Once upon a time (actually as this story is completely fictional, it didn't happen at any time, so scrap that), there was a beautiful kingdom. In fact, it was so dazzlingly beautiful that everyone walked around wearing sunglasses and carrying those weird paper umbrella thingies. The kingdom was ruled by a king and queen, who were happily married. I say were because a few years after this story finishes, the queen found out that the king was cheating on her with his secretary and filed for divorce. Anyhow, before that they were happily married, and it is in that strange and deluded era that our story starts. So. I guess I should start now. Damnit, I've forgotten what I was gonna write. … … … … … … Oh yeah. Here goes nothing:
The King and Queen had been trying to have kids for ages, you know, the whole 'I need an heir because the people of my country should have no choice in who rules them' kinda thing. Anyway eventually they gave up on that and had a (not so) bright idea. They decided, in their desperation, to audition prospective princes from around the world, and choose the one they liked best. So they put up this sign:
WANTED:
PRINCE FOR LOVING KING AND QUEEN
DUTIES:
LOOKING NICE
SMILING
INHERITING EXCESSIVE WEALTH
PREFERABLY TALL, HANSOME AND BLONDE.
SHORT UGLY MEN NEED NOT APPLY
CALL 01234 567890 FOR MORE INFORMATION
AUDITIONS WILL BE ON 01.04.2004
Catchy, huh?
The big day comes and loads of gormless, pretty-boy rich kids come from far and narrow. The king and queen are indifferent. They sit on their thrones and watch Prince Andreus of Someobscurecountrywhereeveryoneisthick leave the room. Happy to see the last prince out the door, they begin to discuss more pressing matters like a colour scheme for their 18th new bathroom and what topiary they should have in the garden.
"Personally dear, I think a large chicken would be rather fetching." Said the King.
"How about a nice shade of rose?" The Queen twitters.
"Or an elephant…yes that would be grand!" said the King, not paying the slightest bit of attention to his wife.
"Are you going to listen to me or do I have to tell you where to put that elephant?!"
(Ok so when I said happily married, that might have been a teensy weensy exaggeration.)
Suddenly a page walks into the room (No, I mean a servant, not a sheet of paper! They don't have legs y'know!), and the king and queen (hereafter known as Bob and Wanda) nearly fall off their big gilded thrones with fright. Hah hah.
Anyway, back to the story:
The page speaks "Um...ahem...your highnesses? There's another one here to see you."
"Send him in then!" Orders Bob.
The page looks very nervous, and wrings his hands, "Um…well…the thing is, your highness…"
"Come on now boy, I said send him in!"
The page scurries out of the room, and returns very nervously a few seconds later. He coughs quietly, and opens the door behind him. In walks a pale, pretty girl of about 18, with backcombed black hair, a baggy Mickey Mouse sweatshirt and fluorescent pink pedal pushers. The page looks at Bob and Wanda and promptly faints.
Bob is outraged " What is going on?! Who are you?"
The girl merely stares at the couple and blows a large bubble of shell pink gum. It pops on her face. A clerk runs in and hands a sheet of paper to Wanda, which gives the girl the perfect opportunity to remove the gum as best she can without losing her cool. If she had any.
Wanda eyes the paper beadily. "It says you are Little Bo Fight, from the land of Hujamiflip. Well, I suppose you'd better tell us a bit about yourself."
Little Bo Fight (a.k.a. LBF) lights up with an excited expression that would disturb even the most hardened of men. "I'm a pale and beautiful Ninja princess, and I herd sheep in my spare time. Haiya!"
LBF displays an interesting array of karate kicks, ninja moves and sheepdog commands.
"Haiya! Wayoo! Away, Shep!"
"What in God's name is going on here!" bellows Bob.
"Bob, don't use the Lord's name in vain!" screeches Wanda.
"Sorry Wanda. Anyway, kid, who are you?!"
LBF sighs. "I'm Little Bo Fight, a pale and beautiful ninja princess who herds sheep in her spare time. Weren't you listening?"
"How rude!" exclaims Bob, his jowls wobbling.
"On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say a 3 because while I was impertinent, you should have been listening in the first place." (she has a point)
"Send her AWAY!"
The page did not respond. If you remember rightly, he fainted earlier. If you don't remember, I'll give you some space to go and check:
Done? No?
Right, that's it, the story cannot wait! (Cue pompous, pretentious expression)
Bob looks a little sheepish "Ahem…well, I'm sure you can see yourself out the door. Er, don't call us, we'll call you…"
"I'll call you right back!" retorts LBF.
"OUT!!!"
LBF begrudgingly wanders out the door. Slowly. Wanda looks quite upset. "Bob, I can't believe you were so rude to that girl!"
"You'd better start believing!
"Somebody's sleeping on the sofa tonight, and it sure ain't me."
"But…but…I thought we agreed the dog wasn't allowed on the furniture?"
"sigh"
Meanwhile, outside the palace LBF is trudging aimlessly in completely the wrong direction
"I'll have my revenge! They will pay for what they have done!"
LBF continues trudging aimlessly in completely the wrong direction.
"Please can I go the right way? Please?!"
No.
"This author is so stupid…I mean, what a wonderful story!"
I heard that. Hmmm…I shall use the "Author Powers" to wreak my revenge! Mwahahaha!!!
"I'll mwahahaha you right back!"
As I'm writing this story, I can tell you with complete confidence that you won't.
"Noooo!"
Tough.
"I'll tough you right back!"
No you won't.
"Damn those stupid author powers!"
LBF continues walking (grudgingly)."I'll make them wish they'd picked me!"
Actually, you'll make them wish you never existed!"No! The cunning author powers are too much! Wow, a wood!"
The Queen's Room, The CastleWanda is staring at a particularly smelly cheesy nugget hung on her wall with a bit of manky old string. The cheese is a bit mouldy, and quite lumpy round the edges. Is it stilton? Brie? Perhaps we'll never know? Perhaps none of us care.
Wanda leans in closer to the cheesy nugget, with an expression that suggests this isn't her favourite pastime.
"Cheesy nugget, cheesy nugget on the wall! Who's the best sheep herder of them all?"
The cheesy nugget shakes a little, possibly out of fear. Then a small voice squeaks from somewhere out of the nugget.
"Er…you are my dear!"
"Oh good. I'm glad you said that, or somebody might have been eaten…."
"Erk! I mean calm, breathing, find your centre. I will not be eaten, I will not be eaten, I will not be eaten…"
Ahem.
The cheesy nugget and Wanda address the author. "You're not gonna give the whole story away, are you?"
Er…no…I was… just dropping in …to see how you guys were (ah, the cunning!). It's tough work, being a fairytale character!
"That is the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard." Scoffs the cheesy nugget (excuse the pun, I think you'll find my work is riddled with them)
No it isn't.
"Not the author powers?!"
Yes.
"Yaaaaargh!"
The Cheesy nugget makes a few more freaky noises suggesting pain, misery and anguish."Uwuwuw! Nuugh! Guuh! Please, somebody say something! I'm running out of noises here… Aieee! Jub! Eggnog!"
Wanda takes on a pose worthy of the Royal Shakespeare Company. "Should I speak now, or let it suffer a while longer?"
"…Eeee! Mooo! Vladivostok!…"
"Alright, Shut UP!"
LBF is now a little way into a large scary looking forest. Now I know that's a cliché, but bear with me, it gets better.
"Foo, I'm puffed out! I'll just sit down on this here rock thing that looks strangely like a cow…"
The cow-rock speaks. "Hey, get off me! Honestly, can't a rejected fairytale character get any peace round here?"
"Rewhatwhat?"
"For crying out loud, don't you know anything? This is the forest of rejected fairytale characters. Anyone that's ever been chucked out, sold, thrown away, lost or relocated in a fairy story lives here. GET OFF ME and I'll show you around."
They begin to walk through the forest.
The cow begins a sort of guided tour. "Right…over there is Rumplestiltskin, in that clearing you'll see Rapunzel, Cinderella and Snow White…"
"Hey, she looks like me!"
"You can't have everything in life, kid. Well anyway, they're way bitchy, and thattaway you'll find Hansel and Gretel. Oh, and you really don't wanna go down that path…"
"What's down there?"
"The entire cast of Shrek."
"Oh. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but who the hell are you?"
"looks rejected The cow that got sold in Jack and the beanstalk. perks up Daisy's my name, helping is my game!"
"Well, I could use some help. Pleased to meet ya anyways, and I'm Little Bo Fight. I'm a pale and beautiful ninja princess that-"
"Yeah, I know, I co-produced the story."
"Really, ooh, what happens at the end?"
"Err…you said you could use some help?"
LBF magically forgets her question, which I'm sure has nothing to do with the author powers. "Yeah. You see, I got chucked out by the king and queen in that castle a way over there, and I think it was most unfair, so-"
"Ah, you'll be wanting our revenge team! swelling with pride It's the finest in the country."
"Hey, it'll have to do."
"Step this way and I'll introduce you."
They walk down a dark and winding path littered with KEEP OUT and TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED signs, which made LBF rather nervous.
"Are we nearly there?" said LBF in a shaky voice.
"Yeah…I think…"
"groans please let it be soon, please let it be soon, please let it be soon…"
"Ahah! We have arrived!"
They are now standing in front of a small cottage hidden away between the trees, which is like any other small cottage hidden away between the trees, except that it has an air of mystery about it! Dun dun duuh! Oh, and there are some really weird noises issuing from inside.This not surprisingly, confuses LBF. "What the?"
Daisy seems, as ever, unperturbed. "Welcome to the humble abode of… the seven dorks!"
"The what?"
"Have you ever considered expanding your vocabulary?"
"Meh."
"Never mind. Anyway, this house belongs to the seven dorks, our patented world-class revenge team!"
"They don't sound very inspiring."
"They're not."
"Oh."
"However, they are good at their jobs, and that's what matters. Let me show you around."
They knock on the door and a man half the height of LBF, with fuzzy grey hair and thick spectacles answers. LBF now notices that the door is much smaller than an ordinary one. He is none other than…a dork!!!
"Yees?" says the dork in a scary leering voice.
Daisy is, again, unperturbed. "This young lady would like some revenge."
The dork puts on a sombre expression. "sombre expression Step inside."