A/N: I'm making myself get this part out before I give into my urge to torture Clay some more.


Harm and Mac's House
2330 Hours
3/18/2004

My tea is getting cold, but I'm not sure I care. It took me 37 minutes to get Mattie and AJ to bed after Harm stormed out of the house. Since then I've just been sitting up thinking. I was hoping Harm would come home and we could talk but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. He's probably sitting in a bar somewhere.

He's right you know. I do seem to put more value on words than actions. I really don't know why I do that, but I do. You'd think having the childhood I did, actions would seem more important. My dad was always apologizing for hitting my mom and swearing he'd never do it again. The only time that was the truth was right before my 15th birthday, of course that's because my mom wasn't around for him to hit.

Maybe the reason I need to hear the words so badly is because Harm's the only person I've ever known that keeps his promises. None of the other men in my life could ever keep a promise. Hell, Clay can barely keep a dinner date.

Harm and Mac's house
0045 Hours
3/19/2004

I turn the SUV off and take a moment to gather my thoughts before heading into the house. I kind of hope Mac's not up because if she is, she'll want to talk and I really think I need some sleep first. We have the day off tomorrow, we can talk after we take the boys to the sitter.

The lights are still on in the living room so I head that way. I start to say Mac's name when I notice her laying on the couch sound asleep. It takes me a moment to reach a decision. I hope she doesn't pound me for this.

I almost pull it off. I have Mac in my arms and am to the stairs when she wakes up.

"Harm?"

"Yeah, it's me, Mac. Go back to sleep."

"Where'd you go?"

"Believe it or not, I went to work."

She opens an eye and I can tell she doesn't believe me. I can't help the small chuckle that escapes.

"Okay, we need to talk, Harm."

''I know but I think we both need to be awake first. Can we talk in the morning?"

"We have to work."

"No, we don't. The admiral ordered us to take the day."

"You called him?"

How stupid does she think I am? "No, he was in the office and we had a drink. He wanted to know what had me at the office so late."

"Oh."

"We'll talk in the morning, Mac." I tell her as I place her on her bed. She gives a slight grunt that I assume means okay.

"Harm!" I spin back toward Mac and notice she's sitting up and looking around for me.

"What's wrong, Mac?"

"Nothing. I just needed to tell you the kids heard us fighting and were really upset."

"How upset?"

"It took me almost an hour to get them both calm. Mattie was afraid you'd come back drunk."

"I wouldn't do that to either of you."

"That's what I told her. I think AJ was worried that you wouldn't come back at all."

"Okay. I'll talk to them tomorrow at breakfast."

"Sounds good. Good night Harm."

"Good night, Mac."


Harm and Mac's house
0800 Hours
3/19/2004

It feels strange not having to go to work on a Friday. I'm loading the dishwasher and cleaning up the kitchen while Harm runs the boys to the sitter. Mattie woke us up at 6:30 in an absolute panic that we'd be late and get in trouble with the admiral.

Harm and Mattie fixed breakfast while I got the boys ready for the day. Harm then volunteered to take the boys to the sitter so that he could spend some time with AJ. Mattie and I talked before her bus arrived. She summarized what she and Harm had talked about. Harm told her his reason for leaving had very little to do with him being angry. Harm explained he had walked away to keep things from getting any uglier between us.

I'm now waiting for Harm to come back and we're going to go somewhere and talk. Harm actually suggested that we might accomplish more if we tried talking on neutral territory. I'm not sure I buy it, but if it makes him feel better than I'll try it.

The garage door's opening, guess Harm's back. I wonder where we're going.

Rock Creek Park
1002 Hours
3/19/2004

We stopped by Panera for bagels and coffee before heading to one of the picnic areas at Rock Creek Park.

Neither of us says a word during the drive or the walk to the picnic table. I'm beginning to think Harm's going to make me start this conversation when it happens.

"Mac?"

"Yeah, Harm."

"I want to apologize for last night. I wasn't really that mad at you."

"I need to apologize too, Harm. I should have been home to help you with the kids."

"Why weren't you?"

Oh, boy. I'm not sure I really want to answer that question. I supposed I'd better but I can't get too specific.

"I was talking to the pilot's widow and the conversation took longer than I expected. Let's just say what I thought would be a slam dunk isn't shaping up that way."

"That's too bad."

I can't believe he said that. Like my case not being a slam dunk doesn't help his client.

"Seriously Mac, I know what it's like to have the bottom fall out of a case. I also understand what that means for your work hours."

Okay, that's not so bad.

"Thanks for understanding, Harm."

"You're welcome."

"So do you want to tell me what was bothering you last night?"

"Lots of things. I was upset that you weren't there when you said you'd be."

"And that I recommended prosecution for the CAG."

"Not really."

I know my mouth is hanging open but I can't seem to help it. I am completely and totally shocked by that comment.

"I'm not sure I believe that Harm."

"Mac, I do understand your point of view that's not what had me upset."

"Then what?"

"It was a ramp strike."

"I don't understand."

"I don't like investigating ramp strikes. They bring up bad memories. The fact everyone thinks this guy killed himself made it even worse this time. Trust me if you're planning on killing yourself there are better ways than a ramp strike."

I never thought about things like that. I never even considered the possibility investigating a ramp strike might be hard for Harm.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"Why, so I could have my feelings ignored and trivialized?"

"We wouldn't do that."

"Yeah, right." Harm snorts.

"We wouldn't."

"Right. That's why the admiral ordered me to take a case I told him I didn't think I could be objective about. That's why you didn't come visit me in the brig. That's why you didn't let me answer the question about being okay before you left with Webb. That's why you didn't realize I had a concussion in Paraguay. That's why you told me the only thing I had in my life was the Navy. That's why the admiral told me I'm not a team player and should go wrestle alligators for a living. You're all so concerned about my feelings."

I should say something. I really should say something but I'm in shock. I never realized Harm felt that way. Of course I never really thought about it either.

"I'm sorry, Harm."

"You're sorry for what?"

"For not being a very good friend. I promise I'll try harder."

Harm doesn't say anything. Usually this would make me angry but if I look carefully, I can almost see the wheels turning in his brain.

"I think that's something we both need to work on, Mac."

"Why do you say that?"

"I've said some really nasty things to you over the past couple of years. That's not being a very good friend either."

"So it's something we both need to work on."

Silence. I'm trying really hard to not be bothered by the silence. It looks like Harm's just staring off into space, but I think he's thinking.

"Harm?"

"Yeah."

"Did you mean what you said last night?"

"Depends on what part of what I said you're talking about."

He's going to make me ask. He knows what I'm talking about but he's not going to admit it.

"About coming to Paraguay to be with the woman you loved."

"Yeah, I meant it. I came after you because I loved you."

"Loved? Past tense? Do you still love me?"

"I don't know, Mac."

"How can you not know if you love someone, Harm?"

"It's really not that hard, believe it or not. You said never. I took you at your word. The way you take me at mine, or try to anyway. I spent a lot of the next few months trying to get over you and over JAG. I'm not sure I'm over you but I'm not sure I'm still in love with you either."

"I guess I can understand that."

We're back to staring off into the distance.

"Mac?"

"Yeah."

"Why'd you say never?"

"Because I realized you were never going to say the words and I couldn't accept that fact that you could love me and not say the words. I was trying to move on."

"And did you?"

"If I had, I'd be engaged to Webb by now."

"God forbid!"

"He's not that bad, Harm. I'm not with him because I finally realized that if somebody loves me they'll take me as is. Clay wanted to change me. Hell, all the men in my life have wanted to change me. Mic, Dalton, John, and Chris all wanted to change me. Even my father wanted to change me. He wanted a son. You're the only one who hasn't tried to change me."

"So where do we go from here, Mac?"

"I don't know. Where do you want to go?"

"I'm not sure."

"Well, I guess that's something we need to figure out."

"And we will. I promise we will."

Right now, that's good enough for me. I know how Harm is about his promises.

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