Alone

by Aniroaldawen

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR HP and the OotP. Summary: Remus and Harry grieve.

Alone. Remus Lupin knew a lot about being alone. After all, werewolves were held in contempt by much of wizarding society. Ever since the bite, Remus had been a lonely little boy, hiding in his parents' house. Until, that is, the letter that changed his life forever arrived at eleven. At Hogwarts, Remus had found his greatest friends, friends who didn't care about Remus' lycanthropy, friends who actually helped him deal with his condition. They had made him feel like he was just a normal boy, wanted and cared for, a boy like anyone else. After Hogwarts, Remus had trouble finding steady work; he lived on his own in a small place, working with the Order for Dumbledore with Peter, Sirius, James and Lily.

Everything changed the Halloween when Lily and James' son Harry was two. In one fell swoop, Voldemort was defeated, and all Remus' friends taken from him; Sirius imprisoned for killing Peter, and him, James and Lily dead. Remus had been devastated; again, he was alone. For several years, he struggled to get along. Then, Dumbledore offered him the job that changed his life; Remus was to be a professor at Hogwarts. Several important things happened that year. Remus got to teach James' and Lily's son, Harry, the famous "Boy Who Lived." He developed a friendship with the boy. More than that though; Remus' childhood friend, Sirius, was returned to him.

Slightly more than a month ago, Remus had lost Sirius again.

Remus, shaking himself from his reverie, found himself staring at a brass doorknob, faintly coated with dust. Sirius' room. Something inside seemed to be screaming at Remus, telling him to just turn around and leave his friend's room alone. He hardened himself against his fear and grasped the doorknob, slowly opening the door.

It was the first time anyone had been in Sirius' room since a few days after his death, when Buckbeak had been moved to a different room. A dank, musty smell hit Remus' nostrils, and he tried not to cough. As his eyes adjusted to the dimness, Remus stepped further into the room and levitated in the boxes he'd brought along. He couldn't explain why he had chosen now to start cleaning out his old friend's room. Maybe he was finally starting to accept what had happened, that Sirius was never…Remus swallowed against the tightness building in his throat and looked around.

Everything was exactly as Sirius had left it; the bedsheets were rumpled, a dressing gown lay discarded on the floor and papers lay strewn over a small desk. Clean robes lay draped over a chair, waiting for an owner that would never wear them. There was even a bone, heavily chewmarked, lying on the braided rug. Feathers and straw in one corner marked Buckbeak's old bed. It was the scent that hit Remus most, a tinge in the air of something familiar, something he couldn't place. Standing there for a moment, breathing in deeply, it suddenly hit him. That was Sirius he was smelling. Everything in this room smelled of him, a slightly musky, clean scent with a hint, perhaps, of wet dog. He had nearly forgotten Sirius had a scent. With trembling hands, Remus reached for a box; angrily shoving down his feelings he reminded himself what he had come to do, and moved to Sirius' dresser.

Sorting through Sirius' things, making piles of things to keep and things to throw away and stowing them in boxes, Remus slowly made his way around the room, reminiscing and missing his old friend. As he removed the last two old robes hanging in Sirius' closet, Remus noticed a few old boxes, covered with dust, sitting in a corner of the closet. He could make out Sirius' handwriting on one of the boxes. Intrigued, he dropped the robes on the bed and drew out the boxes.

Opening the lid of the first box, Remus was surprised to discover it was filled with books. Sirius had never been a big reader, though he was an intelligent man. Remus frowned upon reading the title of the first book: "The Pull of the Moon: The Effects of Lycanthropy". Eyebrows lifting, he set the book aside and pulled out others. "Silver Tails"; "A Medicale Studie of Lycanthropie"; "Man and Beast: The Struggle Within". Remus then noticed a small leatherbound book, cracked and worn; pulling it out he opened it and was surprised to discover it was filled with Sirius' handwriting.

"ST, p. 123: 'wolfsbane…fatal in large doses…smaller doses calming effect.' M&B, p. 456: 'mix of sheep's blood and wolfsbane…seemed to repress hunting urges.' Wolfsbane Potion—different proportions permanent? Wolfsbane and werewolf parts—what? Silver?? Sm. doses kill werewolf portion of human only??—Mean Moon p. 73." It went on and on; the book was full of notes Sirius had written from the various books; digging through the box Remus discovered they were all in some way related to lycanthropy. Later in the small book were what seemed to be theories, suggestions of types of magic and even potions that could possibly cure lycanthropy. Turning the little black book over and opening the back cover, Remus stared hard at a note scrawled there: "For MOONY: best friend I ever had. We Will Find A Cure! Love Padfoot."

The book slipped from Remus' trembling fingers; he suddenly found it hard to breathe. Sirius…all these books…for me?…to find…a cure? Pressing a hand to his mouth Remus sat down hard on the floor. Through blurring eyes a book still nestled within the box caught Remus' attention. "The Lone Wolf."

I'm…so alone…

The dam within Remus, that had been there ever since he saw his friend's wasted face fall through the Veil of Afterlife, cracked and finally burst. Tears slid down Remus' face, and the sobs tore through him, the storm of his grief finally spending itself on the floor of his dead friend's room. He could not stop the tears and after a while, stopped trying to; he stopped caring about anything, one phrase repeating over and over in his head. I'm alone. Alone… "Alone!" Remus screamed, sobbing frantically, losing his composure completely. "Sirius…Sirius! Why? Why…"

Remus did not hear the door slowly open; did not see the dark-haired boy who stood there for a few moments before shutting the door, hurrying over and placing his arms around the distraught man. "It's all right, Remus…I'm here. I'm here…" Remus looked up slowly into the shining eyes of Harry Potter. He swallowed, choked on his words, spoke. "I…I'm sorry…I…"

"No, Remus…it's all right…I'm here…" It was Harry's turn to choke as his own tears spilled over. "Oh, Sirius…" And then it did not matter where they were. They ceased to be student and teacher, elder and youth; they merely clung to each other, these two who had loved Sirius Black and missed him more than either could express, and cried for their loss. Each found in the other a kindred spirit, and knowing this helped. Knowing they shared this horrible grief joined the two, best friend and godson, as friends, as equals. As their tears mingled and washed away their grief, Harry and Remus felt themselves begin to heal. The wounds left by Sirius' passing would never fully go away, but at least they could share and lessen the pain of them.

Eventually, their sobs lessened. Harry, lifting his glasses to wipe at his eyes, smiled slightly. "I think we have this backwards—shouldn't you be the one comforting me?"

"I haven't been very good company these past few weeks, have I?" Remus said softly. Harry brushed aside the comment with a wave of his hand. "You've been busy with the Order; I think this is the first time you've been here during the day since I arrived. And anyway, we've both been doing the same thing, haven't we? Kind of—kind of avoiding it?"

Remus nodded, looking around the room with a sigh. "It doesn't help to avoid it, though. I think…it's a bit better, now."

"Yeah," Harry agreed softly. "You know, I haven't even talked about him since it happened…"

"Would you like to?" Remus offered.

"You wouldn't mind?" Harry said concernedly.

Remus shook his head. "No. I've been meaning to tell you something, in fact. In Sirius' will, he appointed me your guardian. Of course, if you don't want…"

"Really?" Harry smiled a genuine smile. "I think…I think I'd like that."

"You won't be able to live with me," Remus said, a touch of bitterness entering his voice. "It is unlawful for werewolves to become caretakers of children."

"That's not fair," Harry shook his head. "Why would they do that? You're not dangerous except on the full moon…"

Remus shrugged. "Not according to the Ministry."

"But can you have children of your own?" Harry asked, intrigued. He'd never imagined prejudices against werewolves were so deeply ingrained within government; they were forced through hoops to get jobs, unable to become caretakers of children…

"Yes," Remus nodded, smiling slightly at the irony of it. "Apparently, it doesn't matter if we savage those of our own flesh and blood."

Harry could only shake his head. "Those hypocrites…"

"No government is perfect, not least Wizarding government," sighed Remus, looking around at Sirius' old room.

A question flashed in Harry's mind, though he hesitated to ask it, wondering if it was a delicate subject with his old professor. Remus, reading Harry's expression, smiled slightly and sat back, drawing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. "I sense you have a question…"

"How did you know?" Harry only half-joked.

"Why, my dear boy, I divined it!" said Remus, widening his eyes and dropping his voice to an approximation of a mystical whisper.

Harry laughed at Remus' impersonation of his impotent Divination professor, Professor Trelawney. "Did you ever take Divination, Remus?"

Remus nodded. "The teacher we had, Tortus Urptrique, was nearly as much a fraud as Trelawney," he said. "None of us stayed in Divination more than a year—though James and Sirius had the most fun coming up with ridiculous 'predictions'…"

"Ron and I do that too!" Harry said, through laughter. Odd as it seemed, it was nice to laugh; once their chuckles had died away, Remus recalled what had set them off in the first place. "Now, what was that question?"

"Oh, it was nothing really…I just wondered…I mean, you don't have to answer…but…were you ever in love?"

Remus was silent for a few moments, then answered quietly. "Yes. Or I thought I was. She, apparently, wasn't—she left when she found out I am a werewolf. This was some years after we graduated…around the time your parents died, in fact. I was too shy to ask anyone on a date at Hogwarts…something your father and Sirius teased me mercilessly about," he added with a reminiscent smile. Drawing his knees up, Remus wrapped his arms about himself and sighed. "I'm not sure I was really in love with Lynna, anyway…she was so kind, and after James and Lily died, she made me feel better. I went mad over her…" He shrugged. "That's all it was, really. The moment she found out what I am, she fled."

"I'm sorry," mumbled Harry softly.

"You don't have to be," Remus insisted. "I'm used to being on my own by now."

Harry shrugged once. "I guess…I guess I know what that's like…and I know it stinks…" he added softly, almost trying to explain why he said he was sorry.

"I know you do," Remus said softly, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder. "But you won't be alone for ever. You've got wonderful friends and people who care…and someday you'll find a girl who's the one for you," he added.

"I could say the same to you," Harry retorted with a small grin.

"You could indeed," Remus laughed. The two sat in silence for a few minutes. Swallowing, wiping away the last remnants of the tears, Remus reached for the little black book. "He was trying to find a cure," Remus said softly, opening the book and holding it out for Harry to see. As he thumbed slowly through the pages, Harry's eyes widened. "He really was smart, wasn't he?"

Remus smiled. Somehow, talking of Sirius with Harry didn't hurt; it felt nice to remember Sirius as the friend he was. As he shared funny stories and bits of wisdom from his friend, and listened to Harry talk about what Sirius had meant to him, Remus was startled to see how much of James and Lily, and even Sirius, was in Harry, his mannerisms, his words. Together, Harry and Remus could keep the lost Marauders alive, he realized; together, they could find healing and peace. As long as Remus remembered his lost friends, and kept relationships with his current ones, he would never again be the lone wolf, never again be alone.