Well that's a good a start as any. Now what? There's so much I want to tell him, so much I want to ask him. I glare in frustration at all I have written...
Dear Kai,
Is everything all right? I'm worried
Not much, but I was never much for writing anything. My mind is teaming with thoughts that I'm incapable of putting into words and writing down. I pick up my pen and decide just to write; write what I'm thinking that is. That way I figure at least I would get something of emotional value down even if it didn't make sense I could re-write that later.
Well that was pointless. I glare at the pad of paper. I've decided how to go about writing this letter yet I still don't know where to start, I pause for a moment and think, the main thing I want to know is why have you come back so cold towards me? Is it something I did? Or does the time we spent together hold no importance to you any more?
I miss him, I miss seeing him, miss hearing his voice and just being with him, however this isn't the same feeling I had when he went to Japan. No. It's one thing to miss someone when they're in another part of the world missing you nearly as much, its another thing, a more painful thing, to miss someone when they're just a few streets down from you, though want nothing to do with you.
I feel my eyes begin to water... I thought we had been getting closer... I thought we could have had meant something more to each other. I pause with a sigh remembering one time we were at our favourite spot in the park located between our apartments. The sky was surprisingly clear and the sun shone warmly on my back as I lay, head resting on folded arms on your chest. They were the best times, just lying there with you in the bliss of knowing that I was the only one who you would allow to get away with touching you, and I was honoured.
Do you remember that day in the park... I had sat, straddling your waist, as you lay there, arms folded behind your head as you looked at me with questioning eyes, slightly annoyed that I was blocking your sun... I was going to ask you something that day, but I didn't even though you told me I could tell you anything... that you wouldn't think any less of me?... what I was going to say was that I loved you... that's right, I love you Kai. Yes, your cold hearted, cyborg friend can feel love and I believe you can to...but I don't understand why you're doing this to me, did I mean so little to you?'
I stop and put my pen down allowing my eyes to glance out the window, the night sky's still clear as I try and calm my emotions, we were never really emotional, only showing our contentment with each others company. I pick up the pen again and begin to write once more. I hope you don't resent me now, for showing emotions, for show weakness, as nothing has changed. I 'm still the same, I've only let you in on something I've been able to keep to myself for so long... I'm still your best friend from the Abbey...and still the only one you'll willingly admit to being a worthy opponent in anything.
I look at the clock, it's beginning to get late but I want to get this finished before dawn, I'm afraid that if I leave it to long I'll lose you forever to something I cant even to begin to understand... I'm thinking again, of all those times we spent together and even though your face never showed anything but our trademark, expressionless façade, your eyes shone with pride and something that suggested that just maybe, maybe you could have felt something for me, something more than friendship...or has it just been brotherly love all this time...
I sigh, I think this is all I can write at the moment, I look to the clock once more, it's 10:15 pm, not to late...
Kai your absence is killing me... please read this and consider that maybe there could be hope for a chance between us...I still love you...I just cant understand, why? Why are you so cold towards me?... please write or phone, my number should be on your answering machine at least twenty times, either one I don't care any response is better than what I have now.
With Love,
Tala