A Step Away
I. A Step Away From the Darkness
A/N: Sorry it took so long for this chapter to be posted! Things have been terribly busy and I'm working on another story as well (not KotOR, but still BIOWARE) so my time has been divided. Hopefully this will be updated more over the summer. Let's keep our fingers crossed, eh? Read and enjoy!
Her Choice
Morning brought no solace to Revan. In fact, it only seemed to worsen her sour mood. All the implanted memories of the Council and all the memories she had made on her own all marked her as a devout admirer of space's dark embrace. It used to be that the sun hurt her sleep-sensitive eyes, but now, after all the curtains had been drawn aside and all the revelations revealed – everything dawn represented hurt too much.
Revan was well read and properly versed in many of the galaxy's cultures, so she knew that many people considered a sunrise to be the dawn of a new beginning. It was a promise for a fresh start and only seemed to intensify the guilt she felt in her gut. Was there really such a thing as a clean slate? Was forgiveness possible? For her, it seemed that each new day only brought on more challenges and unsolved problems.
The challenges were fine, but the problems weren't of the average variety. They continued to multiply and grow: Dustil, training, finding the Ebon Hawk, Carth, redeeming herself, Dustil, getting back her Knighthood, Carth's wife, celebratory banquets, Dustil, reconciling Bastila, getting out of the Jedi, Dustil…the list never got any shorter and only seemed to grow and grow and grow and grow.
She stretched out her legs and leaned back in the chair. Everything was a big conspiracy: it figured that the Jedi would give her a room where the darkened blinds were on a timer. Much to her chagrin, the first sliver of golden light traced its way across the floor to her bed. Revan watched it with a wary distaste from her position at the provided desk. The Iktotchi must have taken more from her mind than her memories.
Yet the masters hadn't counted on the mind scan to backfire. They extracted thoughts from her head, but they also awakened the dormant memories of her past life. Revan's mind was much soberer than had been earlier that morning and she was ready to start thinking logically. Her disgruntled, sleep depraved self had told her to keep the knowledge of her memories to herself and yet the more rational side (that was now dominant) said it was best that she share it with someone, but who?
Beep.
The door chime was ringing…
"Enter!" Revan turned her red rimmed eyes to the door. She hoped it was Juhani…or Carth!
Much to her dismay, Master Vandar was the one who graced her humble room with his presence. He did not immediately address her as he entered; instead he surveyed the state of her quarters before making his way to a low couch.
Revan watched him settle comfortably into one of the more luxurious seats. "Are you surprised," she asked, "that I didn't rip the place to shreds?" She had seen that look of wary surprise before – she had worn it herself.
Vandar's mouth quirked into a strange smile. "I bid you good morning, Revan."
"And a what a fine morning it is," grumbled the blonde. "Too sunny for my tastes. Why does it never seem to rain on Coruscant?" she sighed forlornly and threw a small ball of paper at the window.
The older Jedi gave a small click of his tongue in amusement. "It does rain here on occasion. The buildings, as you might have guessed already, have altered the planet's climate considerably."
Revan got up from her desk and moved towards the window. She tapped it a few times with her finger. It made an interesting ping noise. "Is there anyway I can deactivate the timer on the shutters? I'd like a bit of darkness, thank-you-very-much."
"Such is the reason why they were programmed," replied the master. "There was a consensus that darkness would not be fitting for you."
"I think better when it's dark." Revan leaned her forehead on the cool glass and stared out into the sky.
The small Jedi peered curiously at the woman. He noted the haunted look about her face and the dark circles under her eyes. It was not an appearance typically found on the younger members of the Order. Such a visage was normally found on elderly Knights who had seen too much war. It was a reason why the Jedi were peacekeepers and not warriors: Jedi were far too sensitive to deal with hate, death and despair on a regular basis. It mutated their ability to connect with the Living Force and often polluted their centers of control with the shock and trauma of the universe's decay.
Vandar did not know what had polluted her core so quickly. He remembered the terrified eyes of a young apprentice. Usually masters were able to shield the children from such things, but sometimes one or two students slipped through the cracks. It appeared that Revan had been one of them.
His thoughts were interrupted by a question of harsh intent.
"Why are you staring at me?" Revan did not look away from the window.
Vandar smiled and chuckled. "I was reflecting, young one. Tell me, did you sleep well?"
"No," was her simple response.
"Why?"
Revan smiled. "You already know the answer to that, Master."
Vandar leaned forward and placed his head atop his three fingered hands. His voice was soft as he spoke. "Dreams pass in time."
Revan's shoulders sagged and she closed her eyes against the harsh sun. She smiled into the blinding light, a sad, self-deprecating kind of smile. "Jedi don't have nightmares."
Vandar's response didn't surprise Revan. "All Jedi have nightmares."
"Not chronic ones, surely." The woman opened her eyes despite the pain.
"Many of the greatest masters of our Order suffer them regularly. It is the Force at work, warning those with the most to lose of the darkside," replied Vandar.
Revan smiled mirthlessly. "Do you have them?"
Vandar nodded. "I am old, Revan, as are many of us. Age brings some respite but does not always protect against them."
Revan did not respond for a long while. She mulled over the information as her eyes watered and burned from the direct connection she made with the sun. She snapped her head to the side, her eyes following the tiny globules of white light that danced before her. Her tone of voice was much less brusque and terse than before, but still retained a business like edge. "I've had them since I was young. Telra," she smiled at the fleeting memory she had received, "Telra used to call me her 'dreamer.' It was our little secret, the dreams. I told her not to say anything. I know she did, I know you knew, but no one ever said anything to me."
The master scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Remember Telra, do you?" he paused, thinking, "were they echoes or dreams?"
"Echoes," supplied Revan. "They were echoes of my past. They were all memories that were significant to my life now." Out of the corner of her eye she thought she could see Vandar's face become distant. "The Force works in mysterious ways. No doubt they were shown to me for a reason."
"The scan," Vandar said slowly, noticing Revan's wince of pain at the mention, "did more than we thought it would. Memories that your mind had previously locked away before Malak's attack must have been opened when Relanai entered your private thoughts. A strange thing to see again I would assume."
"You have no idea," muttered Revan.
Vandar gave a small laugh at this. "It is good to know that not all things about you have changed. Merely the name."
"And what's in a name? It will change again soon enough, at least the last part of it will." Revan leant her back against the window and awaited Vandar's response.
"Thinking of Admiral Onasi, are you?" he inquired.
"Thinking is a bit of an understatement," Revan smoothed out a few creases in her robe. "I can't get him out of my head."
Vandar peered at Revan curiously. "You have made up your mind." It was not a question.
Revan nodded her head and sighed. "He's what I want, Master. I'm sorry to say it." She shrugged her shoulders. "When it all boils down, I didn't ask to become a Jedi again, it was forced upon me and now a decision that I didn't even make is dictating my life. I don't desire any of it anymore. I can't just sit by and watch the world turn without me. If the Council decides that I need years of retraining, I'd rather you just let me go. Its efficient that way."
There. Her ultimatum was given.
Vandar used the Force to open the window next to Revan. "Out there," he said, "is a world filled with hope and danger. None of us want to see you fall prey to that danger again Revan. The hurt and shame that was felt when you left us will last a long time."
"So you would take the effort to retrain a reluctant Jedi while the rest of the galaxy is struggling with the aftermath of Malak's chaos?" Revan shook her head in disbelief. "Can you honestly tell me that I'm worth more than twenty billion distressed people?"
"Some fear that you might add to their distress," said Vandar calmly. "I am not one who holds that opinion."
"But Master Vrook does. He holds that opinion and will tell everyone else he meets of what a sorry excuse of a Jedi I am. Vandar," Revan fixed an angry stare on him, "if the rest of the Jedi were like him, I'd never see daylight again. The man is fixed on my absolute ruin and humiliation."
This earned another small chuckle from the master. "Is that what you think of Master Vrook? Truly?"
Revan inhaled a shaky breath of fresh air. "Yes."
"Perhaps you need an explanation," suggested Vandar. "I think not everything has been made clear to you yet."
"Say what you like, it will probably change little." Revan titled her head back and closed her eyes again. The breeze twisted a few strands of her hair in the sunlight. She needed to cut it.
"Of all the Jedi that were hurt when you and Malak fled, Master Vrook was the one who was the most devastated at the loss. You must understand that as a Master, it is our job to help nurture the Apprentices and Padawans. Sometimes we take on too much of a liking to specific individuals, a break in the Jedi Code on both parts." The smaller Jedi studied Revan thoughtfully. "The bond between a Padawan and their Master is not merely an impersonal one, but the bond between a student and a teacher is.
"Master Vrook and many others of the Council were delighted when you made progress and sought to help you grow as a Jedi. Individuals such Master Zhar also took great pride in your work. Your fall to the darkside proved to us that we had erred in making strong emotional ties, such as family members do, and many have not yet since recovered. He has tried to distance himself away in fear of making such a mistake again. His forgiveness will come in time, but some wounds take longer to heal. Do not hold it against him." Vandar quietly awaited Revan's reaction.
"So let me get this straight," Revan replied, eyes still closed. "Many Jedi, including Master Vrook, are bitter that I fell to the darkside because they made 'strong emotional ties' to me. They're afraid," she continued, "that I'm going to fall again. Damn it," her fist slammed the wall beside her thigh, "does no one have any faith in me?"
Vandar made no move to respond.
"Rhetorical question," Revan sighed, her hand unclenched itself and she opened her bleary eyes. "Yeah, I know."
"It may be easiest if you know what path you will take," Vandar opened a hand towards her, a sign of peace. "What do you want in life, Revan?"
"All I know is that I can't spend my life within the confines of these walls." Revan moved from her indifferent pose to a defensive stance. She placed her hands on her hips and planted her feet firmly on the ground. "While I agree with the 'idea' of the Jedi, I can't live as one. I'm sorry, I may be impatient for saying this, but the Jedi Code, to me, is not the same as it is to you."
"I am well aware of this," Vandar nodded knowingly. "But do you know it?"
Revan raised an eyebrow in question. "There is no peace in me, Master. I am pure, raw, bleeding emotion. I only feel serenity when I'm around Carth; harmony only comes when a mission is complete. The most useful knowledge I've gained is that which I've hacked from a data bank. That's what the Jedi Code is to me. It's a scandal!" Revan made a mocking face of surprise. "It's blasphemy, it's unorthodox…but it's me." She let her arms drop to her sides. "It's me."
Vandar nodded his head in agreement. "And you can live with this decision?"
Revan gave a grim smile. "I'll have to."
"Then that is all one can ask for," said the Jedi Master.
"Master?" asked Revan, "what's going to happen. I'll have to…prepare."
"The Council will have another discussion."
"That's all the Council ever seems to do, discuss things," replied Revan bitterly.
Vandar merely smiled at the comment.
"Look," Revan began, "I don't want anyone to waste anymore time on me. If you're going to make me a Jedi Knight again, by all means do it and do it quickly. I'm going out of my mind in here."
"And if it doesn't turn out the way?" inquired Vandar.
"Then let me go." Revan's blue eyes were hard.
"I sense that you have some," Vandar searched for the word, "conditions. Am I correct?"
Revan gave a sheepish smile that did not quite reach her eyes. "Conditions? Well, now that you mention it I do have a few. The Council would never agree to them, sadly. Thank you for asking, though."
"Then I shall take my leave of you. May the Force be with you, Revan." Vandar slowly made his way to the ground and casually moved towards the door.
Revan stopped him just as he was about to step through it. "Whatever happened to Telra?" Revan called out.
Vandar did not turn around. "She died."
A sudden thought echoed in Revan's head as the door closed behind Vandar.
Revan watched as the redhead pushed her way through the small throng of Jedi assembled at the bridge's entrance. Her hair was disheveled from hours of fighting and minor cuts and bruises could be seen on her face. Of the seventy Jedi reported to have landed on the Requiem, only fifteen had managed to survive the countless, well trained troops Revan had at her disposal. That her once good friend had been among them only made this day all the more bitter.
Telra was walking – no limping – at a frantic pace towards her. Revan could see from the blood on her tunic that her time aboard the ship had not been easy. "Revan!" she cried. "Revan!"
Revan stood as still as a statue before Telra. The mask she wore betrayed nothing and the robes barely swayed with the soft breeze of the ventilation systems. What was this insect of a woman doing? Was Telra trying to redeem her? Oh, how she would laugh about that later in private!
"Revan," Telra's brown eyes were bright with determination. "I've come here to save you." She planted her feet firmly on the floor despite the pain she must have been feeling from the wound on her side.
"Save me?" came Revan's husky voice. "From what? Myself? The darkside?" She gave a low chuckle. "Have you come to awaken this dreamer?"
Telra's face hardened. "Is that what it was, the dreams? What did they promise you in return for the fall? Did the dreams make you a slave to the darkness?"
Revan was smiling behind the mask. A flicker of light in her darkness? These thoughts could be exploited. Carefully, Revan weaved her words. "There are some things you don't understand!" Her voice was pained. Such a consummate actor was she.
"Then make me understand!" Telra pleaded. "Why didn't you say anything? Why wouldn't you let me?"
"Because they threatened you too!" Revan's hands gestured wildly "They said they'd come for you and I couldn't let that happen, I couldn't!" Well, it was partially true. They had said they'd come for the people she loved if she didn't obey.
"But surely there must have been-" Telra was interrupted by a gloved hand.
"Years upon years of terror and fearing the shadow, it…it…" how convincing she sounded with a few well-placed sobs and stutters! "They wouldn't stop, they wouldn't leave me alone! Night after night for years!" It was amazing just how much could be heard through the mask. Revan knew she was striking a chord within her friend. Telra had ever been soft hearted and even had a bit of a romantic streak in her.
Telra would jump at the notion that perhaps Revan could still be saved. To kindle the hope of her redemption in Telra's eyes and then suck it away might ease the demands the darkness made upon her. Anything to stop the ache she felt…
"I'm sorry, Revan!" tears streamed down Telra's face. "I'm sorry that I didn't protect you from the nightmares, that I didn't do anything more to help." She took a few steps forward but was halted as Revan backed away. Telra was mentally and physically exhausted – she would believe anything.
"No! I don't think I could save you from it, it would be too much," Revan winced as the words came out, they sounded contrived and hollow to her own ears but it appeared that Telra was eating them up.
"No, Revan. You can be saved! I know you can!" Telra continued her advance.
"NO! You shouldn't, don't!" Revan's pleas became less and less forceful; the Revan she was portraying wanted to be saved. She stopped her movement backwards and trembled at Telra's approach.
"I'm sorry," Telra whispered. She closed the gap between them, as if approaching a small, skittish animal. "Forgive me, Revan?" She slowly placed an arm about Revan's shoulders and felt Revan place her own arm around her waist…but then she had the most curious sensation. It was like she had awoken up in the middle of the night with a numb yet tingling sensation in her foot, and yet this feeling encompassed both her legs in its entirety. It was followed by a distant POP from her ribs. She looked down to see a beam of harsh red protruding from her chest .
She gave a look of horror towards Revan as the beam disappeared. She would have hit the ground hard, spinal cord being severed, but instead she was gently lowered down. Revan's arms surrounded her body even as smoke drifted from her wound.
"I forgive you," whispered Revan.
Telra's eyes widened in horror as blood began to collect in her throat. "No, it can't be," she gasped. "You're not…"
"Some things can't be changed. I am who I am." Revan stroked her face with her hand. " You will die."
The blood gurgled into Telra's mouth as she tried to speak. "You can still turn…its…" she gasped for air, "not too late."
"It is too late," said Revan quietly. Her visor reflected Telra's dying face, "for both you and me."
Telra shook her head in denial. "No…" she struggled out of Revan's grasp, desperately trying to get to her feet in dismay at the foolishness of her actions.
Revan easily held her down. "Ever persistent, Tel, ever persistent." She cupped the redhead's face in her hands and called upon the Force. Telra's strength would become her own. "But all things must end, I'm afraid. Goodbye."
It did not take long for the light in the Nubian's eyes to fade...
RequiemPOPRevan felt the cool wind on her face and looked out the open window. If she jumped, how long would it take to hit the ground?