Title: Innocence Lost
Author: Sassy
Rating; PG
Show: Tidings of Comfort and Joy
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Don't own these characters.
Summary: JJ thinks back on his relationship with Meg and mourns for innocence lost.
Innocence Lost
JJ wasn't quite sure when it had occurred, but his little sister had grown up. Her naivety was now gone, replaced with some slight cynicism underneath her glowing front. She had new dreams and disappointments now, but JJ didn't know what they were anymore. Her blue eyes, previously wide and innocent, were hiding something much darker than anything he had ever seen in Meg's eyes before. Sadness dropped behind her eyes; every smile she offered was tinged with some great disenchantment that no one really saw or understood. JJ noticed it, though, even if no one else did. The despair she tried to conceal seemed to be coming off of her in waves, but perhaps JJ saw it because that same feeling was drowning him, for different reasons, of course.
JJ knew why he was depressed and withdrawn. He didn't know why Meg was and he had no idea how to fix it. He was her big brother and he didn't know how to make her smile with true happiness again. He didn't even know how to ask her what was wrong. They were worlds apart now, separated by a war that no one could control. He would never be able to recapture his close relationship with Meg, no matter how hard he tried to catch it. Honestly, he didn't know where to begin to find that closeness they had shared months ago, when in reality it seemed like years. He knew Meg was glad to have him back, but they weren't close. She was different now. He was different.
He mourned their loss of innocence, a purity that had been ripped away by violence and disillusionment. Everything went back to the war that he wondered if he should have even fought in the first place. Maybe if he had stayed home, Meg would still be the bouncy girl he remembered, dreaming of dancing on Bandstand. Maybe he would have been at college, learning to be something other than a trained killer. Maybe he and Meg would still get along famously, as far as siblings go, and they would be able to live happily ever after. Maybe he could just pretend to be okay. Was it possible to? If he pretended to be happy and normal, would it affect Meg so much that she would be happy again? Innocent and perfect? Or would she remain secretly sullen, alone in her unknown pain, while the rest of the world passed her by? JJ would never be able to know, because he could never pretend with Meg. He'd never been able to. They had always been united in the house, against siblings and parents. Meg would know he was pretending. And she would cry for the trust they had seemed to have lost in each other, only adding to her sadness. JJ knew there was no way to turn back now. There was only moving forward, as unhappy as they were. JJ was resigned to remembering the days before he'd left, days when he and Meg were close and could whisper about their dreams and nightmares. He was left behind in a world that was chaotic and full of insanity as it pushed through the years and all he could do was lament for what was lost.