, resting my hand over the one on my stomach.

He smiles. "I want you to know that I love you, Rog." He shakes his head. "I don't tell you that enough. I don't think anyone ever has. I love you. Collins loves you, and Joanne too." He smirks. "Maureen loves you in some twisted way." His gaze becomes softer. "Angel loved you, and April, and so did Mimi." He says gently.

"And maybe for some of them, life won't change significantly when you're gone. But I'll lose the center of my existence. You're the person that brought me into this city, into this family, into this crazy life. You've been my best friend since freshman year and I've never been closer to, or loved anybody as much as I love you." He looks down and smiles shyly.

"And I'm scared of losing you, I really am. I don't know what life is going to be like without you, and I'm scared that I won't be able to stand it. I'm not ready to let you go yet, Rog. You've got to stick around and be healthy and happy because I don't think I can handle it if you aren't."

I watch him sadly for a few moments, biting my lower lip. How many thousands of words in the language and I can't think of a single one. I tighten my grip on his hand and his eyes meet mine.

"I love you too, Marky." I choke out quietly. I want to tell him something like he's told me. I want him to know what he does for me, and that he's the reason I even bothered to try to keep living, but I can't find the words. He doesn't seem to mind. He smiles at me and then kisses me in a hesitant, almost shy manner. I kiss him back, keeping the mood light, cautious. He moves the hand on my stomach and his fingers start to travel lower. I push his hand off and slide away.

"What are you doing?" I demand, sounding angrier than I meant to.

"Rog, do you want to try, doing... something?" He asks timidly.

I stare at him. "Mark..."

"I mean, are we actually together, or are we just..." He shrugs. "I mean, it's up to you, but I thought maybe... I don't know."

Unconsciously I let my arms cross over my body and cover my sunken stomach and exposed ribs.

"Mark, look at me! How the hell can you want to sleep with me? Really look!"

His expression actually becomes calmer. He reaches over and carefully pulls my arms away from my body and lays them back at my sides. He moves so he's beside me again. He lets his hands travel across my chest and waist, his fingers gently gliding over my skin. He smiles shyly.

"I love you, and I still think you're fine." He drops his head to my chest and kisses the center of my ribcage. He lets his head rest against my chest and his fingers move to my sides, trailing lightly down to my hips. "Would you kill me if I said you were beautiful?"

"I might commit you." I tell him, bringing my hands up to let my fingers run through his hair. "But I wouldn't kill you."

Mark lifts his head and kisses the corner of my jaw. He moves his lips to the soft skin beneath my ear and despite myself I close my eyes and sigh. Mark laughs under his breath and the light gust of warmth adds to the sensation.

"I think maybe," Mark says. "That you should just let me..." As he talks his right hand moves from the side of my hip to the front and when I feel his hand through the material of my pants I can't stop the low moan that it triggers. He slips his fingers inside the waistband of my pajama pants and slowly inches them down my hips. He lifts his head slightly and I use the opportunity to catch him in another kiss in almost the same instant that he starts a slow rhythm.

Mark presses his lips against my neck, again kissing under my jaw and slowly moving downward to the top of my shoulder. I arch my back, my head sinking into the pillow against his movements above me.

"It's been too long, hasn't it?" He asks softly. "Since someone's touched you."

I can't answer him, my breath is getting caught in my throat as it is.

He moves his lips back up to my ear. "I would love for you to make love to me, you know." He says. "But that can wait."

I pull him close to me, pressing my face into his shoulder and biting back the final cry. He spreads his lovely little kisses across my neck again and lays a lingering one on my lips before pulling away and lying beside me again. I pull him close to me and rest my head against his.

"You're all I'm living for." I tell him. "You've been the only thing keeping me alive for years." I kiss his forehead.

"You don't know what knowing that you love me means, or what that represents for me." He moves closer to me and tightens the grip of his arms around my waist.

"You're my constant. You keep me sane. You're my inspiration and my life and my love and my best friend and my lover and my fate."

"I love you." I tell him. "And I'm going to live for you."

Notes Continued: Aww... sap. I'll try! I really promise this time, but forgive me if I'm slow. I won't take a whole month or whatever this time, but it might be a week. I feel bad. Sorry! I love you, thank you for reading/reviewing!!! 3 3 3