A/N: Again a long chapter that had to be split in two.

21

Somehow Buffy ended up back at the Slayer Sanctuary back in her room on the bed where Spike had once rested to heal his burns. She was betting Angel and Willow had carried her back. She had spent a long time up there not eating and definitely not sleeping because that would be impossible. She spent most of her time alone going back over the events that had unfolded that night, trying to see if she had made some imperceptible lean towards Angel that condemned Spike to death. She had a line of 'what ifs' running through her mind. What if she hadn't slept that day, would she have found Angel sooner and rescued him without endangering the two vampires...What if she had been able to stall the demons longer...What if they had just come up with the reversal spell earlier...What if she had just made it to Spike those few seconds sooner.

In between those times Willow or Dawn or Xander of Giles would visit her, talk to her as if nothing were wrong, trying to keep her morale up. It had turned out, Willow had told her, that the reason people suddenly knew about Buffy and her friends was that a Professor Dante Green had published a daily newspaper chronicling 'The Life of the Slayer' and that they had become superstar types over night. Buffy had just shrugged at this, disinterested. Giles was taking the professor to court for invasion of privacy and deformation of character...he had written some very personal details that none of them knew how he had found out about. Again Buffy had been disinterested.

Xander had been discharged from hospital and he was now fine, Willow had magically healed her leg so that she could help Buffy in time. Everyone was unhurt and Buffy was truly thankful for that.

She hadn't seen Angel since that night, she guessed he was purposefully staying away from her and that was probably wise because she still wasn't sure what she felt for him anymore.

One evening when Buffy ventured out of her room and downstairs she heard most of the gang in the canteen discussing patrolling tactics and whether a small group should be left back to protect the Sanctuary. Buffy took a breath and walked into the canteen dressed in gray sweats and a navy hooded top. Everyone turned to look at her and stare. Giles stood from his table and gave her his most reassuring face. The Slayer glided over to her friends and sat down between Xander and Willow not feeling entirely comfortable. They both leaned in and hugged her, comforting words whispered in her ear but she didn't feel it.

"You must be Buffy"

She turned toward the voice that had come from just behind her and saw that she did not recognize the man. He was tall, six feet at least, and nicely muscled- broad shoulders, slender waist and muscled thighs. She could tell that even under the dark slacks, black blazer and forest green shirt he wore. His hair was a thick black mop on top of his head and his eyes blazed green. He had a gorgeous dimple in his chin and his jaw was square and masculine. The man gave her a warm smile and there were crinkle lines by his eyes. He held his hand out for her to shake.

Buffy looked the man in the eyes but did not reach for his hand "Who are you?"

"Oh, I assumed you had already been told. My name is Jack, Jack Hevin" His voice was deep, purring with warmth "I am your new local sorcerer. Of course, I'm no where near as good as Willow here"

Willow blushed "Aw, Jack. We both know that isn't true"

He patted her shoulder "Thank you, Willow. Buffy, I feel like I know a lot about you already from those newsletters about you and your friends"

"More than you wanted to know, probably" Xander muttered.

"Are you staying here?" Buffy asked still impassive.

He shook his head "No, I...um...I'm in a hotel a few blocks away. It's really nice to finally meet you, Buffy" He smiled again.

Buffy had the odd realization that this guy was flirting with her, either that or he was incredibly friendly to strangers. Jack's smile was still beaming down at her and she knew she should return it at least out of politeness but she could not. She nodded instead and turned her back on the man looking down at the tabletop where her hands lay. A ripple of awkwardness ran through the table and Willow placed her hand on top of Buffy's gently.

Jack cleared his throat and moved back around to Giles who wanted to discuss something with him. Buffy turned to Willow "Was he...?"

"Flirting with you?" Willow arched an eyebrow.

Buffy nodded.

"That's a resounding yes," Xander spoke to them "Guy was practically asking you to marry him"

"I wasn't sure...it's been so long since anyone flirted with me" Buffy sighed.

"You mean you haven't noticed my advances?" Xander grinned.

The Slayer looked at Willow "I think I have to get out of here. I can't cope with this...the last thing I need now is guys" She stood.

Willow kept hold of her hand "I'm always here"

"I know" She nodded "Thanks"

Buffy turned and left the canteen and she started to go back up the stairs to her room but abruptly changed her direction to turn down the hall and go down the basement. She knew Angel was down there this weekend, he came up every now and then and she knew he was now down there training before patrol. She walked down the steps and saw him running on the treadmill shirtless, his muscles rippling in his back. He did not turn as she reached the bottom step and looked around at the basement room. She saw a pile of clothes folded in one corner, all black but somehow she just knew they weren't Angel's clothes. Buffy started across the floor towards them and then the vampire did turn and notice her.

Angel jumped off of the treadmill and looked at her "Buffy"

"Angel" She stopped by the clothes, folded her arms over her chest and could not look him in the eyes – instead settled on the base of his neck "How are you?"

"I think the important question in how are you?" He picked up his sweater and pulled it on.

The Slayer shrugged "Alive"

"That's not really an answer"

"That's all I got" Buffy sighed, looked down at the pile of clothes "Whose are these?"

Angel cleared his throat, ran a hand through his hair "They're...they're Spike's. The clothes you and Fred cut off of him when he was burned"

Buffy looked at the vampire a moment and then crouched down next to the clothes. She started to sift through them, cut up T-shirt, sliced jeans, all charred and completely burnt in places. Buffy placed those clothes back on to the floor and picked up Spike's leather duster. It was completely undamaged because Spike hadn't been wearing it the day he had been set on fire. She ran her hands over the old battered leather and then stood and looked at the coats full length.

"Buffy –" Angel started.

From her body language he could tell that she didn't want to talk to him, he wasn't there as far as she was concerned – this moment had nothing to do with Angel. She slipped her hand into the pocket of Spike's coat and her hand brushed cold metal. She pulled out the silver Zippo lighter and flicked it open, starting the gas. The Slayer moved her hand to the next pocket and frowned, pulling out the talisman that had helped them three years ago against the army of Turok-han. She held it up and it glinted in the light, the tacky looking crystal spreading rainbow lights across the dark basement.

Angel stepped up closer "Is that...?"

"The talisman," Buffy said, handed it to Angel "Here. It was yours to start with"

The vampire looked down at the necklace and then frowned looked up at Buffy with a very sad look in his eyes. She had no time for niceties, not when whenever she looked into those eyes she just felt a raw sort of ache around her heart. What she had lost.

She folded the duster over her arm and turned, started up the stairs and was almost to the door when Angel spoke.

"It wasn't your fault, you know" His voice was gentle "It was no one's fault. Spike...he...he knew that, he didn't blame you"

Buffy took a deep breath, shoulders tensing and didn't look back as she said, "Since when did you know what Spike thought?"

"Buffy," He started up to the stairs.

"No, I can't. I just can't okay..." Buffy opened the door and stepped through "Letting him die once was bad enough, Angel, but twice...? I'm the Slayer and I was useless to him both times"

"No! You weren't, you were –"

Buffy slammed the door behind her cutting off the vampire's words. She turned and walked to the front door hearing every one of her steps on the floor, the sound echoing in her ears. Andrew was watching the door and as he saw her open it and step out he started to say something to her but Buffy just shut the door behind herself again.

The night was cold and Buffy looked at the coat on her arm, she pulled it on over her shoulders and slid her arms through the sleeves. Spike hadn't been that much taller than her but the coat dusted her ankles and was a little looser than the fitted coats she usually wore. Still, it kept her warm and it carried his smell besides it looked pretty damn cool.

Buffy walked out through the gates of the Slayer Sanctuary and into the cold, dark night.

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The Demon Bar's music was pulsing as usual, a frenetic sort of dance slash rock thing was booming out of the sound system but Buffy wasn't too bothered about the dire taste in music. She sat on a barstool with her elbows propped up against the bar and her face turned down to look at the burnt and glass stained counter. Harry avoided her, as much as he could only coming over to top up her whisky chaser, he must have sensed that she was in a hell of a mood.

Buffy was absent-mindedly flicking the lid of the lighter open and closing it again. She lit the wick with a flick of her thumb and put her other hand over the flame feeling the heat against her cold palm. It came to the point when it almost hurt it was so close to her hand. Buffy closed the lighter lid and sighed she couldn't even imagine what it must have felt like to be burnt. To suffer like Spike had.

Her dream came back to her suddenly, the one with Spike in it; his question "...would you Buffy the Vampire Slayer really choose me?" Her dreams had often been prophetic but she had also often misinterpreted them or just forgotten important details. If she had started paying attention, really paying attention she may have been able to stop what had happened to him.

She had realized, the moment she saw the spark – his soul – in his eyes disappear a second before he dusted, that she loved him. "You'll get it. Unfortunately, it'll be too late by then" Spike had always been more astute then he made out, even in her dreams it seemed.

Buffy had always loved Angel from as far back as she could remember and that was because he had been Angel, to her, from the beginning. She had not met Angelus until after she had already fallen for him. Spike had been a bloodthirsty killer when they first met and both of them had attempted to kill each other more times then she could count, so when Spike changed, really changed, and got his soul there was always a part of her holding back from him because she remembered what he had been like, what he had been capable of. She had experienced Spike's evil firsthand when they met but with Angel she had only read about it in books until he had changed, it was easier to dismiss the words then the images that remained in her mind of Spike, vicious, ruthless and always with that wicked grin on his face.

Buffy swirled the alcohol around in the chaser glass and then inhaled it before downing it in one. She noticed a slimy green demon to the side of her eyeing her favorably. Buffy turned and glared at him and he got the message very quickly. The Slayer turned back and tapped the lighter on the counter; she flicked it open again and after taking a breath placed his hand out flat right above the flame. The heat that radiated off of it burned but the Slayer gritted her teeth and shoved her hand down into the flame in a clenched fist almost as if trying to crush the flickering flame. Her palm blistered and a bubble of it popped and her brain was screaming at her to move her hand, move it! The Slayer bit down on her lip and her fist began to shake as the flames licked at her skin. She lasted three more seconds before she pulled her hand away and flicked the lighter closed.

Buffy slowly and painfully unclenched her fist and lay her palm out flat. Her skin was red raw and as the air got to the blistering of skin that covered almost half her palm the pain flared up. She turned her hand around so that the back of her hand was visible to her and she saw white blistering dotted across and over her knuckles and an extremely sore looking and feeling red streak diagonally across her hand. It was still nothing. Even as Buffy could no longer see clearly through the haze of tears that glazed over her eyes she knew it was not from the physical pain.

"Hey," The cheerful voice broke her reverie "You're gonna need some cream for that"

Buffy looked up into the red eyes of Clem, a baggy skinned demon she had once known from back in Sunnydale. He wore his usual brown burlap sack waistcoat, T-shirt and pants. He waved a saggy arm at her.

Buffy gave him the ghost of a fake smile "Clem, hey"

"Buffy," He nodded slipping into the stool next to her "I, uh, would recognize that coat anywhere even in a crowd this big. Not too used to seeing you in it though"

The Slayer looked down at the coat, tilted her head "You don't like?"

"Oh, no! It totally suits you" Clem's eyes softened "It's just I thought Spike was..."

"Dead? He is" Buffy nodded swiftly "Got his coat though"

The demon ordered himself a margarita "A little keepsake from a good friend, huh?"

"Could say that" Buffy placed her sore hand down on the counter, forgot and let out a severe wince pulling her hand away again "Ah!"

Clem looked at her as his drink was placed in front of him and his eyes filled with sympathy for her pain, he didn't realize it wasn't the pain in her hand she was bothered about. He reached over and took her hand looked it over and gave her a wince of empathy. Clem reached into his pocket and pulled out a long purple silk scarf. He wrapped it tightly around her hand and tied it tight Buffy looked down at the scarf for a moment and her hand and then back into those red eyes.

"A little colorful for you isn't it, Clem?" Buffy arched an eyebrow and nodded to the bartender to refill her chaser.

"Well, it's my keepsake from my best girl down in Mexico," Clem grinned at her face "When I...well, when I chickened out from that whole apocalypse and stuff, I went to Mexico and...man, are those chicks hot! Good kittens down there too...oh, not that I ate any, just admired!"

Buffy almost chuckled "I can't take this. It's yours from her"

He shrugged "It's yours now, from me. Hey, how about a toast?"

The Slayer looked back down at her hand and then picked up her glass "I haven't got a lot to toast to right now"

"Well, sure you have. You're alive and you've got your health...apart from the whole hand thing...no? Okay, I got it. Let's toast to old friends..." Clem looked pointedly at the coat.

Buffy closed her eyes, lifted her glass "Old friends"

The glasses clinked.

A/N: Next chapter is the penultimate one. Oooh! Review.