Chapter 9: Lost and Found
James had hurled an Implosion spell at the shelves behind him in anger. The noise made half the library jump and most of the rest run for cover as books flew in all directions. One landed face down near Madam Pince's feet. She sent them zooming back with a flick of her wand.
"Out!Out!" yelled the irate librarian amidst the hailstorm of books. The chairs Lily and her friends were sitting on upended and sent them sprawling to the ground. Madam Pince completed the rout by chasing the five of them out.
"Well," Alice said as they ran to the relative quiet of the corridor. "You got us all chucked out. Nice." The others glared at James who did not look the least bit contrite.
"I want to talk to Lily alone," he snapped instead.
"And you couldn't simply ask like normal people instead of hexing half..." Morgan began.
"Please," Lily said quietly. Her three good friends exchanged glances but respected the implicit request and left, Morgan grumbling in an undertone about the iniquities of popular boys.
Left alone with James, Lily wasn't quite sure how to start. "I never meant to ..."
"Call me a dark wizard and a killer?" James interjected sarcastically. "How could you ---what kind of person d'you think I am?"
"You did blow away half a shelf," Lily was goaded into replying.
'That's a right stupid thing to say! How can you compare ..."
"Don't call me stupid, you ..."
"Listen,.."
"I am listening. You are the one who..."
A rueful laugh from James surprised them both. "Feels like we are back in 5th year, doesn't it, Evans?"
Lily felt a lump forming in a throat. James had never called her Evans since their first date. Relegated.
"Why can't you just trust me?" he asked, the anger gone out of his voice. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily could see Sirius, Remus and Peter exit the library pretending to casually give them a wide berth. The friends he trusted. Whom he would turn to. Attraction would never be enough for entry into the charmed circle.
"I could ask you the same question," Lily replied sadly. "Where do you go, Potter?"
James cast an uncomfortable glance at Remus. "I can't tell you that."
Lily followed his gaze. "I guess that's that then."
"Not the salt, again, mate," Sirius said, steering James' hand away from his coffee, a week later. James just stared blankly at him.
"What? Oh, right...Thanks, Padfoot." he stirred his coffee absently.
"Prongs, old friend, this is getting ridiculous."
"What?"
Sirius groaned. "You only went out with her for six months anyway."
"There are some ties time and space doesn't break. I know this is one of them. But how can I be with someone who thinks .."
"Forget it. You are hopeless. Remus is waiting for us at Herbology."
James' despondent mood did not dissipate over the walk to the greenhouses. It seemed to Remus that James and Lily spent most of the classes they had together studiously avoiding each other while simultaneously sneaking glances when the other is not looking.
'My fault,' he thought wretchedly. 'If I am not what I am...'
There were times in the past week, when he looked for Lily to tell her the truth. Each time, the words stuck in his throat when she greeted him, green eyes brimming with true warmth. He was still thinking of another way to heal the breach when Alice Cooper bounded up to them during Herbology.
"Lily's upset," she informed James.
James merely grunted and continued tending to his Gillyweed cutting.
"Don't sulk, James, it's most unattractive," she chided. James' head shot up at the insult.
"And I'm supposed to smile when she says I am the next thing to a mass murderer?" he snarled. Alice sighed.
"You know she never thought so. That was just Rosie Wilkes speculating about possible Death Eaters. So, she didn't protest too much when your name came up? She would have but she knows you are hiding something."
"If someone you love doesn't trust you, sooner or later, you won't trust them either," she continued.
"She doesn't love me," he snapped.
"Don't be thick," she replied crossly. "Only someone hit by too many Bludgers would think that. Love without trust dies, James. It has nothing to grow on."
Remus could see James make an effort to consider that point of view.
"The rift in the lute that will by and by make the music mute," Remus said helpfully remembering a line James had once quoted at him.
"Trust me all in all or trust me not at all," finished James, comprehension dawning.
"Did you just say something about a mute lute?" Alice asked Remus, puzzled. He didn't answer. "You are both a bit weird, do you know that? Anyway, think about what I've said. And pass those shears. Madam Sprout is looking this way."
James grinned at her as he gave her the tool and contemplated how to best approach Lily. "Frank Longbottom is lucky to have someone as sensible as you."
Alice looked surprised. "How did you – .." she began. " It was supposed to be a great secret but of course, that means everyone knows." She smiled.
'Go make things up with her, James. Before exams tomorrow."
James glanced at his watch. The lesson now seemed unbearably long. There was still one more issue to be decided -..
"Prongs," Remus answered his unspoken question. "You can tell her about me. I should have told you that long ago."
James looked relieved. "She would never treat you differently. She's just not like that."
"Yeah, she's alright," Remus answered, only half-believing his own words. There had simply been too many people who had turned away from him when they found out. Not all at once but slowly. 'Even my father..'
The bell rang. James was out of the door before the rest of the class finished packing their bags. "See you later, Moony," he called over his shoulder.
Half-ashamed that he could not save his friend the trouble, Remus watched him go.
I am not brave enough to be in Gryffindor. Not when push comes to shove.
Crescent moon in the sky. Remus was glad. NEWTs would begin tomorrow and would be over before the moon waxed full. At the Quidditch pitch, the stands were empty. He lay on one bleacher, looking up at the stars and the sliver of moon. Mocking him.
A faint pop broke the peace.
"James said I might find you here," Lily sat down beside him.
"Hello, Lily," he said tiredly, not turning around. "Thought you would be making up for lost time."
Moonlight hid the pretty flush. "I wanted to talk to you." She, too, stared up at the moon. "Lycanthrophy is not easy to live with." She paused. "I am talking like I know something about it. I have no idea."
"I hope you never do."
There were tears in her eyes. "If it were anyone else but you. You are one of the best people I know....I am so sorry."
"I am too. For all the trouble it caused for you and Prongs."
"James and I made our own trouble. Don't worry about it," she said.
It was comforting, her presence. That was one of Lily's gifts, he thought, making people with her feel comfortable. Along with loyalty. His initial prediction about her reaction seemed pessimistic and paranoid.
"Sirius said they would be raiding the kitchen. He told, no, commanded me to drag you there," she said.
"Head Girl in the kitchens after hours? James is bad for you."
She linked her arm through his.
"Watch out, Prongs, she's moony-eyed," Sirius' voice broke in as the other Marauders finally laughed at his pun. Lily immediately released Remus.
"Did anyone ever tell you, Sirius, that you have the sensitivity of a manticore?" she said mock-severely.
"That's quite a step up," Sirius quipped. "This time last week, I was a Blast-Ended Skrewt." He lifted the glass brought by bustling and beaming house-elves in a mock-toast. " May you never put Prongs through so much torture again." Lily rolled her eyes.
Half-drunk on Butterbeer, two hours later, Remus fell asleep with his robes on, the Marauders' Map in his pocket.