These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems I'm floating
In the darkness
Well I can't believe that I would
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more if that's
What it takes to sail you home
Sail you home sail you home
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Sorry. I forgot to turn the alarm off."
"Bad alarm. Bad, bad alarm."
'thud' - I sat up in my bed feeling alarmed. "What was that sound? Was someone in the house?" – I quickly scanned my room and found my alarm clock on the floor. I knocked it over. Again. It was the third time this week. I was surprised that it still worked.
I groaned at the thought of getting up and going to work. Staying in bed sounded more appealing but I couldn't. Not because I needed to go to the inn but because I knew that I wouldn't sleep anyway. My thoughts would be filled with him and then I'd just cry again. Just that thought brought tears to my eyes and although I was able to hold them back I knew that later they'd fall anyway. That happened daily now. I climbed out of bed and walked into the bathroom to take a shower. When I stepped under the spray of hot water I remembered the dream I had before I woke up.
I dreamt of our first date and the first time we made love. That night I thought that I would be nervous about the date but I wasn't. Not at all. The whole night felt right, almost perfect. Everything with Luke always felt right. I enjoyed every minute we've spent together, all our talks, all his affection and attention. I loved his kisses and touches and the way he used look at me when he thought that I wasn't aware of it.
One of my favorite things to do was to wake up next to him. We never woke up and just got out of bed. We always nestled together and savored our closeness for a few minutes more before we had to spend hours apart.
He was always an early riser. In the beginning when he'd get up to go open the diner I never woke up. Later that changed. I started to wake up with him. Not because he disturbed my sleep but because I instantly missed his presence next to me.
Those thoughts of Luke caused the tears to fall again and I was wondering for the hundredth time why I cried that much. He's not dead, he just lives somewhere else now. So why was I still crying day after day? Why was it possible to cry this much? There shouldn't be any tears left to fall. Isn't that what's told in dramatic books and movies? That when you cry day after day that in the end you have no tears to shed? That you can't cry even if you want to?
I guess those rules don't apply for me.
Ten minutes later the tears had decreased and I stepped out of the shower. I looked into the mirror and a familiar sight greeted me. Pale skin and puffy red eyes. I averted my gaze because I knew that if I stared too long in the mirror I'd recall every reason why I'm looking the way I did. Every reason why I didn't recognize myself in the reflection.
I hated the woman I had become. I couldn't believe how much I depended on Luke. I knew loving someone that much would only hurt me. That's why I never allowed anyone to come too close to me. I hadn't even noticed that he was having so much control over me until the day he left.
I always thought that I was independent and I am. I am that independent woman "Destiny's Child" sings about. But they sing about material independence. I depend on Luke for much more. I depend on him emotionally.
No houses, cars, clothes could give me feelings of contentment and happiness. None of those things could comfort and hold me close, nor kiss and give me looks of utter love.
I sighed loudly as I walked back to my bedroom. I looked through my clothes and hoped to distract myself for a while but it didn't help. Especially when I saw those jeans that "worked" for him. I smiled at that memory, remembering his attempt to flirt with me without attracting attention. Memories like those made me even more regret the fact that I never told him how much I loved him. I didn't understand why it had been so hard to speak out those words.
I had no problems telling it to my mother. My mother, a topic I didn't want to think about. She of course had to come here yesterday when I had a crappy day.
The day had started with headache. I felt cranky for not having slept at all the previous night. Then I had to deal with a retirement party. The client had showed up at the inn without having an appointment with me and then Liz had called. Liz had obviously no idea about the happenings in Luke's life 'cause she asked me if I knew where he was. I felt a lump form in my throat and tears well up in my eyes. Suddenly I couldn't speak. Sookie came to the front desk with a plate of cookies in her hand. As soon as her eyes fell on me her face changed from happy to worried. Finally I managed to say "I'm sorry" to Liz and "I need to leave" to Sookie. I literally ran to my jeep and drove home not caring about the speed limit.
The whole ride home I was able to hold back the tears. But as soon as I closed the house door behind me and I felt the comfort of my home the tears fell openly. The phone rang and the machine picked up. It was Liz again. She left a message telling me that Sookie had told her everything. She told me not to worry, that Luke will change his mind and that he will come back.
I wished I could believe her but I didn't.
I don't know for how long I've sat on the floor with my back against the door and with my head in my hands. Once the tears had stopped I got up, turned the phone off and walked upstairs to change clothes. Few hours later mom came....and I really didn't need to remember our talk. I needed to focus on today. The retirement party was on Saturday and I had many things to finish. I needed the distraction that work would provide.
Putting a shirt over my head I had the feeling that regardless of all the distraction I will still be thinking of Luke. I'll probably fail at trying not to think of him or the regret of never telling him my true feelings. I usually did.
I sat down on the bed feeling exhausted.
"I hate you for doing this to me Luke Danes!" – I shouted into my empty bedroom. The shouting didn't help at all and I lowered my head in surrender.
After calming down I stood up again and finished dressing. On my way out of the bedroom I spotted the picture on my nightstand. It was a picture of Luke and me. Rory took it one night when we fell asleep during a movie. We were sitting on the floor, my head on his left shoulder and his head had fallen on a pillow on the couch behind us. It wasn't a perfect picture but the only one I had of him. I took it in my hand and looked at him. "Oh, Luke" – I whispered - "If I only knew where you disappeared to I'd follow you. I'd try to change everything. I'd tell you how much I love you....If I only knew where you are ." – I returned the picture to its previous place and walked out of the bedroom.
TBC
AN: writer's block sucks. I had so many difficulties writing this chapter.
I'm sorry for jumping from one tense to the other. My mind just couldn't decide on one.
I hope you liked this chapter regardless the grammatical mistakes. Ch. 8 will be up soon
Song in the beginning is by Tori Amos "1000 oceans" (disclaimer: not mine)