iA/N: Thanks to everyone that's hung in this long. This is the longest story I've ever written and longer than I thought it would be when I started this. I'm thinking 3 more chapters to wrap this up. I was hoping to do it in two, but I've decided to add a chapter to indulge in a little fantasy of mine. (Strangely enough there's no smut involved in this fantasy.)/I

bHarm and Mac's house

5/5/04

2200 Hours/b

Okay, suck it up Mackenzie. You're a marine you can complete a simple little homework assignment from your therapist. I take a deep breath and head out in search of Harm before I lose my nerve. I find Harm at the kitchen table working on his laptop.

"Hey, Harm."

"Hey, Mac. I didn't realize you were still up." He smiles at me as he moves away from the computer.

"I don't want to interrupt."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I need a break. You want some tea?"

"Sure that would be great."

Harm starts fixing the tea. I don't say anything while he's working. I'm content to just watch him and think about what I'm going to say.

"Harm, would you want to go to dinner with me Friday?" I blurt out in a rush once we're sitting down with our tea.

For thirty three seconds all Harm does is look at me. "You mean like a date?" He finally says.

"Actually, yes I do. I'll understand if you say no. I understand that I may have missed my chance," I'm rambling but I can't seem to stop myself, "I mean I did say never and, I was pretty nasty to you in Paraguay, and when you first came back to JAG. So, it's okay if you don't feel that way about me and…"

"Mac?" Harm interrupts.

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget to breathe."

"Thanks for the reminder." I chuckle.

"You're welcome, and I would love to go out with you Friday. What are we going to do with the kids?"

"Mattie agreed to baby-sit. She wants to earn some extra money for the choir class trip to Busch Gardens next month."

"Sounds good."

We sit silently sipping our tea for the next two minutes and ten seconds. I'm almost afraid to say anything. It feels like a spell has been cast over the room and I'm scared to break it.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I suppose."

"Why'd you say never?"

I look at Harm and sigh. I guess the spell has been broken. "I'll try to explain it to you but you have to realize that this is looking back on things after a month of seeing a therapist. Not to mention being a year older and wiser."

"I'm listening." Harm tells me. I can tell he's really listening. His body language is the same as when we're listening to a witness during an investigation or when he's listening to someone's testimony in court. I know I have one hundred percent of his attention.

"When my dad would sober up after beating mom, he'd always tell her how sorry he was and how much he loved her. She always forgave him and told me he didn't mean to hurt her. The result was that I learned words are more important than actions, and picked men accordingly."

"Uh, Mac?"

"Harm, trust me this will all make sense in a little bit. I need to say this."

"Okay, I'll be quiet."

"Mic would always say he loved me. That's why I stayed with him even though he tried to make all my decisions for me. He didn't love me though. He loved an image, but he never got to know me well enough to love me. What I've recently realized, is I've been using all my energy trying to get you to say you love me. I thought my actions made how I felt for you clear. Instead, if I'm right, all I did was send you mixed signals."

I stop, waiting for Harm to confirm what I've just said. One of the things the doctor told me was to give Harm more time to process and arrange his thoughts during these conversations. I start counting to myself in Russian. I'm up to forty five and beginning to think Harm's never going to say anything when he calls my name.

"Mac, can you explain what you mean by that?" He looks like he's trying to process some piece of information that he'd never even considered before. "Sure but first I need to ask you a question. On the ferry, what did you think I wanted? Please be completely honest with me."

"Truthfully I wasn't sure. I thought you just wanted sex and then later I thought you might have wanted a relationship but when. . ." Harm trails off.

"I showed up wearing Mic's ring you decided you'd been right the first time?" I supply.

"Yeah." Harm confirms.

"Well I can understand that. I did want a relationship. Looking back on that time I can understand why you thought I just wanted sex. I was rotten to you before that trip. I took the ring because I was tired of being alone. I also kept hoping that you'd give me some reason to tell Mic no. Deep down I knew all along that I didn't love Mic."

"Then why did you come so close to marrying him?"

"Because I thought you didn't want me. Mic said he loved me, and I didn't want to be alone. I honestly thought I could learn to love Mic. On some level I wanted you to just ask me not to marry him. The thing is Harm, I thought I was making my feelings perfectly clear to you on the ferry and on the admiral's porch. When you didn't respond the way I expected, I took it as a sign you didn't care for me that way."

"That's not true Mac."

"Oh, I know that now. I didn't then. By the time we got to Paraguay I'd come to the conclusion that you'd never be able to provide me with what I needed. I took our fighting as a sign I was right and that's why I said never."

Harm nods his head thoughtfully, "And now?"

"I'm starting to learn what I thought I needed from a relationship, and what I really need, aren't necessarily the same thing."

"Makes sense."

"So Harm, do you still want to go out with me Friday?"

"I would love to Marine. Do you want to make the plans or should I?"

I don't believe it! He's not changing his mind. "I did the asking so I think it's only fair that I do the planning."

"Works for me. Let me know what time and how to dress. See you in the morning."

"See you in the morning Harm." For the next ten minutes I just sit at the table finishing my tea. That went much better than I thought it would. Maybe it's because I followed the doctor's advice and didn't have any expectations.

I guess I'd better get busy, I have a date to plan!

bMac's bedroom

05/08/2004

0110 Hours/b

I'm laying here in bed trying to relax enough to go to sleep. I've been trying for the past thirty minutes, but so far, no luck. Any other time, I'd just give up and go downstairs for some tea and tv, but I don't want to run into Harm.

I'm not saying our date didn't go well, because it did. Actually, it was wonderful. We left the house around 1800 hours. We had dinner at Raaga, an Indian restaurant near headquarters. I know Harm loves Indian food but doesn't get it much anymore with the kids around. After dinner, we went for a walk in the park before going to a late movie.

The movie was Twentynine Palms. A french thriller that takes place in California. The scenery was great. The storyline was just scary enough to keep me jumping and sitting kind of close to Harm.

After the movie, we stopped by Starbucks for coffee and talked. We got home at 0021 hours. We checked on the kids, then Harm kissed me good night after telling me we needed to do this again sometime soon.

That's why I'm too wound up to sleep. Harm actually enjoyed going out on a date with me! I don't want to run into him right now. We finally seem to be on the same page and I'm afraid if I'm near Harm we'll do something to screw things up, like sleep together. While I don't know what Harm thinks, I do know I'm not ready to handle the next level.

I roll over and try again to focus on going to sleep.

bHarm's bedroom

05/08/2004

0125 Hours/b

I'm laying here in bed trying to relax enough to go to sleep. I thought about giving up and going downstairs, but I'm afraid I'll run into Mac. The date went wonderfully and I think we're finally starting to find our way. The problem is, neither one of us is ready for a more intimate relationship, and I'm not sure I could stop myself if I saw Mac in a nightgown right now.

Planning my next date with Mac, I drift off to sleep.