A Step Away

I. A Step Away From the Darkness

Letting Go

"We all knew this day would come," said a bitter Revan, "I just wished it had been further away." Her fists clenched and unclenched by her sides as she held her emotions in check. Carth was still outside. "As Bastila has already told you, both she and I, plus Jolee and Juhani will be heading back to Coruscant with the Jedi. This leaves the rest of you with no destination."

"What?" exclaimed Mission. "You can't be serious. They're just gonna take you away?"

"They have to, Mission." Bastila put a hand on the young Twi'lek's shoulder. "The potential for Revan or myself to fall back to the darkside is far too great for the Order to ignore. We will return to Coruscant to be retrained with the ways of the Force. It is not such a bad fate as you may think."

Mission looked to Revan and could tell from the older woman's face that she thought it a face worse then death. "Dangerous? After all you've done!" The girl shook her head in denial. "Surely, surely there's some way they'll let you go? I mean, you've saved the galaxy…right, Libra?"

"Things aren't that simple, Mission." Revan crossed her arms and looked down to the floor. "At least, not anymore."

"Well, they're not fair, that's for sure," countered the scoundrel.

"Life's not fair, kid." Commented Canderous from his perch against the wall. His huge arms were folded against his chest and he drummed one thick finger against a bicep. "So what will you have us do, Revan? Will it be glorious death in battle or are we going to bend to the will of these meddlers?"

Revan gave a wry smile to the Mandalorian. "You'll do what I tell you to?"

Canderous looked mildly offended. "You bested my people and have shown me worthy fights. I will follow you, Revan."

The woman nodded, "very well." She took a moment to survey the ship and look at each of her companions. "Before I make any decisions, I just want to tell each of you how helpful you've been to me. I think I'd have gone mad if you hadn't shown up. Sure, at the time you annoyed the hell out of me," she winked to Jolee, "but you've all proven yourselves to be, well, to be my best friends. Thank you for sticking by me, it means much more then you could imagine."

Mission shook her head. "It was nothing! Besides, me and Big Z were looking for some new horizons anyway, ain't that right, Z?"

Zaalbar growled his response. Revan smiled at his laughter.

"I don't have to say anymore, Revan. It has been an honor to serve with you," Canderous walked over to the prodigal knight and clasped his arms with hers, warrior to warrior.

Revan beamed at him.

"What are you going to do with the droids?" asked Jolee. "You can't leave them, lass."

"Statement: to be parted from the master would result in dire consequences." HK's red eyes shone with their usual malice.

T3 gave him a sharp whistle. It was obvious that the small droid was expressing his logic that 'the master' would never allow that happen.

The Hunter-Killer droid gave a mechanical sigh. "Affirmation: You are correct. Extrapolation: No meatbags will die today."

"You do know," cautioned Bastila, "that the Jedi will not look favorably upon your possession of these droids."

Revan's eyes narrowed, "they go with me. If…well, they'll do their jobs fine, even if it is only bringing me food as I lock myself away." She had been about to say if Carth couldn't be there to protect her, then they would have to do in his stead. "Don't give me that look, Bastila, you know exactly what's going to happen once I step foot inside the Temple."

Juhani could sympathize with her leader. "You will find yourself a place of privacy to be alone with your thoughts." She nodded her head, to show her understanding. "Much like the grove on Dantooine, but as you told me, being alone with dark thoughts will only hasten your path to the darkside."

Revan remembered.

"Hey, do you want to talk?" asked the Consular as she entered the sleeping cabin. She had monitored the Cathar's progress all day and found her quiet, introverted nature to be somewhat worrisome. Not that there was anything wrong with it, but she didn't want Juhani to suffer through dark thoughts by herself. The smuggler-Jedi had had enough bad luck to know when to lay off with the self-blame and guilt. It did nothing for one's sanity.

Juhani shook her head. "It might be nice, but I will decline your offer. I am merely tired."

"You can't fool the biggest liar this side of Alderaan. Come on, I use that excuse myself. What's bothering you?"

The Cathar shifted uncomfortably on the bunk and patted the place beside her.

Revan elegantly took a seat next to the newest addition of her crew. She placed one of her hands on Juhani's and stroked the fur there. "Come on, we're friends. I'll look after you."

"I know you will, I've just been…thinking."

"Does it hurt?" quipped the human.

"If you're going to act that way - "

"Relax, Juhani, relax. Bad sense of humor, Carth…tells me that all the time." She gave a small blush at the mention of Carth.

Juhani chose not to comment. "I would rather be myself, sort some things out. While I thank you for your concern, I need to work this out on my own. I just have to…" she let the sentence trail off and instead tried to covey her thoughts with her eyes and aching soul.

Revan caught Juhani's eyes with her own. "Don't stay by yourself for too long, especially if you're contemplating the past. The darkside is much harder to battle when you're on your own. I'm willing to talk whenever you're ready. You know where to find me."

"I remember."

Juhani gave her a private smile. That was the nice thing with Juhani, one could trust her with anything and she would not judge. Perhaps it was because she grew up on a bigoted world and knew what it was like to look from the outside in. Or maybe she was just naturally perceptive. Whatever it was, Revan wanted to keep Juhani as close to her as possible. She had made an 'anchor' out of the woman as she had with Carth. Juhani would be seeing a great deal of Revan on Coruscant, if the Cathar decided to stay.

Bastila gave a small sigh of exasperation. "Really, Libra, it's not that bad." She looked to Jolee for support but found only an amused old man. "The Council will decide for us what is right."

"How we are to atone?" growled Revan. "Will they ever grant unconditional pardon for you or I, Bastila? You make this sound so easy, like they'll welcome you back with an open embrace."

Bastila remained serene. "They will," she replied softly. "The Jedi are merciful, we are simply a part of the flock of that have strayed. Now that we've found the path again, we can go home."

"That was a good way of putting it, lass," commented Jolee, "but be mindful."

Revan softened her gaze on the closest person she ever had to a sister. "So you say now, Bastila. So you say now. I won't follow as blindly as you and I certainly won't place my full faith with the Council again…but I'm going without a fight. If it doesn't work out…"

"It has to work out," interrupted the dark haired woman. "There is no other choice." She smiled. "I will be there too, Libra. Remember the bond."

"The bond is dying," Revan turned away.

"You can not ignore me forever, Libra," said Bastila sadly.

Revan focused her full attention elsewhere. She was not in the mood to feel at that moment. "Mission, what are you going to do once I leave?"

The Twi'lek looked to Big Z and then to Jolee. She gave Revan a grin. "Oh, you know, the usual thing."

"You mean smuggle contraband across the galaxy or smuggle people and medicine to those worlds who need it?" questioned Revan.

Mission pretended to look offended. "The second choice, of course! Gee, Libra, what do you take me for?"

"Then the Ebon Hawk is yours…" started the knight-errant.

"REALLY!" squealed the scoundrel.

"…until I return," she finished.

"Oh." Mission's face drooped.

"Which might not happen," added Bastila with an edge. "The future is uncertain."

"Hold on a minute, lass," Jolee raised a hand and motioned to Mission. "She doesn't even know how to fly."

"She doesn't have to." Canderous fixed a pointed stare on Revan. "She wants me to be the kid's personal pilot."

And I will stay with her to protect her from the Mandalorian added Zaalbar.

"You'll be doing more then that," laughed Mission. "You're both gonna by my bodyguards. I'll be the brains, Canderous the brawn and Zaalbar…you can be the soul!"

As Mission started making her plans, Revan took Canderous off to the side. There were a few things she had to discuss with him, alone.

"You ok with this set up, Mandalorian?" she asked.

Canderous shrugged, "its better then doing nothing. Perhaps I can find some purpose keeping the kid out of danger. Jagi…"

"Jagi was tough," agreed Revan. "It'll be hard to get over him. It's…its not easy. Losing a friend, a comrade."

"The time of the clans are over, Revan. The traditions, the honor, its all gone now. Things have changed, I've changed." Canderous gave a low sounding growl. It was his version of self-deprecating laughter. "I'll get over it, don't you waste your Jedi senses on me."

Revan quirked an eyebrow and gave the Mandalorian a pat on the shoulder. While not a manly clasp of arms, it gave just the same level of comfort to the clanless Mandalorian. "Don't get over it too quickly. Think about what you've gained. You're not weak, Canderous, oh far from it. It's all right to feel these things. It doesn't necessarily make you idealistic…but you're not so much on the path of deep rooted pragmatism now, are you?"

"I get the feeling you don't like being pragmatic." It was Canderous's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Eh, Jedi?"

Revan gave a little laugh. "I don't like sacrifices with no long term gain, but I also don't like wasting lives. Turning the Jedi into a militaristic order is not something I would do again." She gave a wry smile. "As you can tell, I don't like playing Dejarik Holo-Chess."

"I have noticed that you tend to leave the room whenever that's played," replied the burly man. He let their small conversation lull for a bit, letting his next words have a greater impact. "Here's my words of wisdom to you, from age, battle experience, whatever it is…"

"Advice from a Mandalorian on how to live my life?" Revan gave a crooked smile. "I've been waiting for you to tell me this since I left Taris."

Canderous only grunted in response before continuing. "Girly, don't bleed yourself to death for the sake of others. You Jedi are all about your selfless service to that wasted empire you call the Republic, which is why your numbers are being killed off in the thousands on distant worlds." He inclined his head towards Bastila. "You may think giving everything you've got to help someone else is the right way to go, but keep some for yourself. People are already vying for your attention." His voice dropped low so that the other Jedi couldn't hear him. "Don't become another person's pawn, you already know what it's like to be one."

The Jedi paused a moment to consider his words. She hadn't expected that to come out of his mouth. "You hit the nail right on the head." She gave him a smile before moving over to Mission. "Thanks for putting that in perspective. I wish you had told me this earlier."

Canderous shrugged, "you may have fallen for me then and not Republic boy waiting outside."

Revan looked surprised at the honesty of that statement. It very well could have happened.

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"You ready?" asked Carth. He and Revan were standing some hundred feet away from the throng of Jedi and Republic soldiers getting ready to depart back to Coruscant. The Rakatan sun was warm on his skin, but the body of the woman he was holding in his arms was as cold as ice. She shivered too.

"Yeah, I'm ready as I'll ever be." She gave him the same weak smile she had that morning. Behind her emotionless mask, she was shattering into tiny pieces. A future with the Jedi seemed bleak and a life without Carth was unbearable. Revan didn't need to turn to Spice or stimulants in her depression; she had taken to Carth instead. What a wonderful drug he had been. He sat, talked and smiled at her whilst her world shattered down into oblivion around her. At least he had done that after his own initial shock. With the exception of the odd hug, he had never touched her and Revan was fine with that.

Five months of knowing each other and he already had confessed his undying love for her. While it was suspicious, Revan doubted that he had been planted on the Endar Spire. The Jedi didn't condone love, how were they to know that these two lost souls were to find each other? Obviously they couldn't have, but Revan had become a somewhat suspicious person now. She was no longer the dangerous, risk taking rogue she had been on Taris. She was still risk taking, but no more did she jump headfirst into the pool of opportunity with only a small chance of coming out unscathed. Oh no, she had been burned by the Jedi Order and she wasn't about to let it happen again.

Carth removed his arm from about her waste and took her hand. "Time to do this, then."

Revan followed his lead and fell into step beside him. "Do you regret anything?"

"Only that there wasn't enough time," he replied softly. His hand tightened around hers. "It'll work out somehow."

"If it doesn't," Revan returned the squeeze, "I'm coming to find you. I don't care if you're in the middle of a battle in the deepest region of space. I-will-find-you."

"Heh, I wouldn't be surprised. Tell me this though," he quickly released her hand and locked arms with her; they approached the masses of people at the base of her transport, "you'll at least try and make it work. I don't…I don't want you to be left with nothing."

"Left with nothing? You're not going to…" Revan face scrunched into a pained yet puzzled expression. "That is to say – what are you saying?"

Carth sighed, "you wouldn't be happy as a soldier's wife. You look for adventure and action, staying on some world like Alderaan wouldn't give you that. Even if you don't stay with the Jedi…"

"I do have a lifetime of memories about being a smuggler. Perhaps I could take that up, I know all the routes," suggested Revan somewhat gloomily. She looked to the man at her side and found his brow furrowed in thought. "That wouldn't work, would it? It would be a scandal."

"We're already a scandal," replied Carth. He nodded to the soldiers as he passed them. They gave respectful nods back.

"But isn't that a turn on?" Libra was also giving smiles and looks of encouragement to the troops. While some put a wary gaze on her, others looked upon her with admiration.

"Oh no, I'm not even going there, beautiful."

The two walked the rest of the way in silence. Though their respective countenances were determined and encouraging, there was an air of gloom about them. The shadows along their faces were dark and their footsteps heavy. All Revan heard was the sound of her own breathing and the crunch of her feet on the sand. Carth saw nothing but the occasional glint of golden hair next to him and the large transport looming closer and closer.

Revan could make out the Jedi of her crew nestled among the others of the Order. Jolee was standing towards the front with Juhani at his side. Bastila was pressed between Master Vrook and Vandar at the entrance ramp. They were waiting for her. She took several deep breaths to calm herself. She was covered in goose bumps and the hair at the base of her neck stood on end. This was not going to be a good parting for her or Carth. She steeled herself, she could handle this.

"This is your stop, Gorgeous," said Carth as he halted their walk. They were ten feet away from the entrance ramp. The chatter and noise of all the activity swirled around them. Distinct voices could be heard, General Dodonna telling her officers to make ready their troops to leave, Master Vandar and Vrook discussing some matter of Jedi importance. It didn't matter to him. Nothing mattered but the woman beside him and the transport that was ready to carry her away.

Revan nodded her head and turned to face him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a tight embrace. With her eyes closed, she inhaled his scent and burned the imprint of his form against hers. A hand idly played with the hair at the base of his neck while the other firmly gripped a muscular shoulder. Resolve? She was crumbling like the sandcastle she had built on the beach. All the tight layers were slipping away and she was left naked in Carth's arms.

She felt his breath against her ear as he spoke: "Don't forget me."

The tears formed and slowly spilt from her closed eyes. She buried his face in his neck, embarrassed that the highest achievers of the Jedi were witnessing her weakness. Carth's grip became unbearably tight; he kissed her neck and left it wet with his tears. "I won't forget you!" her voice was hoarse. "I won't forget you. I won't forget you." She repeated. She burned the mantra into her brain. She would NOT forget.

"Padawan," called Master Vrook, "it is time to go."

Revan stiffened. She clung to Carth desperately. Her lips moved almost inaudibly next to his ear, but Carth heard her nonetheless. "Don't let me go! Damn it, please don't let go. Don't let me fall… "

He stroked the hair that fell in gentle waves across her shoulders. ""Never, gorgeous. I'll never let you go."

"I don't want to do this," Revan whispered. "I don't…no strength."

Carth pulled his body back and cupped her face in his hands. "You don't have to. I'll wait, Libra, and I'll follow you." He brought his forehead to hers.

"We could escape," she whispered between stifled sobs, "get the Ebon Hawk and fly to some world where they'll never find us. All of us, the crew, Dustil…we could do it! It would work. We could make it work."

Her eyes were shining with a false hope that Carth knew was fading fast. "We could," he responded on a more somber note.

They could make no decisions on their own.

"Commander Onasi!"

"Padawan Revan!"

"No, no, no…make it go away, Carth. Make them leave us alone!" Revan closed her eyes against the world. "Tell them its not true, I'm not who they think."

Carth glared at the Republic officer over Revan's shoulder. "You know what you have to do," he said simply. He held her close.

"I don't want to do it," the Jedi whispered.

"Then don't," cooed Carth. Gently he stroked her back and kissed the skin of her hairline. He knew what he had to do and again he was torn between duty and love. He had caused enough heartache for his family on Telos, what was to say that the future would be any different. Why had he even bothered in the first place? Couldn't the galaxy just leave him well enough alone? Damn it, he was not going to play the tragic hero again!

He was startled out of his inner contempt by the opening of Revan's red rimmed eyes. She didn't look at him; instead she turned her head to look at some patch of sand at Bastila's feet. Carth's heart splintered into a thousand bits. How quickly she had done it, how quickly she had made her choice despite all her earlier protests.

"This isn't goodbye, is it?" Her face was pained as she slipped out of his embrace. She did, however, grasp his hands in hers. She looked almost…guilty.

"Its whatever you want it to be." Carth shifted uncomfortably beneath the gazes turned their way, "I would hope that it was just the beginning."

Revan turned to look at him then, her eyes wide, glistening with tears and a radiant, hopeful smile on her face "The beginning of the end." The salty droplets streamed down her face and she brushed past him to walk up the transport ramp. The Jedi followed. It was a moment that looked as though it could have come from a five-star holovid.

Carth was left standing among the clamor of soldiers and Jedi making ready to leave. People brushed past him and offered him congratulations and sympathies. He heard none of them.