Roberts' Front Yard
0601 hours
12/29/2003
It's still dark out as I do my warm up stretching in preparation of my morning run. I don't usually run on Monday mornings but I find I need to burn off some energy and do some thinking so, after leaving Harm and note here I am.
I start off down the sidewalk at a gentle pace. I really want to go all out but I know better, that would be a good way to get injured.
Can Harm and I do this? Can we live together and make a family for ourselves and 3 kids who have nobody? Yes, AJ and Jimmy have their grandparents but there are reasons why Bud and Harriet didn't name any of them guardian. I really don't want to think about what the boys would grow up like if they had to go live with the Sims. I think Mikey would do okay with the boys but he'd have to give up the academy to do it and I don't want that to happen.
I think Harm can raise the kids. He's changed so much this year, I've just really began to notice it but he has changed a lot. He didn't argue with the admiral when the admiral said all those things in June. He just left. He didn't expect things to be the same when he came back. Yeah, he's made some really nasty comments to me but in reality, I probably had them coming.
I couldn't tell him I was happy he was back. I've thrown Clay in his face every chance I've had. When we were working together on investigations I made unilateral decisions regarding disposition of charges. I've been mad at Harm for not fighting for me but hell, I am the one who said never. If a male officer had continued pursuit of a female after being told no in the way I told Harm no, I'd have them up on charges. Yet I'm mad at Harm for backing off. What the hell is wrong with me?
Why are words so important to me? I know Harm loves me, he's shown it in millions of ways. Am I with Harm? No, I'm with Clay. Clay who has all of the warmth of a seasick crocodile but can say all the right things at the right time. It's easier to be with someone who says he love me but doesn't show it. Harm shows it and it scares the hell out of me. When I was a kid the actions in my house were violent. Joe would come home drunk, beat my mother and I and then when he was sober he'd cry and apologize and promise never to do it again. My mother always believed him. She always told me if I was a better daughter and she a better wife he wouldn't hit us. Right, if Joe were a better man he wouldn't have hit us.
Growing up like that you'd think I'd trust actions over words, but I don't. Maybe it's because I keep expecting Harm to say something to try and negate his actions but he never does, never has. He doesn't say anything. Which maybe as bad as doing what Joe did, because what my mind can conjure up is always worse than reality.
I want to make this family work. I need to tell Harm that I agree we should move in together and then I need to apologize for the way I've treated him. I know he cares for me. I know he loved me at one time. I know I love him. We'll just have to see if we can get past our problems and make this family work. I hope so.
With a new resolve I turn back towards the house. I need to talk to Harm. I also need to make a date with Clay. I need to end things. Clay and I would never work. I'm only with him to avoid being alone and because it's easier then working on fixing things with Harm. Well if Harm and I are going to be living together I need to work on fixing things with him. I'm not sure we'll ever be lovers but I'm going to do my best to make sure we're best friends again. I can't do that if I'm still seeing Clay, it's like rubbing salt in Harm's wounds from Paraguay. He gave up everything for me and I said thank you by dating Clay.
As I check my internal clock I realize it should be about time for the boys to be getting up. I need to get back so that I can help get them fed and ready for today. I also need to talk to Harm as soon as I can.
It's still dark out as I do my warm up stretching in preparation of my morning run. I don't usually run on Monday mornings but I find I need to burn off some energy and do some thinking so, after leaving Harm and note here I am.
I start off down the sidewalk at a gentle pace. I really want to go all out but I know better, that would be a good way to get injured.
Can Harm and I do this? Can we live together and make a family for ourselves and 3 kids who have nobody? Yes, AJ and Jimmy have their grandparents but there are reasons why Bud and Harriet didn't name any of them guardian. I really don't want to think about what the boys would grow up like if they had to go live with the Sims. I think Mikey would do okay with the boys but he'd have to give up the academy to do it and I don't want that to happen.
I think Harm can raise the kids. He's changed so much this year, I've just really began to notice it but he has changed a lot. He didn't argue with the admiral when the admiral said all those things in June. He just left. He didn't expect things to be the same when he came back. Yeah, he's made some really nasty comments to me but in reality, I probably had them coming.
I couldn't tell him I was happy he was back. I've thrown Clay in his face every chance I've had. When we were working together on investigations I made unilateral decisions regarding disposition of charges. I've been mad at Harm for not fighting for me but hell, I am the one who said never. If a male officer had continued pursuit of a female after being told no in the way I told Harm no, I'd have them up on charges. Yet I'm mad at Harm for backing off. What the hell is wrong with me?
Why are words so important to me? I know Harm loves me, he's shown it in millions of ways. Am I with Harm? No, I'm with Clay. Clay who has all of the warmth of a seasick crocodile but can say all the right things at the right time. It's easier to be with someone who says he love me but doesn't show it. Harm shows it and it scares the hell out of me. When I was a kid the actions in my house were violent. Joe would come home drunk, beat my mother and I and then when he was sober he'd cry and apologize and promise never to do it again. My mother always believed him. She always told me if I was a better daughter and she a better wife he wouldn't hit us. Right, if Joe were a better man he wouldn't have hit us.
Growing up like that you'd think I'd trust actions over words, but I don't. Maybe it's because I keep expecting Harm to say something to try and negate his actions but he never does, never has. He doesn't say anything. Which maybe as bad as doing what Joe did, because what my mind can conjure up is always worse than reality.
I want to make this family work. I need to tell Harm that I agree we should move in together and then I need to apologize for the way I've treated him. I know he cares for me. I know he loved me at one time. I know I love him. We'll just have to see if we can get past our problems and make this family work. I hope so.
With a new resolve I turn back towards the house. I need to talk to Harm. I also need to make a date with Clay. I need to end things. Clay and I would never work. I'm only with him to avoid being alone and because it's easier then working on fixing things with Harm. Well if Harm and I are going to be living together I need to work on fixing things with him. I'm not sure we'll ever be lovers but I'm going to do my best to make sure we're best friends again. I can't do that if I'm still seeing Clay, it's like rubbing salt in Harm's wounds from Paraguay. He gave up everything for me and I said thank you by dating Clay.
As I check my internal clock I realize it should be about time for the boys to be getting up. I need to get back so that I can help get them fed and ready for today. I also need to talk to Harm as soon as I can.